I wish people revolved around me
like the moon around the Earth
so that I might plan
for the tides.
Instead,
people swarm
wielding an erratic force
tugging in all directions
shifting my focus
in and out
pulling my confidence
back and forth
forcing reality
to ebb and flow
as if the gravity
of my sanity
were not enough
to hold it solidly
in place.

Reality should be the mountains
not the sea.
Tell me,
how do I freeze the oceans
without killing all the life?

Then, out of nowhere,
I sat up in the dark
and started to sing
soft notes unnamed
giving and taking
just enough air
to reverberate
my heart
and muster
my soul
until silently singing
I headed for the door.

My inner self
wears a devilish smirk
mocking my healthy living.

It’s seen this cycle
many times before
life’s not that forgiving.

Smiling because
it knows my truth
whispering in my ear,

your pleasure lies
in pain my friend
this act is insincere.

Get up early
eat an apple
run a mile or two.

Unless you wipe
me off your heart
self-worth will not accrue.

You don’t believe
not yet I know
from here it’s plain to see.

Because I am you
not drugs or *****
you cannot hide from me.

Drifting from the moment
like tying up my laces.
A process so ingrained
I’ll be doing it in my grave.

Snapping back I see a bow
and find my body dead.
Can’t even remember how I died,
let alone how I lived.

Live on barefoot beaches
with grains etched in your feet.
Feel each one for what it is,
now is in your reach.

And so it went,
until she decided to stop.
Smile.
And begin again.
In a different direction.
Curving upward,
Towards the Sea of Tranquility

As I stare up at the ceiling
I drown myself in metaphors
until I’m inundated
by self-inflicted
symbols of misery.

Oh how clever you are,
to conjure up a whole lifetime
from this one moment,
in which you’ve forgotten
about the sea.

Did you know I’m brave?
Did you know I’m caring?
Did you know I’m extraordinary?

I’d like to cash these in.
I’d like a payout.
I’d like something in return.

Did you know I’m weak?
Did you know I’m pathetic?
Did you know I’m ungrateful?

I’d like to be punished.
I’d like to be held accountable.
I’d like to bleed away my guilt.

If you’re still listening,
I’d like to know what it is
that I truly deserve.
I’d like to feel free from worrying
that I’m taking too much,
Or not enough,
Or too much,
Or not enough

It didn’t happen overnight,
It was nightly,
In the dark.
Festering in the day,
Guilty in the sun,
Hidden under smiles,
Masked in the noise,
Owned by the owner,
Used by the user,
Fed by the feeder.
Listened to
Cared for
Nurtured.
Until you believed that it mattered.
It doesn’t matter.
You do.

I stare down.
Straight down.
And stroke the silky threads
of a golden woven flower.

You cannot have my eyes.
Audio is all I can bear.
Forgive me. Forgive me.
I’m trying.

I yell for just a moment.
The flood threatens the dam.
What a relief it would be
to burst and ride that wave.

Your love, your love, your love.
Knocking painfully at my door
I am afraid to open it
for the strangers who raised me.

I sit in a burgundy leather chair at work
Hoping that I don't get fired.
But I tried downloading an unauthorized program onto my computer
And a pop-up with the word *******
Flashed across the screen when I went to check the baseball scores.

Maybe I will forsake this whole ******* life
And run off into a hermitage
Heaping ashes on myself, prostrated before a cheap wax statue.
But on some level what I'm really doing
Is avoiding responsibility.

I'm dreading the drive home, to be honest
Because I know you will greet me with that fiery anger
That paradoxically gives me an *******
But also breaks my heart.

Maybe I can just walk in the door
***** preemptively sealed in a yellowed Mason jar,
And say,

"Just stay right where you are, Steve."
"We don't want any trouble..."