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Nov 2021 · 23
Can You Hear It?
Can you hear it?
Can you hear it?
Can you hear it?

The screeching wail
Of the banshee coming
From somewhere
Up there
Out there
Screaming on her way
Back down to earth

Can you hear it?

Of course you can’t
While your universe,
Not world,
Is shaken from it’s roots
And the ground beneath you
Once solid, instantly
Feels like sand

Can you hear it?

The silence after the banshee passes
As the rubble settles and the dust slowly clears

Can you hear it?

The cries of children
Mothers
Fathers
Sisters
Brothers
And loved ones

Can you hear it?

The tapping and screaming
From inside the rubble

Can you hear it?

The life
Leaving

Can
You
Hear
It?

Of course not;
Because this is their problem,
Not yours
Feb 2021 · 91
The Birds and the Bees
Isn’t it interesting
How in the absence of light
There is darkness?
How hunger
Signifies the need to eat
How thirst
Indicates one needs a drink
How no fuel
Doesn’t move your car
How no money
Means you have no value
And how words on paper
Can touch and move your soul?

What’s more interesting
Than all this
Is how we are drawn to the light
How we eat to stop hunger
We drink to cut our thirst
A full tank makes us drive faster
And money can buy happiness
Whilst poetry
Can melt your icy heart

So….
Why do we consume?
Why is it we
See the world as an object?
Why is everything to us a possession?
Why must we compete - to pointlessly
Be better than one another?
What’s with this drive
To stand out from the crowd
When a man standing on his own
Will never be as strong
Or as loud
As a crown that stands together?

Why be on top?
If you ask any woman
Or man, it’s simple
Power equals control
A game of *******
For in that instance
You have become a possession
And once that happens
You have lost all your value
Not right away of course
But slowly in time
Because that’s how to properly
Consume and break a human
Slowly - the slower the better
And they will slowly crack and give in
Giving you their all
And accept that now
They are your property
Worse
In the final act
The secret move
The magic trick you never see coming
For 1 - 2 - 3
Abra -go-****-yourself
And they pull the carpet
From beneath your feet
By the time you’re standing
They’re gone
You’ve been dumped
On the side of the road
Like a used ******

Worse still
They would keep you close
Act like nothing is wrong
Smile at you
And as they speak
You read between the lines
‘I have replaced you’

Now you may think
This poem is about
The birds and the bees
But you are wrong
For
When you have friends like these
Who needs enemies?
Jan 2021 · 70
For Now
Love is one
Extraordinary painkiller
Gentle in it’s touch
Addictive in it’s sensation
Just the thought
Induces constipation

You see
I’m not talking
About the love you see
In movies or series
That dictate to you
What you should expect
From life
Let alone love

Not the love
That’s as addictive
As morphine
Or worse still, ******;
The withdrawals from that kind of life
Will scar your heart
Taint your soul
Change you
Break you
For depending
On this kind of love
Will make a fool
Of you both

And no,
Not even self-love
To hell with that
Honestly
How big must you swing
For it to ring
in you
That you’re aiming
For a dream
- a socially-imposed ideal;
To love yourself more
Than anyone else
Can or should?

Let me cut to the chase
For I believe I have stung you
And wasted enough of your time
What I’m talking about
It the love
That makes time stand still
Where details are most noticeable
Where tenderness is expressed
Through the most gentle of caresses
The crevasse of your madness
The blissful playground
That another's love
Turns the worse of nights
To day

The kind of love
That doesn’t come from above
And can’t be shared
Or shoved
Down the throats of most media

Sadly
Most haven’t experienced such love
And most have only viewed it
On media

For now.
Jan 2021 · 69
Friendly Advice
It seams to me
That the darker your skin
The less people take you seriously
They won’t look within
Or past the pigmentation
And they get mad at you
When it gives others temptation
They’ll say we’re just tools
Things on legs
With gigantic knobs
They’ll treat us like mad dogs
And call us lazy when we’re tired
And try and suppress us
When the masses start admiring
These mad dogs on a loose
While they tighten that nose
And call us savages
While if in the same situation,
They would do the same
If not worse
And claim that these ******
Are home wreckers
Because we don’t have the money
To protect our name
Or wealth

How depressing
When you consider
That man’s best friend; the dog
Is a domesticated wolf
And aggressive animal
That willingly broke itself
To be controlled by man
Still looks at other dogs
And considers them their own
Regardless of size, shape or color
Or if they share
The same mother or father

And to think that man
Would create such a divide
When they’re best friend
Is right there by their side
And they expect it to learn
From every word they say
But they won’t look through their friends eyes
The same way
Jun 2020 · 648
Go back to your country!
Go back to your country!
- I was first told this by the age of 2
Back then,
I wasn’t able to tie my own shoe
But still,
I knew even back then
That this would become
A returning trend

Go back to your country!
- Note: it’s rude to say this to guests
A visitor in your own home
Should feel safe and conformable
Not scared and uneasy

Go back to your country!
- but if you want us to go back
Why do you keep your door open?
Why boast about your
National kindness and hospitality
This is recurring theme
In this countries history!

Go back to your country!
- wait
Are you seriously intimidated by me?
Does this simple pigment make you feel uneasy?
Are my beliefs really that alien to you?
….or are you saying you feel better
Knowing that someone somewhere
Has it worse than you?

Go back to your country!
- hell no
Are you saying that you
Feel comfort in knowing
That you’re sending me to war?
To starve to death?
To hear my children
Cry themselves to sleep
Or to death?
That sending my family back
Would mean
We’d all get rapped
Butchered and used
And displayed across your T.V screens
Ghax is-suwed slvagg

I am a part of this country
I was raised here
I have my life, family, friends
I got my education, health, driving licence, job
Haq Alla, anke dan
Il-liba Malti taghlimt!
I have my life here
I am one of you!

But I’m still told
To go back to my country
Daily
Women still
Hold their bags closer to them
As I walk past
Fearing I’d rob them
Mothers still pull their kids closer
As I walk past
Or funnier still
The cross to the other side of the street
Little girls, or teens -
Because these days you can’t tell the difference -
Call their parents, or better yet
The police
"Ghax hawn imigrant warraja"
You can't simply walking home

Primary school children have told me
To go back to my country
On the bus, you’ve avoided
People are too scared to sit near you
And even though I think and feel
Just like any one of you
You still talk down to me
You belittle me
"Ghax dan l-iswed ma jaf xejn"

In this country
I’ve been refereed to as
Monkey man
The token black guy in the group
Xadina tal-coco pops
Haga sewda
Klandestin
Imigrant
Tifel tax-xitan
Imniggess
Bil-hmieg tad-dnubijiet
Li ghamel ommok
Ghax hi marret ma isswed

No no,
I will go back to my country
Even though I know it means my death
Your message has been heard loud and clear!
The more you push,
The less I want you near
But I won’t go by plane
How I had originally came
But by boat
So that way,
If I sink and drown
I’ll reach the bottom
And be with my people

The people who know
That life
That living
Is worth
Trying not-to die for!
Apr 2020 · 87
Snake Hunting
I slider across the ground
My scales caressing as I
Float above the problems
Of those who walk
Moving silently across any surface
Camouflaged on the ground around

I don’t love the air
But I kiss her often
To follow the scent of my prey
With my forked tongue
It’s ether here or nay
But surly,
I’ll find it soon

Slowly now
As the sun glistens across my back
Slow, steady
Every movement now is a
Crawl
My prey closed of
Against a wall

My tongue licks faster now
Both in anticipation
And for the calculation
Of my strike, if precise
It’s deadly, fatal
As is the fate of my prey

It turns it’s head to the right
From here, I could get a really good bite
I think I gave it a fright
Standing out now in this light
Roll the dice
Take a strike
And for a second
It thought it might
Get away from me

You really thought you could flee?
And mmmmmmmm
My fangs seeping in this venom

I do this to survive
But I’m still
A villain
Apr 2020 · 95
J
J
Being an only child;
I’ve never had a brother
And to be called that
Means
We have the same mother?
No; not rightly so
Because brothers don’t leave each other
To face the storm alone
Such love isn’t conditioned;
I am not some drug-fix
To your unbearable guilt and loneliness
That you hope through me
Your ego can recompense
For the sins so horribly committed;
You hide the eyes for those
Who witnessed it!

So don’t you come ‘brother’-ing me
To have such a title;
You’re just a face in the crowd
A vice in the shroud
Of insecurities and deep personal fears
And I’m not around for you
Just to pull me near
Because you fear yourself
When no one is near;
I am feared
And it’s much better than respected
You don’t know half-a-life
Of being neglected
By the very womb
that birthed you!

Now you respect me?
Now you know you ****** up?
Now you bow your head
Now that my cup is full -
Overflowing past the rim
Below it a pool that I’ll force your head under
To slurp up the mess
While you beg for mercy
I’ll rest my foot on your head
To make sure you remain
Thirsty

I dare you to try and straighten
I really
Really
Do
I’ve survived for years in this country
And I’ll be dame if I can’t
Out-survive you
The chaos I painstakingly
Daily, weekly, monthly, yearly
Contain

I’m an *******
No;
I am The *******
Who’ll force a needle in your vain
And watch the life drained from you
While you shake, seize and squeal

Because shadows are for cowards
Who can’t face the real;
My mother raised a gentleman
In a sea filled with boys
But life make me a monster
And that fills me with joy
For now it is felt;
The power beneath the belt
Not enough to make heat melt
For no throne can support me
- it’ll probably melt

I suggest you keep your crown on your left
And your sword on your right
Your army behind you
And your queen
Begging me for mercy
Infront of you

Because
‘brother’
One day, I’ll come for you
As I’ve already done so before
I’ll just patiently wait for you
To step out of line
I’ll make sure on the surface
That everything looks fine
But you’ll feel it;
Judgement
And I’ll smell your fear

But then again
You already stink of it
So
Any day now
…..
I was informed a few weeks/months ago that according to a once-friend/fellow artist that I, quote, "am a *******".
Luckily, I've had this written last year
I have grown tired of this place;
In a country
That changes it’s exterior
But it’s interior
Remains rotten and corrupt
Were people care more
About the image they portray
And
The money in their pockets
Rather than
Their own self-growth

I have come to hate this place;
Of people that hold you close
Just for their own benefit
And friendships that mean nothing
And talk and talk and talk
And action being taken
Only
When the spotlight is on them

I am exhausted;
Of dealing with this *******
Of an immature population
That refuses to grow
Or change
Or improve
Or make better
Than their ancestors
Instead
They dig and dig and dig their holes
Deeper and deeper

Now, I find myself unable
To contain my excitement or rage
When I think about leaving
About a new beginning
A complete fresh start
Were, hopefully
Things are better
Than here
Feb 2020 · 90
Broken gods
I remember a time
when friends were more honest
and none carried daggers
or knives to stab
opinions said and compromises  reached
and the future was so distant,
so bleak

But we started to grow
and realised that,
out there,
there's a lot
we don't know
we had to be loud
to make out voices heard
we started to argue
to compete for who's better
and as long as our name
is mentioned
we didn't care about the rest

We cared more about praise
and being told we've done a
good job
and with fame came power
with power comes a mob
and the ego;
cause how dare you call us
slobs
when we have proven
we're better
superior!

How boring
to wage a war over
such nuances
that lead to disagreements
and such oppressive judgements
of those with
everything to lose
vs.
nothing to gain
of those who's
voices are loud, but their minds empty
vs.
silent voices but chaotic minds-
- of those who have learnt the price
of knowledge, gifts, power
vs.
of those who hunger for it
with lustful vengeance
to rub in peoples faces
to bend them to kiss the very ground
they walk on!

Pity these simple fools
who have not learnt their lessons.

Pray they learn empathy
for other more than themselves
as they'll ***** out the fires of those
who are built differently than them.

Message their egos, gently but firmly
so they'll learn self-control
and no let their goes
overlap other's boundaries;
for it's in their nature
to consume for their own gain

Show them vulnerability
and that to error is purely human
for they believe they are gods
walking across the land

And most of all
give them love
no;
show they love
for deep down
such gods are
broken, vulnerable and neglected
believed to be cursed to walk
with bleeding wounds that
do not heal
fr they were never showed how,
held of cradled
because affection is willingly given

But to them
it never was.
Dec 2019 · 77
The King comes home
I have returned home
My time away; almost
A year of travels
Has finally come to an end
And it has been quite the eventful adventure;
I have been
Poor
Broken
Abandoned
Sober
Hungry
Tired
Exhausted and at times
Found it difficult to stand tall

But alas, now
I am home
And all that changed, but
All still looks similar
Some areas have aged
And other, well
Have disappeared completely
From this so-called ‘development’
Even my castle has changed
To accommodate for more
Modern uses

And there sits my throne
Bare, covered in dirt, dust and cobwebs
Abandoned; the poor thing
Moved into the attic
Out of the way of daily viewing
That would being soreness to many hearts
(at least I hope it would have)
A piece of furniture now
That has lost it’s significance
From it’s sheer lack of use

But I will move it
Back into place
For the weight of this throne
Is mine alone to bear and
It is heavy
For both I’s weight and significance
Echo across the halls;
To think that I would come home
And already be weighed down by these responsibilities
What price such power has on one’s body;
The responsibilities of the many
For the sacrifices of one

And I think
And think
And think
As I pull, lift and drag
This chair of mine
Up and resting it
On those 5 steps
With the sun now shining behind;
Am I doing the right thing?
Have these travels made me more suitable?
Am I wiser than the mistakes of my father?
Has all this been in vain?

I do not feel ready to rule
I do not think I am the most suited
But the whisper I hear
Of the things happening behind closed doors
Secret passages and mysterious dealings
No no, I must return
For all this is mine
And I will not
I cannot
Stand by while all turns to rubble

This chair
From this char, which
Has now been quickly cleaned and dusted
And I rest now on it, I will make right
The wrongs of my year of abandonment

The cushioning becomes absorbent and comfortable
Because power does feel good

The king is home
And he said he would be
Now come, pay your respects;
Kneel before me

For I was once one like you
You will never be good enough
But you will be expected
To still try your best

You are always perceived as incapable
But you are still expected
To keep up with the rest

You will always be nothing
But when you’re in social circles
You must always appear to be something

You will never have time
But you are expected
To always, somehow, make time

You will always bring shame
And you are wasting your time
To gain someone’s esteem/approval

You will always be a mistake
But the universe is never balanced
And perfection is an illusion

Your depression will always haunt you
The grey cloud hangs at a constant
But optimism will shine through

Your anxiety will always hold you back
But it is wrong and you know this;
It’s simply a question of belief

You can never trust anyone
But saying this brings disbelief
For you know the truth

They will try to manipulate you
To break you to their will;
But you can destroy your oppressors

You will never be rich
Always crawling from scraps off the table
But wealth comes in many forms

This exhaustion will never leave
And in time, it’ll get worse
But your abilities’ vigorous strength will prevail

You will always be needy
For after all, you’re only human
And prosperity is our collective right

They will project things onto you
Because they are too weak themselves;
Don’t forget your true self

Once given, you will always be an addict
For they don’t know the struggle and only judge
Don’t detract them; their biases lack reason

They’ll always call you a monster
Lazy humans desperately cling to the past;
They forget that the worst monsters are humans

Your expectations will always be shattered
The mind’s perfection is hard to overcome
But impossibility is much more enjoyable

Your gifts will be used and abused
For some fear natural talent
It will hurt; but also inspire

You will be loved conditionally
As long as you do, act and say what’s expected;
Show them indifference, not animosity

They will criticize you
On every little detail that make you you
But their approval shouldn’t concern you

You will be a disappointment
Because you don’t live by their rules
But your achievements are all for you

They will demand your respect
Because their titles are their only power
But don’t fall onto their bad manners

The intolerant will be racist
For fearing is easier than understanding;
Such biases should be meet with tolerance

They will compete against you
For some, being the best is more important
But there is harmony in sympathetic surrender

You will feel angry
Because life isn’t fair for us all;
There is delight in calmest simplicity

They will always want to be right
Because how dare you know more than me
They lead to immorality; the belief they are never wrong

They will tell you their opinion
And talk down to you in the process
Because only the weak try to rule the strong
Nov 2019 · 81
Replacable
Everything these days
Is replaceable
It still works
But it easily made obsolete
And it hurts, for
We are only human
Not objects to be set free
Floating across the currents of the sea

Replaceable
Interchangeably so
As the current flows
And slowly drags you from shore;
They have let you go
You have been used
And now
What use is there
To cry about it?

If only
We were less organic
And more carbon-based
Programatically built
We’d understand that
Some pieces can’t be changed
Or rebuilt;
You can’t force to fit
That which won’t -
Well, you can
But it is cumbersome
And slow
Not even the next update
Will help you now

Because humans are lazy
Just look at your people
The world burns
The sea rises
Storms get stronger
And summers hotter
Those with a voice
The fire to fight back
Are praised
Ridiculed
And place high on pedestals
While the rest stay put
Solidly believing
‘that someone else will do it’

But neither side will talk
Instead of words
We drop insults and bombs
Or better yet
Become spectators of your on
annihilation;
What constipation must be
In place to stagnate this
Progress, to fall over your own feet
When everyone else seams
To be able to keep a beat
You trip and stumble
Because the carpet
Has been pulled from under
your feet

And you weep
And weep
And weep
In hopes that someone
Will sync to your beat
But we live in a capitalist society
Were if you don’t fall in line
You become obsolete!

For we all love the struggle
Everyone loves the ‘hot mess’
‘deranged’, ‘crazy’ -
Those people who drive you
To the point of insanity
Who feel to much
But say very little
Who’s sky is always grey
And beg for a break of sunshine
The dependable
The patient
The waiting; ready to listen
But never to criticize
Or employ their beliefs or biases
Onto already broken souls
Who’s services are given freely
Willingly, emphatically
Draining their own energy daily
Just for you to break a smile
…..maybe?

But I guess
That is my life.
We can’t all have
Happy endings for free
Not all of us
Thankfully
Are like you or me
The truth won’t set you free
For not all of us can handle
That now your physical form
Is no longer craved
But has been replaced
By images on a mantle;
The projection of what people
Expected to see

And you question
Who no-one knows me
And how, just how
Could they replace
Me?
Jun 2019 · 99
The End of the War
I am tired
Of constantly
Waking up tired
Too scared to produce
Any of my arts
Because I won’t be admired;
Fireflies are drawn to the light
For it’s warmth and brightness
But a succubus
Will **** this warmth dry
Just as you have, for
So many years
And believing you
As my body stiffens from
All these toxins

I’m sick of fighting
Against people, for people
Pointless wars
Soiling my cloths with mud for those
Who would never do the same for me
If not haven’t done that already
To leave me here
Burnt to a crisp under the sun
With blisters on my feet
Soiled with mud and sooth
Dried and cracking, weighing me down
And to think
I thought I’d find freedom by now
Or some means of
What the **** is my calling
Or what I’m going to do;
And yet, I still wield
The greatest weapon in existence;
Art

I have never belong anywhere
No, I don’t want you to pity me
How does that help?
‘oh, you poor boy’
Only to quickly turn your back
At a moments notice
When **** hits the fan
But I guess that’s life
That’s growing up
When things get though
We all get going
Because that’s how we see ourselves;
‘growing’
By putting your head down
And dragging through
Life’s mud
Because we were once
Stupid enough to believe
That this was the only way
So instead of changing
Our methods or perspectives
We keep our heads down
And become
Another brick in the wall

And I hope you all keep doing it
Because if you’d lift your head
Wipe off the muck and look around you
To see all the distraction from the war;
Dismembered bodies
Cavernous holes
The horrible mix
Of red, brown and green
You’d break-down, cry
And pray
You’d still have one in the chamber

Or, if you’re unlucky
You don’t have one
And you watch
Over and over and over
New horrors around the bends;
Even nature doesn’t survive
Through so much death
Your allies are gone;
As in vaporized
By the sheer force of your own doing
Believing you were fighting the good fight
But completely forgetting about friendly fire
Even as you chuckled and admired
The enemies whole-hearted attempts to
Fight back, defend themselves
But you dismissed them
With just a click of your fingers;
How stupid war is
To devalue life to
Medals and achievements
Reducing the full worth of an individual
To nothing more than a medal
To believe you are superior
But giving the other
No value at all - at least racism is direct

So come at me bare
I dare you
Because I’m done with this war
I’m done losing, I’m done being
Stuck in this cavernous loop
This disk that keeps
Turning and turning
Always in a loop, but never a straight line
In reality, it’s fine because
Even the wheels on the bus
Go round and round;
But at least they get somewhere
Are going places
And when faced with displacement
I have no-where to go;
I’ve never had anywhere to go
But the corridors of my own little palace
Where I am King
And it’s now
Quite boring
And in turn, I have become
boring

So drop me then
Like a dead weight
Just another corpse that will
Never get a proper burial,
Just like the hundreds and thousands
Who’ve had the same treatment over the years
Honestly, I’m fine with it
Because I know the weight and power of
Guilt, regret and grief
How the vision of my corpse
Will haunt your dreams
And every waking moment
For even God remembers the man
Who one made him
Bleed

Unfortunately,
It was
himself
Jun 2019 · 109
I am dying
I am dying
(big whoop
Everyone is)
No no,
You don’t understand
I
Am
Dying
(once again, big whoop)

Doesn’t seam to matter
Any of the words I say
No matter how much I shout or scream
Everyone stays at bay
Because ‘your moods
Make you so unapproachable
My son’
That’s not the most
Supportive thing family
Can say
But they’ve told me worse
My favourite one was ‘monster’
And that’s the one
I mostly
Relate to


Stay caged
Because the outside world
Is so unforgiving;
People remember your mistakes
More than the good times shared
People just like seeing you
Ground down
Protecting themselves
Behind fake ‘happy’ smiles
Over- inflamed egos and *******
They don’t have the ***** to say
Or talk about
Relatable, though never understandable
I mean
Not even these words make sense
Any-more

Enough
I am dying
From a disease you’ll never see
Because I’ve been wise
No,
Cunning
Enough to not be in the system that long
Or dumb enough
To think that I can win on my own
And I mange, or rather
I use to manage
Till it gets too much
And all I’ve worked so hard
To be able to stand up daily
Crumbles beneath me
Though, frankly
I had others
Once
But they don’t last;
No one will sacrifice
Their God-given time or energy
To help you pick yourself up
When they’re already moving
- so many suicides
Could have been prevented
Through understanding and communication;
Basic human functions and needs
But no, lets not talk
Lets drown our emotions
With some ****

So I slowly erode
Daily
Down into this black abyss
I don’t want to take my own life
But if I must
I hope I don’t miss
Any of the vitals;
And I pray I go quick
Because this sickness
Immobilises me
I mean
Most of you know I’m weird
A ****** up nerd
With a messed up perspective on life
A history written in
Beatings, tears, insults, pain, broken promises
And blood; so much blood
Because that’s all this disease allows me
To remember; my past
Is nothing but a big, empty dark room
Were light is there for a flicker
Before it is snuffed out
Tortured by memories
I’ve begged countless times not to remember
The older I get now
The more things hurt
I yearn for stability
When nothing is set in stone

And as strong as I am
It eventually gets to me too
I cycle
Between being weak
Or strong
But I have grown tired;
I have forgotten
That life is suppose to be fun
Just no one wants to have fun
No one stays when things get hard
No one tries to understand
No one fights for anyone
We’ve devalued everything
Every single thing
That makes life fun, magical
Worth experiencing and living
Because it’s so easy
To give into those dark thoughts
And lock yourself up in that dark room
Where it’s all nice and warm
But so very lonely
Jun 2019 · 106
95%
95%
This will not
Be easy
To tear open my own wounds
And expose the infection within
As this green and purple
Sludge oozes and spills
No
This won’t be easy
To find the right words
To express these complex emotions
To formulate sensations
Personal sensations
Covered in ooze;
No, this won’t be easy
But I must __________________
Welco­me
This is my little dark room
Or rather corner
It has always been here
And over time, it has changed
Gotten bigger
Made me weaker
Doesn’t demand much
But it’s a drain on my systems
Everything goes into black and white
Such an extreme
It’s scary
Being like a piece of code;
I’m ether on, or off
Though mostly off
At times
It leaves me paralyzed
Haunted my instances and experiences
I do not wish to remember
Playing on a constant reel
Over
And over
And over
And over
Till, I’m crying
Begging
For it to stop
Or sometimes
Shaking
As an enemy hits you
Feeling the sensation
Though the controller;
But it’s all over
And it doesn’t stop
Everything is intense
Such as waking
It’s so ******* some days
And sleep a once thought-of dream
It formulates and calculates
And re-calculates
Pointless instances
And constantly draws the same conclusion
Time and time again
__________________­
I hate you
I thought you were my friend
I believed you would protect me
I believed you’d be there in the end
But you’re not
And now look
Look at what you’ve made me become
At how you have tarnished everything
With this black sticky oil
How you’ve made me fall apart
Time and time again
How could you?
Why would you?
If I go, so do you
There is no point to your logic
They’re all filled with deceit and lies
These equations make no sense
But you overload my senses
How dare you tell me what my best is
When you were there with me in the crypt
Poisoning me from the very start
And to think you conceived me
To stop my heart

How dare you
Make me look down upon myself
And misjudge the very fabric
Of what makes me who I am
And to think
That if I blinked and was gone
Completely disassociated
I’d come back to something better
Instead you’ve make things worse
And it hurts
That so many people
That I have now lost
Will never read this
Verse
_________________­
I am so sorry
For what this disease
Has made me do
How it broke me down to my core
And I slowly was eroded away
To this empty shell
And all you could see
Was this facade
And I hate it;
So disgusting and repulsive
To not feel at home in your own skin
I thought it was my friend
But it is my greatest enemy
The only thing that can break me
And it did
Cracked and shattered
I have spent the last few months
Regathering my broken pieces
From the last few years

I’m doing good though
Like,
I never though how much
I’d miss seeing colors
And how music with no words
Has a much greater impact
Sleep is actually
Quite enjoyable
And necessary
And O.M.G
Food! How much
I’ve missed all the textures
And flavors and spices
And the sweet and sour;
I feel better
I am better
For the first time in a while
I’m feeling
myself

But I’m not sure
How you’d take this news
I’d ask how you are
But I know already
:better
And I am, in deepest honesty
Happy for you
I’m sorry things are this way
I never intended things to end
Because most endings, such
As now
Rarely end happily

Instead,
I’ll simply say
I’ve chased too many people now
And my legs are tired
And I’m still chasing myself
What’s left of it anyway
So, I guess
Come and take chase;
My door is always open
And I’m never
Out of coffee
Jun 2019 · 113
Dreaming
It is now morning
the sun is slowly shinning
it's golden rays through the curtains
slicing through the darkness of the room
and next to me, there is you
sleeping, resting
slowly waking
after digesting
a long-nights sleep

And you smile
at the first thing you see
which luckily, appears to be me
there's a quick exchange of good-mornings
as the shock of a mutual day off
seams to set in

That is, till the door behind you
bursts open and 2
miniature versions of ourselves
come running in
as if an artist took 2 of his drawings
the most different and extreme
and sandwiched them together;
a little Prince and Princes
coming to wake their Queen and King
with loud cries and giggles
everything feels good, feels happy
everything feels in place

Then the buzz of an alarm goes off
and I wake
the light feels cold and insulting
and there is no one by my side
my bedroom door blocks out
the angry shouts of the outside world
and as I desperately try and grasp at my dream
to remember every detail
preserve every sensation
it slips though my fingers
and down that creek
forgotten

After all,
it was only
just a
dream
Jun 2019 · 59
Storage unit
Have you ever felt
that the world would be
a better place without you?
That you existence has meaning
but at the same time
it does not matter?
That you stand out in the crowd
but you're still expected to be
'one of us'?

I feel that constantly
between waves of turbulent seas
as this tiny boat of mine is
pushed about across the water
death is always,
always
that one miscalculation away;
swings and so far missed
every moment I got to lay
my head to rest

And at best,
I wake up some-what sober
and disoriented to another day
were surviving is the name of the game
but thriving is something I can only dream of
I am limited only by myself
but as you can see,
the limiter has been off for quite a while
way past what you thought
and much stronger now than expected

So place that part of me in that toolbox
you're so called' arsenal' against your life
but you are no longer worthy of wielding me
so I will cut these ties that give you control
over my own actions
because you can't control your own
I'll one day be useless to you
if I'm not that already
but it won't matter now

Into the storage unit I go
with the rest of your
unwanted memories
embarrassing moments
childish tantrums
usable people
heart-break
and drag me around
like the rest of your icky
'too-busy-or-too-immature'
to learn from and grow from
Jun 2019 · 77
Slowing-down....
I never believed in happy endings
for me, they seam too unreal
too perfect
in a universe that exists sourly due to errors
and imperfections
in a world
were happiness is bought
rather than fought for
I don't believe it
I don't want it
anymore

To waste your life dedicating it to something
you may never live long enough to see flourish
or succeed, to me
this fills me with glee
for I will not see the system
crumble and fall
but I will be the flame
that straight beam of white-hot light
that sadly can't show me what's over the horizon
though
the path so far has been smooth and clear
so maybe, just maybe,
this end is near?

I hope so
I've been tossed left and right
up and down
and span so many times around
my energy's' drained
down that slippery whirlpool
for all those to use and consume
because sadly
that how some of you still work

You've forgotten the times when you too were hurt
when you left people use you for  less than what you're worth
and in anger, you've done the same
on the hunt for revenge rather than the good fight
you will spite 'n blight
just so long as you are victorious in this fight

I have been told for years
that I should get a life
and give up this pointless fight
against these unsee-able forces
who push and pull this world at their will

Or maybe, just maybe
I should be more like me
and less what the world, what you, expect of me
Maybe I should accept that this is
as far as things go for me
done with the sacrificing to make people smile
done with the pointless meetings that bear no fruit
done with chasing those that won't chase me back
done with expecting that things will change
done with hoping rather than acting
done with wanting to be loved, seen or valued as a person

Because the reality is, I'm not
because fighting to survive is all I know
So yes, I will drop things into
a lower gear
and try to live

Because even Yoda in all his years
of meditative wisdom is still an idiot
for there is nothing wrong
with trying.
Jun 2019 · 98
Here we go again....
I have not felt
That buzz of electricity
In years
So much so
I thought my phone was vibrating
And un-disappointedly
It wasn’t

This current
Old, ancient
Feels scary, but right
And it might be my imagination
Or just my superstition
But things feel right
Slowed down, mellow
Giving an old fellow
Who lost himself in fields and meadows
Of doubts, fears and
The sheer insanity that is a
Deep, sensitively-thinking mid
The time to catch up
And feel for the first time
In years

That things are ok
There are no more hidden meanings
And very little fine-print
Where any experience is brought to the table
Has, in some way, value;
A means of benefiting yourself
And those around you

But eyes that blue
That was just you
Don’t you even get tired
Of being admired?
Placed high on a pedestal
For all to see
And you to boast
About your victories
Those adventurers and stories
That leave your listeners
Hooked on their seats

Pedestals don’t do me good
Believe me
For I was once a god
Commanding my own followers forward
To do my bidding, exert my wishes
Reinforcing my will
Over what was once free
To now become mine

But back then, I was also
A young fool like you
Driven to be whole
Or bring meaning to a life
Pointlessly lived
To the expectations of those around me
Only to rebel against
Such an atrocity
Only for them, in the end
To abandon me

And now look at me
There’s nothing similar about us
I am the light in the darkness
This is what a lack of ego does to me
This is how the world makes me feel
As I’m pushed around by demi-gods
Who think it’s funny to toy
With an ex-god

That is, until I swing
Jun 2019 · 92
N
N
I still remember the first time I saw you
so much so
I hope in the future
to have it surgically removed

I still remember how you looked at me
from the first time
the look on your face
was that of a man
who had not seen the sun after months of darkness
the the last time
of fear, anger, hate
and praying that death would take me

I was a nobody
scratch that
I still am a nobody
and till this day
I question what somebody
like you
saw or has seen
in me
Jun 2019 · 82
True Colours
Don’t make me laugh
We both know
That this friendship isn’t enough
Because when the going gets tough
The tough don’t get going
But abandoned,
Left alone to fend for themselves
And fight the good fight
Solo

So to say that I now
Feel as useless and despised
As a plastic bag
Is both dis-heatening
And defeating
For you have never seen me bleeding
Or the bloodstains across these verses
And worst is
I know my words now
To you
are pretty worthless

You talk to me as if we’re equals
But I hate to break it to you;
We’re not;
But you like to play dumb
And act as if
You don’t know this
You’re just better at getting people to bow
Bending them and twisting them to your will
Changing them and moulding them
Into what you need them to be
No
In what you want to see
Reflected to you in a world
Where, individually, we’re nothing
But collectively, we stand a chance;
If we follow you
The man with the ‘*****’
Who claims to tear the nation in half

Coward
How you fear direct conflict
How you deal with your world
Indirectly
By feeling so helpless
In situations that leave you defenceless
Everything to order, to your expectations
Where others do all the work,
But all the glory goes to our
‘god’;
You
And I refuse to bow
To anyone who comes my way
Claiming to be
My king, my god

I’m better at killing
Because I know that feeling
Of when that ceiling
Is too high for reaching
But generally, you don’t care
You just want to make it big
Because you have no home
You walk around those four walls
Alone
Trapped within the very mindset
You are to afraid to admit
Is dark and twisted
And no matter what you do
You can’t fix it
Except all that anger and rage;
That is your own

This is, in part
Your fault
Because I’m tired of accepting
That all this has happened because
Of my neglecting
How you turn things onto me
Because yes, I am the bad guy
In this haunting story of yours
Were we kicking back in a car
And recall stories that to me
Sound so
Sad
Depressive
Boring
Because of all those who were there
They are no longer here

And now
The person feeling used
Is me
Because it’s so sad
That when something is for you
When you like it, when it benefits you
When it’s something that your ego wants
You will put yourself first
You will put your best foot forward
You won’t waste time

Except me
For when something like that
Happens to me around you
I’m told to take a hike
Because then you have no time
Because I have so much to do
Because ‘you have no idea how busy I am’
I get it fam
I really, honestly do
But if those are your priorities
The I respect the dirt under my shoe
More than you
Because on those long and hard
Nights, were my mind is
Dancing between the heart of a 5 year-old
And being pulled towards the centre of
A blender
When I can feel the world bleed
And cry out in pain
Or feel the sea slowly dying
Under the heat of the sun
That same dirt
Offers me more comfort under my feet
Than a living flame that must consume to survive
How could such an attitude get any respect from me?
you don’t feel me any more
But maybe
Maybe
if I was a chick on your ****
You’d accept me as an equal

But then again,
You’re probably request me to sit
a little more on the right
So you can cast your spells with your left
Because you’re desperate to feel
And capture what now
You had once felt

But I’ve already left
May 2019 · 71
Run
Run
I am done
So ******* done
Being nice
To you
Because being nice
gets you nowhere
No, don’t you dare speak
Not even a God-**** whisper
I’ve been walking in so many circles
My feet are now immune to blisters

So, you’re going to walk all over me again?
Think you can take what’s mine with no penance?
Don’t you think I know you’re using me?
That you need this attention from me,
Because elsewhere, attention is given
Just not to your work or yourself
And because of that
You believe that you rightly deserve
This level of adornment to the point
That you literally ****
The oxygen out of the air
And deep down
I can sense your fear

I have pitted you
No;
I have shown you mercy
I really have
Held back all this time
Cause I know I’m too much
One false move
And I can lay the universe to waste;
I’ve done it before
And weakly of me,
Even once I’m done with this
I’ll pity you even more
Because to think that
I
Must stoop down from my mountain to discipline
You
No, this is beneath me
This dark hole
You have comfortable placed me in
Is where and what I call
home

But I will do it
Reduce you down till you’re
Burnt ash, blacked, useless carbon
Because unlike you
This dark void makes things
Quick and painless
Goes deeper than any insult you could pointlessly throw
You can strike my heart
But my feet will still dance to my beat

So I will come down from my high place
With the pace and grace of a ballerina
And the ferocity and rage of a world turned to sunder
Forests will burn
The very ground will bubble and boil
Water will provide a white-vapour cloud
**** it, I’ll even ignite the very air around me
So all you could see
Is a bright white light, distant
But always getting closer
Unstoppable
unrelenting
Uncompromising
It has been so long
Since I’ve been in this state
Where my swing can split atoms
Where I want to swing without restraint
And rock the very foundation
You’ve worked on for years
To build this image you project onto others
And level the very world you have built around yourself

It has now been 3 years
And the ‘nice-guy’ has been put through the mud
Drowned and further forced-under
Through tears, blood and sweat
I wrestle, fight and win
Against myself
Last year almost killed me
And the last 3 months
Has made me hate you humans even more
But
finally
I can finally swing; not at my full-force
But for what I want to do now, believe me
It’s still overkill
I won’t even shed a tear
As I outstretch hand
I will summon the most powerful weapon imaginable
I will show no mercy
I will show no pity
I won’t even stop if you ask for sanctuary
It be man, woman, or child
I will still strike
Your atoms being reduced to particles;
There will be nothing of you to bury
Where you lay is gone, vaporized
Everything around is flattened
Or blown away

All that’s left
Above what is now, a crater
If this bright person of white hovering
That slowly dims to red and black;
Twisted, unworldly, armed
Radiating heat and power

I mean, I was told
I’m a monster all my life
And now
I’m lose















Run.
May 2019 · 51
Black and White
Isn’t it funny
How those who know less about money
Or life
Seam to strive for more
When half the population
Can’t make it through the front door
Mothers selling themselves cheap
To help keep their kids off the streets
And fathers working double-time
While both parents have other lovers
To pass the time
Because everything now comes with
‘sides’; whether it’s benefits, money
Power, fame
Or better yet, influence of any-sort
Because even humans
Can be controlled
If you pull on their reigns

I hate being human
And in honesty,
I’ve watched you all
We’re all sad
Pitiful
And at times, disgusting
It’s sad, because it’s hard
To teach an old dog new tricks
And while the whole world worries about Brexit
I just wish you all swallowed your egos and fixed this
Even Therese May quit this
Gave good-old Britain the slip
I guess when you have no solid plan
The world won’t hold your hand

Then again, the world never really offers support
It just finds ways to grind things out of you even more
And if you’re not fertile soil that can bear fruit
You are quickly given the boot
The seeds being planted elsewhere
How depressing
To think they we’re so dependent
On the support
And respect of others
To make ourselves ‘feel good’
We are, fundamentally
Social animals
It’s just sad that for some
Social means monologue
And looking-over others
On a constant search for that love
That was never given by a mother
Or a father for that matter
But that doesn’t matter
For most fathers have never known love
Anyway

The older I get
The more I realise
How much life has to give
Because with all that’s going on
The world is full of colour
Things to do, place to see
People to meet
But I also realise
No;
Compassionately understand
Why killing yourself is always an option
Because hiding it is so much easier than talking about it;
People ether half-listen, don’t listen or
Hastily tell their experiences while neglecting others
How that one more ***
Makes the day more bearable
How talking non-stop about yourself
Fills the void that life has neglected in you
How not giving a ****
Shields you from a world going to hell
That resigning is a sign of having no plan
And being exhausted of the scrutiny

I am not a product of what the world has done to me
Not directly in any-way
I’m just feed up of being human
Feed up of these humans
A constant organism that leaches on and consumes
From a world that cannot sustain itself
If everyone only thinks and talks about
Themselves

And yet
That’s all we know
May 2019 · 82
Screw you
So
this is adult life
and it's not what I expected
we all run at our own stride
and hide
when the world for us turns sour
and your heart
being slowly devoured

No wonder we're desperate
to connect with one another
but in this mad world
that teaches us
to consume the
'everlasting' supply of goods
coming in neatly mass-produced
and now customizable packages
to suit your needs

People don't work that way
how can they
when they can't understand themselves?
such people laugh at the thought of self-exploration
surrounding themselves with mirrors
to adore themselves
no wonder most are still
on the shelf
but how can they see
when they're too busy seeing themselves?
how can you be friends with people
who constantly and indefinitely
only want their own success?
how can you built rope-bridges
without the aid of someone else?
or trust them when they
conceal their true selves
between the light and fog?

I'm just tired
of living, of being
of being deceived, lied to
chasing this dream that has no ceiling
and all this time I've been patiently
waiting
for things to change and go my way
to have something to put on my display
to attract these customers
who pay in social-interactions
but when you disappear for months
and come back changed
people keep their distance and range
you realize you never had friends
because with all this change and growth
turns out most are 'so-called woke';
just people venting
because parent's tempers keep testing
the patients of these 'so-called' friends
who's life is going somewhere
and mine seams to be at a dead-end
producing cakes of interesting designs
only to be made of sponge inside

And with that I can say it
I don't have any friends
my trust in all of you has been
shattered
for you are all, sadly, the same
I have run out of uses for you
and you of me
even in our time apart
I have grown without you
and I feel better, stronger
but also weaker
for there is only so much weight
I can support and bear
in my time of need
you were neither here or there
and I hate you for that
because you never knew the truth
the pain of me just existing
because i'm not afraid of sinking to the earths core
while you float

It's a shame
a real god-**** shame
that when I chose
for myself to take a stand
because I deserve to be fought for

No one did

So good morning, afternoon, evening and night
because i'm done fighting
Mar 2019 · 2.6k
Unfuckwithable
Most people
Fear me cause I’m black
Because I’m different
I stand tall
In the indifference

Others, because I’m loud
Intense
Larger than life
Even though in my life
Nothing happens;
It’s going
Nowhere fast

But not you
No,
You enjoy
Basking in my suffering
Just the same as
You enjoyed watching them suffer
Because it make you feel
Good
No part of you knows
Humbleness or guilt
For pride and ego
Now act as your shield

Funny
How without mentioning your name
The room is now not as sunny
Predictable
You’ll shift uncomfortable
Act observant
Interested
Until eventually my words get to you
And you’ll roll yourself a cigarette

If this is goodbye
Then I’ll speak what’s on my chest
I despise you
And everything you stand for
You use your values and roles
As a glue to trap people near you
You act like you care
Until someone challenges your goals
You pull people close
Especially if your ego is struck
Which I think happens
Not-out-of-luck
Sometimes I wonder
What lies you have told
To others about me
More concerning though
Is what lies you tell yourself
Because I can see them

As it turns out
We’re 2 sides of the same coin
Even though you do all you can
To dull my face
And turn yourself towards the light
And mine to the dark
You forget that I like it here
You think you’re the first
To do this to me?
To leave me behind in the dark?
To strike me down when I already am?
To get so obsessed with themselves
Being better than they were yesterday-

No,
Finishing that insult
Would only motivate you more
I still have more power over you
Than a *****
With your **** in her mouth
-but I will not use it
No I will not say it
For like my gift
Of words and poetry
- I refuse to abuse it

Good luck to you
Your friends,
Family
And anyone you see fit
To be by your side
Me?
I’m gone
For I known you’d do this
For I was warned and my God,
They were right;
And I own a lot of people
An apology

I have sliced
This little coin of ours
And now you have your wish
You have all the light
Attention
Fame
Glory
Money
Anything you could possibly want
Take it!

Because I don’t want it
I’m not motivated to be bigger
Or better
Than the next guy in the room
You really think anyone
Can intimidate me?

No, instead
I’ll wash my side
And try my best to remove the grime
Because even looking like this
Standing alone between
Insanity and the zone
One day I will return
And, regrettably
Outshine you

Because that’s the only way
To get any
Respect
from
you
Mar 2019 · 1.1k
Flawed perspective?
I’ve been told by many people
That my attitude is my problem
That my perspective is flawed
And that I’m ****** in the head
And I guess they are right
Cause after they say this
They’re the one that fled
Far beyond the mountains

But they’re right
My attitude
And perspective are flawed
I have been through too much
To even be or feel
Like anyone of you here:
Normal

But they are also wrong
Stupid and naive
To think that they’re energy
Their vibe
Is what I need
Because they also never leave
They’re little bubble
And enforce their perspective
Of how they perceive you
Onto you
And expect you to conform
To their view of life
And orderliness of their lives

Oh,
I pity these friends of mine
I truly do
Because most of you aren’t even worth
The polish on my shoe
Which is why I don’t hide
What I feel inside
Because I still feel
I’ll never hide what I feel
I’ve been there and done that
As silent as the cries of a bat
I’ve screamed and shouted
But all I got
Was mute

Because they will blame you
Rather than blame themselves
They’ll say it’s your fault
That you’re there
On the shelf
Gathering dust
While they’re off making a success
And drowning in pointless, stupid
Lust
For power and fame
So when they see you again
They have something to boast about
Something to make them
Scream and shout
Sadly for this
No one delays
From seeing this

They won’t wonder
If your perspective is flawed
They’ll just ***** it into your head
That you are really,
Mad
Not because
People made promises
That they never kept
Or because they’ll happily replace you
With someone else
Or they’re around for the good time
And never for the grind
Or they hang and meet up with you
Because they need to pass the time
Or come begging for advice
When they’re backs against a wall
Blame you for your life and misery
But don’t listen at all
Or better yet
Plan and promise to meet one day
But you never get the text
Or call

So no,
I think my perspective isn’t flawed
I’m an extreme, like my parents
A combination of black and white
Producing the devils’ offspring
If you think what I’ve said before
Isn’t true
Then don’t say it at all
Because honestly,
I don’t care
And the last I recalled
I never asked for your opinion
So kindly keep it to yourself
Like me, put it on a shelf
And wrap it in a nice little ribbon
In a way that makes you feel
Safe and in control

Because unlike you,
I know what it’s like
To be used
Abused
Manipulated
Scared
Beaten
And called upon
To replace the now
Gaping hole that’s in your life
Because ‘they’re gone’
Expecting me to respond
Like a dog being called by name

I never wanted fame
But I know what it’s like to go insane
To feel and be told you’re crazy
And yes, I am too much
Get to close, and I’ll burn you to a crisp

So I cut you out
Like a sore tumor
For the better of the host
For the better of myself
Because I don’t need the help
From people like you
But this still
Doesn't being me piece
So instead, I’ll write
Instead,
I’ll make you
weep
Feb 2019 · 143
I resigned
I resigned
my spirit is now broken
my heart torn
my will, my drive
was once gone, but now
must be forced out
from deep within myself
and my body hurts in places
that I did not know possible
but then again,
do you even care?

I resigned
because I had enough
because I hated
what I was being turned into
because I disserve better
because I am better
and will not allow myself to be
grinded down and moulded
to your liking
to suit your cause

I resigned
for my life and mental health
are worth so much more
than your apologies
or your pity; neither serve me any purpose
I saw how you change people
what promises you simply state
but you only tease from high above
our goals, through you
simply dangling from a string, toying with us
to strip us bare
to make us
mouldable
for by losing, sacrificing, abandoning
what makes us, 'us'
we jump higher for you
to reach your expectations of us
and lose ourselves in the process

I resigned
I think I've said this before
I still feel that it's a dream,
all the years of hard work
now really
account to nothing
for I was eluded that I
could be something more
.....
.....
the saddest part?
I  was and still am
already something
just not your 'thing'

I resigned
the only downside
is knowing that I could have made it
for I have supported so many others
and I now watch them go far
floating on the horizon
without a second glace back
but sadly, my good nature
has not been returned
It's a shame that a tank that supports others
doesn't get the support back
for they simply assume all is well
because he's a tank

But I also blame you
for I remember a time when my friends
were my friends
were we laughed at how pointless things were
the simple things brought us the most joy
and time was simply something to be used wisely
for it is in short supply
so you spend it all on your friends
.....
.....
but you broke most of my friends
they are now self-absorbed in themselves
like horses with shades on
oblivious to the world around them
they walk over anyone and anything
to get their way
and if you're not part of their agenda,
not someone they can use to gain from
or a hand to stroke that ego
well.....

I'll be alright
I may have lost the fight
but believe me
I'm built for this kind of war
I'm just glad to be out

Before I could no longer recognise myself.

**
"She has left port!"
at first, thought was
"This is a dream"
but on closer inspection, it was not
she had been commandeered
by the one everyone keep never-near
and was sailing fast towards the horizon
and all that could be done was watch
as a Baldboy sailed off laughing
his voice booming across the sea...
Feb 2019 · 165
The Invisible Man
I am the Invisible Man
you don't see me around
my head hangs low
and I'm always glaring

I am the Invisible Man
in my ears
music is always blaring
drowning out the unrelating
noises, who's voices
bring curses
released in all my verses

I am the Invisible Man
deep inside, the sun is
always shining,
it's blinding
but to be constantly
outshone
in the shadows of the vastness
the curses of the masses
to degrade beyond regression
your soul can't regenerate

I'm the Invisible Man
the man that blends in
even with the colour of my skin
an uneventful circumstance
of an unchanging tide
that abides by forces
far beyond the reach of our control
being lost and oppressed is all we know
the confines of a dark corner
trapping us in both space
and time

And yet in our minds
oh, the universes we hold
the billons of thoughts we see
the hopes of life that we bring
the virtues of love and kindness
that abides us
to the care of humanity
sadly, it drives us to
insanity

It ***** to be Invisible,
Man
Jan 2019 · 107
Untouchable
prologue

I'm in a place I never thought I'd be in
surrounded in darkness
but inside, I'm still glowing
now shine a light in this darkness
abolishing of what's yet to come
I found me
broken and alone
engaged by chains
that were my own
enforced by you
to be
a socially acceptable individual
how comical
to think imprisonment offers freedom
just tighten me down
making me susceptible to get some
I had fun
I won't lie, I had a blast
getting ****** up the ***
by side-walkers
using my chains to being about the carnage
you knew my limitations
of how far these chains would go
you drew a calk line on the ground
so you'd know
stopping by from time to time
to get your fix
'cause while I'm held back in chains
you float above the chiasm....

**

It was my own weakness
to think that's how
to beat this
but it was all for nothing
sticking around
with fine line
of who I was
and what I'd do
what even made me think I should follow you?
I hoped things would get better
instead, they got wetter
and the water rose
there's an ocean between us
and no one knows
most are unaware
others don't care
that we've lost this
pieces to the puzzle
that's incomplete

I think to myself
what is the price of greatness?
and how have others
already figured this out, yet
it is worth the price
to break ties
in search of your own light
the shine brighter than the rest?
is it worth to invest in you
to fine tune
through which the process
all you're left with is you?

I won't lie
I still lie awake at night
think of what was and what could have been
this hunger within
to make something out of nothing
to make sense
of the insensible
it's a thirst that's unquenchable
drives you up the walls
though insanity makes you think you've lost it all

I am now chainless
you won't touch this
too scared to stand at my level
this is my plain of existence
my kingdom
if you want to step down to me
come and get some
I may be incomplete
for I cannot fly
but I'm ok with that
and that's not a lie

For I remember what the view is from up there
and I don't want it
instead I'll wait down here
and grow
for one by one
you will all fall from grace
and the King
will raise you up
once more

...unless you chose to stay here
that's fine with me too
Dec 2018 · 135
Goodbye Moon-man
'Look at them
those idiotic fools down below
grinding their spirits away.
That will never be us,
we have a plan, a dream
and together
we will succeed.'

And I thought what you spoke was true
I believed we'd do great things together
but then you twisted words, ideas
because you're so desperate to stand out
to leave your mark in the dark
before the light stamps you out.

That's why every time
the light shines our way
you believe everyone around you is fine
because we all look gay
and you're happy, satisfied
so you turn your back towards the darkness
and run towards the light
and any friend that's left behind
watches you run in flight
how sad it is for me to think
that you'd be here for me
the same way
I was there for you
to think you'd help me rebuild
but you leave me there fiddling
in pieces on the floor
in a much worse state
then an extremely-cheap *****

I don't believe you anymore
you have lied to me
broken the cardinal rule
and worse is
you think that I believe you
I blame myself
for letting my guard down
yet, I'm left here thinking
how?

You have left me in the dark
how dare you say I'm lying
I've watch the moon rise from my window
4 times, while I was trying
to lift the weight of the world
off shoulders
your excuse was
'I was busy'
and that struck a cord
because you would have chased me
if I promised I'd **** you more
to feed that ego; the highest of statuses
you believe that you diverse
and anyone who dismisses that
you break with your words

I don't believe a word you say
did you think I'm gay?
do you think of me lower than you?
than shoo
away with you
you've been gone for 4 months
you've been so 'busy'
that you've run out of luck
yet, you still had time
to play, write and ****

We're not friends anymore
I can feel you blocking me out
we don't talk anymore, so
you don't want me to know
whilst I've previously seen your tears flow
and you don't want in
on my darkness that's within
even with my door always wide open
in this day and age
trust is worth the fuss
but it's a shame that once
your shackles came lose
you only set yourself free

This disrespect
is wiped across my face
while you boast about all your ******
successes and riches
and any question about your short-comings
you're dismissing
hide yourself in your protective cocoon
that facade you work so hard to maintain
for I already know it will be in vain
because the voices in your head will still drive you
insane

I don't think I can trust you
now
that you can lie to my face
and spoken behind my back
you always think I'm distracted
but I'm cautiously listening
feeling, dreaming
my mind buzzes to words I find appealing
out of concern,
out of love
I eves-drop on conversations
but I can't do that anymore
when you're *****' doing all the thinking

So this is how it is now?
I call a foul
on myself and my own senses
for it's them
dissing
them
because love blinds us all
I blame myself for this fall
my senses warned me
that something had ****** up
and even previously
I was cautioned
about a potential **** up
and it happened
unexpectedly
how blind and stupid I can be
while you're out there running
you broke the promise
that we would both be free
you used me like a doll
for you've had many like me in reserve
so for you to leave
was easy
you didn't even say a word.

I honestly loved you like a brother
but now
I don't know if I can
any
more.
Dec 2018 · 569
Beta > Alpha
To make yourself insignificant
is simple; make
your voice even quitter than the squeaks of a mouse
lower your gaze from the heavens to the ground
and focus on the black soil staining your boots
hunch your shoulders and arch your back
as you carry the hidden weight of your intelligence

Slower your pace to that of boredom
rather than purpose
wear cloths that fit you too big
to hide your size and strength
shoes too small
if you can afford any at all
pull your hoodie up
to hide your face from passerby
and face down, not forward
gaze fixed, lost, broken.

Do not stroke the ego of your friends
offer little to no support
for in their recompense,
they will not save you.

Don't reach out to those you need
for your need will become a drug to them
and don't accept the help of those who offer
for that will become a tally of re-payment
turn your back on any proposal of aid
no matter how enticing
they may be

Withdraw within yourself, within your own thoughts
do not show weakness, even when you're forgotten
hide behind pride, ego
immaturity; a soul not stained by life's lessons
keep the mask on as you slowly
become insignificant, unfazed
and follow others
like sheep to their death
and yours

But
if you ever wish to lead
it is simple
turn your back on your gods
for they never cared for you
and they will never follow you

Instead, simply say
'I will no longer chase
it is time that I switched pace
instead I will lead
who dares to follow me and my steed?'


Then
see who follows
if any at all.
Dec 2018 · 165
Moods
Yesterday
I was told that my
'moods'
makes life much more difficult for some
makes things much more challenging
as if I enjoy being constantly numb
and feeling the time of aging
slowly pass me by

*******
seriously, from the darkest and most hated part of myself
****
you
and I do deeply apologies to myself
for I have made a fatal error
and have been taken for a fool
in thinking that you'd realize
that these 'moods'
are out of my control
as if I pre-plan
to wake up depressed or anxious
to walk out of my room
barely getting enough rest
from the constant demand of
'being the beast'

I guess you think I find it enjoyable
to spend days in bed
to lose all my self-worth
even quicker than blood oozes from a cut
and yet you yourself
would never come near
to wreak in the stench
of sweat, tears and fear
because, God forbid
my contagiousness spreads

As if I enjoy
being constantly on edge
ready to blow up
because I know I'm messed up
so much so
that my own mother
considers me a ****-up
a complete let down and disappointment
that's considered to be resentment

It's a sad world we live in
when half of us dream of living
and yet, we're anchored in place
while we watch in horror as the world
together as one takes flight
while we're left in the dark alone

You have never stood beside me
and saw this dark and gloomy
world of mine from my own eyes
I know now, you'll never stand by me
and the day that I decide to go, you'd be the one
to cry the most
at least, deep down
that's what I hope
for it's those who cry the hardest
that carry the most guilt

And yet the darkest, saddest
most humiliating truth
is that there's someone else
we both know
suffers like me
and all you've ever shown them
was sympathy
what humility
for me to reduce myself to such a level
to think that you'd care the same way
for me as you care for her
because it's her pain
that you are willing to bear
whilst for me,
my own flesh and blood
runs to the hills in fear

I should have expected this
yes, shame on me
because we both know
that this has been done before:
God
didn't want to taint himself with the sins of man
so instead
he sent his son
Dec 2018 · 348
Boxes of Donuts
Last night
on a walk
minding my own business
I was disturbed by a stranger in an instant
she smiled at me
and handed me a box of donuts.

She had just closed shop
and didn't want to throw them away
and seeing me, she hopped
at the opportunity to give them away
to a passersby

And since no one else was around
she gave me all 3 boxes
each with 6 donuts covered
in cream, chocolate and pastry
filled with jam, cream and chocolate

My first thought
(after thanking her that is)
was who would I share them with?
I knocked on doors, but no one was home
to enjoy this treat
and considering my recent treatment
as my life has been passed though a blender
I thought
I'll eat them all myself

And so I walked and walked and walked
with boxes of donuts in my hand
back home the flock
bent over the boxes
and one by one they ate them
and one by one they gave them away

Except for me
for I couldn't eat a single one
because they contained milk
and I'm lactose-intolerant
Dec 2018 · 629
I lose...everything
The wind's howling
and the temperature now
keeps slowly slowly falling
to the point were
you're ex's heart
might be considered warm

What?
You don't believe me?
Well,
I don't blame you
because frankly,
I don't believe myself
Behold;
a conversation

How can I?
When my own mind is filled with delusions
Lies and haunting horrors of the past?
What am I saying,
I have long-since gotten over that baggage
I am not my past, but my present and my future
and those who judge me by the past
can forever exist in it!

However, I feel that...

I don't have any friends
it's true; all I have are sunflowers
who bask collectively in the sun's golden light
reaching high for their aspiration
and never look down to see
the dirt they've dug themselves in
or ether side to their fellow plant
with odd-looking creatures
coming by to **** their color dry
whilst enhancing their rainbow of colors
all aimed to shine the most amongst themselves and the flowers
because most are only in it for themselves,
their own personal gains where they're ego's are messaged
gently stroked, grown and nestled
and because doing this
feels good and keeps them safe

I will never be loved
how can I? look at me
look at the filth I'm covered it
observe
the dark, heavy, tear-soak sandbags under the eyes
the tired, but stiff shoulders
the back straight with tension
and a slight tremor
from anxiety
notice
the weight-loss from  the depression
and how insomnia
causes blood-shot eyes
dizziness and loss of balance

I will never be happy
when deep inside
all there is is darkness and gloom
hidden under layers
of canvases painted with water-colors
that are slowly washed away with every rainy season
and watch as in time
as each layer is washed and removed
reveals
the dark, thick, heavy sludge
that is my world
(this is the part were most
are ether too scared to come near and run
others simply turn and leave
and worst of all
they watch you slowly melt and fall
while they feed of your pain and misery)

I will never be accepted
and this existence is much less than expected
they will judge, criticize, scrutinize
your ever imperfection, dent, cut, bruise
curl, wave, volume, curves
because the world demands
that those that shine too bright
need to be dampened
for others
can't shine so bright

'Let them in'
a voice whispers
'let them in, they won't bat an eye
they see a light
in the darkness that you don't see.
Just open and they'll come,
it's O.K to be scared
to expose that most vulnerable part of yourself
because in that part of yourself
you find,
yourself'

And so I did
I opened my doors,
smiled, gave a bow
and waited for them to come inside.

But no one did.
I've been gong through a rough period recently in which, as it can be seen, my mentality has not been the sanest.....this is the result of my pain
Dec 2018 · 109
My Hero
As a kid, I always believed in heroes
but not in the flashy capes
those epic team-ups
or fiery explosions
but in doing what's right
doing what's just
doing what to me, fundamentally
make us human

I never set out to save the world
it's too big, too crazy and too loud
to minimize, control, silence,
save
'So then just save your world'
that's what was once told to me
and so that's what I set out to do

And that's what I did
I aimed to save everyone
one step, one punch,
one more epic motion
at a time, your very presence
the change that ignites the atmosphere
giving hope to win!
....and for a while, it worked
I saved him, her, them and others
gave my 100% and beyond
**** to my injuries!
**** to my scars!
**** my short-comings!
they need me! I must go!
in my mind, in my eye
it was worth it

What no one told me though
what those cartoons never showed
is the price of being a hero
how
the joints ache from carrying the weight of other's shoulders
how every punch now shakes your bones
your legs get weak from the constant rising of others and that very weight now feels heavier every time
how your head constantly throbs from all your short-comings and how those very short comings keep you awake at night
how the screams, the tears, the horror, the pain you see
leach onto your soul like your very own weakness
how in time you loose a part of yourself
to serve, love and protect those that are less than you
how you constantly walk that fine line
between being human, an animal
and being
super

But
the darkest part of being a hero
is yourself, your own mind
and how that is the one part of being a hero
the hero constantly fights
....and the chances of back-up coming to help
is nowhere in sight

If I'd know all this before,
I would have never become a hero
because in the end
no one ever saves a hero,
thanks is given half-halfheartedly and as quickly
as it happens, the moment is forgotten,
others are busy making
blockbuster-movies
and your biggest villain
is always
yourself
Nov 2018 · 153
Prayer to a new art form
I think I've found my new addiction
I think I've found my calling
this things that I have been yearning
to fill my life with light

I am and always will be an artist
that I know for certain
but this thing that I've been yearning for
might, finally, have found home

I'll probably go deaf because of it
but in the scheme of things,
it's worth it
I have always been an artist
and now, finally
my spark is lit
Ahh,
good morning, hi, hello,
sorry I've been away for so long
but as you can see
I have been quite busy
doing?
well,
what no one else would
taking care of myself
putting me first
being selfish

Sorry about the mess
in this little cluttered
cave of a room I've been calling home
it stinks, it's *****
with cobwebs on the ceiling,
beer bottles littering the floor
of other times when I was merry
pizza boxes as tall as tallboys
and empty packets of ice-cream
create a mosique on the floor
the air is thick with the smell
of burnt out tobacco, stalenesss
and ****

I should have cleaned before you come
or at least
let in some lig-
Not that corner!
(in the dark there
you could make out a corpse
broken and contorted
in an uncomfortable position
neck broke, jaw dislocated
it's bowls, the contents
littering what once a seamless blackness
and a face twisted between
fear and constipation
if not also frustration)

Sorry you had to see that
but that is the model before myself
as I said, I have been working
in this little space.  
As you can see unfortunately,
that model there was different
everyone loved him
and it's sad that he has to be replaced
(for now)
why? well...
look at the floor
the only person who's been in this lab
other than you
is me and it
and that for me
simply won't do anymore

And with that, the cave comes alive
the dust, smog, garbage
are slowly swept away
and the light, such light now
fills this little whole
till all forms that were the past
are removed, lost, forgotten
and left bear

.....
expect for a sofa and a coffee-table
with a mug of hot coffee
a slice of cake
and a spliff on the side
and there I sit,
resting,
breathing
sipping,
smoking,
waiting
to see
what this new form
this new energy
brings my way
Nov 2018 · 675
The return of El Ego
And it breaks
though the silence, the smog
the pain, the screams
Sunshine!
how I have missed you so!
it's warmth
penetrating my brain
as slowly my senses
come back online

...
something is
different
we don't talk anymore
as in
we still do...
...but it's not the same
they say that change is good
but this...I don't agree with
what has changed?
maybe my radars off
or my care-free attitudes'
thrown everyone off
to all payed their dues
and were off on their merry way
whilst I realise
that time for me
like everyone else
still moves forward
my space
does not

I guess I've been alone
too alone
for far too long a time
just me, myself
and I don't like it
this impenetrable coccon of my own making
which till now none have claimed for the taking
protection with a Durex garantee
locking me in when I want to break free
...but I'm locked in without a key!

I guess that's how things are now
forces that change
beyond the safety
of my control
and at the same time
I'm still not use
to this new form
I'm still too weak to fight
again, what fight?
I can barely hold on what
ground I can stand on
knees are still weak
and my back is still broken
mind is still split
between what's real
and what may have never been
tortured by what was daily
still makes me cry daily
with a future
that I've now accepted has been robbed from me

So I stay alone,
safe and sound
behind walls
friends and enemies cannot see through
its *****, it's boring
nothing is ever exciting
life hits a low-low
where nothing happens
because this chapter is
once again
flaccid

...maybe I should be more like you
surrounded by so many friends that I have too little time to keep up with?
or you
juggling too many jobs at once with no time to rest?
or you
shoving your reputation and achievements down others throats so the forces bow down to your might?
or you
concerned about the next post that will make it big cause the only source of happiness in your life?
or you
hard headed, wanting to conquer the world on their own?
or you
the one others look up to as the source of guidence?

No
**** no
if that is the road I must choose
when all else ia used
I demand the universe
returns me to stardust!

I'd rather be
the underdog, who thrives over the leftovers
the ***** who has secrets and stories to tell
the sailor who has looked mother nature in the eye
the artist who struggles to find his muse
I'd rather have Satan slow-cook my testicles over a fire
than reduce myself,
to be grinded down to a dull point,
then be in any way like you

I am better then you
**** it, I said it
though I never needed to
it's just a simple affermation
but I guess
after all this
I have an ego too
it points me in the direction
I want
and it's not driven by what
You expect from Me
and I will chace it
yes, I fucken will
by any and whatever means necessary
because at the end of the day
no one really cares
or looks out for me
like Me
Oct 2018 · 545
Rant #3
Caught in this endless loop
Repetitive, redundent
Grinding out what's left
Challenging this beating heart
To see if it has anything left

Still got no hope left
Heart still beating
I can feel it in my chest
So drained out
I'm washed up
So feed up
I won't eat grub
Cold ankles and joints ackig
Back breaking
Always debating
Whether this world
Is worth it for
It's taking

'I don't want to live anymore
I want to die!'
Strikes fear in the hearts
Of people like you and I
Between the cold self and human help
That shiver is felt
Rocks the ages
Changes paces'
Challenging the question
'are you insane man?'
Then comes the whole list
Of positive vibes
Hoping to turn your life around
Or ask for help
(but know
It's all bull
And even if it'
Not true
You're still shook)

Escapism
Helping to shine a light
In this void of a
Cataclysm
The black hole of
Go or no go
But the problem is
'What's the point of escaping to a world where yours is shuttier than it?'
Oct 2018 · 243
The demons have come again
The demons have come again,
basking in their dark, icky shadows
bringing darkness in their way
turning the light black

The demons have come again
smelling, oozing, laughing?
as the color from the world
is slowly drained from their path

The demons have come again
slow and steady, as large
as mountains, weighing just as much
imposing, immobile, defeating

The demons have come again
shrieks loud enough to wake the dead
the pain draining inside the head
and hunger felt that can't be feed

And slowly their weight is felt
slowly, gradually, progressively
it weighs you down and the
world slowly loses all color
all meaning, all majesty
the sounds deafening
over the opera of thunder

The weight becomes to much to bear
moving through sooth, sludge, oil
it becomes
step
step
step
knee
as the world now rests on your shoulders
the silence becomes a menace
the void of the darkness
the double-edged addictive safe place

Hide under the sheets,
hide under your achievements
hide behind your ego
hide with
warmth, care, rest, love?
they are of no defense to them
defying nature, defying logic
they come, and then quickly
leave.

Until the demons come again
that is...
Sep 2018 · 1.1k
Rant #2
There's a demon that's inside of me
contained in it all the fury
that I'd won't be myself
without 'me'
It draws me nearer to the darkness
that dark edge
honestly, I'd rather be without
and yet I can't confabulate
how I'd survive without it
but once you mess with it,
I get triggered
here comes the real ******
just like in the movies
can you move *****, please?

Go ahead and laugh
let's pause of a minute
and think about
the tragic downfall
of the good boy gone bad
cause now he's mad
and he acts like a gangster
crates a barrier that people get phased off
by no means a show off
too ******* to get off
this ***** and it's ****** up
too bad and in reality,
it's not so sad
that the greater the good of the heart
the more pain and darkness
tears it apart
to feel something that produces so much warmth
stop, freeze and grow cold

The world looses another golden stone
bonds broken and I never thought
I'd find a home away from home
between four walls of thorn up plaster
like a humble slave begging for a master
to please, spare the souls of the ******
to make way from the release of this pain
**** drives you insane
like a heart attack
some though they'd cure
with more *******
wearing a bulletproof vest
and it still finds a vein
what this **** puts me through
would turn anyone else insane!

Way past the other side
so far off the human spectrum
it's a daily struggle to get by
while bones break
I don't need to be woke
when I'm awake!
Heaving myself up **** creek
the future is so bright and distant
it seams bleak
all I hear now is silence
no matter what happens,
I got no choice but to get by this
back to past-tense:
where are my defenses?

This is by no means a cry for help
I can clearly deal with this **** myself
I got no choice
all ships that mourned and port
are now distant specks on the horizon
off looking for other prizes.....
......

I'm just lost for words
how this **** still hurts
how having expectations leads
to furious damnation
and broken promises
shattered without care or affection
who ordered this human damnation?
the need to bond with a fellow human
that's only expressed though insemination?
does anyone else understand this frustration?
this contemplation's
got me so confused and frustrated
it's given me constipation
and at this rate
**** the human race
it moves so fast
that even they can't keep pace!

****** them all!
'what a show off?'
yea, **** it
at least I get off
and share a bit of this pain
a burden for all to bear
the death of a baby sheep
no longer make me weep
or bring mourning
the morning rays
are so painful, it's appalling
it's so painful to see the morning
with all these feelings from my heart
keep pouring onto this oriental carpet
of Indian design
watching the blood soaks the rag
at the speed of time
bleeding fast
going out cold
whilst leaving a mess
my body turns to stone
and it's all over
sound off,
light out
peace and ******* *******!

I'm out.
Sep 2018 · 271
I am a storm
I come rolling over the hills again
winds howling
air electric
with the sound of lighting crackling
and the boom of thunder behind,
always at a false-start
and the rain!
what rain?
this pouring stream of water
falling, falling, falling
till it soaks the ground
removes the dirt from years of hiding,
revealing the truth, the true nature
of what lies underneath

The seas are tubulent now
as the waves fold, twist, bend,
mould themselves into
monstrous waves  racing move across the sea
making boats dance like drunken sailors
if you could call it dancing at all;
as if a chef is icing a cake, but never
brings it quite
smooth enough

Everything is soaked, waterlogged
freezing,
the wind blows past
children hide close to their parents
while others look on eagerly, trying to guess
where the next bolt will strike.
The dog howls and barks at the storm
but it's no use;

For I am not intimidated
for I am much louder
for I can bring
much more furry.

My winds have been around the globe,
blowing through valleys, meadows, forests and grasslands!
My rain has washed the world clean
from fires, dirt, dust, death, debris!
My lighting has sparked the questions
on energy, life, fear and adornment!
My thunder has made you fear the god
by it's loud boom, shaking the bones within your bodies!


I am a storm
of howling winds,
pummeling rains,
thunderous clapping,
flashes of light
and unrelenting wind...


....and I am feared
only cared for and adored from a far
for I am to much for any man
even Lady Nature herself
could ever hope to handle
for only a few have the courage
to reach my Eye,
but even fewer of you would be willing to stay
within this storm
in this world were man
loves the sunshine,
sand
and
sea.
Aug 2018 · 144
The Quiet Ones
Everyone loves the quiet ones
the good one
genuine
loving
caring
everyone loves the silence
except us.

They love the care we bring
the support when moments are though
and envied as a shoulder to cry on
for the weights, the burdens we carry
as so great.

We quiet ones are caused
by those ether too wise to come closer
or too afraid to come nearer
to the depths that is us
and our misunderstandings.

Cursed in  moments
when you're competly alone
with the only thoughts to contemplate
are only yours to bear
where everything is transparent
your worthlessness only visible to youself
and you're invisible
the world goes quite
as you're tapped in a world
you only wish someone
could break into
Jun 2018 · 641
Contradiction
My life
Till now
has been a series of
contradictions

I have been blinded
by the darkest of rooms

I have seen words spoken out-of sobriety

I have heard the silence
in the loudest of rooms
and the shreeking shrieks
of silence

I have felt the rage of solitude
and the loss of togetherness

I have seen the flatness
in the curve of the horizon
and curves
in the straightes of lines

I have felt love
in the hardest of hits
and pain
in the most gentle of touches

I have seen the stars
shine bright in day
and the Sun
illuminating the night

I have felt love
the kind that leaves you hollow
and hatred
that draws you nearer

I have felt the yurning
to return to that room
and the fear
of having to leave it

I have felt the joy
of losing one to that peaceful slumber
and anger
as new life born

I have felt disgust
cursed by my own skin
and glutny
to simply be like the others

I have felt the rush
of the unwilling
and the slowness
of those willing

I have seen the greatest speed
in stationary objects
and stillness
as life flashes past

I have felt the craving
for nee love
and the hate
of old love

I have felt the fear
of independence
and the bravery
of dependence

I have felt the regret
of seeing morning come
and the joy
as the night approaches

I have felt the lust
for things I can have
and the chastity
of what I can't bring back
Jun 2018 · 354
The light in the darkness
I'm tired
of fighting alone
Tired
of fighting the silence
that always becons near
Tired
Of simply feeling
Tired
of the monotony
of just being
Tired

Alone.
In a room of dark
where light
is said to be a myth,
hope drained
or what was left of it
and I fear
the end now beckons near
and
down
down
down
Like a spiral with no grip
Or a leg without a hip
I'll fall
slowly consumed
by the black hole
who's mass weighs
the souls contained of
those consumed by the dark
where light can only hope of escaping

I've feared the dark once
of the demons it's said to contain
till I once meet my own
and realised
man has much darker ones
in store
than the darkness
could ever hope to produce

I'm tired of fighting alone
and I don't want to anymore
I don't want to see the darkness anymore
banish it from existence I will!
I must
For I have
too much to live for!
too much I haven't done!
too much I haven't seen!
Too much I haven't felt!

I don't know how to ask for help
it's something I never learnt
it hurts me sourly for
I don't know how
to let out or see the light
everyone sees in me




But maybe one day
I will.
I
do not remember
the warmth
of another body
and
my understanding and perception
of love
has all
but
been changed
though time and experience,
yet my memory,
which is my own
has no recollection of it.
It's blank.
A scary thing to feel
to see those truly touched by love
and you're to wonder
where's mine?
what's wrong with me?
where is my piece of happiness?

It comes again,
slowly seeping in
and in honesty,
it *****
the limited warmth away
I'm not talking about
what genuinely makes me happy
for you see, I'm an addict of love
an addict caught without his drug
whom has sacrificed himself
to changes different loves bring
till eventually
I lost myself
in the intoxication of
drugs and hormones,
burning myself out

....or rather,
I should say that's what I was
I have come to terms
not just with my flaws
but what's the main problem
down deep in my core
to why
there is never any satisfaction
as to why
what I crave is
the warm embrace of support when the world turns against you
that happy smile that lights up your day
eyes that send you to another universe if you stare at them long enough
the gentle touch that calms the nerves and steadies your aim
the sweet kisses that momentarily stop time
those moments of admiration at the little imperfections
that one spot on their body that you claim as your own
the secrets and little details no one ought to know
the pride felt when the other succeeds
cause you know all the tears wept to get that far

Because you can only fight on your own for so long
and the kind helping hand of a friend
can only hold, lift, carry and heal
so much

That is why I weep
why I can't feel
and why love
is still something
I don't understand
for I
have no memories of it at all
and yet it's still what I crave

I think this is what happens
when you've been alone
for this long
May 2018 · 199
Rant #1
I want a hug
'cause these drugs ain't enough
to keep these demons at bay
sleeping on a bed of hay
poking through the sheets
making it hard to sleep
pains occurring at random
all phantom
but surreal
detached from reality
but all I feel, this is real

Just making an observational acknowledgement
For I fear that all this might not be incomplete yet
Error, hmm, seams like an error
within' the system
I should go down and probably fix this
beep error
hmm, but I could care less

Deafening silence
I can't get by like this
just thinking about it
has me shivering in fits
there's no bliss
just remorse
followed by the devilish vocals
of a heavenly courous
****, this ****'s labourous

Maybe end it all?
just another one with bad luck
in society who took the fall?
I don't really care at all
pop some aderall
to numb what's little left in me
so I don't feel anything at all
and yet the pain keeps creeping
the untouchable part of my mind
that just begging me to die
to stop my heart,
not that it does anything more
than beating
times fleetin'
reality starts seeping
the pain's got you weeping
creeping up,
the needs' so ****** up
delusion of pain
like ****** or *******
injected straight to the vain
to end up
so ****** up
and washed up
with no prospects
and no future investments
what's the point of stopping
for a rest then?
- messing up
when did it all go down hill
and get so ****** up?
what happened to the simpler times?
what happened to the times
we'd sit back as spit rhymes?
Non-existant
evolution comes with it's own
system of countermeasures
like sudden fleeting feats of pleasure
the more intense
the hotter
the better
fusion and contustion
splices by the fires of delustion
or so it seams
voices seams to say that
somethings missing
this beep
error
still isn't getting better
there's a missing link within the system
get that fixed son
broken social interaction
what's this infraction?
how could somethings so
-error-
not trigger a reaction?

Laborious
Fatherless
carrying nothing more or less
regardless,
ingesting words of my victims
fear me
cause that's how the world's been programmed to see
me

but i digree
this is not what i do best
this isn't me
regarless
taking off this vest
I'm tired
exhausted
burnt out and done
tired of screming
at the top of my
lungs
the war has been wage
and the battle heavily fought
and what I was once loosing
now I have lost

So
now
I wait
and prey, or rather hope
that our childhood fantasies
miracles, dreams, wishes
do exist

'Cause I could sure use one right now
Apr 2018 · 220
Sober
Sobriety.
The word addicts fear
And users loath,
For due to a lack of control
One loses hope
Till the light in the abyss
Is far, small, distant.

I don't like being sober
It hurts too much
constantly on edge, eager
to pounce, shoulders hunched
tense
Mind never rested
And always invested
I'm the next thing, the next problem
The next distractions, the next fix

The hopes of enlightenment
In some form of Devine ex machina
Now fails me
As the fog slowly clears
lifted, I open my eyes to my life

And its ****.
I don't like what I see
I was so blinded to all the problems   the delusions and dysfunctional attachments
Broken relationships and shattered emotions
Which sadly now I know will never change and cannot be fixed

The voices and insecurities now slowly creep in
Shuttle, slow
like death through the night
Silent, deadly, accurate
I slowly become aware of the void
It's more in focus now
and with it, my thought flow back to her

Pathetic

How after all this time such thoughts should return
after all these years, I
Still feel the relentless urge to run
not backwards, but to her
To get my fix, or rather
my cure
As my mind is slowly flooded with memories
Of things I don't want to remember
Actions I've done
The person I had once become
The man I once was
What once was and now is
What was family, friends, loved ones
and what is in the here and now

I know it's the void: this much I'm aware of
For even in this absence of light
I still can't shine bright enough
The darkness overwhelming
And with it, I once again drown
Me vs. The world
Heavily outnumbered
Exhausted, beaten, drained
Though now I'm too tired to fight

So alas, I'm ******
Between life ripping me apart
Or my demons shredding my mind
Sleep now sounds like a fairytale
And love a rumoured emotion that brings happiness and joy
And happiness an emotion I can only observe
And joy a satisfaction in ever feel worthy of feeling.

So once again, I pray
That this pain, feeling
This annoying emotion will soon pass
The weight weighing me down
I cannot move
For lifr will not give me the liberty
to be free.

Hence
Like a densile in distress
Waiting for a knight in shining
armour to save my ***
I extend my hand to the universe
And hope that Someone
Anyone
Pulls on the other end.
Apr 2018 · 300
Silence
It's quite now
but for the chirping of the birds
and the  hum of electricity
there are no arguments
just silence

I have what I need
a place to lay my head to sleep
food to keep myself going
water to cleanse my body
friends to keep my company
and family, concerned
as my finances slowly drain
cause being alive is so **** expensive

Between these four walls
the silence becomes defeaning
and slowly they come
hands, arms, tenticles
and other-wordily appendages
come forth to pull me in
back into the Abis
away from the light
and back into the darkness
for I see the brightness around me
but can't seam to find it in myself

I don't want to go
to the place that has no feeling
where the sun doesn't shine
it's light never touching the ground
were it's so cold, desolate, lonely
nothing grows, nothing comes of it
a barren wasteland of
wasted time, energy
draining your will
till you're consumed from the inside-out
cause it aches so much.

Loneliness.
A defiant character in all of us
hidden in a corner
the quietest voice we hear
the one which with greatly fear
pulls us down within oursevles
and we question
how can it be so?

The lack of one by your side,
the tender love and care
that's so hard to come by
cause life isn't fair
hence, why so many of us die
alone.

Hence I pull
against this tide
that vows to stop my progress
because I'm all that's left inside
me alone
fighting against myself
and the sound
of
silence
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