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Verse 1:
I'm tak i i ing
Long walks to clear
My he ea ea ead

I can't get
Enough of that
Re e e ed

I crumble
I fall with
With the leaves
Right next to me

I'm pray i i ing
For love from a cousin
Whose de ea ea ed

He hung up
But he's still in
My he e ea ea ed

I can't help
But hear him
As the leaves fall
Right next to me

Chorus:
I know it might sound scary
But the fear don't make it go away
I can't pretend I don't
Hear him in my brain

Chorus:
I've been dreaming of ghosts
My darling
(Boo-Who)
I might be haunted the most
I'm falling
(ooh-ooh)

But can't you feel
There's something
In this Autumn Air?

Ghosts,
I've been dreaming of
Ghosts...

Verse 2:
I've got the
Radio on to drown out
The noise

In my head
I get lost in
The void

You can
Call me crazy
Call me abuffoon

But I keep
Hearing my name
Called out from the moon

Chorus:
I know it might sound scary
But the fear don't make it go away
I can't pretend I don't
Hear him in my brain

I've been dreaming of ghosts
My darling
Boo-Who
I might be haunted the most
I'm falling

But can't you feel
There's something
In this Autumn Air?

Ghosts,
I've been dreaming of
Ghosts...
I don't know
What's in the box
Beneath your bed

I just know
That when we talked
Your face turned red

And I know your scared
That I know it's there

And that I'll talk
About it
But let's not talk
Around this

Chorus

Whatever you do
To get you through
The pain that you
Are living in

If it gets you by
If it keeps you high
As long as it stops you
From giving in

You may feel
Alone...

But Baby
Were the Same

It's just that
Our drugs go by

Slightly
Different Names

You don't have
To feel Ashamed
Anymore

So leave it at the do oo or

Leave it a do oo oo or
Leave it at the door

Verse 2

I don't know
What's in the box
Beneath your bed

All I know
Is it couldn't change
What's in my head

Cause I know you're good
And nothing in their could
Change the way I feel

My love
For you
Is real

Chorus
Final
Bridge
Chorus
What I wish I heard from my parents
About my box
Instead
Of
...
Shame Monster
I hide behind
A fluffy pup
Pacifier
Two white earbuds
A nervous smile

I let the fear
Of imagined laughs
Haunt my nightmares
For too long to
Not strike back now

Am I too much?
That's up to you
It's out of the
Cage now and I
Feel free and scared
Happy
PRIDE
------
He died and I changed
Never the same again
My life course
Altered
Forever
By a suicide
I always thought
Would be mine why
Why was it Ben?


The word "suicide" leaves a bad
Taste in the mouth for
A boy who came
Out to his
Mormon
Family at 16
Only to be ridiculed
Abandoned emotionally if
Not totally physically

All of this happened
Long before I had the
Words "I am queer"
Or "I am trans"
Or "Ace"

He was queering up the family
Tree breaking branches all
Over the place
His instagram was public
Fearless showing so much leg

He went up and and down like
A rollercoaster, building friendships
And empires
Raising thousands upon thousands
For *** prevention and treatment

Both in life and in death

He lived a life so fearless
It made me want to shine too
It sped up my process
Seeing his shooting star

And even when he rehabbed his light
Was always brighter than any
Of his siblings or his
Parents

Maybe that's part of why they
Couldn't accept him

His very eyes
Threatened the beliefs they chose to
Build their lives upon

I felt his death the day before

Except I thought it was a
Different Ben that was going to take
His life so I put my efforts and mind
In the wrong space

Leaving Ben my cousin
Hanging
Literally
Hanging

Hanging from a rope

Leaving me alone
As the only other openly
Queer cousin

The funeral held in a Mormon church
In Logan Utah

I had sworn to never go back inside
But Ben changed things
So many things!

I saw him for the last time
In a casket in a Mormon church
It was like a horror movie

Him there stone
Cold lifeless

The eyes that shined brighter than
Maybe any eyes I'd ever seen before
So dead and dark

Somehow it was my first funeral
My grandparents all died while I
Was serving my Mormon mission
In Costa Rica

I wept the whole time
Sometimes loudly
I lost it

And my extended family
Thinking poor Ben
If only he chose
Not be ***
I'm
Still Dying
Today
---
How do I look at them in the eyes anymore?
---
https://www.allenmortuaries.net/obituaries/Benjamin-Holdaway/

— The End —