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Belle Dec 2017
all the birthdays i've missed
but all i'll gain
i've been in treatment for so long, hopefully this time will work
m Dec 2017
you probably didn't think it was a disaster
with the feeding tube stuffed down your nose,
but it's wednesday, december 27th
and i can't stop thinking about how you are choking on it.
I wanted to believe somehow, that you and your worsening body
would somehow sprout back to life
like the wilted rosemary plant in my kitchen i never stop watering
like maybe this disease you engineered from glass and food and measuring tapes
would remember what you were like before.

when you were a svelte image of a red sun,
tiptoeing through the hairs of broken tree branches
and i wanted to look through them to see you burning
because it made sense to me every time i had to close my eyes
that you were something of warmth and serenity and you were always there
and i was cold and hopeless, lying underneath you
begging for you, or something else to save me

and i still haven't apologized
about how i left you and your pile of dead skin
and how i didn’t even say goodbye
just wandered off, praying and expecting i’d get lost,
but i’ve either forgotten how
or i'm terrified my stutters won't form into words you could forgive.

I don't know which one is worse

I don't know if that's even the worst of it.

its wednesday, december 27th
and i'm thinking about how far you are from me.

and i’m still searching for you in the sky
but i can’t see anything past all the rain.
a Dec 2017
you know something is wrong
when holidays
just turn
into regular
boring
old ******* days
my illnesses have ****** everything up for me. Can't feel a **** thing now
Belle Dec 2017
"there's no place like home for the holidays"
that stupid ******* Perry Como song has been ruining my life ever since Wednesday when I got a call that said, "actually we need you to come in tomorrow we are really concerned about you."
it was either residential or the hospital.
i was picking between the lesser of two evils
i called my grandmother on the phone and she said, "i don't understand why you aren't getting better."
and i don't either.
i had to force a smile upon my face today so i could force pep into my voice so i could force a lie to my lips about how good today was when i called her today.
when in reality today i cried three times and i wanted to jump out my bedroom window, and planned to run away on multiple occasions.
i opened the stocking they gave us when they tried to make it more "christmasy" and i just wanted to throw the ******* soaps they made me in their faces and screech "THIS IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH."
i want my family. i want ******* egg nog.
they didnt even let me make 5 minute eggnog.
i want to look at MY tree—-not this tree named "Harold" ******* thats 3 feet tall and has strictly circular, generic ornaments on it.
i want to be with my sister. i missed all summer with her because i was in treatment and now I'm missing all winter break with her because of it.
this isn't christmas.
this isn't home for the holidays.
nothing like laying in the middle of a stairwell looking at a white ceiling after talking to your joyful family for 35 minutes on the phone to make you realize how important the holidays with your family really are to you.
this is *******.
this is waiting 730 days for Christmas because I did not get it this year.
I'm so sorry that i ****** up again
i hate everything
i hate myself misty
i hate myself
i'm a terrible person
maybe the best christmas gift would be if i just died.
the counselors keep saying "if you die you'll never get to spend christmas with your family, though." but at least the pain would be over.
madison curran Dec 2017
your body is a temple,
they tell me,
but still I do not eat.
it is a temple which I do not pray to,
it is a temple where my insides pray for food,
where my mind prays to feel something,
anything.
so I feed it anything that will plant hedges in my mind,
to shadow the burning house that it has become,
so no one notices and calls for help,
even if only for a few minutes,
but I do not feed it anything which will allow my body to grow,
I have cut down all the trees,
even though oxygen is scarce,
there are factories pumping smoke throughout me,
pollution is heavy,
as heavy as my body feels most nights,
weighing down the earth,
and I am only noticing now,
how hard it has become to breathe.
Danielle Alexis Dec 2017
She is "The Monarch" of her own little world
Makeup applied and drowning in pearls
She walks down the halls of a house long abandoned
Regret stays beside her, her only companion
Memories play out like an opera before her
She went for the gold but ended up poorer
One foot is forced in front of the other
Each step an echo of lost sisters and brothers
To protect what matters a wall must be built
Brick upon brick, fear stacked with guilt
Exit the house, exit the dream
Enter a reality of conflicting schemes
Lucky for her she's loaded with downers
Schizophrenics grab both above and below counters
Trembling fingers clutch at the rim
Of a toilet containing this girl's ****** sin
She drowns her pain in colors of joy
Pinks, yellows, purples, to her mouth they deploy
These soldiers are saviors, without them she's dead
It's getting more common, the scream in her head
She tried to fight back but her will was too frail
The going got tough and everyone bailed
But what happens to the general that loses an army
"Perhaps ask the girl that's apparently self harming
For she is a veteran of wars never won
Invisible scars from invisible guns"
Call for a truce, wave the white flag
Nobody sees that the Queen's wearing rags
Somebody save her because God is long gone
She may not be breathing, flame extinguished come dawn
Her enemies draw near, they sense she's grown tired
Dragged not just through mud but also through briars
She can't ask for help with a lock on her lips
Ropes around ankles and chains around wrists
In a life filled with ultimatums, lies and distrust
Ashes are more than just ashes, dust more than just dust
The air becomes pain, each inhale near torture
Her Highness doesn't chase the things that can scorch her
So back into the dream, back into the house
Never the lion but always the mouse
Clean up the pearls and apply more concealer
Confirm the next order with the local drug dealer
A wilted rose with all its petals furled
I am "The Monarch," this is my world.
Ben Kaw Dec 2017
Chewing and swallowing is a hassle.
I wish it weren't taboo to cut
open my stomach and insert the meal through the wound. Nothing would go to waste.

Mastication is unsightly. It rots your mind and teeth. It tears and mashes what you love into paste, leaving nothing but bones.

At least **** the marrow dry.

Would you eat something someone else spat out? You are food too. You are slathered in someone else's slime.

I try to slice away the mold that consumes him but the mold is all over. Even a little bit of mold on a treat like him is a sign that it's everywhere, that it's toxic, but I keep carving away, believing there is something that can be salvaged.
December 12, 2017

A prose poem about struggling to connect with a boy and wishing it were easier.
Rae Lynn Sopper Dec 2017
I fell in love with a Liar
One that hurt me and betrayed me
It made me feel like I was special and unique

I fell in love with a Monster
One that scared me and hid from me
It welcomed me with a warm smile and open arms

I fell in love with a Phony
One that cheated me and scammed me
It held promises for a beautiful and prosperous future

I fell in love with a Demon
One that tore and ripped me apart
It had seemed so sweet and sincere

I fell in love with an Illness
I fell in love with Anorexia
I fell in love with a killer
Thankfully . . . I'm no longer in love
María Carreras Dec 2017
As I look at myself in the mirror
darkness is all I see.
My troubled eyes
look back at me.
Tear stains
all over my cheeks.
The make up I use to hide my imperfections
is now
gone
and so my ugly skin shows.
My hair.
The mess of tangles that sits on my head.
My lips:
chapped,
opened
as I let out another sob.
I can't do this anymore.

My teary eyes drift from my face to my body.
The first thing I notice:
my arms.
Skin so pale I could blend in with a white wall.
Next my stomach and chest.
And along with it,
the scars that have marked my past.
So gross.
So ugly.
So useless.
My legs, my thighs, no gap between them.
Why can't I just be skinny?
Why is it so hard?
Maybe I'll just give up on eating again.
That will make me beautiful, right?

Another cry, another whimper,
another imperfection found.
Another pill.
This will take my pain away.
I just can't seem to be good enough.
Shaky hands hold a razor.
My friend.
My saviour.
My life and my  cause of death.

Will I resist today?
Ephemeral Em Dec 2017
Some nights I feel a pain in my chest, beating against my rib cage, as if my heart were punching itself, as I sometimes do
My breaths grow shallow and it's hard to breathe
And I think
Tonight could be the night that I die
I could die with my heart and hipbones full of bruises, self inflicted, painted with my own brush strokes
And it's doesn't hurt as much as it should
And it's not as scary as it should be
I'm numb inside, starving my feelings until they survived off of scraps of words given to me, compliments I don't allow myself to receive
And I know that I am starving
But I still punch my stomach for growling
I tell myself that it is applauding but I know
I know
That it is not celebrating
It is crying
Yelling for help
And I want someone to hear
But I silence it with liters and liters of water
Drowning the girl in me that wants help
Drowning
And as I sink I stare at skeleton girls and worship them
Begging them
As if they could teach me how to shed my skin
Teach me how not to eat
How not to need
I am a withered plant hidden from the light
Wilted
I could be beyond help
But we'll never truly know
Until I am back in the sun
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