It’s ten pm. Night. The fan whirs at full speed.
I’m 17 , going on eighteen
I live in a space. I feel heavy. I hate everything about everything, with passion.
I hate myself. I hate how cruel I can be,
I hate how cruel I have been
Pushing them away was easy. What came after? Eats me like dust. Slowly.
I remember too much. I remember too easily. The pain knocks me out. With a force.
  I do want them back. But I don’t want to hurt them anymore. Or anyone else. They mean so much, it’s too much. I cant, I don’t want to feel this.

Tears riochet. One with soft hands and bad jokes, permanent sardonic grin. Lopsided
She was grace, strength, everything I wasn’t. Her scent evades my senses , a memory away. The other with open heart and honest laughter.
Their toughness, together invincible.





Sincerely, I meant no harm
I did not mean to wreck havoc, I love them, God knows I do— it’s a world of pain and I’m washed ashore when I’d rather happily drown in the waves.

I see the woman in glass with a
***** pink bag and wrinkled
Blouse and she looks up
Through hooded eyes and gives me
A pained smile through bruised lips
And tired eyes and I
Wish to take her away, pull her up from that
Nightmare she walks in
She sinks in its weight
Her cracked make up reeks of it
The hunch of her shoulders,
Eloquent with pain.
The glass cracks a little
And I look away and
I close my eyes
I am she
She is me.

I hear your voice
Breaking with the deep breathes you take,
The ones you claim you don’t
Need.
Then a silence
I thought you were gone
A sob cuts through
Our hearts —
So what if I can’t see you
I can see your tears
Across miles
Leave, I whisper
Silence storms
Leave, I beg.
Her cry infects my bones.
I CAN’T
A scream resounds
And you crumple like paper
Your sorrow, my anger
I see red
Where is that girl
With a laugh like the lights
That brings a songbird alive
Your pain, intangible yet near
It eats you like dust

It's a state I'm sure
Is unattainable
It's just a setting on a dryer afterall.

We are a  circle
With neither a beginning,
Nor an end ;

Just me and You and
All our demons inbetween -

Hellfire may blaze
The meteor falls sidelined -
Uriel may stand poised , and
Deadly pestilences of the biblical kind
Ice and fire may reign
Yet - we will stay trapped
In that constricting ring
We birthed , our sad loyal child -


A circus devoid of comedy
Ladies, gentlemen -
This drama, our tragedy -


See the tiny scars etched hard,
The bruises, the marks,
The papery voices we use
To protest empty words;
Endless chasms borne into
Our chests ; These hearts —
They are empty.
Our arms, comfort seeking ;
The heads, our selves —
Caught in an infinite loop
Pulsing with an  old light
Like the one from a long dead star.