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It appears the journey
I stated 2 years ago
has finally come to an end
or so it seams.

I have arrived at the point
where it all stated
though
in better shape than I left
in retrospect
I'm bleeding,
the souls of my feet
blistered and blackened
my hands, shoulders
covered in thick calluses
of the weight I beared
and still do

Rest now, by the oases
and, tempted
I look into the reflection

I do not recognize myself
nothing is the same
nothing is as I remember
I have changed
damaged, broken, weathered
and
in frustration of the load,
I toss it into pool
the water feels cool on my skin
hence, remembering I'm parched
drink from the fresh sping
from the crack in the wall
and dive into the pool I do

As I emerge
drenched, clean
I sit and let the water settle
now dark, thick, black with sooth
and look again

I still don't recognize myself
but this, what I see
now, I recognize as myself
an ideal me
the real me
from an improbable perspective
myself,
cleansed from the aftermath
or the harshest climate
produced from a world that knows
no love, no kindness
but only hate and pain
a pain burried deep
withing the caverns
of the dark and srary
truth
that cowards fear to face
and honorary men die for
if only to have it for a moment.

Peace.
It's peaceful here
if only not for the pressuring heat.

"Here seams nice
the point where my journey stated
and where it should naturally end.
I am tired, I need rest
And this heat will keep me uncomftable
until I figure
which direction should I head to next."
95%
95%
This will not
Be easy
To tear open my own wounds
And expose the infection within
As this green and purple
Sludge oozes and spills
No
This won’t be easy
To find the right words
To express these complex emotions
To formulate sensations
Personal sensations
Covered in ooze;
No, this won’t be easy
But I must __________________
Welco­me
This is my little dark room
Or rather corner
It has always been here
And over time, it has changed
Gotten bigger
Made me weaker
Doesn’t demand much
But it’s a drain on my systems
Everything goes into black and white
Such an extreme
It’s scary
Being like a piece of code;
I’m ether on, or off
Though mostly off
At times
It leaves me paralyzed
Haunted my instances and experiences
I do not wish to remember
Playing on a constant reel
Over
And over
And over
And over
Till, I’m crying
Begging
For it to stop
Or sometimes
Shaking
As an enemy hits you
Feeling the sensation
Though the controller;
But it’s all over
And it doesn’t stop
Everything is intense
Such as waking
It’s so ******* some days
And sleep a once thought-of dream
It formulates and calculates
And re-calculates
Pointless instances
And constantly draws the same conclusion
Time and time again
__________________­
I hate you
I thought you were my friend
I believed you would protect me
I believed you’d be there in the end
But you’re not
And now look
Look at what you’ve made me become
At how you have tarnished everything
With this black sticky oil
How you’ve made me fall apart
Time and time again
How could you?
Why would you?
If I go, so do you
There is no point to your logic
They’re all filled with deceit and lies
These equations make no sense
But you overload my senses
How dare you tell me what my best is
When you were there with me in the crypt
Poisoning me from the very start
And to think you conceived me
To stop my heart

How dare you
Make me look down upon myself
And misjudge the very fabric
Of what makes me who I am
And to think
That if I blinked and was gone
Completely disassociated
I’d come back to something better
Instead you’ve make things worse
And it hurts
That so many people
That I have now lost
Will never read this
Verse
_________________­
I am so sorry
For what this disease
Has made me do
How it broke me down to my core
And I slowly was eroded away
To this empty shell
And all you could see
Was this facade
And I hate it;
So disgusting and repulsive
To not feel at home in your own skin
I thought it was my friend
But it is my greatest enemy
The only thing that can break me
And it did
Cracked and shattered
I have spent the last few months
Regathering my broken pieces
From the last few years

I’m doing good though
Like,
I never though how much
I’d miss seeing colors
And how music with no words
Has a much greater impact
Sleep is actually
Quite enjoyable
And necessary
And O.M.G
Food! How much
I’ve missed all the textures
And flavors and spices
And the sweet and sour;
I feel better
I am better
For the first time in a while
I’m feeling
myself

But I’m not sure
How you’d take this news
I’d ask how you are
But I know already
:better
And I am, in deepest honesty
Happy for you
I’m sorry things are this way
I never intended things to end
Because most endings, such
As now
Rarely end happily

Instead,
I’ll simply say
I’ve chased too many people now
And my legs are tired
And I’m still chasing myself
What’s left of it anyway
So, I guess
Come and take chase;
My door is always open
And I’m never
Out of coffee
Ahh,
good morning, hi, hello,
sorry I've been away for so long
but as you can see
I have been quite busy
doing?
well,
what no one else would
taking care of myself
putting me first
being selfish

Sorry about the mess
in this little cluttered
cave of a room I've been calling home
it stinks, it's *****
with cobwebs on the ceiling,
beer bottles littering the floor
of other times when I was merry
pizza boxes as tall as tallboys
and empty packets of ice-cream
create a mosique on the floor
the air is thick with the smell
of burnt out tobacco, stalenesss
and ****

I should have cleaned before you come
or at least
let in some lig-
Not that corner!
(in the dark there
you could make out a corpse
broken and contorted
in an uncomfortable position
neck broke, jaw dislocated
it's bowls, the contents
littering what once a seamless blackness
and a face twisted between
fear and constipation
if not also frustration)

Sorry you had to see that
but that is the model before myself
as I said, I have been working
in this little space.  
As you can see unfortunately,
that model there was different
everyone loved him
and it's sad that he has to be replaced
(for now)
why? well...
look at the floor
the only person who's been in this lab
other than you
is me and it
and that for me
simply won't do anymore

And with that, the cave comes alive
the dust, smog, garbage
are slowly swept away
and the light, such light now
fills this little whole
till all forms that were the past
are removed, lost, forgotten
and left bear

.....
expect for a sofa and a coffee-table
with a mug of hot coffee
a slice of cake
and a spliff on the side
and there I sit,
resting,
breathing
sipping,
smoking,
waiting
to see
what this new form
this new energy
brings my way
Something has happened
In a clear blue sky
Lighting struck and
I'm triggered.

I have no control
A foreigner in my own skin
Betrayed by the very body I called
my own
My vices start to rear their heads
Happy, sadistic smiles on their faces
I recognise the shaking
The adrenaline from my veins
Displacing me from myself
As it slowly builds
Waiting impatiently
To erupt

I don't recgonise who's in the mirror
That face,
those eyes
They're there,
but out of focus
Cool water calms me
From the sweat off my palms
Deep, slow breaths,
Happy places and counting
But the calm now won't come
My headphones have abandoned me
These limbs of mine shake uncontrollably
And food doesn't stay long in my belly.

It erupts.
And the world.
spins.
As i.
swim.
through.
An.
ocean.
of.
sweat.
The.
world.
turns.
to.
bl­ack.
I for-
get to.
breath
and.
become.
A
shive-
ring.
heap
in.
a.
corner.
As my heart can't quite seam.
To keep it's beat.

cause the world is suddenly
Too Loud
the lights
Too Bright
the temperature
Too Cold
Everything's Too Much

And my brain crashes.

Not sure whos fault it is
Or why I'm like this
For I figure im just built
with faulty wiring, a brain overstimulated
And when this surge in current passes
I'll rise, exhausted,
Drenched from the
storm
Take a
deep breath
Brush

myslef
off


And



Rest
To make yourself insignificant
is simple; make
your voice even quitter than the squeaks of a mouse
lower your gaze from the heavens to the ground
and focus on the black soil staining your boots
hunch your shoulders and arch your back
as you carry the hidden weight of your intelligence

Slower your pace to that of boredom
rather than purpose
wear cloths that fit you too big
to hide your size and strength
shoes too small
if you can afford any at all
pull your hoodie up
to hide your face from passerby
and face down, not forward
gaze fixed, lost, broken.

Do not stroke the ego of your friends
offer little to no support
for in their recompense,
they will not save you.

Don't reach out to those you need
for your need will become a drug to them
and don't accept the help of those who offer
for that will become a tally of re-payment
turn your back on any proposal of aid
no matter how enticing
they may be

Withdraw within yourself, within your own thoughts
do not show weakness, even when you're forgotten
hide behind pride, ego
immaturity; a soul not stained by life's lessons
keep the mask on as you slowly
become insignificant, unfazed
and follow others
like sheep to their death
and yours

But
if you ever wish to lead
it is simple
turn your back on your gods
for they never cared for you
and they will never follow you

Instead, simply say
'I will no longer chase
it is time that I switched pace
instead I will lead
who dares to follow me and my steed?'


Then
see who follows
if any at all.
Isn’t it funny
How those who know less about money
Or life
Seam to strive for more
When half the population
Can’t make it through the front door
Mothers selling themselves cheap
To help keep their kids off the streets
And fathers working double-time
While both parents have other lovers
To pass the time
Because everything now comes with
‘sides’; whether it’s benefits, money
Power, fame
Or better yet, influence of any-sort
Because even humans
Can be controlled
If you pull on their reigns

I hate being human
And in honesty,
I’ve watched you all
We’re all sad
Pitiful
And at times, disgusting
It’s sad, because it’s hard
To teach an old dog new tricks
And while the whole world worries about Brexit
I just wish you all swallowed your egos and fixed this
Even Therese May quit this
Gave good-old Britain the slip
I guess when you have no solid plan
The world won’t hold your hand

Then again, the world never really offers support
It just finds ways to grind things out of you even more
And if you’re not fertile soil that can bear fruit
You are quickly given the boot
The seeds being planted elsewhere
How depressing
To think they we’re so dependent
On the support
And respect of others
To make ourselves ‘feel good’
We are, fundamentally
Social animals
It’s just sad that for some
Social means monologue
And looking-over others
On a constant search for that love
That was never given by a mother
Or a father for that matter
But that doesn’t matter
For most fathers have never known love
Anyway

The older I get
The more I realise
How much life has to give
Because with all that’s going on
The world is full of colour
Things to do, place to see
People to meet
But I also realise
No;
Compassionately understand
Why killing yourself is always an option
Because hiding it is so much easier than talking about it;
People ether half-listen, don’t listen or
Hastily tell their experiences while neglecting others
How that one more ***
Makes the day more bearable
How talking non-stop about yourself
Fills the void that life has neglected in you
How not giving a ****
Shields you from a world going to hell
That resigning is a sign of having no plan
And being exhausted of the scrutiny

I am not a product of what the world has done to me
Not directly in any-way
I’m just feed up of being human
Feed up of these humans
A constant organism that leaches on and consumes
From a world that cannot sustain itself
If everyone only thinks and talks about
Themselves

And yet
That’s all we know
Last night
on a walk
minding my own business
I was disturbed by a stranger in an instant
she smiled at me
and handed me a box of donuts.

She had just closed shop
and didn't want to throw them away
and seeing me, she hopped
at the opportunity to give them away
to a passersby

And since no one else was around
she gave me all 3 boxes
each with 6 donuts covered
in cream, chocolate and pastry
filled with jam, cream and chocolate

My first thought
(after thanking her that is)
was who would I share them with?
I knocked on doors, but no one was home
to enjoy this treat
and considering my recent treatment
as my life has been passed though a blender
I thought
I'll eat them all myself

And so I walked and walked and walked
with boxes of donuts in my hand
back home the flock
bent over the boxes
and one by one they ate them
and one by one they gave them away

Except for me
for I couldn't eat a single one
because they contained milk
and I'm lactose-intolerant
Hidden among the dark corners of my mind
In a place were I only knew I left him,
I found the boy, shaking and cold
A boy no older than six years old

Needless to say, the boy has seen ****
The world outside is distant and scary to him
Eyes full of wonder, yet consumed by fear
He looks at me dead in the eye, ready

No no, my sweet child. It's time to move
What's out there, I can assure you, you'll survive
You're a fighter, mummy and daddy's little trooper
But fight for yourself, not just for others
For now, all that's left is you, for this is
Your life
Your dream
Your ambition
So what will you now do?

Shaken, the boy rose slowly and walked
Towards the light, and as he did so
He grew in hight and weight, muscles and hair
and, glacing slowly behind him
closed the door to his safe space
I remember a time
when friends were more honest
and none carried daggers
or knives to stab
opinions said and compromises  reached
and the future was so distant,
so bleak

But we started to grow
and realised that,
out there,
there's a lot
we don't know
we had to be loud
to make out voices heard
we started to argue
to compete for who's better
and as long as our name
is mentioned
we didn't care about the rest

We cared more about praise
and being told we've done a
good job
and with fame came power
with power comes a mob
and the ego;
cause how dare you call us
slobs
when we have proven
we're better
superior!

How boring
to wage a war over
such nuances
that lead to disagreements
and such oppressive judgements
of those with
everything to lose
vs.
nothing to gain
of those who's
voices are loud, but their minds empty
vs.
silent voices but chaotic minds-
- of those who have learnt the price
of knowledge, gifts, power
vs.
of those who hunger for it
with lustful vengeance
to rub in peoples faces
to bend them to kiss the very ground
they walk on!

Pity these simple fools
who have not learnt their lessons.

Pray they learn empathy
for other more than themselves
as they'll ***** out the fires of those
who are built differently than them.

Message their egos, gently but firmly
so they'll learn self-control
and no let their goes
overlap other's boundaries;
for it's in their nature
to consume for their own gain

Show them vulnerability
and that to error is purely human
for they believe they are gods
walking across the land

And most of all
give them love
no;
show they love
for deep down
such gods are
broken, vulnerable and neglected
believed to be cursed to walk
with bleeding wounds that
do not heal
fr they were never showed how,
held of cradled
because affection is willingly given

But to them
it never was.
Can you hear it?
Can you hear it?
Can you hear it?

The screeching wail
Of the banshee coming
From somewhere
Up there
Out there
Screaming on her way
Back down to earth

Can you hear it?

Of course you can’t
While your universe,
Not world,
Is shaken from it’s roots
And the ground beneath you
Once solid, instantly
Feels like sand

Can you hear it?

The silence after the banshee passes
As the rubble settles and the dust slowly clears

Can you hear it?

The cries of children
Mothers
Fathers
Sisters
Brothers
And loved ones

Can you hear it?

The tapping and screaming
From inside the rubble

Can you hear it?

The life
Leaving

Can
You
Hear
It?

Of course not;
Because this is their problem,
Not yours
I understand now
just how
the world works
you're expected to bow
to every request
but if you can't manage, how
to do so, then
you're ******,
good luck!

I understand now
I'm a simple pawn in game
weak in my strength
and easily, mercilessly lost
cause in reality
what else was I?

For in a world
consumed by the very fabric of consumption
it's easy to take, take, take, take, take
and never really give
and those who give, give, give, give, give
die of starvation as
they readily give their wealth, health, wisdom, pride, love
only to be slowly ****** dry
by those who cant or are too stubborn to feel
anything

I have nothing left to give.
There's no point beating around the bush about it
my resources, all my resources
drained,
always running,
never resting
exhausted sounds like a sweet nap in comparison
Even my ears
that once were used for listeing
deaf, a constant hum and buzzing
my soul
or whatever's left of my spirit
stretched too thin
and unable to take anymore

I am a wasteland
or wasted land,
whichever you see fit
there are no fruits to bear for my labours
everything is still, nothing grows
so burn it
all of it
too the ground!

And as I watch the flames progress across the horizon
while getting ****** off by some girl from the Amazon
whiskey in hand, blunt in the other, with no care or bother
as the flames slowly consume the landscape
I walk over her burning corpse and
and look at the burning wasteland
and like God on the 7th day
satisfied by the chaotic clean slate I've constructed
I'll simply say
'I saw it was all good'
Don’t you even get tired
Of being admired?
Placed high on a pedestal
For all to see
And you to boast
About your victories
Those adventurers and stories
That leave your listeners
Hooked on their seats

Pedestals don’t do me good
Believe me
For I was once a god
Commanding my own followers forward
To do my bidding, exert my wishes
Reinforcing my will
Over what was once free
To now become mine

But back then, I was also
A young fool like you
Driven to be whole
Or bring meaning to a life
Pointlessly lived
To the expectations of those around me
Only to rebel against
Such an atrocity
Only for them, in the end
To abandon me

And now look at me
There’s nothing similar about us
I am the light in the darkness
This is what a lack of ego does to me
This is how the world makes me feel
As I’m pushed around by demi-gods
Who think it’s funny to toy
With an ex-god

That is, until I swing
My life
Till now
has been a series of
contradictions

I have been blinded
by the darkest of rooms

I have seen words spoken out-of sobriety

I have heard the silence
in the loudest of rooms
and the shreeking shrieks
of silence

I have felt the rage of solitude
and the loss of togetherness

I have seen the flatness
in the curve of the horizon
and curves
in the straightes of lines

I have felt love
in the hardest of hits
and pain
in the most gentle of touches

I have seen the stars
shine bright in day
and the Sun
illuminating the night

I have felt love
the kind that leaves you hollow
and hatred
that draws you nearer

I have felt the yurning
to return to that room
and the fear
of having to leave it

I have felt the joy
of losing one to that peaceful slumber
and anger
as new life born

I have felt disgust
cursed by my own skin
and glutny
to simply be like the others

I have felt the rush
of the unwilling
and the slowness
of those willing

I have seen the greatest speed
in stationary objects
and stillness
as life flashes past

I have felt the craving
for nee love
and the hate
of old love

I have felt the fear
of independence
and the bravery
of dependence

I have felt the regret
of seeing morning come
and the joy
as the night approaches

I have felt the lust
for things I can have
and the chastity
of what I can't bring back
So the man I knew
passed away today
sadly, I never knew him
not to my fault, but his own
his choices and decisions
that caused this rift
and maybe his passing

A man died today
there were tears, wailing, crying and silent sobs
I knew him well
his habits, skills and wisdom
his suffering and challenged
but now he rests
now he is peaceful
Dawn, disappointingly,
shines through my window
sheets are cold, but
my bed is warm
those are the only sensations
I fell, if only for an instant,
just enough to realise I'm still here
but not long enough to appreciate my life
then, they come
in force, one after the other
a non-stop battery
of cures
insultes
illogical and supportive thoughts
permanently fixed in their unsuportiveness
always negative, relentless
to the point of numbing
the bliss of feeling nothing
overwhelmed by the information given
to tired to process it all

Getting out from under there is hard
the monuments challenge that I,
after years of training, still find hard
and so, out I go
slowly, dragging
like a phone on constant low battery
my legs dance beneath me for balance
my mind in a haze
then, I face
someone I know
from my past or present
and I, out of fear, disappointment,
and cause that's all I've know
engage my auto-pilot
and just like that, it works
because it's believable
because it's as face value
because in our hectic life where we're raised to consider ourselves
and put ourselves at the highest of peaks
because every sacrifice has a price
because no one wants to cut deep enough
because everyone's scared to make the first step
because add the end of the day
people only really care about themselves
taking the quickest route
of minimalist of effort,
but the highest of gain
cause it's easy, it's safer
because being comfortable is so safe
cause that way, you save yourself
and not get contaminated
though misery loves company
it's the poet's muse after all
yet lending an ear
it the equivalent of a ****:
a warning is given, but
no one wants to stay around to smell it

So now, when night comes again,
after a day of fakenes
of routine, drilling though
just another day
where nothing changes and everything remains the same
I'm exhausted, drained
too much to process
too dishearted by these thoughts
to move, to feel, or love
with so much going on
that my mind jams
my back stiffens, shoulders tense
the cold sheets becomes welcoming suffering
unchanging, present, stable
the only consistency I've known
for so many years

And as I close my eyes,
they play their evil tune
all over again a-new
and I pray for them to go away
I shout, I scream, I cry, I beg
I fight with everything I have
but with reserves depleted,
it's not enough.

So I drift into a comfortable numbness
waiting, hoping, praying
that tomorrow
never comes.
It is now morning
the sun is slowly shinning
it's golden rays through the curtains
slicing through the darkness of the room
and next to me, there is you
sleeping, resting
slowly waking
after digesting
a long-nights sleep

And you smile
at the first thing you see
which luckily, appears to be me
there's a quick exchange of good-mornings
as the shock of a mutual day off
seams to set in

That is, till the door behind you
bursts open and 2
miniature versions of ourselves
come running in
as if an artist took 2 of his drawings
the most different and extreme
and sandwiched them together;
a little Prince and Princes
coming to wake their Queen and King
with loud cries and giggles
everything feels good, feels happy
everything feels in place

Then the buzz of an alarm goes off
and I wake
the light feels cold and insulting
and there is no one by my side
my bedroom door blocks out
the angry shouts of the outside world
and as I desperately try and grasp at my dream
to remember every detail
preserve every sensation
it slips though my fingers
and down that creek
forgotten

After all,
it was only
just a
dream
I have grown tired of this place;
In a country
That changes it’s exterior
But it’s interior
Remains rotten and corrupt
Were people care more
About the image they portray
And
The money in their pockets
Rather than
Their own self-growth

I have come to hate this place;
Of people that hold you close
Just for their own benefit
And friendships that mean nothing
And talk and talk and talk
And action being taken
Only
When the spotlight is on them

I am exhausted;
Of dealing with this *******
Of an immature population
That refuses to grow
Or change
Or improve
Or make better
Than their ancestors
Instead
They dig and dig and dig their holes
Deeper and deeper

Now, I find myself unable
To contain my excitement or rage
When I think about leaving
About a new beginning
A complete fresh start
Were, hopefully
Things are better
Than here
It once started
a long time ago
at which point
neither of us were whole
and something clicked
connected
not looking as defective
or deviant
like the others
just like when metal meets flint
a small part of the sun licks out
and dies before it can be caught
such a spark emerges out into the night
wanting to last
wanting to stay
wanting, for a moment,
to take the pain away
and for a moment
a brief moment
Hope.
but as it's seen,
fear creeps in
like man first discovering how to make fire
none dare to  hold the intensity of the flame
produced from such a spark
or the intensity of myself
for no one over expects
that such contact
can produce such heat.

In light of such heat
the distance starts to grow
suddenly, everyone's too busy
too caught up in their lives
for some,
the darkness
doesn't allow them to see the light or to feel it's warmth
and for others
the light
blinds them not just from what the darkness,
but drives them to fear the dark
others simply consume
unconcerned with what I feel
I'm just another thing
that's part of their collection,
a portfolio of individuals they've
consumed, walked over, abused, manipulated, twisted, broke
a human meat punching bag
they just used to rip of
to get to where they are now
or
a simple stepping stone
or
a fix they needed for that moment
when they needed to feel whole

In ether state
looking up at the sky
for hope, courage and care
or around themselves
for insight, salvation
falls of deaf ears and hence,
they close themselves off to insight.

Cause of this,
I walk the earth alone
I still think I'm built different
a defective product of God's grand creation
where nature's intensity's maximum is 10,
but I'm at 25
too hot to handle
sounds like a childish joke
that brings a tear to my eye
because suddenly,
what was once
exciting, liberating or peaceful
is replaced by  
no time
no money
no freedom
no peace
and as a results
no hope.

Hence, that is my reality
where I live in the sparks
of anything that comes my way
of anything that strikes me
that sparks me,
when all I want is a supernova

".....but in reality
they're not busy
you're just not a priority
for like you, there is no other
God noticed his mistake
and made amends when
it come to such errors
therefore,
you're once again stuck
between the need of boundless destruction
and absolute freedom
but regardless of your choice

they
don't
want
you
around
anymore
." - Depression
She thought she drove past him today
Maybe, but she is not too sure
For the memory of him
is now
Faded
Fear.
The cause of so many conflicts
for simply not understanding something new.
Out of fear,
we act irrationally, dazed
surrounded by a haze
of our own insanity and insecurities.

To be Fearless
would be a great joy
to be unbound by the ordinary shackles of life
to be truly and utterly free
but this
is a double edged sword
for how will one know,
without fear,
what is important
what's safe
or
what to hold near cause it's dear?

Fear feeds on itself.
It molds, shapes, changes
into the impossibly scary monster in the dark
Consumes your mind and body
hence,
if one is to delve deep enough
to have what they wish and desire,
they must be strong of will.

Otherwise, fear will send a chill
down their spine,
freezing them in place.
I’ve been told by many people
That my attitude is my problem
That my perspective is flawed
And that I’m ****** in the head
And I guess they are right
Cause after they say this
They’re the one that fled
Far beyond the mountains

But they’re right
My attitude
And perspective are flawed
I have been through too much
To even be or feel
Like anyone of you here:
Normal

But they are also wrong
Stupid and naive
To think that they’re energy
Their vibe
Is what I need
Because they also never leave
They’re little bubble
And enforce their perspective
Of how they perceive you
Onto you
And expect you to conform
To their view of life
And orderliness of their lives

Oh,
I pity these friends of mine
I truly do
Because most of you aren’t even worth
The polish on my shoe
Which is why I don’t hide
What I feel inside
Because I still feel
I’ll never hide what I feel
I’ve been there and done that
As silent as the cries of a bat
I’ve screamed and shouted
But all I got
Was mute

Because they will blame you
Rather than blame themselves
They’ll say it’s your fault
That you’re there
On the shelf
Gathering dust
While they’re off making a success
And drowning in pointless, stupid
Lust
For power and fame
So when they see you again
They have something to boast about
Something to make them
Scream and shout
Sadly for this
No one delays
From seeing this

They won’t wonder
If your perspective is flawed
They’ll just ***** it into your head
That you are really,
Mad
Not because
People made promises
That they never kept
Or because they’ll happily replace you
With someone else
Or they’re around for the good time
And never for the grind
Or they hang and meet up with you
Because they need to pass the time
Or come begging for advice
When they’re backs against a wall
Blame you for your life and misery
But don’t listen at all
Or better yet
Plan and promise to meet one day
But you never get the text
Or call

So no,
I think my perspective isn’t flawed
I’m an extreme, like my parents
A combination of black and white
Producing the devils’ offspring
If you think what I’ve said before
Isn’t true
Then don’t say it at all
Because honestly,
I don’t care
And the last I recalled
I never asked for your opinion
So kindly keep it to yourself
Like me, put it on a shelf
And wrap it in a nice little ribbon
In a way that makes you feel
Safe and in control

Because unlike you,
I know what it’s like
To be used
Abused
Manipulated
Scared
Beaten
And called upon
To replace the now
Gaping hole that’s in your life
Because ‘they’re gone’
Expecting me to respond
Like a dog being called by name

I never wanted fame
But I know what it’s like to go insane
To feel and be told you’re crazy
And yes, I am too much
Get to close, and I’ll burn you to a crisp

So I cut you out
Like a sore tumor
For the better of the host
For the better of myself
Because I don’t need the help
From people like you
But this still
Doesn't being me piece
So instead, I’ll write
Instead,
I’ll make you
weep
Love is one
Extraordinary painkiller
Gentle in it’s touch
Addictive in it’s sensation
Just the thought
Induces constipation

You see
I’m not talking
About the love you see
In movies or series
That dictate to you
What you should expect
From life
Let alone love

Not the love
That’s as addictive
As morphine
Or worse still, ******;
The withdrawals from that kind of life
Will scar your heart
Taint your soul
Change you
Break you
For depending
On this kind of love
Will make a fool
Of you both

And no,
Not even self-love
To hell with that
Honestly
How big must you swing
For it to ring
in you
That you’re aiming
For a dream
- a socially-imposed ideal;
To love yourself more
Than anyone else
Can or should?

Let me cut to the chase
For I believe I have stung you
And wasted enough of your time
What I’m talking about
It the love
That makes time stand still
Where details are most noticeable
Where tenderness is expressed
Through the most gentle of caresses
The crevasse of your madness
The blissful playground
That another's love
Turns the worse of nights
To day

The kind of love
That doesn’t come from above
And can’t be shared
Or shoved
Down the throats of most media

Sadly
Most haven’t experienced such love
And most have only viewed it
On media

For now.
It seams to me
That the darker your skin
The less people take you seriously
They won’t look within
Or past the pigmentation
And they get mad at you
When it gives others temptation
They’ll say we’re just tools
Things on legs
With gigantic knobs
They’ll treat us like mad dogs
And call us lazy when we’re tired
And try and suppress us
When the masses start admiring
These mad dogs on a loose
While they tighten that nose
And call us savages
While if in the same situation,
They would do the same
If not worse
And claim that these ******
Are home wreckers
Because we don’t have the money
To protect our name
Or wealth

How depressing
When you consider
That man’s best friend; the dog
Is a domesticated wolf
And aggressive animal
That willingly broke itself
To be controlled by man
Still looks at other dogs
And considers them their own
Regardless of size, shape or color
Or if they share
The same mother or father

And to think that man
Would create such a divide
When they’re best friend
Is right there by their side
And they expect it to learn
From every word they say
But they won’t look through their friends eyes
The same way
I need friends
real friends
not they type that stick around only for the good times
when the alcohol is flowing
perfecting themselves
for that next camera flash
and posting online
how awesome their life is
just to get attention
where everything is focused on them
and only them

I need friends
that want to be social
that want to go on adventures
where the quite nights are mixed
with loud and sometimes unspeakable tales
that no one knows about.
Friends that will be there
more and over willing to help

But it's hard, shedding the old and bringing in the new
so much effort to change and adapt,
but
it is needed, it is time, it's what I want
for I deserve better than sadly what I have
Go back to your country!
- I was first told this by the age of 2
Back then,
I wasn’t able to tie my own shoe
But still,
I knew even back then
That this would become
A returning trend

Go back to your country!
- Note: it’s rude to say this to guests
A visitor in your own home
Should feel safe and conformable
Not scared and uneasy

Go back to your country!
- but if you want us to go back
Why do you keep your door open?
Why boast about your
National kindness and hospitality
This is recurring theme
In this countries history!

Go back to your country!
- wait
Are you seriously intimidated by me?
Does this simple pigment make you feel uneasy?
Are my beliefs really that alien to you?
….or are you saying you feel better
Knowing that someone somewhere
Has it worse than you?

Go back to your country!
- hell no
Are you saying that you
Feel comfort in knowing
That you’re sending me to war?
To starve to death?
To hear my children
Cry themselves to sleep
Or to death?
That sending my family back
Would mean
We’d all get rapped
Butchered and used
And displayed across your T.V screens
Ghax is-suwed slvagg

I am a part of this country
I was raised here
I have my life, family, friends
I got my education, health, driving licence, job
Haq Alla, anke dan
Il-liba Malti taghlimt!
I have my life here
I am one of you!

But I’m still told
To go back to my country
Daily
Women still
Hold their bags closer to them
As I walk past
Fearing I’d rob them
Mothers still pull their kids closer
As I walk past
Or funnier still
The cross to the other side of the street
Little girls, or teens -
Because these days you can’t tell the difference -
Call their parents, or better yet
The police
"Ghax hawn imigrant warraja"
You can't simply walking home

Primary school children have told me
To go back to my country
On the bus, you’ve avoided
People are too scared to sit near you
And even though I think and feel
Just like any one of you
You still talk down to me
You belittle me
"Ghax dan l-iswed ma jaf xejn"

In this country
I’ve been refereed to as
Monkey man
The token black guy in the group
Xadina tal-coco pops
Haga sewda
Klandestin
Imigrant
Tifel tax-xitan
Imniggess
Bil-hmieg tad-dnubijiet
Li ghamel ommok
Ghax hi marret ma isswed

No no,
I will go back to my country
Even though I know it means my death
Your message has been heard loud and clear!
The more you push,
The less I want you near
But I won’t go by plane
How I had originally came
But by boat
So that way,
If I sink and drown
I’ll reach the bottom
And be with my people

The people who know
That life
That living
Is worth
Trying not-to die for!
'Look at them
those idiotic fools down below
grinding their spirits away.
That will never be us,
we have a plan, a dream
and together
we will succeed.'

And I thought what you spoke was true
I believed we'd do great things together
but then you twisted words, ideas
because you're so desperate to stand out
to leave your mark in the dark
before the light stamps you out.

That's why every time
the light shines our way
you believe everyone around you is fine
because we all look gay
and you're happy, satisfied
so you turn your back towards the darkness
and run towards the light
and any friend that's left behind
watches you run in flight
how sad it is for me to think
that you'd be here for me
the same way
I was there for you
to think you'd help me rebuild
but you leave me there fiddling
in pieces on the floor
in a much worse state
then an extremely-cheap *****

I don't believe you anymore
you have lied to me
broken the cardinal rule
and worse is
you think that I believe you
I blame myself
for letting my guard down
yet, I'm left here thinking
how?

You have left me in the dark
how dare you say I'm lying
I've watch the moon rise from my window
4 times, while I was trying
to lift the weight of the world
off shoulders
your excuse was
'I was busy'
and that struck a cord
because you would have chased me
if I promised I'd **** you more
to feed that ego; the highest of statuses
you believe that you diverse
and anyone who dismisses that
you break with your words

I don't believe a word you say
did you think I'm gay?
do you think of me lower than you?
than shoo
away with you
you've been gone for 4 months
you've been so 'busy'
that you've run out of luck
yet, you still had time
to play, write and ****

We're not friends anymore
I can feel you blocking me out
we don't talk anymore, so
you don't want me to know
whilst I've previously seen your tears flow
and you don't want in
on my darkness that's within
even with my door always wide open
in this day and age
trust is worth the fuss
but it's a shame that once
your shackles came lose
you only set yourself free

This disrespect
is wiped across my face
while you boast about all your ******
successes and riches
and any question about your short-comings
you're dismissing
hide yourself in your protective cocoon
that facade you work so hard to maintain
for I already know it will be in vain
because the voices in your head will still drive you
insane

I don't think I can trust you
now
that you can lie to my face
and spoken behind my back
you always think I'm distracted
but I'm cautiously listening
feeling, dreaming
my mind buzzes to words I find appealing
out of concern,
out of love
I eves-drop on conversations
but I can't do that anymore
when you're *****' doing all the thinking

So this is how it is now?
I call a foul
on myself and my own senses
for it's them
dissing
them
because love blinds us all
I blame myself for this fall
my senses warned me
that something had ****** up
and even previously
I was cautioned
about a potential **** up
and it happened
unexpectedly
how blind and stupid I can be
while you're out there running
you broke the promise
that we would both be free
you used me like a doll
for you've had many like me in reserve
so for you to leave
was easy
you didn't even say a word.

I honestly loved you like a brother
but now
I don't know if I can
any
more.
I have not felt
That buzz of electricity
In years
So much so
I thought my phone was vibrating
And un-disappointedly
It wasn’t

This current
Old, ancient
Feels scary, but right
And it might be my imagination
Or just my superstition
But things feel right
Slowed down, mellow
Giving an old fellow
Who lost himself in fields and meadows
Of doubts, fears and
The sheer insanity that is a
Deep, sensitively-thinking mid
The time to catch up
And feel for the first time
In years

That things are ok
There are no more hidden meanings
And very little fine-print
Where any experience is brought to the table
Has, in some way, value;
A means of benefiting yourself
And those around you

But eyes that blue
That was just you
I come rolling over the hills again
winds howling
air electric
with the sound of lighting crackling
and the boom of thunder behind,
always at a false-start
and the rain!
what rain?
this pouring stream of water
falling, falling, falling
till it soaks the ground
removes the dirt from years of hiding,
revealing the truth, the true nature
of what lies underneath

The seas are tubulent now
as the waves fold, twist, bend,
mould themselves into
monstrous waves  racing move across the sea
making boats dance like drunken sailors
if you could call it dancing at all;
as if a chef is icing a cake, but never
brings it quite
smooth enough

Everything is soaked, waterlogged
freezing,
the wind blows past
children hide close to their parents
while others look on eagerly, trying to guess
where the next bolt will strike.
The dog howls and barks at the storm
but it's no use;

For I am not intimidated
for I am much louder
for I can bring
much more furry.

My winds have been around the globe,
blowing through valleys, meadows, forests and grasslands!
My rain has washed the world clean
from fires, dirt, dust, death, debris!
My lighting has sparked the questions
on energy, life, fear and adornment!
My thunder has made you fear the god
by it's loud boom, shaking the bones within your bodies!


I am a storm
of howling winds,
pummeling rains,
thunderous clapping,
flashes of light
and unrelenting wind...


....and I am feared
only cared for and adored from a far
for I am to much for any man
even Lady Nature herself
could ever hope to handle
for only a few have the courage
to reach my Eye,
but even fewer of you would be willing to stay
within this storm
in this world were man
loves the sunshine,
sand
and
sea.
I am dying
(big whoop
Everyone is)
No no,
You don’t understand
I
Am
Dying
(once again, big whoop)

Doesn’t seam to matter
Any of the words I say
No matter how much I shout or scream
Everyone stays at bay
Because ‘your moods
Make you so unapproachable
My son’
That’s not the most
Supportive thing family
Can say
But they’ve told me worse
My favourite one was ‘monster’
And that’s the one
I mostly
Relate to


Stay caged
Because the outside world
Is so unforgiving;
People remember your mistakes
More than the good times shared
People just like seeing you
Ground down
Protecting themselves
Behind fake ‘happy’ smiles
Over- inflamed egos and *******
They don’t have the ***** to say
Or talk about
Relatable, though never understandable
I mean
Not even these words make sense
Any-more

Enough
I am dying
From a disease you’ll never see
Because I’ve been wise
No,
Cunning
Enough to not be in the system that long
Or dumb enough
To think that I can win on my own
And I mange, or rather
I use to manage
Till it gets too much
And all I’ve worked so hard
To be able to stand up daily
Crumbles beneath me
Though, frankly
I had others
Once
But they don’t last;
No one will sacrifice
Their God-given time or energy
To help you pick yourself up
When they’re already moving
- so many suicides
Could have been prevented
Through understanding and communication;
Basic human functions and needs
But no, lets not talk
Lets drown our emotions
With some ****

So I slowly erode
Daily
Down into this black abyss
I don’t want to take my own life
But if I must
I hope I don’t miss
Any of the vitals;
And I pray I go quick
Because this sickness
Immobilises me
I mean
Most of you know I’m weird
A ****** up nerd
With a messed up perspective on life
A history written in
Beatings, tears, insults, pain, broken promises
And blood; so much blood
Because that’s all this disease allows me
To remember; my past
Is nothing but a big, empty dark room
Were light is there for a flicker
Before it is snuffed out
Tortured by memories
I’ve begged countless times not to remember
The older I get now
The more things hurt
I yearn for stability
When nothing is set in stone

And as strong as I am
It eventually gets to me too
I cycle
Between being weak
Or strong
But I have grown tired;
I have forgotten
That life is suppose to be fun
Just no one wants to have fun
No one stays when things get hard
No one tries to understand
No one fights for anyone
We’ve devalued everything
Every single thing
That makes life fun, magical
Worth experiencing and living
Because it’s so easy
To give into those dark thoughts
And lock yourself up in that dark room
Where it’s all nice and warm
But so very lonely
I
do not remember
the warmth
of another body
and
my understanding and perception
of love
has all
but
been changed
though time and experience,
yet my memory,
which is my own
has no recollection of it.
It's blank.
A scary thing to feel
to see those truly touched by love
and you're to wonder
where's mine?
what's wrong with me?
where is my piece of happiness?

It comes again,
slowly seeping in
and in honesty,
it *****
the limited warmth away
I'm not talking about
what genuinely makes me happy
for you see, I'm an addict of love
an addict caught without his drug
whom has sacrificed himself
to changes different loves bring
till eventually
I lost myself
in the intoxication of
drugs and hormones,
burning myself out

....or rather,
I should say that's what I was
I have come to terms
not just with my flaws
but what's the main problem
down deep in my core
to why
there is never any satisfaction
as to why
what I crave is
the warm embrace of support when the world turns against you
that happy smile that lights up your day
eyes that send you to another universe if you stare at them long enough
the gentle touch that calms the nerves and steadies your aim
the sweet kisses that momentarily stop time
those moments of admiration at the little imperfections
that one spot on their body that you claim as your own
the secrets and little details no one ought to know
the pride felt when the other succeeds
cause you know all the tears wept to get that far

Because you can only fight on your own for so long
and the kind helping hand of a friend
can only hold, lift, carry and heal
so much

That is why I weep
why I can't feel
and why love
is still something
I don't understand
for I
have no memories of it at all
and yet it's still what I crave

I think this is what happens
when you've been alone
for this long
I knew
From the moment I saw you
that everything would change

I knew
That loving you would make me vulnerable
in ways I never though possible

I knew
That your strength, love and support
would get me though the tough times

I knew, you were the best thing to ever happen to me


But,
I knew
that one day I'd **** things up
that one day I'd slip and all this would be over
that one day I'll be nothing more than a  bad memory
that one day I'll just be another mistake,
a flawed chapter in your life

I knew.
The wind's howling
and the temperature now
keeps slowly slowly falling
to the point were
you're ex's heart
might be considered warm

What?
You don't believe me?
Well,
I don't blame you
because frankly,
I don't believe myself
Behold;
a conversation

How can I?
When my own mind is filled with delusions
Lies and haunting horrors of the past?
What am I saying,
I have long-since gotten over that baggage
I am not my past, but my present and my future
and those who judge me by the past
can forever exist in it!

However, I feel that...

I don't have any friends
it's true; all I have are sunflowers
who bask collectively in the sun's golden light
reaching high for their aspiration
and never look down to see
the dirt they've dug themselves in
or ether side to their fellow plant
with odd-looking creatures
coming by to **** their color dry
whilst enhancing their rainbow of colors
all aimed to shine the most amongst themselves and the flowers
because most are only in it for themselves,
their own personal gains where they're ego's are messaged
gently stroked, grown and nestled
and because doing this
feels good and keeps them safe

I will never be loved
how can I? look at me
look at the filth I'm covered it
observe
the dark, heavy, tear-soak sandbags under the eyes
the tired, but stiff shoulders
the back straight with tension
and a slight tremor
from anxiety
notice
the weight-loss from  the depression
and how insomnia
causes blood-shot eyes
dizziness and loss of balance

I will never be happy
when deep inside
all there is is darkness and gloom
hidden under layers
of canvases painted with water-colors
that are slowly washed away with every rainy season
and watch as in time
as each layer is washed and removed
reveals
the dark, thick, heavy sludge
that is my world
(this is the part were most
are ether too scared to come near and run
others simply turn and leave
and worst of all
they watch you slowly melt and fall
while they feed of your pain and misery)

I will never be accepted
and this existence is much less than expected
they will judge, criticize, scrutinize
your ever imperfection, dent, cut, bruise
curl, wave, volume, curves
because the world demands
that those that shine too bright
need to be dampened
for others
can't shine so bright

'Let them in'
a voice whispers
'let them in, they won't bat an eye
they see a light
in the darkness that you don't see.
Just open and they'll come,
it's O.K to be scared
to expose that most vulnerable part of yourself
because in that part of yourself
you find,
yourself'

And so I did
I opened my doors,
smiled, gave a bow
and waited for them to come inside.

But no one did.
I've been gong through a rough period recently in which, as it can be seen, my mentality has not been the sanest.....this is the result of my pain
I resigned
my spirit is now broken
my heart torn
my will, my drive
was once gone, but now
must be forced out
from deep within myself
and my body hurts in places
that I did not know possible
but then again,
do you even care?

I resigned
because I had enough
because I hated
what I was being turned into
because I disserve better
because I am better
and will not allow myself to be
grinded down and moulded
to your liking
to suit your cause

I resigned
for my life and mental health
are worth so much more
than your apologies
or your pity; neither serve me any purpose
I saw how you change people
what promises you simply state
but you only tease from high above
our goals, through you
simply dangling from a string, toying with us
to strip us bare
to make us
mouldable
for by losing, sacrificing, abandoning
what makes us, 'us'
we jump higher for you
to reach your expectations of us
and lose ourselves in the process

I resigned
I think I've said this before
I still feel that it's a dream,
all the years of hard work
now really
account to nothing
for I was eluded that I
could be something more
.....
.....
the saddest part?
I  was and still am
already something
just not your 'thing'

I resigned
the only downside
is knowing that I could have made it
for I have supported so many others
and I now watch them go far
floating on the horizon
without a second glace back
but sadly, my good nature
has not been returned
It's a shame that a tank that supports others
doesn't get the support back
for they simply assume all is well
because he's a tank

But I also blame you
for I remember a time when my friends
were my friends
were we laughed at how pointless things were
the simple things brought us the most joy
and time was simply something to be used wisely
for it is in short supply
so you spend it all on your friends
.....
.....
but you broke most of my friends
they are now self-absorbed in themselves
like horses with shades on
oblivious to the world around them
they walk over anyone and anything
to get their way
and if you're not part of their agenda,
not someone they can use to gain from
or a hand to stroke that ego
well.....

I'll be alright
I may have lost the fight
but believe me
I'm built for this kind of war
I'm just glad to be out

Before I could no longer recognise myself.

**
"She has left port!"
at first, thought was
"This is a dream"
but on closer inspection, it was not
she had been commandeered
by the one everyone keep never-near
and was sailing fast towards the horizon
and all that could be done was watch
as a Baldboy sailed off laughing
his voice booming across the sea...
J
J
Being an only child;
I’ve never had a brother
And to be called that
Means
We have the same mother?
No; not rightly so
Because brothers don’t leave each other
To face the storm alone
Such love isn’t conditioned;
I am not some drug-fix
To your unbearable guilt and loneliness
That you hope through me
Your ego can recompense
For the sins so horribly committed;
You hide the eyes for those
Who witnessed it!

So don’t you come ‘brother’-ing me
To have such a title;
You’re just a face in the crowd
A vice in the shroud
Of insecurities and deep personal fears
And I’m not around for you
Just to pull me near
Because you fear yourself
When no one is near;
I am feared
And it’s much better than respected
You don’t know half-a-life
Of being neglected
By the very womb
that birthed you!

Now you respect me?
Now you know you ****** up?
Now you bow your head
Now that my cup is full -
Overflowing past the rim
Below it a pool that I’ll force your head under
To slurp up the mess
While you beg for mercy
I’ll rest my foot on your head
To make sure you remain
Thirsty

I dare you to try and straighten
I really
Really
Do
I’ve survived for years in this country
And I’ll be dame if I can’t
Out-survive you
The chaos I painstakingly
Daily, weekly, monthly, yearly
Contain

I’m an *******
No;
I am The *******
Who’ll force a needle in your vain
And watch the life drained from you
While you shake, seize and squeal

Because shadows are for cowards
Who can’t face the real;
My mother raised a gentleman
In a sea filled with boys
But life make me a monster
And that fills me with joy
For now it is felt;
The power beneath the belt
Not enough to make heat melt
For no throne can support me
- it’ll probably melt

I suggest you keep your crown on your left
And your sword on your right
Your army behind you
And your queen
Begging me for mercy
Infront of you

Because
‘brother’
One day, I’ll come for you
As I’ve already done so before
I’ll just patiently wait for you
To step out of line
I’ll make sure on the surface
That everything looks fine
But you’ll feel it;
Judgement
And I’ll smell your fear

But then again
You already stink of it
So
Any day now
…..
I was informed a few weeks/months ago that according to a once-friend/fellow artist that I, quote, "am a *******".
Luckily, I've had this written last year
The knight hides behind a rock, catching his breath
the armour he wears feels warm against his skin
he can smell burning flesh and hair
but thankfully
if you can see things in that way
he's still alive

The dragon paces, smelling the air
his prey is small, weak and easy
feels like a sport
with the cave full of nooks and crannies to explore
fuelled by the anticipation of the hunt

The knight slowly crawls as quietly as he can
he must get behind it, take advantage of it's blind-spot
the shadows are now his friend
until they betray him in flashes of red and orange

The dragon isn't having fun any more
he sets his surroundings ablaze
smashing every stone it can reach
it knows it hasn't gotten his prey
then where is it?

Little does the dragon know
how right it is
for this little fellow
must now steady is fits

For behind his, he is
and waits for that one mistake to happen
You will never be good enough
But you will be expected
To still try your best

You are always perceived as incapable
But you are still expected
To keep up with the rest

You will always be nothing
But when you’re in social circles
You must always appear to be something

You will never have time
But you are expected
To always, somehow, make time

You will always bring shame
And you are wasting your time
To gain someone’s esteem/approval

You will always be a mistake
But the universe is never balanced
And perfection is an illusion

Your depression will always haunt you
The grey cloud hangs at a constant
But optimism will shine through

Your anxiety will always hold you back
But it is wrong and you know this;
It’s simply a question of belief

You can never trust anyone
But saying this brings disbelief
For you know the truth

They will try to manipulate you
To break you to their will;
But you can destroy your oppressors

You will never be rich
Always crawling from scraps off the table
But wealth comes in many forms

This exhaustion will never leave
And in time, it’ll get worse
But your abilities’ vigorous strength will prevail

You will always be needy
For after all, you’re only human
And prosperity is our collective right

They will project things onto you
Because they are too weak themselves;
Don’t forget your true self

Once given, you will always be an addict
For they don’t know the struggle and only judge
Don’t detract them; their biases lack reason

They’ll always call you a monster
Lazy humans desperately cling to the past;
They forget that the worst monsters are humans

Your expectations will always be shattered
The mind’s perfection is hard to overcome
But impossibility is much more enjoyable

Your gifts will be used and abused
For some fear natural talent
It will hurt; but also inspire

You will be loved conditionally
As long as you do, act and say what’s expected;
Show them indifference, not animosity

They will criticize you
On every little detail that make you you
But their approval shouldn’t concern you

You will be a disappointment
Because you don’t live by their rules
But your achievements are all for you

They will demand your respect
Because their titles are their only power
But don’t fall onto their bad manners

The intolerant will be racist
For fearing is easier than understanding;
Such biases should be meet with tolerance

They will compete against you
For some, being the best is more important
But there is harmony in sympathetic surrender

You will feel angry
Because life isn’t fair for us all;
There is delight in calmest simplicity

They will always want to be right
Because how dare you know more than me
They lead to immorality; the belief they are never wrong

They will tell you their opinion
And talk down to you in the process
Because only the weak try to rule the strong
The day has arrived
Much heavily awaited
For their sounds have been baited
Though our friends, Facebook, YouTube
Till we're forced to move
Simply from the good vibes
That the night somewhat promises to us

The night has arrived
Slow, people start to come
individually at first
Then, the crowd gathers
Eagerly waiting for the doors to open
The doors of heaven or hell
Two extremes that society has though us
"The songs of Satan", that's
what I was thought techno was
And that these
'songs of Satan'
Are for druggies, junkies
And those lost souls
Whom have given up on life

They were so wrong.
So juvenile
So conservative
There aren't lost souls
How can the be?
They hunger for life, to live
A chance to chase the rabbit,
not to hunt it,
But for the fun of the hunt
That rush, that excitement
How can they be lost to life?
Granted though,
Shady deals are made
With those who can provide the escape
And what did you expect?
For you see, where we're going,
Only a select few among us
Not gifted or special, but
Simply daring to
travel down that path to the unconscious,
to bring these demons to consciousness.

And face them in the dark
A darkness that's never silent

The light! It's on!
The rust to get in, to escape
This is by far not an addiction
But a drive for one's satisfaction
As the thumping, rhythmic treble
And the bone-shaking baseline
Get louder and stronger the nearer you get
Till you're inside,
greeted
Only by the comfort of the collective dark
And the sound slowly shakes your senses lose
And, with drugs to booth
You dive

Your body slowly
Repeats it's rhythmic steps
Through the vibrating rhythm
Faces start to blur
As you drop deeper and deeper
As that satisfaction for your vices
Slowly gets satisfied
Whether it's MJ, Coke, Mandy, Pills, Nicotine, Alcohol, Anything! or Sobriety
You slowly move your centre
Ether further in or out
Of focus  

And then, you're in; in that moment
You feel
Detached in your own world, yet connected with those around you
The DJ
Becomes the worlds safest puppet master
Your friends
The good vibes you vibrate off
The drugs
Simple tools to feel what life has numbed you from feeling
The darkness
The safe space where your true nature can come out
The baseline
Your guide of your oscillating frequency
And the melody
To which your mind latches onto as it sways in and out of focus
When everything's aliened
That little spot within yourself vibrates, buzzes
And, through blur, tear-filled eyes
the crowd moves in one unified frequency.

All at peace.
All calm.

All willing to feel,
And never go numb

The stress leaves
Worries, pain, problems
Slowly melt away
Along with your spinal fluid
but
as quickly as it starts

It stops.

The night passes in a blur
The lights are on
The darkness abolished
And you feel your insides
Slowly being demolished
From the exhaustion and the strain
Of hours of non-stop movement

And yet, what is this I feel?
This....vibe
it goes on
As if someones' hit that switch
and it's stuck, always on
Until once again, that itch
To return to the darkness , not for fun
But for peace,
For giving up that control

And trusting that tonight
The DJ will send you on their own unique journey
And all you and your friends have to do
Is hang on.

"You come inside one way, but I can guarantee you'll come out different"
A deep and sincere thanks to one of the greatest clubs in the Maltese islands, it's deep and heavily connected social network and to all those who, like me, have come to know the place as their 2nd home.
My life starts as a simple seed
but even then I'm hunted and destroyed
but if I'm allowed to grow
allowed to bloom
through caring hands
the most beautiful flowers that
you have ever seen
emerge filled with medicine
to help those in need

My flowers are dried
and cut down to size
they now glow so beutifuly
under the light, as if they're coated
with a sugary, white mist
that slowly cracks and sticks together
between your fingers

Before consumption, my flowers are admired
a small respect to nature is held
then, they're roasted, cooked with or grinded
each having their own unique
smell, taste and texture
each providing their own
unique stimulation

All you need is a little bit
one bite, ****, hit or bowl
let my flowers
fill your soul
remove your pain
still your mind
free you moentarily
from the hassle and bussle
that this stressful life brings

But never fear
cause no matter how far down
within yourself you may go
reality
is only a little sip
away
and sleep only
one
comfortable position
away
I never knew my father
All I have are photos
the name I was told that belonged to him
and nothing more, nothing less.

I yearned to know him, but I couldn't
Life didn't provide me with the opportunity
to do so and yet, even as I grow old,
I know that it was a bridge that I needed to burn
One which I know I can't go back from.

And yet, in a way, I know him
I see him in myself and
as I let go of what was
and could have been
I slowly remember him
the efforts he gave
his gentle touch
that he tried to care
that he tried to love
but still, it wasn't enough

All I have now are these new
repressed memories
from where they come from
I don't know
and I don't know
if they're real or not

But sadly,
I hold onto these memories
because that's all I have
of him.
Yesterday
I was told that my
'moods'
makes life much more difficult for some
makes things much more challenging
as if I enjoy being constantly numb
and feeling the time of aging
slowly pass me by

*******
seriously, from the darkest and most hated part of myself
****
you
and I do deeply apologies to myself
for I have made a fatal error
and have been taken for a fool
in thinking that you'd realize
that these 'moods'
are out of my control
as if I pre-plan
to wake up depressed or anxious
to walk out of my room
barely getting enough rest
from the constant demand of
'being the beast'

I guess you think I find it enjoyable
to spend days in bed
to lose all my self-worth
even quicker than blood oozes from a cut
and yet you yourself
would never come near
to wreak in the stench
of sweat, tears and fear
because, God forbid
my contagiousness spreads

As if I enjoy
being constantly on edge
ready to blow up
because I know I'm messed up
so much so
that my own mother
considers me a ****-up
a complete let down and disappointment
that's considered to be resentment

It's a sad world we live in
when half of us dream of living
and yet, we're anchored in place
while we watch in horror as the world
together as one takes flight
while we're left in the dark alone

You have never stood beside me
and saw this dark and gloomy
world of mine from my own eyes
I know now, you'll never stand by me
and the day that I decide to go, you'd be the one
to cry the most
at least, deep down
that's what I hope
for it's those who cry the hardest
that carry the most guilt

And yet the darkest, saddest
most humiliating truth
is that there's someone else
we both know
suffers like me
and all you've ever shown them
was sympathy
what humility
for me to reduce myself to such a level
to think that you'd care the same way
for me as you care for her
because it's her pain
that you are willing to bear
whilst for me,
my own flesh and blood
runs to the hills in fear

I should have expected this
yes, shame on me
because we both know
that this has been done before:
God
didn't want to taint himself with the sins of man
so instead
he sent his son
As a kid, I always believed in heroes
but not in the flashy capes
those epic team-ups
or fiery explosions
but in doing what's right
doing what's just
doing what to me, fundamentally
make us human

I never set out to save the world
it's too big, too crazy and too loud
to minimize, control, silence,
save
'So then just save your world'
that's what was once told to me
and so that's what I set out to do

And that's what I did
I aimed to save everyone
one step, one punch,
one more epic motion
at a time, your very presence
the change that ignites the atmosphere
giving hope to win!
....and for a while, it worked
I saved him, her, them and others
gave my 100% and beyond
**** to my injuries!
**** to my scars!
**** my short-comings!
they need me! I must go!
in my mind, in my eye
it was worth it

What no one told me though
what those cartoons never showed
is the price of being a hero
how
the joints ache from carrying the weight of other's shoulders
how every punch now shakes your bones
your legs get weak from the constant rising of others and that very weight now feels heavier every time
how your head constantly throbs from all your short-comings and how those very short comings keep you awake at night
how the screams, the tears, the horror, the pain you see
leach onto your soul like your very own weakness
how in time you loose a part of yourself
to serve, love and protect those that are less than you
how you constantly walk that fine line
between being human, an animal
and being
super

But
the darkest part of being a hero
is yourself, your own mind
and how that is the one part of being a hero
the hero constantly fights
....and the chances of back-up coming to help
is nowhere in sight

If I'd know all this before,
I would have never become a hero
because in the end
no one ever saves a hero,
thanks is given half-halfheartedly and as quickly
as it happens, the moment is forgotten,
others are busy making
blockbuster-movies
and your biggest villain
is always
yourself
N
N
I still remember the first time I saw you
so much so
I hope in the future
to have it surgically removed

I still remember how you looked at me
from the first time
the look on your face
was that of a man
who had not seen the sun after months of darkness
the the last time
of fear, anger, hate
and praying that death would take me

I was a nobody
scratch that
I still am a nobody
and till this day
I question what somebody
like you
saw or has seen
in me
Hello again
we had once meet before
when I was a different kind of man
the kind that wore a mask on their face
to hide his true self from the world

I am now a fragile man, laid to bear
the curses of his punishments
for the sins that he committed
that haunt his soul still
for he was not himself

But now I've changed
I've suffered though the pains and the hardships
to make myself whole again
I've endured countless sleepless nights
the pains in the joints
the loss of the mind to insanity
and the insecurity of being unloved

And yet, nothing has changed
even though I have, the world around me
remained the same
"Onward!"
Shouts a voice through the rubble, dirt and fire
I can only hear the sound, but not see.
The dirt in my eyes now
layered as thick
as the make-up girls wear back home
yet, through all this,
through the shaking of the earth
the fires that burn everywhere
and the flying metals
that wish to taste the inside of my skull
I feel the touch of a hand I know
my friend, my comrade
Whom, out instict
out of conditioning
pushed me into the ground
protecting me
as hell licks past
at frightening speed
and, angry at not finding it's target
rains down the earth
from which a tongue of hell
for a very brief moment
can be seen.
________________

Hidde­n in a tree
the hawk lies perched
while looking down through his God's eye
slow at breath, waiting, calculating
his feathers keeping him warm,
sheltering him from the wind
waiting for his pray to cross his sight.

________________

He pulls at me to rise
such courage, such pride
but the earth wants to hold on to me,
'it's safer down here,
bowed under the dirt'
becoming part of the earth
and yet,
out of will
out of luck
out of fear of becoming
a sitting duck
I drag myself over the ledge
and run after him

________________

The Hawk never liked war
the wasted, useless killing
There's no fun here
if you can consider this as sport!
but more of the idiots
the juvinaials
those who have given up on life
go to be wasted, dead or eradicated from the surface
'like these two' he thinks to himself
as he spots two running across to a covering
the furthest one, the bravest
has some courage, some spite for war
and as he lines the shot
for a good, clean ****...
_________________

­If you told me it was a magic trick
I swear I would have believed you
As in the thickens of that fog
between the roar of thunder that made the earth move
the quick and blinding light from the explosion
in the uncertainty of that moment
as if the earth swallowed him whole
my friend
vanished
In a fountain of red, bone and minced meat
and for a few seconds, I'm stuck in place

___

The Hawk, hardened by war
though slightly moved by witnessing such a horror,
exhales from what his God's eye has shown him
adjusts and inhales
lines the shot, a stationary target
the perfect target
takes a long, deep breath
holds it and with it
displaces himself as far from his humanity
for what he must do
or rather was brainwashed to do
is surly anything other than human
an animal instinct run rampant
the talon slowly contracts a milimiter
around the trigger
the gun spits fire, smoke
and a piece of hot lead
zooms towards it's target
listening to the summoning of death
as it moves through the air
with the intention
of helping gravity pull the target
closer to the ground
and one step closer to hell
As a child
I was once told
'Take a picture
It will last much longer'

Little did I know
back when I was so little
that a picture
in and over time
slowly fades away

Now that I'm older
I know that memories
those special ones
don't.
I think I've found my new addiction
I think I've found my calling
this things that I have been yearning
to fill my life with light

I am and always will be an artist
that I know for certain
but this thing that I've been yearning for
might, finally, have found home

I'll probably go deaf because of it
but in the scheme of things,
it's worth it
I have always been an artist
and now, finally
my spark is lit
I want a hug
'cause these drugs ain't enough
to keep these demons at bay
sleeping on a bed of hay
poking through the sheets
making it hard to sleep
pains occurring at random
all phantom
but surreal
detached from reality
but all I feel, this is real

Just making an observational acknowledgement
For I fear that all this might not be incomplete yet
Error, hmm, seams like an error
within' the system
I should go down and probably fix this
beep error
hmm, but I could care less

Deafening silence
I can't get by like this
just thinking about it
has me shivering in fits
there's no bliss
just remorse
followed by the devilish vocals
of a heavenly courous
****, this ****'s labourous

Maybe end it all?
just another one with bad luck
in society who took the fall?
I don't really care at all
pop some aderall
to numb what's little left in me
so I don't feel anything at all
and yet the pain keeps creeping
the untouchable part of my mind
that just begging me to die
to stop my heart,
not that it does anything more
than beating
times fleetin'
reality starts seeping
the pain's got you weeping
creeping up,
the needs' so ****** up
delusion of pain
like ****** or *******
injected straight to the vain
to end up
so ****** up
and washed up
with no prospects
and no future investments
what's the point of stopping
for a rest then?
- messing up
when did it all go down hill
and get so ****** up?
what happened to the simpler times?
what happened to the times
we'd sit back as spit rhymes?
Non-existant
evolution comes with it's own
system of countermeasures
like sudden fleeting feats of pleasure
the more intense
the hotter
the better
fusion and contustion
splices by the fires of delustion
or so it seams
voices seams to say that
somethings missing
this beep
error
still isn't getting better
there's a missing link within the system
get that fixed son
broken social interaction
what's this infraction?
how could somethings so
-error-
not trigger a reaction?

Laborious
Fatherless
carrying nothing more or less
regardless,
ingesting words of my victims
fear me
cause that's how the world's been programmed to see
me

but i digree
this is not what i do best
this isn't me
regarless
taking off this vest
I'm tired
exhausted
burnt out and done
tired of screming
at the top of my
lungs
the war has been wage
and the battle heavily fought
and what I was once loosing
now I have lost

So
now
I wait
and prey, or rather hope
that our childhood fantasies
miracles, dreams, wishes
do exist

'Cause I could sure use one right now
There's a demon that's inside of me
contained in it all the fury
that I'd won't be myself
without 'me'
It draws me nearer to the darkness
that dark edge
honestly, I'd rather be without
and yet I can't confabulate
how I'd survive without it
but once you mess with it,
I get triggered
here comes the real ******
just like in the movies
can you move *****, please?

Go ahead and laugh
let's pause of a minute
and think about
the tragic downfall
of the good boy gone bad
cause now he's mad
and he acts like a gangster
crates a barrier that people get phased off
by no means a show off
too ******* to get off
this ***** and it's ****** up
too bad and in reality,
it's not so sad
that the greater the good of the heart
the more pain and darkness
tears it apart
to feel something that produces so much warmth
stop, freeze and grow cold

The world looses another golden stone
bonds broken and I never thought
I'd find a home away from home
between four walls of thorn up plaster
like a humble slave begging for a master
to please, spare the souls of the ******
to make way from the release of this pain
**** drives you insane
like a heart attack
some though they'd cure
with more *******
wearing a bulletproof vest
and it still finds a vein
what this **** puts me through
would turn anyone else insane!

Way past the other side
so far off the human spectrum
it's a daily struggle to get by
while bones break
I don't need to be woke
when I'm awake!
Heaving myself up **** creek
the future is so bright and distant
it seams bleak
all I hear now is silence
no matter what happens,
I got no choice but to get by this
back to past-tense:
where are my defenses?

This is by no means a cry for help
I can clearly deal with this **** myself
I got no choice
all ships that mourned and port
are now distant specks on the horizon
off looking for other prizes.....
......

I'm just lost for words
how this **** still hurts
how having expectations leads
to furious damnation
and broken promises
shattered without care or affection
who ordered this human damnation?
the need to bond with a fellow human
that's only expressed though insemination?
does anyone else understand this frustration?
this contemplation's
got me so confused and frustrated
it's given me constipation
and at this rate
**** the human race
it moves so fast
that even they can't keep pace!

****** them all!
'what a show off?'
yea, **** it
at least I get off
and share a bit of this pain
a burden for all to bear
the death of a baby sheep
no longer make me weep
or bring mourning
the morning rays
are so painful, it's appalling
it's so painful to see the morning
with all these feelings from my heart
keep pouring onto this oriental carpet
of Indian design
watching the blood soaks the rag
at the speed of time
bleeding fast
going out cold
whilst leaving a mess
my body turns to stone
and it's all over
sound off,
light out
peace and ******* *******!

I'm out.
Caught in this endless loop
Repetitive, redundent
Grinding out what's left
Challenging this beating heart
To see if it has anything left

Still got no hope left
Heart still beating
I can feel it in my chest
So drained out
I'm washed up
So feed up
I won't eat grub
Cold ankles and joints ackig
Back breaking
Always debating
Whether this world
Is worth it for
It's taking

'I don't want to live anymore
I want to die!'
Strikes fear in the hearts
Of people like you and I
Between the cold self and human help
That shiver is felt
Rocks the ages
Changes paces'
Challenging the question
'are you insane man?'
Then comes the whole list
Of positive vibes
Hoping to turn your life around
Or ask for help
(but know
It's all bull
And even if it'
Not true
You're still shook)

Escapism
Helping to shine a light
In this void of a
Cataclysm
The black hole of
Go or no go
But the problem is
'What's the point of escaping to a world where yours is shuttier than it?'
There seams to be this strange
calmness that comes after a storm
The shaking in my hand is now gone
my breath is slow, deep and easy
my strength remains weak and depleted
to the point that I stumble on my feet,
and yet
I still raise and straighten
and take hold of my vessels' wheel
and direct it away from the storm

The dark clouds that once hung over me
blocking the warm, loving rays of the sun
now are behind me, a part of my recent
but soon to be distant past

The water is calmer now, clear
it gleams like a sailors image of paradise at sea
as smooth as silk, reflective as glass
I pinch myself to see if I'm dreaming!

As I rest at the stern and watch
as the clouds that still thunder and flash
I come to terms that, eventually
another storm will come again
and I have to be ready
"My boat is tough"
I think to myself and I know this is true
"A captain is only as good as his ship"
whispers a voice of Wisdom into my ear
but the captain needs rest

Hence
I drop anchor in this peace of paradise.
and as I strip and jump into the water
I realise
things aren't so bad.
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