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and here i am,
once again,
sitting in my sister's bed,
because that's the only thing she left behind,
because she got to escape,
playing music loudly,
so that the tears won't fall
so my mom won't hear me cry,
so she won't know how much her words hurt me,
so she won't know how much i despise her.

maybe one day,
i won't.
maybe one day,
when i am out of this house,
and away from her resentment,
we can be mother and daughter again.
maybe one day,
i whisper to myself.
i miss having somebody...
but i don't miss having you.
it feels
a little bit like a dream
the way we would gather in the night
and walk the same path
with hushed whispers
down the elevator
into the lounge
taking our unspoken places
whispering among ourselves
about the day's adventures
but then we would be seated
and someone would break the seal of silence
and we would begin to talk...
about life
about love
about lust
about our futures
our dreams
our deaths
we would predict for each other
what we saw in their crystal ball
though we knew each other
for less days than i can count on my hands
we heard stories about ***
stories about friends
about hometowns
about heartbreak
we shared as many laughs as there are stars in the sky...

and when it all ended
i wondered where the time had gone
or if i had imagined it all.
i met the best group of people that will probably never see each other again, and i just can't stop wishing for more time.
she waits until the door closes,
and pauses,
and listens,
while her hands grip the bathroom counter,
white like the first blizzard of a snowy December,
and hawklike she listens,
for the slightest creak of the floorboards,
for a stifled hum or a muffled footstep,
and when she hears no one,
her face begins to break,
like a piece of china crashing to the ground in slow motion,
and with one shuddering breath,
she allows herself to fall to pieces.
at night
when everyone is sound asleep
i have to remind myself
that i am breathing
and i am alive
i loved him because he made me feel small and fragile,
a feeling i never got quite used to.
probably will take this down later but here it is for now folks
and it's hard sometimes,
when you perform the part,
but no longer know who the actor is.
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