What I am about to say
Will save you
From a great sadness

1. Don't ever caress your broken heart in your hands
The blood will stain your finger tips scarlet
And be imprinted on the next person you hold.

2. Don't succumb
To the comforting grey side
Of Sadness
I know its warm. I know its safe.
But its only all those things
Because darling,
It will never leave.

3. Don't keep things hidden.
Who are you?
How can you even think of not being the main character of your story?

4. Don't read books about girls being left behind, and about boys dying
Or about people who are too afraid
Or too courageous
Or whose main characters are liars
Who come alive when you look into
Their eyes.

5. Don't let your heart pull away from him
Because you feel like
"You love him too much"
He won't understand why
You are holding his heart
And your own.

6. Don't start writing when you are sad.
The ink won't be able to run from your fingers when you are happy
And you will be left without the words you have
Become addicted to-

You will hold your heart in your hands
And you will pick at its stitches to feel
And your heart will bleed
And it will stain your fingertips red.

You will reach out to him,
And your will leave scarlet smears across his cheek
And his chest
And his wrist
And no matter how many times
You kiss
The stain will stay

And you will
Wrap yourself in the soft grey
And the Sadness will swear
To always stay
And you will feel loved
Because it will never leave.

And you will start to hide it-
The warm grey
The phone call
An opinion
The fight you had
The tears and words
That want to come out


And you will turn to books
Not to escape
But to learn
About other
I's and hers and hims
And their words will come out
Black and white
The next time
He whispers
'I love you' in your ear.

And then you will start to pull away
Because
god
You love him too much
And that means he is going to leave
And he will look at you and see
That you have his heart
And your heart
But it will be too late for him to
Have kept yours
And it will be too late for you to keep his.

And suddenly
It will be Saturday night
And he will still be yours
But it will feel like he's
Gone
And you will pull the thread

Of soft grey.

and it was universal
the way we fell in love with feelings
and dark eyes

capturing
freeing

it was never supposed to be easy
but sometimes
when you smile against my lips
or trace my ribs
and i feel
your laugh
against the palm of my hand

it's the easiest thing
in the world

How can one die
From sadness
When one is made from it?

Insomnia
is only a dream

Darkness
Illuminated
Time moves
So slowly

The mouse no longer
Runs up the clock
The mouse no longer leaps

Gazing across an expanse of white
(it's not the ceiling, my darling
it's the antarctic
upside down)

Breathing in time
with the wind

Why are your eyes hurting
If they are closed?

I thought that you were freedom
But the words you murmur against the palm of my hand

Darling
They're beginning to taste
Like a cage

I don’t like the taste of my tears
I don’t know where they come from
And I don’t know how they are made

"Are you tired of me?"

the train passes, and the windows rattle against their frames
the silence it leaves is deafening

she doesn't know if he heard her question or not
he turns the page of the newspaper without looking up
his hair still damp from the shower he took and the white sunlight
warms the accents of his skin

"Love?"

his phone rings beside him, and he holds up a finger

"Hello?"

he gets up, slides the patio door shut behind him

the sweater he is wearing is the same colour
of the sky the day
they had their first kiss

it is juxtaposed
against the grey clouds

she moves from the door way
puts the kettle on

nausea
her hands tremble as she rests them
on the cold counter

the counter is holding her up

she can hear his voice
she misses it
she can hear it
she still misses it

the door slides
and squeaks
he promised to fix it
a week ago

she keeps her back to him
reaches for the tea ***
the loose leaves

she hears him sit down

she stops

the newspaper rustles

she closes her eyes

the clock ticks

her heart beats

he coughs

her heart stops

the kettle whistles on the stove
she waits

he gets up
and turns off the gas

"Weren't you going to get that?"

she moves away
the  sliding door open and closes
complains once
twice

the air is icy against her skin

she looks behind her

he is sitting down
again

It's easy to be disappointed
In happiness

it's rain, it's snow

you swear that the sunlight
is as cold
as the wind

as loud
as the fiercest thunderstorm

and as still
as the mirror
held up against the blue
blue sky

but it's not
and you still lied
when you said it wasn't
always warm

Sometimes I hold my hands
Out of my bedroom window
To feel the rain
Dance across my skin

Its music
Is the wind
And it moves me
Like the most beautiful
Symphony

There was once a girl
Who loved the rain
And a boy
Who loved the sun

They met one day
In the drunken moonlight
Fireflies fell from the trees
Burning out before dawn

His hands were warm
And her's were cold

They breathed in unison
Opposites
Their eyes flickering
Against the sinking sky

"You make my heart race."
He said.
"You make my heart slow."
She whispered.

The sunlight stabbed the night
And the moon fell
Out of sight
Pulling down
A thousand clouds

"Kiss me,"
He demanded.
And she did.

my fingers move across the letters
feel the ridges
and the spaces between the slightly
rounded squares

q a s p y u e i o c f d

the keys don't make the words
i want them to
or say the things
i mean them to

g j o d f p f s f w e d k f j o g ?

i want to write
the most important sentence
to have ever slipped out
of my fingertips
but my mind keeps on
stuttering
and the clock on the wall downstairs
keeps on
ticking

p o h j l d e m y u i

i am a history book
that's almost twenty one years old
and i feel like i hold
a thousand empty pages
ready to disintegrate
with the next farewell

o p h k l o m n y r i c d

the shadows of my thoughts
fill the spaces in my mind
and make my heart jump
at the clarity
fleeting
and i wish i could write
fast enough
to catch the words i want to fold
and press to
your warm heart
but then i would be
as perfect as you think i am
and a lie

g n o b m h l o w t

i am afraid of your eyes
and the way your smile
has begun to hesitate

forgive me if i am wrong
and if i leave
before you can say goodbye

it's sad
my love
when you laugh

and it's sad
my love
when you lie

and lately
darling
you've been doing both of them
simultaneously

we used to hold out
for the one we love
(it was easy for a while, wasn't it?)

it's 6:45 and i am as uncertain
as a summer thunderstorm
(am i allowed to kiss you
if i only think that i love you?)

i don't want to be in your head
and i don't want you
to tell me
everything you feel
unless you heart
aches to
(but are you always thinking of me?)

you trace my body
with your trembling hands
made of words
your eyes
scarring me indefinitely
(i should wish to know
when we think)

you stop my thoughts from tangling
with the sound of your voice
(and hold them
shaking
in the palm of your hand)

darling,
your laugh makes my heart
split and i can't help
but miss you a second after
we say goodbye
(stay longer
than a little while)
x

do you know the rain
he asks
it's never alone
he says

almost like you

but it's not
and i am not

i am
a raindrop
shattering
between other raindrops

we become a translucent
blur
(we are not blue)

you are mistaken
i whisper
and a raindrop
slips down
along the curve of his neck

october
you have come to sweep me away
with your flowers
blue
and the sky
falling

pass quickly
over me
my love
like the wind
that keeps slipping through
his fingers

darling
i will wake you up
at three
if you ask me

and i will listen to the words
tumbling from your sleepy
lips
and fall for the way
you laugh
at your own jokes
the way i already do

i will say your name
if i hear
you drifting away
and you will affirm
your consciousness
automatically
in your sleep
until your dreams
end again

i can't remember
anymore

is there anything more
to write
darling

if i can't

it took me
three years
to let him go

and almost four
for him

and now there's you
and your eyes
and voice
and the butterflies
you brought for me

and i swear
you must have
made them fall in love with you
and then fed them
to me
while i was asleep

because they don't stop
trying to get to you

is this how feeling alone
feels?
he asks
staring at the empty
cloud laden sky

i dance
in the rain
as it falls

green
spinning
blurring

catch me
kiss me

could you watch me
for a moment
darling

i'm falling at your feet

pale pink
and lighter than a feather

a part of a blossom
you chose
to balance
on the handle of her front door

but she didn't notice
the way you smiled
or the way your eyes lit up
in the grey
at the charcoal
of her eyes

and all this time
you thought you knew
but now you wonder
if she was pretending
when she whispered in your ear
crushed to your side
"I love you"

angrily
you shake me
from behind the twisted tree

tender hands
becoming cruel

the ground rises up
indefinitely
to save me
from your separation
k.d

paper kites
abandoned by the wind
are falling
in the sea

clinging to the grey
as we fall
grasping
at broken clouds

scarlet streams
follow us
and make an atlas
of trails

for the stars
to follow

k.d

and there will
always be empty
wasted
pages
between every
poem
or sentence

dropping

like rain

and it's
more than okay
because there
is nothing worse

than

if you were
ever to leave
i hope that  would be able to
forget you

if i ever
were to leave
i hope
that you would
forgive me

I can't decide
If it is easy
To let you go

Because we're not meant to be

Or if it is because

I know that you will come back to me
x

my poems
were once

Definitions of the ones
Who didn't love me enough

But now
They are only yours

how funny
he said
finally

inhaling in
the lights
against the night
mixing
with the grey
rolled
between

his forefinger
and thumb

i told her
that i loved her

and she believed me

you are
the thunder
i am afraid of