In addition to the messed up 'abandonment' issues,
Over the past several days,
My body has been expressing all this pain,
And I try to suppress it,
To dissociate and push it away…
As though it is not really me…
But it is not working anymore.

Much like the ‘pushing away’ of the memories
The past as I did for so many years,
It is here, demanding to be felt!
But I don’t want to feel it
I don’t want to remember any of it.

But my body and I
We are now in this tug of war,
Suddenly my body has become "Mission Impossible”
Spilling over with pain and aches
Then memories connect to the pain
Suddenly I am in the middle of a full-fledged flashback hell.
I can do everything in my “pink little self-soothing box”
But none of it will work.
And I hear you saying,
You need to be kind to your body,
Find a way to live in your body...
But right now that is not possible…
Because my body represents something bad and *****
I cannot be connected to that right now.
My body belonged to him,
I still associate it with him
We are not one.

And at night, when this happens,
I am freaked out
You are not there to help me through it
I cannot seem to do it alone
Then I want to hurt myself even more
Up, to, and including termination.
This is not about “SUICIDE”
But rather making the pain
**STOP!

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust
Call this assurance if you must;
But when it's time to say Farewell
To one you love, it's just plain hell.

There are no words, no healing balm,
To fill the void, to ease the calm;
And not a thing that one can say
Will drive the quick hot tears away.

We look upon the empty chair
And seek the one no longer there;
And so heartbreaking is the pain
We question if we'll meet again.

How grim indeed, if death should be
The Bitter End--- Eternity;
Just some vague dream conceived by Man
And not a part of any plan.

But God has taken such great care
To note the sparrow in the air;
His Love alone can cover all
And Mark a simple Sparrows' fall.

And if he cares for the birds that fly,
then he must hear My Anguished cry;
"Dear God, I yield my grief to Thee
For Thou alone can comfort me."