Sometimes I wonder
Is this even real?
what if it's a dream,
a coma,
what if we're already dead?

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
*******.

Please wake up and smile at me
Like  you used to be all spunky
Full of fire, ready to call a liar a liar
And a crook a crook, throw the book
At fakes and phonies, only to glad
To whisk the mad out of office
And write an essay to protect us.

Please wake up and laugh aloud
At the proud and haughty, Lordy
Could you ever laugh at bigots
And idiots and creeps in the world.
Protect boys and girls everywhere
And do your best to scare away
The bearboos under their beds.
Now you sleep instead and it hurts.

It hurts not to hear you rant and rail
At those who fail to serve and protect,
Reject their apostasy and hypocrisy
While they endlessly spread their enmity
Treating good people like the enemies
And send money to those who do attack,
Resources we can never get back
All because it makes them money.
You never found that funny, did you?

So, I beg you. Please wake up and stay
Stay with us who need you, all of us;
All of us who care and love when you share.
So let me remind you, fate has consigned you
To lie there and rest your head too long
But that bed would be better less time.
To lose you would be a crime we can’t bear.
We need you here, as before. We implore
All the good luck and prayers go your way
And you rise up and walk again today.

I've always said that I wouldn't mind being in a coma.
Because the world wouldn't have to worry about me so much.

Now truthfully, most of the world has no idea who I am, so the world doesn't have much of a reason to worry, but still...

The small percentage of people who do know me, would be so worried all the time.

I would always be in one place.
The hospital.

I would always stay in the same position, and have the same reaction to everything.

Good news, bad news, no news at all.

And yet...

A coma for me is just a cover up.

I wouldn't want this to serve as an excuse for someone to visit me out of guilt.
And I would be able to respond if they told me they were sorry.

It kills me to know, that beyond being a limp body, I'm also a lost soul.

But even as I am here now, awake.

I feel closer to dead than anyone can ever know.

Only because I finally lost it.
And by "it" I only mean... me?

Like I was put on this planet just to hurt people, and I sure did...

I sure... did.

This feeling..

Of having people around, but still feeling like the most truthful thing to say is "I have no one left".

I can say it, and it still feels true.

I never wanted to hurt anyone.

So maybe people would finally feel guilty for leaving me if they just saw me close to "drifting to sleep".

Breathing harder, and feeling my T-shirt suffocating me.
And then feeling the vice grip of my sins wrap around my neck.

And I can't take it any more.

Sins...

Sounds too biblical and cliché right?

I'm tired of fighting to live well.

I'm tired.

Let me sleep.

Or induce a coma.

And put this whole thing to rest.

My worst fear as a kid
Never was monsters under my bed
Because before I could even walk
I'd known monsters lived within us
Within me
...
It was waking up one day
And realizing the world
Had moved on without me,
Realizing the world
Had left me
As nothing more
Than a faceless void in the crowd
...
Now I'm stuck
Forever running
Trying to catch up with time
Alone
Lost
Scared out of my mind,
Wishing someone would
Just hold my hand
And tell me everything would be okay,
Except it won't..
It never will be
...
But you've cried your tears already
You've already mourned my loss
Because my guardian angel
Won't let me die
And now I'm back as a bigger burden
Than I could ever imagine..
A burden on you,
A burden on those closest to me
A burden on my parents
And my friends and family
Hell, I'm even a burden
On myself
...
How am I supposed to burden you
With truths I won't even admit to myself?
How am I supposed to tell you what's wrong
When nothing is right to begin with?
How am I supposed to fit so many unsaid words,
And so many unsaid feelings
Into a couple meaningless letters strung together?
How am I supposed to hold on to you
When we're living in different times?
Because everything and everyone around me
Is fast forwarding and moving in slow-motion
All at the same time.
Because I'm still suffering in the past
And you've moved on with the rest of the world.
Because everything has changed
And I'm nothing more than a heavy heart
And an empty soul...
Because I've turned into
My own worst fear
...
I'm trying to hold on to some hope
Not yet ready to disappear altogether
The hope I find in your smile
The hope I find in your laughter.
This hope I find because my most favorite thing
In the entire world besides music
Is making someone smile
And seeing you happy.
So maybe if I can do that
My meaningless rebirth
Would have been worthwhile
And yet
That's exactly why
I have to let you go
...
I'm nothing more than a freak
Who rose from the dead
Resurrecting more demons
That made home in my head
And you're someone
I'd give my whole life to..
My mistake wasn't loving you
It was not letting you go sooner
Because your only mistake was
Loving me more than I deserved.
...
      Because those risen from the dead
        Have no place with the living
         And they never will.

This is what it's like
To wake up from fake, long sleep.
Would not recommend.

Devils whisper in his ears,
Of death threats and hatred.
Now, there he laid,
With a slow beeping of his heart,
Unconcious,
With his soul gripping to live,
And his mind weakening.

《 e.i 》

I made a bed of wrong turns and bad choices
  & blankets of regrets and sorrows
I cry myself to sleep in this livid torment
  & dream whilst never awaking...