Friends and family often ask me what suffering from bipolar is like
I always give the same cookie-cutter response.
It is comprised of really high highs
It also has really low lows and
If you are fortunate enough you have periods of baseline.
I  have never been able to explain that complexity in my head.
I was never been able to explain the pain and suffering that has been happening for over 8 years.

I was never able to explain that the lows are sometimes last months or years of hate and self-loathing.
I was never able to explain the thought never stops you can not eat, sleep, or breathe without feeling pain.
I was never able to explain that you feel like your drowning and
       you are using all your energy to stay afloat that it is easier to just give up some time and sink.
I was never able to explain that everything is spinning out of control that you cling on to anything you can.
I was never able to explain that the hurtful thing I caused to myself
       was out of survival to show to myself I could still control
               something, anything in a place that feels like you will never feel stable again.

I was never able to explain how the highs are not highs they are a
  monster dressed as an angle that seduces you to believe that things are better.
I was never able to explain how that demon pushes you past all your limits until you find yourself alone and drained.
I was never able to explain the addiction to the feeling of happiness that comes on occasions with the highs
I was never able to explain that after living in darkness for so long the high is all you can ask for even if you know it will hurt you.

If I had to explain to people now what it is like to suffer from bipolar disorder is like, I would say it is exhausting.
The thoughts never end.
They never stop no matter how depressed or manic you are.
You lie awake all night because you can not silence them.
You wake up before sunrise because your awoken by the racing of the thoughts.
Your brain never stops.
You are left on the floor immobilized unable to do anything but listen to your head feeding you lies.
You are left with a body that can no longer function.
You are left exhausted and that feeling never goes away.
If I had to describe bipolar disorder in one word it would be
Exhaustion

i'm basically either homicidally happy,
or suicidally sad

but sometimes, i'm a bit of both

day in, day out,
all the same
eating,
sleeping,
playing games

sometimes I look
at these **** walls
and in a way,
I hope they fall

but then I take
a look outside
and it just makes me
wanna cry

it's so **** cold
I'd freeze to death
so here I sit
and waste my breath

I feel so useless,
so **** lazy
I can't get out
i'm going crazy
I look outside
pray for relief
but the weatherman
says "wait a week"

but it has been
a couple days
don't think I can
go on this way

I have to break out
from my mind
or I won't make it to tonight

sadly, I'm sadder
in this moment than I was
just moments ago

existence is pain
and all my daily pursuits
just leave me empty

Another day, another ache
my mind is just a total blank
I punch these keys, to no avail
but won’t allow myself to fail
I feel so useless, feel so dumb
I struggle, but the words won’t come
a waste of space, a waste of time
I lost that spark I had inside

I used to have so much to write
sometimes it’d keep me up at night
now where it was, there’s just an ache
my mind is still a total blank
still punching keys, to no avail
another try, another fail
I’m such a failure, i’m so dumb
these ******* words won’t seem to come

a waste of time, a waste of space
my failure stares me in the face
or maybe at another time
I can put something in these lines
or maybe some good tunes would help
no, i’m just lying to myself
I lost that spark I had inside
my life is just a waste of time

I wake up every morning
and try to be fruitful
do something, say something
try to be useful
but I realize at the end of the day
that I’m just filling time
with these meaningless things

I play games,
I write things,
exercise,
get some sleep

feel the burn,
toss and turn,
then I rinse and repeat

and if, for some reason
I didn’t get up
then it’d all be the same
‘cos no one gives a ****

my love says I need help,
and that ****** me off
‘cos I know there’s no pill
that can make this all stop

when you have no desire
too tired to live
those antidepressants
aren’t gonna do ****

I failed my attempt at a routine  today
I struggled to sleep and I got up too late
but at least I worked out, got my muscles warmed up
still, I never feel like I did quite enough

then I ate some oatmeal, just a half of a cup
but since I got it down, now it’s trying to come up
now my girlfriend is grumpy, don’t know what to do
‘cos she ran out of smokes, so I failed at that, too

I really don’t know where I’ll come up with cash
it’s not like I can pull a few bucks out my ***
so I guess I’m just ******, not a thing I can do
I’m so over today, I want it to be through

I toss and turn as things I’ve said
play on repeat inside my head
and feel the burning sting of shame
that shows no signs of going away

these past few days I’ve been a *****
to think about it makes me sick
instead of showing gratitude
I’ve had a ****** attitude

I don’t know how I could forget
that lately I have been so blessed
most every night, I fall asleep
beside someone who cares for me

and every morning, I wake up
she makes a *** and brings a cup
and she reminds me with a smile
that she’ll be there for quite awhile

in life, I never thought I’d have
somebody that could love like that
she truly treats me like a King
I don’t do much of anything

I have to show my gratitude
and change my ****** attitude
I have to treat her like the Queen
that she has always been to me