I've tried to tell you at least 1000 times
But the words were too scared to come out
Or the right words didn't exist
In the language I've spoken my whole life
And were I to try another language
They might make more sense
You need to know - it's vital
Both emotionally & physically
And you probably already do
But your mind struggles to process
The immensity of what should have been done
 so long ago
But now seems too late to reverse..

So there I've said it.. Do you understand?
Oh, there I go again. I've said so much &
Tried so hard, but the words won't come out
I'll try again soon, hopefully
Before it's too late....

The thing is, all her heart knew how to do was love.
It thrived on it, fed on it, was addicted to it.
It explored all of its elusive definitions
Basked in the all-consuming existence of it in her surroundings
She'd see it in the way lovers looked at each other when it was true - she could spot that look anywhere.
She'd hear it in the laughter between best friends, "soulmates"
When a gift was given unexpectedly, or a flower picked
She felt love in the trees and flowers she observed,
In the way birds and other animals interacted with each other.
She knew exactly what love is, and what it was not -
She learned that the hard way, unfortunately.
But, she couldn't catch it, she was never, at the right place or at the right time.
So, she locked up her heart, stored it in a safe place where it could no longer be broken.

My eyes feel like they're burning through my brain & melting.
I feel fine as long as I don't breathe.
Every nerve, muscle, joint, cell & bone in my body feels sick.
They say the best thing for you when you're sick is to sleep.....
I can't sleep because I'm too sick.
My lungs are enemies: Every time I think I am regaining control, they attack!!!
My nostrils have been invaded by debris. I try to blow it out but nothing budges, yet if I don't try - it's a waterfall!!
Three people have asked me why I'm crying - I'm not crying - I'm dying, slowly.
I'm such a baby when I'm *ill

I know we've been through it all before.
I know you said we were just friends - nothing more.
But do you know just how difficult it is
To see your face, hear you voice and still feel like this?
A million times I've fought the feelings in my heart
I've wrestled my mind to do it's part, be smart:
That there's nothing more I can say or do.
You've made you choice, I can't have you.
But somehow it's as though there is a secret potion
Something brewing beneath the surface that might change your emotion.
If I put it down in writing, share all the lyrics to all the songs, that make me think of you, or how I feel
Maybe then you'd see the light( so to speak) and realize this is love for real.

But then I fear that even just one spoken emotion would your friendship deter... But in my mind, in my heart..

There are not enough words

The story of my life.
HE tells me I'm so smart, beautiful. Will make "some man very happy someday."
"Why not you?", I would think to myself.
We would have the most intense, heart-revealing conversations about life & friendship & loyalty & happiness... but it was just to prepare HIM for someone else (who didn't quite fit "our" description, but mostly...)
Years would pass, even a decade...a phone call, text, email from HIM to let me know the relationship has failed & 'how have I been doing?'
"I'm fine", I'd reply. "Nothing's really changed for me. Still single. Still hate my job. Still living at home." (Mentally grasping at straws for something more interesting or exciting to share, but coming up with nothing)
The conversation theoretically should have been short (because I'm boring) but "we" would talk for hours, about everything. Reminiscing about the past, what could've been.. revealing HIS secret thoughts or feelings that HE once had, "but was too afraid to tell me."
I'd be inwardly proud, validated by the confession & then later, when the conversation was long over: angry, depressed, disappointed, self-loathing. "Why did HE always do this to me? What was wrong with me, that he didn't choose me instead? What good does this information do me now? It's too late."
I'd lie to myself that I'm glad HE didn't pick me, because I wouldn't want to be the one going through the heartache of failure. I'd tell myself I'm happier being single. Cry myself to sleep & then mentally block out that the conversation ever happened with HIM to avoid the pain.

HE should've loved me first, but HE didn't.

I have worn my heart on my sleeve. I have fallen hard & fast & head first. There was a time when I'd fall in love too easily - my heart was designed to nurture & care & love 100% .. Maybe it's a defect or maybe it's closer to perfection - the way God made me; but I do not have the capacity to love half-way.  I give it my everything: soul, breath & life! Unfortunately those I've loved have not been there: to cushion my fall; to put the brakes on my fall and help me stop with them; to put their arms out and catch me before I nose-dive. I have crashed & shattered & had my heart crushed.
That's why my heart is so guarded & protected - I keep it in the deepest archives - the catacombs - the vaults... The access codes are encrypted. The locks are super-enforced. So, some see me as cold & asocial, but it's just me being scared. But some who have that special vision that insight see through it. They know what the vaults contain & they are the victims of my fear. They are the ones that fight to gain access. Only the strongest ones do.......

How strong are you??

I care about you so much & want you to have the happiness & peace you of all people deserve. I've done everything I can & more to help you try to achieve that. My heart is full of love for you. And it shatters into millions of pieces when I think about not being able to be that one for you forever. "The heart is treacherous & desperate" according to the bible, and it's true since I keep trying to convince myself that if I hold on tight enough for a little longer this could be something real with us. But we both know it can't, and we both know why.
On one hand, I feel like it's so unfair & selfish of me to just up & turn my back & abandon this whole thing - whatever this "thing" is. On the other hand, it's like why should I feel so guilty, you deserve more than what I can give you at this distance, you deserve love in person for real. And so do I! And meanwhile, I don't want to search for love anywhere else because when I love someone they are my focus, my one & only. Heart & soul.  I feel like my years are slipping away from me, & I'm losing precious time that could be used finding something solid & tangible & mutually giving. It hurts letting go of something so valuable to you, but sometimes you find that letting it go makes room for something so much more worthwhile & desired.
I'm sorry I'm so long-winded with my good-byes. Maybe I'd be better off with short & sweet, but you're more than that to me.
So I'm really doing it this time, whether or not you understand or agree. Of course, it's hard for me, because I know this hurts you, ... I hope you know it hurts me too. But the saying goes "time heals all wounds".... Maybe not all of them, but some wounds remind us of what it means to feel.
I love you - always will...
Please take care, stay strong, and never give up on yourself. Others are waiting to see your big moment. I'll feel it when it comes, I know I will.. remember? ...we're connected electrically.