some days it is an endless game of tug-o-war
I am standing on one end of the rope
And my heart is standing at the other,
one of us always ends up losing.
Mama said my heart was too open,
no one had to knock or break down the door,
They just came and left as they pleased,
I would let them.
I wonder if on the days you walked in,
you noticed me standing in front of the mirror,
Gripping at my skin, a game of tug-o-war,
All white knuckles and harsh bruises,
Couldn't help but wonder which part you didn't like.
I wonder if on the days you left,
you noticed me crying, Giant, ugly, but quiet sobs because you were leaving again.
I tried to be a home, but the worst part is,
If you were passing by me and an abandoned home next to me on the street,
You wouldn't be able to tell the difference between the two.
We were both broken, I am still broken,
Lost.
So I beg that I keep my hands to myself and not yearn for the touch of those who kiss their finger tips with poison,
The next time you leave,
Please keep the lights on.

I want to feel your lips pressed up against mine when the only thing on our tongues is alcohol and the only thing we are wearing is skin. To be against you and see you in another light. You may not believe in a certain religion but I could of sworn you were a Christian last night as the word God rolled off your tongue over and over again because you couldn't remember the syllables of my name.

(Bld)

Everytime you would knock on my door in tears I would wipe my own and open the door. You were too wrapped up in making sure that I could make you feel better, that you didn't think about anything else. you would break open my mind and search for advice to soothe the pain, you couldn't wait to stitch yourself back together. Everyone I knew kept taking and taking bits and pieces of me to fix themselves. I didn't say anything because I was so happy to see the people I love happy. But then I felt the hallowness in my chest and began to worry. A couple years later, you knocked on my door. I couldn't get up to answer it, I felt so weak. You stormed in and were ready to take the advice you needed but stopped. My heart was empty and my brain numb. The people I loved, picked and pulled on everything I had to offer until I was nothing. They didn't mind hurting me if it meant helping themselves. All I ever wanted was for someone to come along and give me a piece of them and help me from breaking.

Maybe life is about finding yourself, but maybe again it isn't. Maybe life is all about meeting people, a bunch of people. Sometimes the people you meet are going to hurt you, but that's okay. You'll learn from the experience, from them. You'll also fall in love with a lot of people in your life, maybe not always in a romantic way, but you will love them none the less. The more you're around people, the more you gather bits and pieces of who they are, a fraction of their soul. By the time you're old and God is urging you to join him, you will not have spent a lifetime alone trying to find yourself but rather a lifetime of surrounding yourself with people, and at the end of it all, you're a collection of everyone you've ever loved, and I think that's what life is about.

Somedays I think that seeds are planted in my bones and are growing beautiful flowers to fill the cracks. I feel like my dazzling smile makes the boys trip and scrape their knees. I wave hello to the people who deserve it least and hope that one day their hearts swell with passion and love.

But other days, I'm drowning in a deep, dark abyss. I'm not sure which way is up or which way is down because my head is swimming with water and heavy thoughts. I can't find it in me to crack a smile at even the kindest people. My bones are brittle and dry because all the tears have already been spilled. It's hard to get up and get going on those days.

I've learned to accept that it's hard to prepare for the future when you have no idea what's coming. Therefore, no matter what day I'm having, a tiny part of my heart will still beat loudly and love will thud in my chest because I picture those hazel eyes and the sound of your laugh rings like a melody in my ears. Throughout my best days and even my worst, you make me feel like I belong somewhere in this crazy, beautiful world.

It's easy to fall in love with someone. To take your white knuckles off of the rails of stability and let yourself land into someone's arms. You'll fall in love over and over again in one lifetime. But you, you were so different. It wasn't like anything I've felt before. You reminded me of the pale moon because you would shed light during my darkest times and you were always picking me up and dusting me off. In many ways you were my own temporary heaven. But I'm afraid I wasn't your heaven, maybe, maybe I was your hell. My demons scratched on my heart and told me to run away. To break your heart and never look back. And that's exactly what I did.

365 days have past and I'm still afraid to look back.  

-BLD

When the stars shone through the bedroom curtains and constellations reflected on our bare skin, you would skim your fingers up and down my side, leaving an electrifying shock. You had a way with leaving my whole body in an euphoric state. My toes would curl and my heart would tingle at the thought of you beside me. You dressed me up in lace and stockings only to take me down in skin and more skin. We had this passionate love that you only find once in a lifetime. Your eyes can always grow with lust but only your heart knows what real love feels like. And darling, my heart never failed to skip a beat for you.