staring at the sidewalk the night of my birthday
i show up at your door
here for your roommate says my mouth
my tears say that i want more
its his bed i sleep in
dreaming of your lips on my skin
last summer car parked at the drive in
i was a sucker for your devil grin

John Brown died in 2019, it's sad and it's true.
If he hadn't died, today he would've turned 52.
We met at Bean Station Elementary School in 1979.
We quickly became friends, he was a buddy of mine.
But during the last few years of his life, he caused a lot of grief.
He didn't want to pay back what he owed and he became a thief.
When my back was turned, he swiped twenty of my pills.
I wish that it was just a bad dream but sadly, it was real.
I didn't know that John would turn to drugs when I was a kid.
mark my words, if you do drugs, you will die just like he did.

Your birthday is soon
The air is ashen
Scented with burning leaves
I ride this shaking yellow chariot without you
Passing yellow-green crops and empty ditches
It’s rather lonely, really
You’ve finally gotten a car
Though you don’t like it all too well
It’s old and used
But there's no need to worry
It will take you where you need to go
Your birthday is soon
You’ll be an adult
If you could truly call eighteen years an adult
But I’m proud of you
You’ve grown so much
Even taller than me, now
Maybe someday, you’ll love yourself as much as I love you
I wish I could do the same for myself
Soon, it will be my birthday as well
I’ll be an adult
But you know I’m still a child
Small inside and immature
Thinking about the childhood ripped away from you
Of laughter and joyous grins
The large hands of a father that gently grip little fingers
The one we both deserved
Your birthday is soon
And we’re almost off to college
And though you don’t believe you have a future
I know you do
With your graphite-stained palms
You manifest entirely new worlds
I find it beautiful
And you take yourself for granted
Your birthday is soon
And as I write these words
This terrible jostling machine slows to a stop
Peeling my body from navy leather seats
I dig out my keys
I will head home
Just like I always have

today is my birthday.
the day i was born.
the day my faith was just started.

today,
i got a new number.
i got a plus one for my age.
nothing different.
it's just an ordinary day like usual.
but at the start of the day, i got surprises from my beloved people.

i am so grateful, for everything, today (and the other days).

i spent my time with my person & had much fun.

but you know what,
once i entered my room, the feelings changed.
i put my things to its own place,
i changed my clothes, the feelings got worse.

i laid my body on the bed,

and BAM

my tears broke.
it just broke

my feelings reduced me to tears with its own "things"

one thing..
i don't usually feel blue on my bday
but today,

i can't even validate my feelings.
everything just messed up the moment i laid my body, or should i keep walking?
is it my fault to gave my body a rest?
i shouldn't be stop, right?
the head keep talking.

and my heart sinks.

No other thing in this uncertain world
Tastes sweeter and surer
Than your name on my lips

A grace, undeserved
Bestowed upon me
For all the times you've held me

And I do not know what I did
In this life, or another
To be blessed by the heavens

Unsure if I was chosen somehow
Or by some stroke of luck
Came out from misfortunes

Given the sweetest grace
I am still somehow in doubt
If I am worthy

But deemed so by your touch
Igniting everything in me
And I am alive, living finally

Maybe it is true
That mercy changes you
Because now I have been renewed

And if this is a mistake
Against the world and all of nature
Then it is one I am willing to make

You have been named after fate
But in my mind
I call you sweeter things

You say that you cannot see it
And maybe so, maybe it is me
Because lately I have been realizing

I am the one who is lucky

It’s your first birthday away from home. 18 was old school, full of firsts and fears of growing up. At 19, your last teen, you’re older now, firsts are no longer feasible yet no one tells you about your first birthday alone. Your friends at 18 are no longer the first you see when you the clock strikes midnight simply because they are not your first friends anymore. Your friends at 19 are different, older and birthdays are days you are born on, that doesn't mean they love you any less. At your last teen, you spend your first alone. You learn to re-love yourself. You no longer need the boy to text you at 00:00 nor your parents’ forehead kiss by the foyer. You no longer need a surprise cake nor the flashy birthday posts. You need yourself, who has always been there for you at your first first because here’s to re-loving yourself at your last teen, at nineteen.