you promised me forever
apparently forever to you is
3 years
4 months
7 days
15 hours
6 minutes

next time someone tries to talk to me about forever
i'll ask
"how long is forever to you?"

often written
is a condition
they call it
the “hanahaki” disease

the details are
that you shall fall in love
it shall be unrequited
and you shall cough up flowers
until you die

i had always wondered
why i never caught
the coughing flower disease

not that i
wanted to die, of course
it’s just

i thought my feelings for you
were stronger than any wind
wider than any land
deeper than any ocean
and my dear
it was a fact
that you did not love me back
not the way i thought
i wanted you to

time passed
and i came to realise
the reason my love for you
did not **** me
was not because it wasn’t strong enough

the reason i had not died
death my the flowers growing in my lungs
is because my love for you was not “real”
because you were not “real”
not really

you were an idol
on the other side of the screen
and no matter how much i supported you
adored you
loved you

we would never be anything more
than an idol
smiling for a living
and a fan
whose smile you saved

and deep in my heart
perhaps, that, i already knew

if i were to cough up flowers
stained with one-sided love
it would be a rose
made of plastic
not “real”
not really
but it would last forever

just like the love
between you
and me

you loved "me"
but you did not really love "me"
you loved the idea of "me"
but the vision of "me" you had
was the same one
of a million other girls
even guys
in the crowd

— i was a diamond to you, but diamonds didn’t mean much when you were in a mine full of them.

but angel
i do not regret
a moment of it

so here’s to 300 days
7200 hours
and an uncountable amount of irreplaceable moments
may i adore you
for many many more

— and may you keep standing on the highest of stages
for that is where you shine the brightest

if someone were ever to
dim the light
to your bright smile
then come to me

for i will light a match
more than one
a thousand
a million
perhaps a trillion
to light the flame in your heart

i would even catch on fire
the mask covering my body burnt
my icicle infused heart melted
raging emotion set ablaze

it would not matter
because nothing matters more to me
than your happiness
for it was you
who rekindled the burning passion in me

we humans have such a need to be loved
afraid of being
alone
abandoned
left for granted

and i am no different
i want to feel the rush
butterflies in my stomach
wing against my hair
hands against his heart
heart intertwined with my soul

you may ask why
am i so enamoured with this
idea of love

perhaps it is so i do not feel lonely
for i have been (lonely) for a while now
even when i am surrounded by people
there is no one
not really
not anyone who connects with my soul

or perhaps  i just want to feel more put together
after all
everyone thinks you’re so much happier when you have a significant other

or perhaps i just want someone to hold hands with
someone to kiss
embrace
****

oh
ah
oh
i’m not fooling anyone, am i?
the reason i am so enamoured with the idea of love
is because i am obsessed with the notion that someone else can fix me up
heal the void in my heart
clear the window to my soul

‪he is the devil‬
‪dressed in an angel’s robes‬
‪sent down to lure the humans‬
‪away from the sacred path to heaven‬
‪and into the depths of hell‬
‪i know i shouldn’t stray‬
‪for God would forsake me‬
‪but for a moment‬
‪just for a second‬
‪i thought‬
‪i would let him drag me down into the fire‬
‪if it meant he would be with me‬