It's so strange
My love for you
Entangled deep within my soul,
Knowing it
And my longing for you
will never end.

And at the same time
You are the very last thing
I'd choose to have
in my life.

So I just sit
In this state of
Conflict.

Somone
some day
might love me;
might gaze beyond
the terror
and doubt;
the walls that stand
like angels and gods,
shielding me from
all the Bad Things of Before.

Someone
might say I'm enough,
and make excuses for the pain
I inflict--
for the icy,
blood-soaked
blade
I brandish so easily.
The thousand cuts
that lead them
to their ends.

Someone might open my chest,
see the rose-colored
soul
that shivers there:
the terrified child crouching in shadow,
and long to comfort
and give her
a home.
To shower her
with recognition
and acceptance.
To promise peace
and eternity
and the weight of gold
in an undeviating
kiss.

But for now,
I know only memories.
Only the cold,
dawning
glow
of regret.
The sting of curiosity
behind a cracked
and dust-sopped
window.
The horror
and tragedy
in Truths I cannot challenge.

In veiled,
onyx
lace,
I chase your ghost
in scores immeasurable,
in crescendoes
of yesterday
and shivering
melodies
of dreams.
The contours of your flesh:
a refrain of constant agony,
solace withered
by ancient hymns
of how you'd kiss me in the dark.
You--
in your cheap,
tweed
suit.
With your history books
and cigarettes
and your drab apartment
off of Sunset,
where the August sun
would teem
through windows
in perfect
bursts
of chaos.
Particles that mapped
perfect roads
paved with ivory skulls,
arching along the
highway
and drifting down
to the Kingdom of Death:
the gilded streets of Hollywood,
so oppressive,
my mind has not left.

I had always been the pliable one...
the one that always asked herself,
“How much could you use me until you were done?”
I resigned to bed sheets: comatose...
the idea of loneliness sinking in...
wondering if you were thinking of me.

I wasn’t always flexible, but always willing to
bend and break on your behalf
until you decided to flee the coup.
Because that’s when I finally bucked up
and stood my shaky ground
and realized you were actually the lonely one.

I am an addict -
For your pain
Your love,
Your roses,
Your touch;

I am a house of cards -
Full of pain
I fall apart
Like rain

But you -
Are to blame
For my;

Addiction to pain

Eyes turned downwards in the shame of loving and forgetting, when love has been waysided to the lust of youth

Days were floating by as we struggled with our heads dowsed in the blood between our veins.
Our blood of memories soon to be
lives yet to be lived.

Your voice plays on the broken record in my head
all I can hear is the silence between three words

Thousands of lives between us
millions left unsaid
an infinity to continue beyond and a forever that doesn’t last always
Yet we pray, howling to gods that have faded away with the eastern rise
we pray for longing, the lingering effects of verses with unknown tongues traded and abated under our scorching sun
But let the moon love us in this absence
Let my love keep you from drowning
Let truth shine her light upon you
Removing all that is lost in searching
Still and quiet with time
painted and tainted until the dust removes one forsaken layer of words staining the cracks of new beginnings
‘You will always be golden to me’

When people ask me why I left you. I answer them honestly. Now, it’s time to tell you. I got tired of kissing you. I got tired of seeing you. I got tired of your jokes. Your smiles, your laugh, but most importantly, I got tired of you. I hate to say this bluntly, but you need to understand. I just didn’t love you anymore.

Wish I had some harder drugs to get high,
To get rid of the feelings of when you lie,
Straight to my face,
Who did you **** today?
I know you're not telling the truth when you say no one,
And I should have some self-respect, and be done,
But I've been on this ride for so long,
I don't know how to even get off,
And I just keep calling it love,
But maybe this toxicity just is not enough,
Anymore,
What for?

For all the lies he feeds me about a future only he can ever see,
Because all I can envision is the past and everything he kept promising to me,
Then he handed to someone else on a silver platter while I begged for scraps of affection,
I just want to be free, free of the love he gives me that's no more than an addiction,

It's killing me slowly,
Bringing me so low, see,
I'm on the ground ***** and crawling,
Not seeing the writing on the wall that's scrolling,
Over and over warning me to run,
Find someone who doesn't think it's fun,
To make me cry at night in bed all alone,
While he can't answer the ******* phone,
Cause his wife is next to him,
And what do I have, *****?
Nothing at all,
Who for?

For the man who feeds me lies about a future only he can ever see,
Because all I can envision is the past and everything he kept promising to me,
Then he handed to someone else on a silver platter while I begged for scraps of affection,
I just want to be free, free of the love he gives me that's no more than an addiction.