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anna Sep 2021
It’s ten pm. Night. The fan whirs at full speed.
I’m 17 , going on eighteen
I live in a space. I feel heavy. I hate everything about everything, with passion.
I hate myself. I hate how cruel I can be,
I hate how cruel I have been
Pushing them away was easy. What came after? Eats me like dust. Slowly.
I remember too much. I remember too easily. The pain knocks me out. With a force.
  I do want them back. But I don’t want to hurt them anymore. Or anyone else. They mean so much, it’s too much. I cant, I don’t want to feel this.

Tears riochet. One with soft hands and bad jokes, permanent sardonic grin. Lopsided
She was grace, strength, everything I wasn’t. Her scent evades my senses , a memory away. The other with open heart and honest laughter.
Their toughness, together invincible.





Sincerely, I meant no harm
I did not mean to wreck havoc, I love them, God knows I do— it’s a world of pain and I’m washed ashore when I’d rather happily drown in the waves.
Hmmmm.
Nov 2020 · 294
Random notes
anna Nov 2020
Somedays when it hurts a little sharper
You Cry a little harder
Breathe a little rougher
Live a little lesser


When you tell me god is dead
I nod
I don’t ask, maybe I knew
Maybe I don’t want to know.


Speak less, listen more
Okay fine
But don’t expect my silence when they fall
Apart,
Anarchy is the friend of silence
Or maybe it is the other way around
Contents of my notes app :”)
Oct 2020 · 202
Her(part one)
anna Oct 2020
I see the woman in glass with a
***** pink bag and wrinkled
Blouse and she looks up
Through hooded eyes and gives me
A pained smile through bruised lips
And tired eyes and I
Wish to take her away, pull her up from that
Nightmare she walks in
She sinks in its weight
Her cracked make up reeks of it
The hunch of her shoulders,
Eloquent with pain.
The glass cracks a little
And I look away and
I close my eyes
I am she
She is me.
Sep 2020 · 287
Her (part 2)
anna Sep 2020
I hear your voice
Breaking with the deep breathes you take,
The ones you claim you don’t
Need.
Then a silence
I thought you were gone
A sob cuts through
Our hearts —
So what if I can’t see you
I can see your tears
Across miles
Leave, I whisper
Silence storms
Leave, I beg.
Her cry infects my bones.
I CAN’T
A scream resounds
And you crumple like paper
Your sorrow, my anger
I see red
Where is that girl
With a laugh like the lights
That brings a songbird alive
Your pain, intangible yet near
It eats you like dust
I can only stand and watch
Jul 2020 · 241
Normal
anna Jul 2020
It's a state I'm sure
Is unattainable
It's just a setting on a dryer afterall.
Random and a little plagiarised.
anna Jun 2020
Early hours with smoke and rising skies
Sleep that drug we denied
We knew
Even then , this was -
Ephermal as ephermal could be.



Unacknowledged,
In deafening silence, our
Entwined fingers knew
Through beating hearts and a myriad little hurts ;


We weren't a forever
Barely a today,
You and I -
- Broken, breaking,
fallen, falling -
Albeit a plot hole
In each other's stories.
We knew , we knew , we knew
We knew we would break
You or me
Still we stayed
The charade had to be played




(After all)
Jun 2020 · 342
Of loops and light
anna Jun 2020
We are a  circle
With neither a beginning,
Nor an end ;

Just me and You and
All our demons inbetween -

Hellfire may blaze
The meteor falls sidelined -
Uriel may stand poised , and
Deadly pestilences of the biblical kind
Ice and fire may reign
Yet - we will stay trapped
In that constricting ring
We birthed , our sad loyal child -


A circus devoid of comedy
Ladies, gentlemen -
This drama, our tragedy -


See the tiny scars etched hard,
The bruises, the marks,
The papery voices we use
To protest empty words;
Endless chasms borne into
Our chests ; These hearts —
They are empty.
Our arms, comfort seeking ;
The heads, our selves —
Caught in an infinite loop
Pulsing with an  old light
Like the one from a long dead star.
Stars die all the time, but their old light still remains , traversing all that distance and finally reach us humans in our little blue planet.
May 2020 · 149
• HAPPIER •
anna May 2020
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Everyone is much
Happier than you
Because you don't
Know how to move on
Despite the fact
That she's long gone.
I can't decide on a title.
May 2020 · 338
You
anna May 2020
You
You -
The ink that always stains,
The poison in my veins,

It's all you.
Micropoetry isn't really my thing, but I have given it a try anyways.
May 2020 · 593
Drops and dust
anna May 2020
There lies the abandoned park bench
We sat there a year ago

Now stained with infinite dust, rain
Pouring torrents of strange anger and

Pulsing sorrow- a heaving chest
Rising and falling , tide like crest

Certain gravity to the fall, to the fallen
(pun unintended)
Unceasing in releasing;

Dusk, dawn
Fall , rise
Black, white

Just universal polarity like
The one between you and me.

A hand to hold, a smile to crave,
A heart to feel, a love to cherish;

All now lies washed down
Dust in the rain
Solitary drops now remain.
An old feeling crept up on me.
May 2020 · 102
Remains
anna May 2020
You are but
A phantom,
A ghost,
A faint footprint




Of course-
Been death and dust,
For aeons and ages,
Within vanquished pages,
And crumbling stone
You are all that is left
When my lives adjourn.
Gets hard to breathe sometimes....
May 2020 · 175
Relapse
anna May 2020
Today I cut again
Metal against skin
Blade against blood
Scattered scarlet slits.

Today I cut again
And again and again
And again, and yet again
Scars lining up again.

Straight, perfect incisions
My skin - in delirium
A beta endorphin high
Maybe a silent, silent cry.

Today I cut again
My razor, it kissed me
Quite insane;
Again, I cut again
Everything apparently happens for a reason, right?
Apr 2020 · 155
PR
anna Apr 2020
PR
Here’s your PR —
You’ve attained
Permanent residence
In my head
After five years
Of constant stay.
Five entire years.
anna Apr 2020
She slipped in with
A backstage pass
She was graceful
On my stage
In the end she
Brought the house down
One blue moon
She drew away.
I've been writing a lot about heartache of lately. I know it's a little too much but please do bear with me.
Apr 2020 · 222
Another spiral
anna Apr 2020
Broken, hollowed out
I lie in a spiral of
My mind. Dead to all.
Is this a haiku?
anna Apr 2020
She pinned me down with her gaze,
I still long for her comforting embrace;
She left me last autumn moon
An age, an era, an epoch too soon.
She left , just like everyone else.




I wrote this for someone else, but what the hell.
Apr 2020 · 131
4/20
anna Apr 2020
A new high
Only I got no ****
Cos I’m quarantined
I wish I did :(
anna Apr 2020
Your now
is not your forever
but
forever
is composed of nows;
Stuck in yet another loop.
Mar 2020 · 169
Release.
anna Mar 2020
My release doesn’t lie
In the blood that stains
Your carpet,
Or the tears that soak into
Your pillow,
Or the screams that pierce
The still night calm,
Not even in the **** that
Snakes into my senses,


Wishing to melt into
Whatever I was before
Star light emanating from
Afar;


Old light pulsing from the new skies










(I want to see myself in that light
A time before I gave in to the night)
Emptiness drains , but I think it’s because I have a lot of time on my hands to think rn.
Mar 2020 · 119
Poetry day
anna Mar 2020
Happy poetry day.
21.03.2020
Mar 2020 · 196
Anxiety screams
anna Mar 2020
Dying out in dreams
Living another nightmare
Anxiety screams
These unlettered fears
A cosmic scare.
Will you ever shut down? Had to ask.
Mar 2020 · 95
Queer cheer
anna Mar 2020
We are here ,
We are queer
We’ll  kick that
Homophobic rear.
🏳️‍🌈
An improvisation on the pride slogan.
Mar 2020 · 65
Cherophobic
anna Mar 2020
This happiness
Feels like
The calm before the storm.
On my knees
I beg the empty skies -
Let this not translate
Into reality.
cherophobia : the irrational aversion to being happy
Mar 2020 · 152
See my smiles
anna Mar 2020
See my smiles
Believe my lies
Check my arms
Not my thighs.
Trying not to fall;
anna Mar 2020
𝘍𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 -
𝘉𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘴𝘱𝘶𝘳𝘵𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘩
𝘊𝘳𝘪𝘮𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘨𝘳𝘦𝘺
𝘋𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘥.
𝘍𝘢𝘤𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘰𝘯 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘯𝘦
𝘕𝘰𝘵 𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘧𝘶𝘭, 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘐𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘶𝘴,
𝘖𝘳 𝘥𝘢𝘮𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘓𝘶𝘤𝘪𝘧𝘦𝘳’𝘴.
𝘑𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘢 𝘧𝘭𝘢𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨
𝘍𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩
𝘚𝘱𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘥𝘢𝘳𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴
𝘍𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮
𝘙𝘦𝘥𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 -
𝘐𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴, 𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘶𝘵
𝘈 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘤𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰
𝘈𝘮𝘰𝘥𝘦𝘶𝘴 ‘𝘴 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘮.
Falling is romanticised quite a lot, eh?
anna Mar 2020
Move my world
Make me and
Unmake me
Light up the grey of
My long abandoned
Heart


Show me
I’m still
Human
I’m still alive;
Changes but not quite so changed. But then again, who said it had to make sense?
anna Mar 2020
These scars don’t make me any
Different;
Beneath ravaged skin
We are the same -
Human flesh, blood and bones,
Lipid structures and genome codes.

These scars stretched smiling up
At me
Scrawled across in angered haste
Once unblemished, now unchaste
Skin.

Life happened
To me and you and
Changed you .
I’m the stone of Gibraltar -
Albeit weathered down, eroded,
Storm struck and corroded.

Poisoned veins and twisted thoughts I embrace
While you walk away and make your escape.
Conversations with people who think they care about you are actually sad.
Feb 2020 · 88
Us three strangers
anna Feb 2020
She and I reside together.
No less but a stranger,
Clinging to the phantom
Of her eldest daughter.

He’s away, excuses many
“Making a life for you.”
My life falls apart and
Where are you?

Charybdis swallowed them
Long ago.
No longer do I know
Where, who, what they are.

Fungi spread images
Tell tales of different lives,
Upturned curves and fancy lights
All that are faded lies.

Gone;
Not with the wind but
The last Haley’s comet.
Light years away.

Us three strangers.
With carved stone smiles
Breaking out sometimes
Beginning our unceasing mimes.
We aren’t broken, but we could be.
Feb 2020 · 83
Untitled
anna Feb 2020
Dragged at sword point to the gangplank
“Follow the rest or die"
365 days, all around-
“Balance”- can’t it’s a paradox, see
The world was never black and white to me
Shades of grey like smoke tendrils
Round my throat. These asthmatic perils
Won’t ****. Suspended in amber
Like flies. Still hope for a saviour.
None exists. I’m alone and must
Walk the gangplank to the edge
Looking down into the depths
Of a place unfathomable, a million steps
And a million falls. Water swirls like
The loops I was trapped in. Consuming,
Turbulent, ever wide, it calls
Into her arms the ocean took me
It’s expectations vs reality.
Thought pain , infinite torment would come my way
Penance for my earthly sins.
All there was

I exist and I don’t.
I remain and I don’t.
I’m alive and I’m not.
Feb 2020 · 81
...
anna Feb 2020
...
Carnations are red
Violets are blue
I’m a rainbow kid
Hope you are one too.

— The End —