now i know why you drank so much during your lifetime.
i know why you were so angry when you were drunk,
the truth always comes out when a person isn’t sober.
i know why i had to grow up being terrified,
why i had to hide when the alcohol was coursing through your veins,  
and why i lost so much sleep wondering if you’d even come home from bar.
you’re such an amazing person,
and sometimes i wish you never met her so you could have lived your life to your full potential.
i know you love me to death,
that i am your daughter and you regret how scared you made me,
but i wish you never met her.
i wish you didn’t marry her and have children with her.
i wish i wasn’t born,
because if i wasn’t,
you’d be where you want in life.
not laying in bed at 5am being screamed at and scared to lose everything you’ve earned in life.
i know why you drank,
because why wouldn’t you when dealing with someone else’s addiction?

please do not touch me like you touched her.
i am not her, but i think you knew that already.
you just refuse to admit it,
instead tracing your fingers down my back as if the curves of my body were the same as hers.
your hand will not fit in mine like how hers fit yours.
please do not touch me like you touched her.
i am someone else.
you can’t pretend to hide your longing for her by trying to find relief in me.

i just want you to feel the same way that poetry makes me feel.
whole, alive, confident.
poetry makes me scream the truth,
and i want you to want to be honest,
scream truthful words from the tops of the highest buildings.
i just want you to feel the same way that poetry makes me feel.
wanted.

you’re still looking for me in the faces of all the new girls you kiss

i wanna fall in love again
look at the stars and hold someone’s hand again
i wanna be loved again
feel like someone’s world’s again
i wanna be wanted again
be less of a burden and more of a relief again

i promised myself i would never again become addicted to another’s touch,
but here i am lonely bed passed midnight,
only wanting you to trace your fingers up my thigh again.
only needing you to touch me again.

“please tell me how the **** i’m supposed to deal with losing you.”

you should have told me you were seeing someone again.
(did i really need to?)
you promised me. i ******* trusted you.
(your first mistake.)
******* for making me ******* think/
******* for taking my trust and ******* on it.
i hope he’s better than me.
(he wasn’t.)
i hope you’re ******* happy and you don’t miss me.
(i am but that doesn’t mean i don’t miss you.)
you never ******* cared.
i won’t ever forgive you for this.
(did you forgive me?)
you never cared like i did.
that’s over now.
(i cared more than you know.)
next time have the ***** to say it instead of making someone think there’s something when there isn’t.
(i told you i was toxic.)
don’t just push them away until they realize by themselves.
i thought you were different.
(i wasn’t different! why was i different?)
i heard your voice, you didn’t care.
(being numb is a strange feeling.)
tell me to go away, say we are done.
(we were after you did this.)
you were never my friend. you wouldn’t be like this if you were.
(i’m toxic.)
you aren’t the same. you used to care and be so sweet.
(a person can’t change in a month.)
i deserve better than this.
(you deserve way better than me.)
i wanted to give you everything.
i wanted to ******* take care of you and help you. i wanted to give you all of my time and energy and love and i would have done anything for you.
(i don’t know if that’s true. no one can give another all that.)
you need to ******* get yourself okay because you’re just gonna keep hurting people.
does he know that you’re gonna hurt him?
(he hurt me.)
you’re my death cup now.

/texts received after i said i needed space.