am i still visible to you?

i do not know
it is me being too much
or
it is he being so careless

all i know was
it is hard to forgive
but i keep repeating
the same thing

forgive
hurted
forgive
hurted
forgive
hurted
hurted
hurted
hurted

why love can be so painful?

you took so many place
in my heart
    that i almost can not find
      a home to stay

you burn it all
  but i can not say a word

it is my fault
for loving you too much
   i love you too much

for the feelings that
i have felt for you

i am really sorry to feel
that way

to you,

im sorry for all the bad things that i said to you yesterday
im sorry for all the negative thoughts that cross into my mind whenever i hear you doing things
its not like i dont believe in you but i just get nervous that you might get someone better there
im sorry to hurt you yesterday
i cant say that i didnt mean to hurt you, i want to hurt you as hurt as possible wondering if you feel my pain too
i want to break you once so if something really bad happen to us, youre going to be strong, we are going to be strong and hold onto each other
im sorry for all the lies, thats my way to hurt people. telling them lies and hurt their feelings im sorry for doing that to you
actually it was hurt to see you hurting
i cant even breathe theres a heavy weights in my chest i cant breathe
i love you so **** much and i hope your feelings will never change
anyway thankyou for loving me all this time
Thanks to God for let me be by your side
i prayed for you every night, Thanks God that i have someone like you in my life, telling Him how much i adore you that i always begged Him to keep you healthy and okay
i love you seriously
i was lying yesterday
im sorry
i believe in you this whole time its just that i kept making a reason to hurt you
i believe in you
i believe in you

the sooner the sun comes up

the bigger your shadows get

a good beginning don't always

have a good ending

if the progress were slow, there is a reason why

so don't cry my friend

pain is a part of being young, they say

someone told me that to love or to be loved,
you must ready to take a risk

love will always make you feel both
happy and sad

love will always make you feel confuse
about giving more or taking more

love will always make you feel full
either of joy or tears

love will always make you grow
to be a better person or another person

love will always make you taste
the sweet and the bitter

love will always
make you
feel weird
but also
blessed

let me tell you about myself;

i used to end relationship quick with people;
i told them that i can't have relationship with them, i told them things that made them give up on me, i told them that i can't.

i used to throw away all the feelings i have;
everytime my feelings grow, i always cut the roots and let it die.

i  used  to  treat  people  who  loves  me  so  badly.

i used to ignore them,
i used to hold myself for love,
i used to be so cruel about people's feelings.
i used to do bad things to people around me and myself.

now you know that,
will your feelings still grow on me?

everything's my fault for being too cruel.
i push him away as far i could yet he's still trying to reach me but i hurt him like everyday i throw the knives in her heart. i told him how much i can't fall for him with a really hurtful way. my friend told me that he loved me so much that he cried because of me.
i've tried to love him, to feel the way he feel for me. i look at him so often, that our eyes met. i  didn't like him at first, maybe until now but it hurts knowing that he's no longer waiting for me. i know i'm too cruel but nobody ever help me to fix myself.  
i'm being so happy all this time knowing that there's someone who truly loves me and i will just make him stay like that because i believe that he will wait for me, no matter how long is it. i'm being so happy that i finally got a loyal ones, the one who would wait for me. i'm so happy that my story would have a happy ending.
but  i'm  wrong.
love can't be like that and that's not love if it's only one person that feel it. love won't wait forever if you don't make a move and hold it close to your heart. nobody will wait forever if you show no interest to them.
but everything's still so blur to me, like every single thing. i may say everyday that i fall for the main character in dramas but God, i swear not that kind of fall. i never really fall into someone else, i never really fall for people. i only fall with how they talk, or his mind. because before i fall to people, i hold myself, telling myself that i shouldn't fall in love because i'm scared that i might be like my mom. i'm scared that i might live the rest of my life loving someone who once loved me but then when he's got bored of me, he choose to left. i'm scared that everything might turn out like that. i'm too scared to be like that, too scared to try. so here i am, only have regret in every love story that i've been through.

the saddest part
of being loved by someone is

if you try hard
to love him back
but can't

and it's frustrates you a lot
that you just can't love him
but he's still stuck

in you

(b.i)

you can only find the day like me once in your life.
im the wind that blows hard till your eyes hurt
and can't see the ocean anymore.
it will put the heavy rain to your shoulder
and make you kneel to the clouds
but it won't look at you anymore
because it cry too hard,
so hard that even the fire inside your heart
died because of its sadness.


it's until that point you realize
my feelings have become numb
my body have become weak
i wasn't the same me anymore
and to you,
fragments of shattered glass was only visible thing left in your heart
because you already lost me for good

(b.i & j.s)

love is love
even though his heart does not fit yours

love is love
even though his hands were holding another universe

love is love
even though his lips never land on yours

love is love
even though his moon never back to you

and love is still love
even though
it
     was
             not
                    made
                               for
                                     you

(b.i)

have you ever think of someone so hard until your head hurts?
have you ever care about someone you never met before?
have you ever feel so curious about someone?
have you ever fall in love with someone who's so far away?

i have met with thousands people
but none of them makes me feel so curious
and it's funny how i never see his eyes
but i am so sure that it would be bright
what happened with my mind?

you might think i am crazy
to expect too much
you might think i am out of my mind
but the feeling is real
the feeling is lighten up my morning
and i feel so warm, more than before.
ah, thanks to him.

it's funny how last year you think my feelings is not real and im not exist in this life.

it's funny how last year i try so hard to be visible in your eyes.

and it's even more funny how you beg me to come back when I never really get too close to you.

to my lovely grandmother.
who always stay by my side even though her eyes is already tired.
to the one that makes me feel most comfortable.

have you been well?

I guess that you must be feeling well there. life is getting more hard when you're gone.
don't you see his eyes? the eyes of your lovely husband? it's not brave eyes like it's used to be. he became more weak day by day, just like you.
life's been so hard for him, but still he's standing on his feet. he feels so sad lately because one of his part has gone. his lovely son, his lovely grandchild. the only family that he loves so much.

they're treating him so bad but he still love it.

isn't it ironic? how he love his called 'the loved ones' but the one who love him is his lovely daughter? he never consider us as his family.

even me or even my brother or my mother. well we are just a burden for you two, right? I understand it the most. but still I know that you still love us.

to the one that I trust the most.

I'm doing really well here. even though not as good as I used to be. even though I lost supporter but still I'm doing my best to live.

thankyou for all this time. i love you forever with all of my heart.

time flies
season changes
i don't know why
but they keep running
to catch me

people who's waiting
is not there anymore

i kept asking why?

the day changes
sun and moon
day and night

it keeps bothering me
i am seventeen now

heavens whisper to me
"time flies, sure to change people."

my favorite part is the dew while yours is the sunrise
days left for us, only few, isnt forever but still nice

my favorite part is the night while yours is the sun
if loving you isnt right, i dont care bcs its still amazing

my favorite part is the leaf while yours is the flower
i never want to leave you but it so hart to get us together

my favorite part is when winter, while yours is when summer
would you warm my heart even it already frozen?

my favorite part is the sea while yours is the mountain
ill never set you free but im afraid you wont come back again

my favorite part is blue sky while yours is the white cloud
when you say goodbye my hearts screaming loud

my favorite part is the moon while yours is the dark sky
please come back soon before i say goodbye

my favorite part is the dust while yours is the solid ground
i gave you all my trust but you just left me a wound

there's a night when i feel so cold and I couldn't sleep because I've sleep the way too much.

    and I  miss  you.

I just wanna hear your voice but there's just the sound of rain.
I just wanna feel your collarbones but you're not here anymore.

   I'm crying. trying to survive.

"one more night." I told myself.

I already know that you won't come back but still im still over optimist that you will come back.
I miss your touch.
I miss our memories.
the night still feels like day for me. i miss the night when you were here.

i thought that it would be okay to fall in love with only his eyes
but that's a wrong thing to do
it's 2am and im thinking about kissing his soul

i want to be part of his life
watching him smile all the time
look at his eyes for a long time
singing together in the middle of the night
hugging and warming each other hand
but that's a impossible things to do

his path is different from mine
he's the guy that only princess can get
he's the guy that all girls are talking about
and maybe he will never look at me even
o
  n
     c
        e

his souls reminds me with the colour of the sky in the morning
he's listening to his music right now thinking about something red

whenever he smile,
he smile with both of his eyes

I'm here, he's there
but the thoughts of him
is always on my mind

“Here, take my hand.” he said.
“I don't want it.” i said.
“Please, we can walk together.” he said with his charming smile.
“I'm sorry but I can't, are you not afraid?” i asked.
“I don't have something to be afraid of, so just take my hand.” he said once again.
“I'm sorry, I'm scared that I might lose it someday.” I tried to walk away.
“It's okay, I'm here.” he said.
“you don't know.” i ran.

i once knew a boy who loves his friend so much
that he rather to sleep late at night to text a good night messages

i once knew a boy who loves his friend so much
that he understand her, no matter what she did

i once knew a boy who loves his friend so much
that he could gave up everything just for her

just for
his world

why can't i let my self to fall in love,
when I'm feeling my heart beating in my chest?

why can't I let my self fall into my feelings, when all I can see is your eyes?

why can't I?

i saw you smile
i saw you laugh
but there's something wrong
you do it without your eyes

there's something wrong
with how the days pass
you seems like a dead body
walking in the morning street
even though there's an old man says hello to you,
you're just walk away

why are you being like this?
you're exist but not living
you're standing in the crowded but don't do anything

what happened with the light inside your eyes?
i don't see anything,
just a litre of blood that are going to bleed

who are you to appear, dancing, and smiling in my mind?
who are you to be an actor in my dream?

why am i thinking about you so often?
why are you appear in my mind instead of sitting next to me?

please don't be my thirty minutes thoughts,
i want you to be here
next to me

nobody really knows about life. some people are trying to be the good ones. some people aren't, this kind of people never feel enough and scared to try more. people are creating their own world. social media, wealthy, popularity and everything that similar with it. they never really knows about life, they're just doing something so they can live for tomorrow. 24 hours is not enough for human. they don't know that the true beauty is inside their soul. they are wasting their time just to be a good person, they don't realize by be a positive soul can create a good personality.

am i deserve to live longer?
the demons take control of my mind
it plays with my feelings
fill up my heart with dark things
sadness, guilty, dumb, weird, ugly

when will i can go?
how long can i survive?
how long?

don't fall in love with a boy
who smells like winter
because all he had is
frozen heart and cold soul

don't put your high hopes with a boy
who smells like winter
don't. you. ever.
because he just love a girl
who smells like spring
the one who are melting for
the one who keep him warm
even in the 0 degrees

don't you ever
fall in love
or put your high hopes
with a boy who smells like winter
because he will never love a girl
who smells like autumn

'why are you still in here?'
someone asked her.
'why am i still in here?'
she asked herself. confused.
then she go to another place.
'why are you in here?'
another people asked her.
'why am i in here?'
she asked herself. again.
'useless'
someone shout it loud to her ears.

then she realize
that nobody wants her
she's useless
and
unwanted

so she go to her bedroom
where nobody can  found her
where she can be alone
the demons took all the control
she takes the blade under her pillow
and cut her wrists
wishing for dead

it happen again tomorrow
and the day after tomorrow
and when she's not strong enough
she cut herself again and again
she can't keep it to herself
she's not strong anymore
she thinks she's unwanted and useless
and the other night
in the rainy day
she killed herself

isn't it funny
how i kept writing a poetry about you
even all you did was hurted me

isn't it funny
how i always love you
even all you did was left me

isn't it funny
how i still put my high hopes
to you;
to someone who don't even have a heart but still living

a*  little  reminder  for  you  this  afternoon  : ­ 

life is worth living, don't you ever feel bad of your self, body, shape, size, thigh, or thoughts. you are good enough no matter what. do things that makes you happy. if something goes wrong, change it. if you don't like something. change it. everything starts from yourself, the hard you work the happier you'll be. life goes on. don't stuck in something useless. just fight for something you deserve. you are enough. you are unique.

the night just reminds me of how dark my days

the loneliness has filled up my room

all these stupid things is stuck in my mind
destroy every piece of my soul

even the lights of the moon can reach my eyes, i still feel lonely without you by my side

please  
come
*back

is it my fault?
is  it  my  fault,  Dad?
to born with this body
a soul that full of stupid things
that you hate

i am not perfect
but i have tried my best for you
high scores in school
unexpected talents
still not enough?

i don't know what kind of daughter
that you dreamed
but i know
i am not the one

was that the reason you left us?
was that the reason you left me?

i do love you, Dad
but since you left us
you don't even my first love, like the other  daughter  to  her  dad

since you can't accept all my flaws
you're not my favorite hello
not even my hardest goodbye

i was dreaming about hold my grandmother in her last second time and then she died and everyone cried. and it feels so real i can't barely breathe and when i woke up the whole world feels so strange for me.

   i hate my *mind

they say,
love is a feeling when you can't control yourself for falling with someone else's eyes

they say,
loving is hurt sometimes, but it's the only thing that makes the angels happy.

they say,
don't put your high hopes or your future in someone else's shoulders because it's probably not the right person

they say,
love is love. no matter how you feel.

(b.i)

trippin' out
and spinning around
all i can see is white
i feel alive than before
i'm feeling like
my heart is very peaceful

and kept walking
i saw my family there
i saw my parents hugging
aw they're not fighting again
I saw a friend who is always judge me was crying
and I saw so many regret at there

What's happening?
and then I saw my body lying limp
I'm dead
I'm already dead
I know this will be happen
But I can't leave them
They care about me now,
..but it's too late

i saw a bright light around me
so i follow the light
and go into the new world