KitaRaizal Sep 2017
My MIL said something that really upset me.
She wanted to hold my daughter for like 5 seconds. I was curled all around her and I was feeding her. She kept asking me and I said no.
You had her all day for the past 3 days, and she goes that's not my fault.
Like why the **** would you say that to me, today is my first day off since Friday. I want my daughter to my **** self. I'm working to support your *** and my daughter.
I'm so hurt, she acts like I beat the **** out of her when I say no. She's my fuking daughter i want a **** day alone with her. I don't get to see her all day anymore. I miss her so much and you have the odacity to tell me that it's not your fault?
I mean I can quiet my job and then I can keep her all day again.
I cant, she makes me so mad, I hate it when I come home and she tells me how Lilith was with her and how good and how she's the only one she wanted and she refused to do anything with her husband, or lay with him or let him feed her and the moment she takes her from him. Lilith is all calm and better and curls up with her and falls asleep.
Lilith doesn't even do that for me, like... what the **** am I doing wrong, I love that girl so much and I try so hard. And she just, she's too over powering and won't let me have a moment with my baby. She always has to be up my ***, talking to Lilith or making sounds at her and asking her if she's Mimis girl, or her Princess, or her girl in general. I cant. I just cant. Lilith just gets so happy to see her aND I'm like... what the **** happen... I feel like I'm not even her mother anymore, I'm like someone who just takes her from her Mimi when she's done with her and the next day i loose her again. This is the one thing I was so scared of by going to work, was loosing my daughter. Loosing the bond we have, but I guess I'll have to deal with and feel like my daughter doesn't want me anymore, I can no longer be the one to soother her. I'm so ******* hurt.
I'm working, I got a job so I could save up the money to get an appartment, and maybe I'm being dramatic, iv only been working since Thursday last week. So tomorrow will be my 3rd day on the floor, it's just all ******.
I feel trapped in a corner, I feel like we aren't ever going to get out and we will be stuck.
We have to stay until they can support themselves. My husbands checks every 2 weeks, are the only thing keeping the house together.
He pays for:
• The Light Bill
• Food
• Gas
• Internet

His checks are litteraly gone by the time he's done paying bills.
Litteraly the only thing he doesn't pay is the rent, his mom's husbands SSI barely pays for that so if we're to leave, they'd be stranded.
I'm so stressed out, my mom and gram keep telling me that i don't need to support them and that i should just leave I have my daughter and husband to think about now, and that she's just using Chris. Like I don't know anymore.. I'm just so STUCK..
I'm so irratited, his ****** brother refuses to get a job and help, well sorta. He applied for a job at Fed Ex But it's been like a week and he hasn't heard anything back.
But he's gonna throw a **** fit when he has to help pay for bills.
I need to get out of here, I need my own place so bad. A place to call my own, where I don't have to worry about 4 other people in the house and being confined to only one room. I litteraly need this so bad, I want to cry.

Sorry... for the vent.

Lots of friggin stress..
KitaRaizal Aug 2017
I struggle day in,
and day out.
I struggle believing,
I'm doing the right thing.
I beat myself up,
Day in and Day out.
I question myself,
Whether or not,
Iv done good or bad.
This little girl,
Is my entire world.
Everyday, I feel like I'm doing something wrong.
Everyday I feel like a bad mother,
Over something so small.
Or even something big,
This little girl.
Depends on me, more then anyone else.
But everyone tells me,
I'm doing everything I should be.
I'm doing everything just fine,
As I should be.
I feed her, I change her, I hold her, I love her, I rock her, I sooth her, I cuddle her, I bathe her.
I worry about her.

This little girl has completely changed my life, from day one.
She has changed my out look on life, she is making me stronger, and more independent, she's given me a reason to live. To wake up, to smile, to be happy.
She's my entire world and she's only been in this world for less then a month.

I love you so much Lilith Skye.
Your to young to understand now,
But you will.*

My baby girl was born
July 15th, 2017
@ 10:37am
7lbs 14oz
20 3/4 in

July 14th, medication started
****** Delivery,
Tore in 3 different places.

Shes gonna be a month old on Saterday
I can't believe it.
KitaRaizal Mar 2017
24 weeks I be,
Recently i had to go into for another ultrasound because the previous one they couldnt get the pictures of my babys heart they needed.
So they sent me to a different clinic with newer machines, and they got what they needed thank ***.
But the coolest thing about this all is that i can now feel the baby kicking and see is. Its the coolest thing ever. The not so cool thing is is its so hard to sleep comfortably at night anymore since i can only sleep on my sides. Im not allowed to sleep on my back or belly cause a bunch of issues can come about with it so by the time i wake up my one side hurts and its just all night longgggggg.
Also, we found on Valentines Day that the *** of our baby is a girl
Her name is Lilith Skye
<3 <3

KitaRaizal Dec 2016
I'm terrible at keeping track of time and the weeks, months, days.
But I do know there's a healthy litthe human growing inside of me.
And *** I wish I could put a picture up and show you guys.
The little thing had developed both its legs, arms, cheeks, ears. Oh my lordeh.
I just get all these happy feelings everytime I see it on the screen.
My little baby be causing me **** though, I have raging morning sickness or well nausea  (sometimes I get sick) but thank *** they gave me meds for that which I must say are over freaking priced for a nausea medication.
If I didn't have health care man I would have had to pay $800+ out of pocket for them suckers, I wonder.. are they made of gold?
I'm always tired, like always and have no motivation to do anything but the worst is the feeling of being sick but I'm keeping up on taking my Vitamins and eating at crazy *** hours and when I remember the nausea meds.
I have 4 app this month although I may cancel the Therapist one I don't think I can talk to a guy about my issues... just makes me super anxious and my anxiety flare thinking about it... just not comfortable..
But I have a dentist app, I get to meet and talk to a actual doctor about my pregnancy instead of nurses and midwives.
And then I have to get my blood drawn AGAIN
(Eye roll)
But that's how things are now.*

KitaRaizal Nov 2016
Last weekend went a little bit like this,
Chris' mom insisted that I take a pregnancy  test so I did. I didn't *** on it enough apperently because it came back invalid.
So Chris' brother went and bought 2 more, so I did one and I thought the face of the thing got soaked with my *** so I waited for it to dry and looked again. It came back positive.. Sam then asked me to bring it to her and to take the other one so I did and the same thing happened... so I told Chris and he's like when I get off work I'll buy you a better test, and that one too came back positive.. 5 ******* tests later and they all read positive.. still having trouble believing.. so Chris wants to go to the clinic to be sure and have a doctor tell us and be sure that the tests aren't being *******. Monday comes around and thank *** Chris has the day off I may have lost my **** if he wasn't there.. I go in and go up to the OB/GYN center and go for a free test, so I'm waiting and waiting and finally they call me. The nurse hands me some prenatal vitamins and tells me other stuff about what I can and can not take for meds while being pregnant. I'm like we'll ****, I'm 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant.
So here it is Wednesday and I wake up and feel sick but thank *** I don't have morning sickness.. I mean I know it's not really that far yet but hey its still our baby and yes it's only the size of a orange seed. But this is amazing We didn't think Chris could have kids.. but here we are going to have one.. July 8th 2017 ♡
I'm still having issues coming to terms with things.. but I hope once i see my little Tator Tot on the screen I'll believe. ♡*

KitaRaizal Sep 2016
I'm so ******... Chris is leaving for 6 hours and I'm here crying like a baby... like.. what the ****...
For the past year and a half I have been with him and always by side. Never once have I been away from him for more then like 2 or 3 hours I can't handle it... I'm ******* and I can't handle my emotions...
sleeps my life away*

KitaRaizal Sep 2016
Last night was one of the worse nights of my life.
I have been hating this month already, and then I saw a post on Facebook and it read "I really miss my dad" and my response was "my dad's a ******* so.." and from that point on I couldn't stop thinking about my dad and at one point I forgot about it cause I was watching Madea with Chris and William.
But then Chris and I went to bed and it all hit me again, he was holding me and I couldn't let him I had that ****** fuzzy feeling in my chest were I had to get out and get away and he didn't understand at first because it was a slow process but it hit me so hard I had to get away and Chris wants to hold me when this happens but it was so dark and I couldn't see anything but my Father... I freaked right out and jeered upwards onto my hands and I just started hyperventilating and crying and Chris is under me trying to calm me and I just couldn't I couldn't with him in my head and tearing me apart I could hear Chris and I knew what he was saying but I couldn't really comprehend what he was trying to tell me. I was scared of him.. well not him but... well the man in my head. Chris had me sit on him and it was so hard.. I was so scared my entire body was shaking and all i could do was whimper and cry... Chris and I were ***** and he tried to get me to lay on him so I wasn't trapped and I had the control. But I couldn't do it... eventually I crawled onto him an cried for a bit. But I would let Chris move without whimpering and jerking I'm fear, he put my cloths back on me and calmed down alot more. I swear to *** I have never wanted to be like that to him or with him. I couldn't even kiss him or let him touch my cheek without being afriad... and then after awhile I really did calm down, and then for some reason I wanted nothing more then to have Chris like.. I intimate.. Chris bit my neck because that's what I ask him to do when I'm flooded with pain and he just sparked the fire within me and I whined at him because I wanted him.. I dont understand how I go from being completed terrified of him to wanting him so bad.

Like help me understand?
What the **** is wrong with me..?
Also all while I was sleeping I refused to be away from and whimpered to get closed to him and now I'm awake I refuse to be away from my entire body refuses to be away from him.

The day I dread every year is the day my dad died.
September 26th.
Which also happens to be my best friends birthday.
**** my life.~
Next page