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Mariah 3d
We don’t match on paper
and that’s all you see
because you don’t know 
how trauma moves.
Paper is only two dimensional.
It has no depth,
and that’s where we’ve been -
to a place you’ve never dared to look.

We have traveled through the underworld,
stared pain in the face,
and learned how to bear it.
We’ve flirted with madness,
laughed in the face of death,
and writhed alone in the darkness.

You see us together
at a coffee shop
on a Sunday morning
and you stare
with a confused look.

You can’t see past his
crooked teeth,
and muscular arms.
You don’t see his heart,
his soul,
or his mind.

You can’t see past my
straight teeth,
the sparkle in my eye,
or my laugh.  
You don’t see
the imperceptible scars,
the lessons,
or the cracks in my mind.

You assume that what you see
is all there is.
We have more in common
than you could ever guess,
because of what we’ve seen
and what we’ve survived.
Copyright © 2019 Mariah Simpson All Rights Reserved
Mariah 4d
I’ve been searching for
what I didn’t get.
As a kid,
would talk to strangers
with no fear.
Teachers couldn’t get me
to stop talking.

No one can get
close enough.
I always want to be closer.
Is that enmeshment
or love?

In high school,
I found people like me.
At 18,
I always had people to call,
so I would never have to be
alone at night.
Maybe it wasn’t
real friendship,
but it was better than nothing.

As a kid,
being alone in the house
felt like death.
without attention,
I feel like I’m dying.
If I don’t get love
when I need it,
I must be unlovable.
What’s the point of living
without love?

Lack of love
is the slowest way to die.
Copyright © 2019 Mariah Simpson All Rights Reserved
Mariah Oct 24
I’ve been trading my love for attention
and because I’ve been treating this like a transaction
maybe it’s not really love I’m giving.
Attention is still my drug of choice
and I need it
to fill this empty pit in my soul
called Neglect.
There is never enough to fill it,
never enough to soothe my nerves,
never enough to convince me
you really love me.
Copyright © 2019 Mariah Simpson All Rights Reserved
Mariah Oct 6
No one has ever fought for me.
That wound is so deep
it scares me.
Maybe that’s why I push people away.
To find out who will come back.
Copyright © 2019 Mariah Simpson All Rights Reserved
Mariah Oct 6
My love is deep.
I’ve never found anyone who could match it.
How much would I put up with just to be held when I’m hurting?
So much.
More than you would believe.
There’s a hole in my heart that nothing can fill.
I want to be held by someone who won’t let go.
I want to be loved by someone who won’t give up.
I want someone who would fight for me like I would fight for them.  
Will I always feel this empty?
Will I always feel this broken?
Will I always want to die?
Copyright © 2019 Mariah Simpson All Rights Reserved
Mariah Sep 23
I spent the last seven years
trying to tame both our demons.
Each one of mine I chained
was a vital part of me.
The iron on their wrists
burns me.
The weights on their ankles
tether me.
You gave me a mask to match yours
and tied it on for me
so gently.

When I look at the stars,
I feel the same,
I still think the same thoughts I did
at 16,
and 21,
and 25.
That’s how I know I was never lost.
Just hiding.
I haven’t changed.
I’ve only learned how to perform better,
to perform different roles;
lover, friend, employee.
I abandoned myself for awhile,
but I’m still here.
I was always here,
behind the mask.
It’s coming off now
and the chains are falling away
now that you’re gone.
Copyright © 2019 Mariah Simpson All Rights Reserved
Mariah Sep 18
Get you a man
who wants to fall asleep next to you,
wake up with you,
workout with you,
cook and eat healthy with you.
A man who will
look into your eyes
and tell you he loves you,
who can read your face like a map,
who notices when something is wrong
just from the shadow crossing your face,
who likes your cooking,
and shows you he loves you
with the way he touches you,
and the way he looks at you.
Get you a man like mine.
Copyright © 2019 Mariah Simpson All Rights Reserved
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