It was a black dress
and a $12 glass of white wine
that I later beamed to pay for

Sitting at the bar
alone
I got to see you first
I saw you without me
I could not wait
to change that

Tell me
let me tell you
pizza and salad
a conversation
that needed nothing
lingered in moments
and made me love you

Tiramisu and coffee
I should have kissed you
in the stairwell
of that restaurant
basement

“Come home with me?”
“ok.”
the train station
“I can’t.”

“Can I hug you?”
you asked
don’t leave
you left.

a flight back home
away from you
and that hug
and that hope
It was a black dress
a $12 glass of wine
a night
one night
that I was yours
Such short and simple words to hide a long enduring pain
born out of romanticizing
handing your heart
to a perfect stranger

trust me
they’re never perfect

What a gift to be half crazy.
High functioning,
they like to say.
How flattering to be told
I hide it well.

“It seems you are quite bright.”
Why thank you doctor dear.
I’ll revel in your
in your homage
while I drink.

How ‘bout this,
write me a list,
sane people of the world.
A definition
of who exactly
deserves your help.

Internal wounds,
please breach the surface.
Don’t make me dig for you.
I’ll never find
the proof I need
to show I’m worthy.

What is it like
to play the last card
Playing with cards
from the shards of your heart
What's it like
to see in the dark
light a little spark
What's it like
to see in black and white
What's it like
to feel a rainbow inside
What's it like
to feel it all together
What's it like
to enjoy
but suffer
Ask me what it feels like
trust me I know
What it's  like to laugh
when you have suicidal thoughts
What it's like
to have tears of joy
While the monsters in your head
play with your heart like a toy
And make you cry
and cry
Cry over and over
When pain is your drug
and you haven't been sober
You always tell yourself
it's gonna be over
But what is it
the joy or the torture
When will you hang
a rope to your collar
And the blood fro your wrists
keeps pouring
over and over
Or maybe one day
your heart won't be polar
and black and white
will burst into the sky
and a rainbow writes
It is finally
Over

i am going to try to articulate.
i am borderline
even more so, a gemini borderline.
if that has anything to do with it
i must have all the attention on me
at least that's what they say
but i think it's true because when you were in my bed
and you left
i said wait
you were not him.
you were someone else
who held my hand
and held me
so i must have all the attention,
again, a gemini.
a flirt,
i cannot control my impulses because of this disease
i thought i was okay
but now i see ill never be better
because i am a liar
and a lover
but not always of one
atleast,
thats what i say.