I found you in the cracks of winter between puffing breaths of cold air like a dragon, on that cold Wednesday afternoon. I swore your eyes were the ocean, and I could see all the way to Europe. You held your books like a shield guarding your chest and you introduced yourself like a king.

We talked of Bukowski and Frost in between sips of lukewarm water. I fell in love with every pause you took and every time you blinked my heart beat increased. I was surprised you couldn't feel it from across the table.

You showed me the scars on your legs and arms you've gotten over the years. One from jumping off a roof into a pool. One randomly showing up when you woke up that morning. And one from that time you had a tumor removed from your chest. You told me don't feel sorry for you and don't feed you sympathy because you have been full for years.

We spent the next couple of months telling secrets. You told me I was the first person you have ever felt comfortable with in a long time. You kissed me so silently and slowly it was like breathing underwater. Forgive me if I sound selfish but I could not stay under the water any longer and I couldn't hold my breath for another second. I gave all my wishes and stars to you that night. I wrote poetry on your skin that we created when our hands touched.

We explored the mountains and ate picnics every Saturday afternoon. We ran from the rain as we saw the clouds roll in, we sat in the car and played truth or dare for an hour straight. I promised you I will love you until we're old and I'll have to feed you with a spoon until this action isn't anymore romantic but necessary instead.

It was a Tuesday at 2:35 in the morning when you were experiencing pain. I drove you to the hospital.

Our love was like a mother teaching a daughter how to slow dance for the first time; clumsy.
You didn't know how to hold me properly anymore because you were to busy holding medical bills in your hands. When I see these papers my mind loses focus and all those words form one big blur, and they become wet with warm teardrops smudging the news across the white crinkled paper. I turned off the tv that night and we actually looked at each other staring like we were both blank canvases and had painters block for the first time ever. That night you packed a suitcase and went away in a taxi. The hospital wasn't too far away but I couldn't bare to see you walk into that place again.

It was cold and it was Sunday. The doctors tried everything they could but it was already too big and eating you away. Old friends were always bitter when they weren't welcomed back but stormed in like a hurricane destroying everything the future has to hold. Your eyes were colorless and your hands were too fragile to hold anything. My heart was beating out of my chest and my palms were shaking. It felt like I was holding an earthquake.

You were only 21.

You had a warm heart and a beautiful brain. You were drained like rain-soaked up from the earth. I wished I could have taken you places and brought you flowers. But it was always too cold to go somewhere and all the flowers have disappeared away until next spring. For on now I'll just have to bring you back to life through words and hope not to cry. Another love is too far away to see and my vision is blurry but I don't want it to be clear. For I fear that I will once again become too selfish because I can't wait forever for you because death is miles away, and I'm not ready to see that side of my life. But when tomorrow starts without you I guess I'll just go home because, sweetheart, all the dust has disappeared.

Let us praise the time when we flew to Vegas one night because we were board. Praise the moment when we were so full of glee that time we won $20, and how we ignored that fact we lost $600. Praise the day our car broke down on the side of a mountain and so we finally got a chance to talk to each other and confess our problems. Praise that moment we meet on that frosty December. I hope your ghost waltzes at sunset with my shadow. I know it's only been a few years since we meet but for me, it was a lifetime of happiness.  Let it be known you are engraved into my brain and I'll always remember the time I saw you clutching books to your chest and puffing dragon breath.

I fear that I’ll lose you,
Even though I want you gone.

I want you to stay,
Yet I often contemplate running away.

Does that make me... inhumane?

Have you driven me insane?
Or is that my head talking?
You’re the one who got me walking,
Now, here I am doing all of this balking.

We’re facing a scare, scarier than painless death.
We’re facing your suffering, promoting your very last breath.

I want you to leave me be,
But not to die prematurely.
Please don’t leave me,
I’m too young to bury,
The one thing that created me.

You are sick
suddenly,
it hit you
like an unexpected enemy
and that's what it is
enemy
I like that word
for describing such pain caused
Attacking you
against you
trying to take you out
Enemy

love thy enemy?
God, how can I?
How can you?
What a terror
what a horrific thing to allow
I scream
in pain
how my Dad must want to scream
but he can't
for the enemy has weakened him
he has taken many blows
infirmary
doctors
tests and more tests
answers?
cures?
none.

Why Enemy? What did he do to you?
Nothing!!
he was kind to his body
so why do you attack it so
Enemy I hate you
if hate could bury you
if it could rip you out of his body
and make you ... disappear
Then hate would **** you for sure
I have enough to eradicate your tiny growth of existence
Your tiny bits causing so much despair

Enemy, I beg of you, don't take him from me

God, fight for me, I am too weak
take over, heal, destroy this terrible little vial growth
God please, I beg on my hands and knees
I plead, don't take my Daddy from me
don't ruin my heart by taking away one of the first people to love me in this world
God please, you gave him to me as Dad,
to love me like you do.
And he did, and he does, and forever will
I need his voice, his hugs, his everlasting comforting presence,
GOD!!
i scream...

I've been standing in the water for a long time now
searching for the end,
but only tripping over stones in the pathway.
Someday my pain
will fade away,
but sadly I'll have to go as well
don't cry yourself to sleep.
It'll make me happy
to die while I still feel alive.
This disease has eaten all that I'm made up of.
Do this for me,
when I'm drifting away, please
hold me tight.
I rather not be alone.
Instead, point out my favorite constellations,
carve this date into a tree,
and sing to me.
Just please sing to me.
I'll find peace in your words and,
I'll catch the tears
that fall from your redden cheeks
and hold them close to me.
There's probably a better place somewhere
out there for me.
A place where there is no pain
and no suffering
because this cancer is slowly killing me,
and I can't live in this state anymore.
I'm sorry.
This world isn't for me
so I must leave.
I must leave.

I never say it,
I really can't show ,
Though I always mean it,
But welcome to now

I do love you,
From every wrinkle,
And oh yes I do,
To every crinkle

You're a great mother,
Even without your hair,
You shaped me a brother,
So proud, to even share

If I do manage to send,
Know this poem doesn't end

Warrior Within


I met childhood cancer face to face.
This disease gives no grace.
Although it tried with all its might,
It could not dim this beauty's light.
God stamped her with a trademark grin,
That draws many in to be her friend.
Spunky, ornery, and oh so very sweet,
To watch her was quite a treat.
Her soul is much wiser then her mine.
Her eyes reassure me everything will be fine.
There's a brave warrior within,
This battle she and God will win.

L. Mack

9/18/18

Auntie Em is calling….

I was just getting to love my Emerald City
The shiny feel of it, its sweetly diverse demi-monde.
Its shimmering green beauty and tranquil sense of safety.
The heels of my ruby red slippers were well & truly dug in.
But no, the state fair balloon stands before me ******* & ready to go.
A grand exclamation mark in my way if ever there was one.
And Toto for once has gone mute, no chance of a last minute hold up.

"Dorothy, Dorothy, where are you?"

I guess it must have been too fantastical a dream to be true.
A time for goodbyes.
I’m embracing the Lion telling him to always be proud of himself & not to walk unafraid.
The Tin Man’s gentle open heartedness I compliment him on as we both shed tears.
The Scarecrow I kiss and thank for his loyalty & grace under fiery pressure.
With a heavy heart, I climb that first tentative step on the block.  

"We’re sick with worry over you"

I could be angry but the wise words of the mystic ring loudly in my year.
I do need to go back – My Auntie Em is really calling me.
Calling me back to the grey flatlands of home.
Back to the numbness of small town heteronormativity.
Where Twisters rarely every came by to sweep you away and save you.
I could only keep singing ‘Over The Rainbow’ in vain hope.

"Find yourself a place where you won't get into any trouble!

Unlike Dorothy Gale, this Dorothy left Kansas voluntarily
The long yellow brick road finally took me under the rainbow and on to my Emerald City
I no longer pined for home but knew all along that it would call me back one day.
And so here I am, drifting higher & higher away from my adopted home.
Perhaps I need to build a revolving door when I get there to pass through both worlds easily
Or perhaps bring something of the rainbow back to illuminate the grey-lands.
Or perhaps – in reality -  some reconciliation between these worlds is in order.
Perhaps.
It’s time to slip on the ruby red slippers and prepare the way for Kansas.
Yes, this Dorothy has surrendered but
I always had the power to be me, my dear.
I just had to learn it for myself.

August –September 2018

First the small details begin to fade
The exact shade of brown in his eyes
The slight rasp in his voice
The warmth of his arms wrapping around you

Second the small moments begin to fade
The smell of smoke tickling your nose
as you sit and roast marshmallows over the fire
The smack of rubber hitting your foot
as you kick the ball to the other side of the field
The pain in your cheeks
as you laugh until you cry because of his ridiculous joke

Lastly the important memories begin to fade
The dizzy feeling of confusion
when he tells you he’s sick and has to stay in the hospital
The burning feeling of anger
when he can’t go back to school like everyone else
The choking feeling of sadness
when he no longer can breathe even with the help of doctors

Eventually all you are left with are
a few foggy, rose-tinted flashes
of childhood memories
a never ending ache in your chest
fueled by unanswerable questions
and an hollowness in your soul
from the absence of your childhood best friend

Hello Mom
I miss you
you were so young
I was a terrible kid
I am sorry

Hello Dad
I miss you
You were so young
You were a terrible dad
I forgive you

Hello Uncle Jim
I Miss you
You were so young
You taught me honor and respect
Thank you for your service

Hello Cousin Tony
I miss you
You were so young
I can't hold a candle to you
Your funeral was impressive

Hello Nana
I miss you
Your heart was pure gold
You didn't deserve to suffer
You taught me more than I could ever repay

Hello Grandpa Tony
I miss you
You showed me how to fix things
Thank you for your service
Nana is with you now

Hello Grandma Pat
I miss you
You have a loving family
Your spaghetti was legendary!
Your son suffers no more

Hello Grandpa John
I miss you
You taught me how to play poker
Thank you for your service
Your loving wife is with you now

Hello Aunt Kathy
I miss you
You were always kind to me
Your jokes made me laugh
I see your face everywhere

Hello Grandpa Kuntner
I never met you
I heard terrible things
If it weren't for you, i'd never been born
For that, I thank you

Hello Grandpa Leon
I never met you
I heard nice things
I am a proud to be a stubborn ******
For that, I thank you