I was Harriet the Spy
to cope with your cruelty
thank god for that movie

Memories gaslight me anyway
whispering that I was wrong
and not good enough

I think mom
What should
Have been
Said is that I was
Suffering under an oppressive
Regime
Called catholic school

I Think mom
What should have
Been said
Is that
I was being bullies for things
Out of my control
And had to suffer 20 odd years

I think mom
What should
Is the word human rights violations
And law suit
Justice
And proper counseling

Britney Spears
The queen of conformity
Heterosexuality
The ****** of ******
Excuse my French I beg
But she is the angel
O death
For many girl starve
Or murderthem selves because of her
She is my most hate celebrity
And people argon poor marylin manson
Tics.

I do not know which is worse
Physical pain or emotional pain

I don’t not know which is worse
Physical torture or dealing with really mean people

I do not know what is worse
Being talked down to or being beaten up physically
take a guess

I know this is an excuse
But  also the truth
If it weren’t for each and every one
Of those toxic people
In my life
I would be in the United States being an FBI agent

I know this is an excuse
But also the truth
If it weren’t for each and every one
Of those toxic people
In my life
I would be a medical examiner helping people find and solve crimes and find a cure for cancer


I know this is an excuse
But it’s also the truth
But if it weren’t for each and every one
Of those toxic people
In my life
Who knows I may have been a famous artist by now

I write about suicide
For thing
Is there is one of my pet causes
You see I  how had  to face turn years of hardship in my 20s
Because of my PTSD and my bullying that I went through
The toxic people in my life
All these things I wanted to face up close and personal instead of cowering
I'm looking way from death

I write about suicide
For one thing
That is it no one else has to die
Or have to suffer what I had to suffer in my 20s
Because the bad times do not last

In some eastern philosophies not everything last forever
And that includes emotions and dark thoughts
They too shall pass if you give it a chance

A person once asked
If was a judgement free person
Meaning that I don’t judge people
I say I
Cannot judge people
For I have been judged
Upon
My race
Orientation
And uniqueness
I should be asking that question
Instead
Of the other.

My jaw has welded itself shut in an iron grip,
Teeth straining under the load as they are compressed
And ground together,
Aching joint failing to remind me to unclench.
What little sleep I have gotten has also sought to seal my mouth,
Until morning brings with it the sharp pain and popping I am now accustomed to.
Sores line my inner lip,
Pale, stinging pits reminding me how close I am teetering on the edge,
Body clinging to its composure amidst sleepless nights
And adrenaline baths.
A feeling like fire alternately surges up my sternum and over my shoulder,
The taste of stomach acid hot on my burning tongue.
I wonder how long I can keep this up
Until the shoulders , taut with paranoia and effort to keep me safe
Pull my very bones apart with aching muscles.
Perhaps I will be consumed from the inside,
Cracking open the same way my chest already feels.
What am I doing here,
Amongst the memories, the mournings, borrowed time?
I am trying desperately to save her from her certain fate
With love and worry and prayers to her God, the one I don't believe in.
I am also trying to save me, the little girl I used to be,
From the torment I know she will experience anyway,
Wishing fervently I could pull her through time and space
Into a world that isn't trying so hard to **** her for who she is,
The space she occupies unknowingly.
I'm haunted by the mouths of children, the words and hands of grown adults
Who did a thorough job of reducing her to mere mud and human filth.
That girl, young, wide-eyed, desperately lonely and confused,
Burning with self-loathing and pain no one will admit to causing,
Haunts me, climbs into bed and warms her frigid form with my body heat.
I can't save her,
The same way I can't save dying grandmothers or dead friends,
Yet my body is tormented because my mind is tormented.
I am cracking, slowly,
Pieces at a time.
But I'm not so easily bested now.
That little girl built armor and walls and weapons to guard herself,
So I down another cup of coffee,
Pour salt into the sores,
Crack my jaw,
And get back to work.
I have to save myself, too.