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 Mar 2018 Sydney Bittner
unspoken words,
years of silence

it is time
to spread my wings

to embrace;

i am transgender
I want to go away forever
just for a second without leaving
A small percentage of infinity is permanent
I want to inhale deeply without breathing
I would love to have never existed
To understand loves linguistics
I’m bias towards the living
Sense is the lords present
Gods gift is death
Life is *** dressed in lingerie
A ***** you came home to after a long day
A seductive entree
What comes with that meal
Poison inside it
the root of evil
A wave of emotion
 Mar 2018 Sydney Bittner
The only love I want to feel anymore
is the love of the Sea, of the trees, of mountains and rainbows and beautiful buildings, flowers and strangers and poetry, animals and books and art and everything alive,
everything I can only catch glimpses of, everything I need, which I don't have.

I need the love of the Earth, not it's people.
I'll start writing more seriously after my exams in May, but here's something for now
how can i taste you,
when the lingering lust clouds my vision,
blinding my ignorant emotions,
poisoning my tempered touch?
how can i have you,
when we are divided by the invisible line of national border,
swimming in helpless sentiment?
i dream of you
of memories yet to exist,
of kisses yet to transpire.
i hope you dream of me,
of my dissipated thoughts,
of my paralyzing vanity,
of my flourishing greed.

mar 7 16
feat. my inner demons and my darkest shades of lust
i’m sitting in class, listening to the conventions of everyday noises, straining my neck to get in touch with the balance within that vanishes so easily. the snow is melting in my hair; the subtle coldness calms me, making it easier for the fantasia to settle. the thought of him continues to rush through me, and the euphoria tastes wonderful. he rests comfortably upon the greyness of my tired soul, so close and yet so far, but i guess that’s the allure of everlasting lust.

mar 1 16
 Nov 2017 Sydney Bittner
I know I'm only who I think you are
I think you're gasses burning in a star
I think your pain has never fully scarred
I think you're sweet

And if you're only who you think I am
I'll be the gold dust in a sea of sand
I'll raise my voice so you can take a stand
I'll be complete
You’re telling a story of a recent holiday
It reminds me of a funny joke I know about a panda with a penchant for French bread
I launch into it, enjoying your company, engaged in the action
But midway through speaking I stop
The scorpion that just appeared on the table is huge
Poison-filled tail arched over its back
It opens its mouth, revealing three rows of teeth
And prepares itself to strike your hand
I want to yell out but I’m frozen in dread
You seem more concerned about me than yourself
No, not concerned – confused
Can’t you see it, the creature right there on the
On the–
It’s gone, like the others have before
Back to the secret place in my brain
I know they’re not real
Or, I know they’re not real until I see them again
I try to return to the joke I had started but now you’re distracted
You make your excuses – not bad ones, I’ve had worse – and leave
Leave me to the voice of The Reminder
Who tells me once more that they’re coming to get me
They’ve not caught me yet but it won’t take them long
Once again my thoughts walk love's graveyard,
(Why is there no lock on that gate?)
Never have I seen a field so charred
By ashes of love that turned to hate

These remains of love provoke and rile
Stifled sobs as I look around
In silence, not wanting to defile
Sacred memories of this hallowed ground

Pain and pity are shaking my frame
As the tears gather in my throat;
False hope, and then prayer (one and the same)
Rise from my lips to some realm remote

Once again the heart is left weary,
Weak grows the pulse coursing my veins,
Gazing through eyes clouded and teary,
One last time I search through love's remains

But I can find nothing worth saving
Of a love that died long ago;
So why this unrelenting craving,
Why does this stream of memories flow?

It's over, I must put it to rest!
The bloom's faded, the fragrance lost;
Love's phantom now an unwelcome guest -
Worthless as a crucifix uncrossed
I pulled her down like I was an anchor

She sank to the bottom of the ocean

Her body slumbered without the awareness of any motions

The water slowly surrounded her entire body until it reached to her collar bone

gently the water wrapped itself around her neck like an intruder

forcefully it clutched for her last breath

she did not fear for death

nor did she cared

Sun Flower
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