Embracing my pain🖤

[I always wondered what it was to be cared, loved and be petted. I grew up in disgrace, scolded and treated unwell. I was blackmailed, bullied and forced beyond my limits.]

The childhood which was sweet for everyone was not for me!
Neither appreciated nor saw me as a young girl.
All I was a trash.
I really feel guilt and was I burden always.
Why did you give me birth in this earth?

As days passed by, I was not recognised by any one.
I felt I was a shadow submerged in this dark.
I had no value, and felt like an extra.

Sometimes thought I should have made a full stop long back.

To me childhood was full of responsibilites.
Why did not god gift me with love but pain, no smiles but fakes and at last a life when i didn't ask an one???

Responsibilites and priorities snatched my years of joy till now!
I don't know what its to be a kid nor to be loved by.
I always gave but not got anything in turn neither did I expect cause love can be also one side.

But, all I can feel as days flew by was nothing but emptiness, numbness, no emotion, simply pain but covering them with a fake smile so ppl around me don't get hurt!

Sleepless nights, but no one knows why pillows are stained, sometimes neither I do.
No one knows, how I plead for love, but is forced to act not and strong always.
No one knows how my mood swings but called rude cause I don't wanna hurt anyone at that moment!
No one tries to know cause they think I am cool and my life is perfect which I pretend the most.

Now days are getting slower and nights longer. I don't know where I belong.

I feel like nothing. Though people love me, I am scared to trust, that I neglect them and move afar so they wont be hurt because of me. My heart is into pieces and I know that I can still pretend stronger and fine.

Why, where and how did I come to this miserable world which should have been so simple. Can no one hear the silent cries Or is this the fate of us.

I am being a ghost alive and the shadows so deep in me are leaving behind.

Even I don't know who I am/ for I am suppressed and not moulded, for I am snatched and did not live.

Maybe the curse of birth is the cause and its ok cause its not ok!

Why me? When all i did and still do is place rest of the people first before me.

Why me? Cared to fix people heart from my own flesh

Why me? Thought people were true when they just used and manipulated me

Why me? When my childhood was a grave but still choosing to find peace.

Yes, I lost my HOPE.
And the desire to LIVE.
Just breathing, for the sake of my family

~Varsha Srinivasan 🖤

It takes to much to live
Collected from the start
'Till the wick can no longer be lit

All I have left to give
Is this mangled mess of a heart
And a broken spirit

Passive or aggressive
Lifes and bodies fall apart
Death is all we inherit

And death is possessive
No retort
Take the hit and grin and bear it

©2024

I’d always wanted to go to College,
In another life I did.

I spent my time rotting with my brothers,
Four people bound by a schedule,
Held by a cradle of sheet music and dirt.

We’d dance to the music we lived for,
Sing of the people we dreamed of being,
Wrapped in smoke and promises of gold.

Our goals began to change,
A collage of broken people,
Forced together by Pain and Noise.

You left years ago,
The four musketeers in the wind,
Devoid of anything but hope.

Now I'm alone again,
Rotting in my room
I’d always wanted to go to College,
And maybe once I did.

Every time I called your name.

Every time I believed in change.

you called me weak and lame.

Said I couldn't hang.

Said I'm to blame.

Exchange rearrange the fallen rain.

Now my pockets full of bills and change.

Now I'm known,

Now you wanna blow my line,

call my phone,

Rang! Rang! Rang!

Sorry, never home,

and I think I'm better off on my own.

No time remains,

syringe hits the vain.

Pulling back the hammer,

squeeze the trigger,

BANG!!!!



Barrell to the head.

thru the dome the bullet slowly kills the pain.

White walls painted red.

Funny how the paper contains all my shame.

entertained from all your played games.

No other way to seal the deal.

Final supper full of dread.

All your lie to ****.

Every time I hear your heels.

never looking back running for the hills.

I spin my wheels,

pushing bricks of lead.

Take these pills,

should help with the chills you feel,

but all the blood I spilled

keeps me awake in bed.

I toss and turn,

losing my head.

Going crazy

needed help but you fled.

Leaving me broken instead.

spoon feed.

Guilty pled,

feelings dead,

love for meds,

Flounders Ned.

Reverse physiology just in case you've misread.

Undesired, untouched like a moldy piece of bread.

brain matter splatters and spreads,

all my hate I bred.

hanging on by a thread.

Heart mislead,

so I sped ahead

to this weather that casts overhead.

News of the fallen king widespread.

Lost love, From the unwebbed.

Betrayal.
A constant occurrence.
Yet I do not learn.
The value of distance.
The value of observation.

Betrayal.
When will I learn?
To stay away.
From the very man kind.
Whose clutches constantly disappoint.

Betrayal.
When will I learn?
Few are truthful.
Few are deserving,
Of my love,
Of my friendship.

Betrayal.
A constant occurrence.
By those dearest to your heart.