I never define you enough. I will never could. I will always remember how I touch your hands and how your thumb rub mine. Like they belong together. Your hands and mine. Next to each other. Intertwined. I feel a storm heading my way, but I have no umbrella in my thin shirt. Not like I care, because I don't. No matter what you do, what you will do, what you were. As long as I have you in arm length, I don't care much. I might remember everything, but I will always be glad to be reminded that you are around me. I would love that, but never as much as I love you.

Now I will live my days seeing the images projected in my head of how we kissed in the middle of the trees, shivering in the breeze, looking at clouds. I f I could just put some of my feelings to a bottle and let you have some of it. I guess, I can finally taste happiness. Not pure, but well sugared indeed.

I hope you are having the best time of your life. Under wherever sky you are under. I hope you find that thing you are looking for, I hope you grow as much as I do. I will miss you indeed but I know you will be doing great.

Because if you can bring a death girl back to life, I'm sure you can do pretty much everything in the surface of universe.

I say I love you a lot. That's my favorite words. After the word, us.

We had a good run. The next time I see you we will be at the front line. From the start.

Thank you. And I'm sorry.

Once (or twice if you are lucky) in your life you will get that little electrical reaction between the gap of your ribs. A little exciting kind of pain. Unlike the one you made in your wrist, with rusty old blade you desperately unhook from a sharpener. This pain lasted. In a good way, like your first tattoo or a scar you get from falling from your first bike ride. The happy memories, happy thoughts from a little old healed wound.

I might say, well indeed I believe you didn't believe me at all. But trust me, you will feel it. You might be confused on how someone can light up your whole day in a blink of their eyes. And totally turn it upside down with just an additional 'hello' or 'good morning' but if that hurts you, wait. Just wait until they tell you they love you back and there goes your entire life. Back to zero. Back t that happy memories of actually getting that new scooters you really want. Before the 2 wheels bike brought you down the heel and hurt your knee. Before everything.

Trust me. Trust someone that stay all along. Trust the person who listen and stay quiet. Trust the one that listen and went mad. Trust the one who listen with their heart. You will fall in love before you know you fall. You will love before you know what love is. Because that's how you know. That's how you get hurt and that's how it turns out to matters.

And we move along. Like I've been here along.

I wrote. Well, if I may say I do write sometimes. Sometimes like these, in particular when I find you wondering around in my head like a little squirrel between tree branches. I believe I put you somewhere in there, perhaps in the right side of my brain, where all the art is.

You see, I may have become such a bitter person. Believing isn't always an easy task. As well as staying up and growing strong. ***** aside, I'm not a good person after all. Yet there you are, single handedly ruin my walls down to the very bricks. I should be boiling furious right now, but your stupid smirk must have some sort of spell.

Words may define you less than my touch. But I will try my best. Nothing as close  as impossible as pointlessly trying to make you at least understand the urge I have toward you. While you standing there cluelessly, I'm just a long breath away from literally attacking your hair with my lips down at yours and I'm not even joking.

The worst part of believing is it's indescribable, blind most of the time. I say, to have faith is like having a double bladed dagger in your hands. You can hold it wrongly, you can hold it to tight, it can hurt you as much as it can protect you, it can be a weapon or it can be a life saver.

At nights like these with a hard drizzle, I try to write. To solemnly attempting to ease up a bit of that stabbing pain of missing the warmth of your arms around my waist. The sounds creep up on me. As one after another drop of rain brings the memories of that day when we kisses. My heart never beat as calmly, out of my prediction. While yours just, like a synchronize classical orchestra. Just, breath taking. I guess my heart always remind me how to live, but never how to love.

And it was just telling me, to love is to slowly letting your guards down. Because now, you aren't fighting alone.

And then we kissed.

I guess it is almost  like how they make those coins appeared from the back of your ears, magic.

Let me tell you something. The thing that I want more than being perfectly fine is to be perfectly matched for you. I want to wake up feeling the tip of your toes slightly kissing mine. So tender, so soft, so innocently honest. As I realized that your arms have turn to a pillow under my neck and a blanket around my waist. As slowly listening to the rhythm of your breath while I try to match it with mine. Like a symphony, like that song we play over and over again even tho you hate the way I never get tired of humming to the same tune, you still twirl me in a dance we perform in the middle of your messy room.

I want to realized the way you fall asleep. As those eyelids slowly closing, I want them to see mine as the last thing they catch in sight. We can have nothing but ourselves around each other and I still feel like I have the whole universe within my front pocket. Turning off the alarm by kissing your lips and slowly sneak into your shirt just to get me to the coffee machine because I can't even help it being anywhere without the scent of your skin.

And the morning go on. Like we will never grow old.

Let me know how you feel about your coffee. Or about me.

I'm not sure
If this is a poem
Aren't poem suppose to be
beautiful?
I can't see how this is one
I can't see how I'm one

I'm not sure
Like, not even a bit
How is life could be so
painful?
How can life that has so many
laughters
and love
and you
could have been so
painful?

I'm not sure
I mean
Is it just me or
the whole world is just a ball of
disappointment?
Or is it just
me who is a big ball of
exactly
that?

I'm not sure
I love you
Really I do
Or perhaps
it's because I need to make sure that
you love me too
So I love you first
so perhaps
if I stay close
I can show you
how to love
how to love
me

I'm not sure
I'm not sure I can stay
It hurts too much
I beg for it to stop
But I'm not sure it has ear to listen to
my screams

I'm not sure
Can you make me feel sure?
I need
you
but I'm not sure
I'm not sure

She sighed, as if somehow it can be interpreted by others as answers to their bottomless questions. She can't stop herself from the wonder of one's thoughts. How much of them travel to wrong directions.

Are you okey?
Are you sure?
Where have you been?

She's been trying to sum up some things in her mind. It takes some time to clear up a space in her head to do so, but she gotta do it at one point. She knows one thing in certain, aside from the fact she is not okey, she can't always answer them that way. At one point, they will hear her lies better.

How can that happen?
Why didn't you say anything?
Have you go to someone yet?

With the palm of her hand she reaches into the center of her chest as she thinks of how much fatigue she poured over her lungs. They went up and down, filling themselves with air that are obviously even dirtier than her blood stained sleeves.

How can you do such a thing?
Do you ever try to stop?
What is it with you?

Their faces are full of emotion which she can't face the same. She looked into their eyes and have no clue how can someone who knows so little, see so much. Why can't she do the same for herself, she can't stop wondering.

You're okey.
You're beautiful.
I love you.

She should have seen the lies between on letters to another. For if anyone knows what lies looked like, she will be the best. Keeping so many words in her heart buried like puddles of fall leaves. She should be the one who know better.

But. What the hell?

She loves him anyway.

I was there turning red like apples. I forgot how hard I hold your hands but I remember how much I didn't want to let go. It is perhaps for I have spent too much of my time reaching out from six feet under reality that buried my deepest desires. No matter how much I try to flatten up the curve across my cheek, it won't follow me. Maybe it got bored of being flat, like I got bored of breathing the life I wondered too much about.

And so I continue writing this passage in my head and repeat this to myself as if I'm in a movie. Where I'm that pathetic dying chick who found her long lost spirit. I touched your arm lightly. I swear even the earth will never be as happy as me when the sun turn her way. As I was drowning in the sadness I seed, I realized I never see into someone's eyes this deep and not feeling the urge to swim to the surface.

While your fingers scanned my waist, I grow a heart. Because my waist needs to tell your arms how much it longs for something to hold them together. As so it can love the warmth of your akin against mine.

After standing tall for all these times, I jump into the water.  I know nothing but to drown into you.

And please, don't rescue me.

I want to be lost inside the moment where I'm the mermaid. And you are the sea.