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I sit up at night and wonder,

Was it worth it?


Of one thing I'm sure,

It wasn't and I feel like ****.
 Sep 2015 Julija Ilich
Remus
I joke
at a
constant.

Whether it be about
myself or nothing at all,
I still joke.

Sometimes it hurts
laughing at my self hatred
since everyone thinks I'm kidding,
hell I even think it sometimes.

But it hurts knowing that
people you care about
don't notice your
smile crumbling and
your life tumbling
until you scream it out to them
"I'm not okay."
 Sep 2015 Julija Ilich
Jess
Kissing her was like breathing for the first time
A breath of fresh air being invited into your lungs
Something that made you think so loud
You thought your eardrums were going to fall off
There's a faint hum of music in the back and
You want to remember this moment
Wrap yourself up
But all you can think about is
The silence consuming you as you try to
Figure her out
What she's all about
How she'd feel if it happened again
How she'd feel if her truth began to bend
The way she looks at you is unlike any other
With eyes like honey and sugar
You could drown in something so sweet
With her you're undefeated
And that's the way it should be, right?
But how about on this very night
Where all you want to do is bury yourself in her
Make her feel loved
Make her feel like she's an angel from above
This kind of undefeated breaks all
You thought you knew
For falling asleep with her in my arms
Shattered all I thought I knew
But that's okay
That's fine
The next morning she was there and
I got to stroke her beautiful hair
Speak in low tones
Our lips close
Temptations of this manner is one I've never known
So I'll take it as it comes whether it be
In waves or dipping my toes in an ocean
But kissing you was like breathing for the first time
A breath of fresh air being invited into my lungs
November 22nd, 2014 9:53pm. The morning after I kissed her.
 Sep 2015 Julija Ilich
oni
cold hands
around my throat
dragging me under

i hold my breath
and clench my sheets
as if they were
an anchor

but when the wave hits
i am always swept away
how to explain mental illness
 May 2015 Julija Ilich
Love
Last night,
I talked to her,
And I realized how much I truly missed her.
I thought I was over her,
That she was a thing of the past,
But no.
Shes a thing of the present,
And hopefully the future.
I miss her,
And I'm determined to make her mine again.
Because...
Shhhh!
Don't tell nobody,
But I think I love her.
Colorfully depressed

   Falling in line with others among the family crest

..Yet,

happy to have something beating in my chest.

We all get perplexed and stressed to the point we don't know what to do next.  But even indecision is a choice - all a part of the test.  

Sifting through the mesh of a life once lived
Contemplating how many years my flesh has yet to give

and so I close my lids

...Sinking deeper into an abyss,
Noticing all I would have otherwise missed.  
The mist cleared & the vessel I now steered
Proved to me I had nothing to fear..
No need to disappear for eye am always here,
a part of everything -
from interpretive memories
to each melody the birds in the morning sing~

We're all certainly uncertain of what the new day shall bring -
but I hope you too avoid the bitter stings
and rest rather comfortably to a beautiful ring

The Queen or King of your own palace, in a land full of equals,
who do all they can now instead of investing in a sequel.
What should be embedded in our heads
is that we're more than just people..
Yet we keep limiting ourselves based on what seems feasible

Why we've grown so disconnected seems so unreasonable

...Still, it's controllable.
Even in moments where we feel inconsolable

Too many blows to the ego ***** walls that enclose the soul.
Put every temporary and enduring pain that is your ball & chain..
On to paper, and let it go.

As it does, you too will fly free,
straight for serenity where you can replenish your dreams.
If you're hurt looking back on the past,
Don't bask, for this too shall pass.
You can never be sure how long the moment will last..
But true bliss exists beyond the realm of time and space -
Anchors holding our mind,
Floating only in this place -within the mindframe of splintered windowpanes where you came to play the game only to find the pains all hurt the same.

Let me explain,*
Don't refrain, because at the end of that insane train
I'll be standing in a white light,
with lips forming your name.
Astral projecting, hand in hand, our gaze fixed on a new plane
away from the mundane,
to show you infinite new colors, so we can create.
The universe was, and always will be our canvas, let's paint~
 Jul 2014 Julija Ilich
AmberLynne
Put a price on yourself.                                                                                     
Tell me, what's the value of your life?                                                               

When did metal become your god,
slithering upon your wrists
and enveloped within the confines
of your lips.
You practice your idolatry,
revering the cold embrace
of stainless steel.

Put a price on yourself.                                                                                       
Tell me, what's the value of your life?                                                               

How did you get here,
teeth clattering on your god
of false hope?
Put under so much pressure
to leave a mark on the world,
make a difference, be different
(but not too different)
that instead you settle
for leaving scars in your wake.
The marks on your skin
and the ache left in their hearts-
is that the target you were aiming for?

Put a price on yourself.                                                                                       
Tell me, what's the value of your life?                                                               

Stop.
Breathe.
This is about the consequences brought about by societal pressures.
7.13.14
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