You weren't yourself
you didn't tell us you were leaving
but we knew you would
and if only you could see
We have all changed now
in our own ways
I can't remember us changing like this before
and maybe it's because you haven't been here

Turning inwards
Looking at self
Less time to compare
To the outward space
Of physical worlds
Illusory escapes
No more
Turning inwards
Into the light
The sense of self

I stared at your writing
You had written your name to remove a book from the library
The orange paper now fading
Your ink in red
I imagined your hand holding the pen
Paper you probably thought so insignificant
The significance to me colosal
The subject matter one of my interests
Shared between you and I
Words we will now not speak
Conversations we will never have
I study your writing
And I will think of you instead.

Something tied us together
you said it was
invisible string
the thing that brought us back
when we tried
separating.
A thousand ways to leave
a thousand ways to stay
anything can change in just one day.
Wondering what if,
we wandered apart
invisible string
brought us back to the start.

Our journey alone
Although impossible to be
Lonely
In this place
Encounters infinite
Time travels
New worlds begin
We begin again alone
Yet not

I made your favourite cake
i knew you'd like it
and my body was tired
but i stayed up late to make sure it was ready just for you
just how you like it.
When you told me you weren't coming
something else has come up
I said,
what about the cake
and you told me you would have it another day
because something else had come up
and it did time and time again
and there was only so many times i could bear that feeling
a feeling i wanted to reject
a feeling of feeling a reject.
So I called the whole thing off and you agreed
even then it hurt me to see
you felt the same.
It was my first birthday without you and I guess you thought about what i'd be going through
i watched you walk away after you dropped my present at the door
i thought,
after all this time,
we are strangers you and i
You've left this gift at my door and now i watch your frame walk away
wondering what days
lie ahead for you and I
separately.
Strangers we are now,
when you flicker through my mind
do i wander through yours at the same time.
Once we were,
now -
never to be
our moments in time
separately.

I bought you brazil nuts because I know they're your favourite
We usually share everything
but I don't really like these so they're just for you
I thought it might soften the frown on your face but I was probably expecting too much
I bought you a scratch card and a lottery ticket hoping you would be lucky
We live on opposite ends of the house
few words are spoken
our communication broken
When he died we began to mend
I thought, at least it was for something
Maybe he left for us to find meaning
so that we, you and me
would come together again
Now you offer me a faint smile
and I'm not sure if it's sincere
and I cry tears
thinking that we have missed the point, again.

It’s been so long since I last saw you
Since I heard your voice
We had to throw out some of your clothes
They were getting old
And we’re moving house
Somewhere new
Somewhere where there’s not as many memories of you
They’re hard to escape in the house you lived
The place you left us.

My whole life will have passed by until we meet again
And that’s a long time
My old friend.

I asked her where did you buy the Bob Dylan collage from
You made it apparently
Well then, I must have got it from you
I’ve made so many collages too

I found your bookmark
So I know you were reading about death
I guess you were wondering what was going to happen next
I hope you weren’t worried
It made me worried
Worrying about you
Hoping you weren’t scared about what you were going through

I think we would have got on so much better these days
Back then you thought I was going through a wayward phase

Another day passes
Another moment in time
And I know I will see you again
When the time is right.

You left us and we weren't ready to be here without you
your jigsaw puzzle
a third of the pieces were missing

In the pouring rain -
i felt the rain
and while it bounced off me like the window pane
all i could feel was your pain -
and i wanted to take it from you
like thieves in the market do,
never to return
again.

Solitude summoned me into it's lonely arms once again
and I told you
I'll be right back

Another poem, he became.

The subject
of her pen.

Content pertaining to sadness
titled: the melancholy of love.

I wish you would stop searching for love
within people
and things

the only place you'll find it is if you search within.

Many dreams
so I walked for miles
the blistering heat beating ******* my shoulders
and my heart beat racing against time -
winning every illusory race.
Footsteps -
it brought me right to your doorstep
but you weren't home.

And I searched for you in all the seasons
but all four told me they hadn't seen you -
for a while -
and it had been a while since we had synergised
to create a euphoria only we felt.

An interloper -
somewhere that had once been so familiar
and I was reminiscent of an ethereal being.
Although incredulous of the falsity of my prior truth,
how could I not -
begrudgingly accept the reality of our ephemeral world.

I told her to stop sharing her grief
we had all felt it
but no one else really cared
and would want to be burdened with all that sorrow
sometimes you think,
it might lighten the load
but there are so few now
that really care

Feeling pensive
feeling you
thought of all the **** we put each other through.

Rained tonight
sky's warm and still bright
maybe we'll see a rainbow
you said we just might.

I hated the police sirens
because I couldn't hear what you said

Come closer and sit with me for a while
it's been a moment
since we were wild.
I hope now we're older we can elevate
I hope the sirens stop
so I don't miss a word
and I hope everything I said
you heard.

It was so frustrating that a song
a lyric even
just words really,
would transport me back to the memories of a boy.

He was the beginning of summer
unable to keep me company in the coldest winter.

And the sad reality of the current moment in time was that
I must set my heart free
from this middle place.

I ran for the bus -
late again -
it took off even quicker than you did
and I felt myself walking along steady with the breeze for company
no real conversation there -
provoking thoughts to spin endlessly in my mind
which they did -
from time to time.

Heartbreak had us at our knees
making pacts with God
for him to piece together this old friend of mine

The last few days of summer,
we picked up Chinese food -
as we walked home -
it was still so warm -
even at 9pm -
and the slow trickle of rain made us think we were in Thailand or one of those tropical countries we'd always spoken of travelling to.

Speaking of -
we talked about religion and you told me there was no such thing
just rules and beliefs that we attached to
in order for some purpose.
You asked me to pass you the sweet and sour sauce
because the food was bland
and you hated anything lacklustre -
if it was -
you didn't want it -
so sometimes I was surprised you wanted me
and while we carried on talking about faith and people
i was distracted by this thought but too distracted by fear to ever echo it aloud.

There was silence between us -
tired from it all -
bodies now aching -
but how content I was -
and i basked in how comfortable and satisfying
the sound of nothing was -
no interference -
no white noise -
i didn't know that a sound could taste like home

What if there was free choice
and my fate hadn't already been determined?
Could I choose the red pill even though I was meant to pick the blue
there were infinite possibilities
I could walk into.

Thoughts of you quickly evolved into thoughts of us
and I nearly missed my stop
but luckily the lavender smell on my wrist brought me back to this earthly plane

I wondered whether I should wait for you to text me
while I wondered what you were doing
even though we'd just said goodbye
so caught up in the rapture was I
because I had seen the kindest being through my eyes
Not something I was familiar with in a world that was sometimes so selfish and so self indulged
and then there was you

I thought I would wait to text
as to not be so keen
and my euphoric bliss carried me home
in an other worldly dream

I can't change who I am
but I can change my thoughts
and I can't forget you
not even if I tried
but I can change what I think of you

'I miss you' -
crept into my mind.
I detangled every letter -
like my twisted headphones every morning
and I threw the words away -

not to be echoed into existence.

Here you go again
telling us what's wrong

You tell me the same story with a different character this time,
all I can think is,
you need to learn your lesson before you can move on
the universe isn't finished with you yet
it hasn't even started.

We cried out that our feet were sore
walking into eternity you and I
you said you would carry me
but I didn't want to get carried away

and I didn't want to weigh you down
even further
because I knew what you had taken on your shoulders
and I would never add to that

I didn't need to vocalise
you knew
and we smiled
as we walked into our fate.

Our unique fingerprint
not one the same
it couldn't be serendipity that our blueprints are so distinctly different.

Oceans apart
yet the one moon we all share
that which brightens up the darkest of skies.

It made me think there is more to this human life
than we could ever think of in this lifetime, at least.

The taste of loss -
it was indescribable and there were really no words I could gather together for you to understand.
'You're doing great.'
- that platitude we know oh too well and one that rings around the eardrums of everyone not doing great -
like drums in the parade, you hear it louder and louder aligned with the procession of what was to come next.
The drums stop, uncertainty and silence sweeps in while we all search for an answer.
No one else could really connect with the gravitas of our situation
and while our sorrow began to carry us away -
to another place -
gravity kept our feet firmly to the ground.
We played his old jazz music to make up for the dissonance in the emptier house
the house without his idiosyncratic footsteps
the house saturated with his electric guitars
- but without the player who would use the tips of their fingers for the chords.
Although not pious, we knew you had reached Nirvana and for that I had to be content, give my consent
because the consensus was you never convalesced.
So you transcended and travelled -
while we had spiralled on this earthly plane -
in opposite directions we went
but somehow still it feels like you never left.

I still hadn't really dealt with my sadness
it's funny how your feelings can sometimes swallow you up
whole
without any real logic behind it
that really was power of thought.
I created this vision of you and I
and saw the future in my mind's eye
but we both know that never came to pass
you saw something different and chose another path -
and that's totally okay
because somethings are just not meant to be
although I saw it differently
for you and me.

I can't just write without purpose
that would be too easy
and I definitely couldn't write about you again
the subject of all my thoughts -
my entire content -
the centre of it all.
This time
this time, they say, it will be different
we will rewrite our stories with something new and unimaginable
this time
this time.

We were so detached from the others
our voices sore and aching from the cosmic conversations which had before cluttered our minds but now dripped from our tongues like water on the leaking tap.
You and I, the explorers of this monolithic place,
where the inertia of it's inhabitants had spread like wildfire
we were the resistance.

You sat on my bed and told me that we needed to speak
I hadn't even finished putting on my new bed sheets
so -
I really wasn't ready to have this conversation
and I was so tired
You told me things are black and white but I just shook my head
and I told you
there are so many colours in between
but I wasn't going to paint your world for you.

I was so conscious of your conscience
like a corrupt politician
too many contrasting thoughts you were thinking
and we were now at war
too complex to resolve
too easy to dismiss
unwilling to hear any words dispersed from the others lips
every syllable missed
but I thought about what Dad would have wished.

We thought we had learnt from the past
but there was still the same rage
and it really was just another day
we were thinking with the same minds
no clear blue sky.

Picking me up from Bethnal Green at 8am in the morning after I've had another crazy night out
Feeling lost and alone
Mind wandering and heart endlessly racing
Unable to go home and the only person that I know and needed there to save me was you
It was tasteless of me but the taste of comfort really was priceless
And even though we didn't speak for hours while I lay there filled with regret
You regretfully on my mind again
wondering what you're thinking
It was really sad because even though we weren't right for eachother you were always right there for me
3am
8am
I am -
thanking you again for just being there.

It should have been home and instead it was the equivalent of rounds of no Brexit deal tribulations
We were largely at war, it was the Renaissance of our sour relationship
which we thought had been swept under the bristles of the front door mat
but the residual anger had decided to rise to the surface and encompass our relationship once again
Relationship is a funny word, almost,
it is like we are on a ship, facing the tides and the currents
the smooth sailing -
but that never lasts, not really.

I leave the house and feel your eyes burning behind my back
you're not sure if I will come back -
because he didn't
but you've asked me to leave as it's now destroying you.
I'm not really sure what you mean because you've never properly explained not in a coherent way anyway.
All the words get lost
letters are muddles up and now there's a slanging match with words that aren't even in the dictionary,
I look them up later to check.

I've had enough
and so have you
some relationships don't last until the end instead they sail and drift away.

I thought about you
The sun was shining irregularly for such a winters day
And I remembered how much you loved the sunshine
I remembered how much you loved me and how promises of forever had flown from your lips all the way into my arms that were stretched out ready to catch them.
Words really are just words
Because on the hottest of days you were so cold
And there was so much space between us
What was unsaid was still heard
And it really hurt-
My heart,
But that’s just how some stories go.
The polarities between you and I
Were now so vivid in my minds eye.
Bus journeys sat in silence
Dinner eaten without a word spoken
A love we thought
But now totally broken
And the contrast between you and I
So vivid and unpredicted
In my minds eye.

When you feel like the battle has been lost
remember one thing
you chose every moment
and there was nothing in this world you could not carry

How magnificent is that moment
when we realise
what we have been searching for
the blinding light
it came from you

While we stood together
we were miles apart
I did not want you to be connected to this
a frequency not quite there
yet.
While sorrow still crept through me
you were so so still unaware of it all
a life untouched by pain
if only if only.
As I connect with my memories
healing slowly
I will know you are there
and we will be together.

Another year silently disappears
We look out at the bleak grey sky
There's something different
This time our trajectory is so so clear

We walked through the dirt
but our path was so absolute
The air was so crisp
Wind skimmed our face
Our journeys, they led us face to face

And there was nothing that we couldn't take
No element in this world we were unable to face
and that was the change
we changed it all
the inner voice -
we heard it call

I couldn't deny the words I heard
you heard it too
it was like a singing bird
a robin that wouldn't stop
and a message so distinct
we could never forget.

As the next year slowly draws in
what we know
we welcome it
with arms open wide.
It belongs to you,
the words echo in my ear
you must embrace it every single year.

I lay my book down
and stared up at my grief,
why are you still lingering?
There had been so much loss
of love
and life
I wasn't going to repay this forward
I buried it with the rest of the memories
at least they had each other.
When you feel like I have drifted
just know that sometimes I need to find solace
in my self
and this feeling was not a reflection of you
but we are reflections of each other
mirror images
all of us -
one by one
- one.
While the universe had given me you
I would refuse to give you back.
You were the answers to the myriad of questions
and somehow I let you know
that I would never leave you behind
in any sense -
it made sense,
for our lives had already seen enough.

We took the photos down from the wall
we couldn't bear to look at them all.
But thoughts of you crept in my mind
they never were far behind.
I tore through the pages of the photo albums
trying to remember
but my mind was so clouded.
A younger you and a younger me
my heartbeat raced
it was trying to break free.
It broke everyone when you left
1 - 2- 3 we were missing a guest
the missing seat
the missing card
my mind tormented, my mind scarred.
Still -
unable to utter to the others
the pain swirling inside still undiscovered
still unwilling to escape
surely your exit was a mistake.
The emotions of loss come in the unlikeliest of waves
and I thought of us then, in the sea
memories that I cannot suppress.
Walking past the living room,
where I expect to see you smile
but no one is there and they haven't been for a while
All our lives, they flow like waves
I will think of you
the rest of my days.

Sometimes I feel like I don't know if you were really here
I'm not sure how but all the memories have disappeared
whether they were suppressed
it was probably for the best
and everyone is trying to suggest -
to me
that I talk to someone outside of the family
and try to gain some stability.
But all I can really think about is the journey you went through.
In the end
words can never mend the loss of one of your first friends,
one of the first people that held your heart.
My dad, the one who was there from the very start.

December what a cruel month you can be
and so deceiving.
Tears remain hidden behind presents and bows
advent calendars are opened -
and disguise the woes.

The lonely barren trees
will cast the most magnificent of shadows
despite yearning for the warmer fruitful months
to be upon them.

His cri de coeur was not as clandestine
as he thought
and his solitude was louder than the barren trees
screaming and wailing it called to me.
There I stood
on the coldest day
and with no uncertainty of what he needed to see -
I told him:
Nor I, nor you, can be defeated by the winter months
for the most magic moments are often defined in the cold
and now we were old -
infinitely enamoured by what we had discovered.

The promise of the burning sun -
you never stop to shine,
even in
December.
Your rays are sublime
how
blinding this light,
this light of mine.
It is within me
and all of us
combined.

The art of acting like we are superior
in fact, so many are internally inferior.
They try to impress
and falsify their truth
they will not help their brothers
they will not help you.

Cogitation can lead to an astonishing moment
one otherwise not realised
and I am such a proponent -
for becoming synergised with it all
how paramount for me to negate any fall
and I grabbed the golden gates
with all of my might
I tore them open
illuminating the dark night.

All the way through this enlightening journey
was the message that I was yearning -
for you to see
the compassion innate within me -
to you
my brother I am always here for you.

When I climbed to the top
I lent you my hand
there was no way I could leave you
I will always have a spare hand.

For the foreboding fear of kindness dissolving
all over the world,
a lesson is bursting
at the seams to be heard.

The seas are tired
the forests are crying
our robust world's weeping is symptomatic
of the times.

If only all could lift
it would be a marvellous thing
for we are all connected
in this funny life -
it's such a funny thing.

When it rains, it pours
and I don't know what to do.
When it rains, it pours
and I shouldn't be missing you
and I shouldn't be missing you.

What could have been
was what we lost,
our mistakes
at a cost.
At first glance, such a beguiling love so
how
could it diminish to such a prosaic space?
I guess we were in such a
race
to feel it all
and it was the most tumultuous, clamorous fall.
The puerile arguments of when I came home late -
how facile you acted when I tried to really piece together the broken pieces of us,
you told me not to make such a fuss
and your facetious nature of it all
left me with a foreboding sense of our downfall.
You became braggadocious
and I just couldn't stand it so maybe
we reached our apex
and this is for the best.
Irregardless of it all,
I think of that epoch from time to time
the special love when you were mine
the sublime notion of finding you
someone I would have searched universes to find
if only
if only
we could rewind.

The cold wind
it called me in
and wrapped around me
like the bow of sin.
We walked for miles and shed our mistakes
it's funny how much can happen
in one heartbreak.
We met the wise man that told us what we already knew
the secrets of this world
were not secret to me and you.
Dropped to the ground and kissed his feet
I begged for him to save me from this defeat
and he said he would
he only knew how
a lesson can be learnt in the here and now.
The cold wind
it let me go
it unwrapped quickly and dropped off like a bow.

Why are you not sitting on your chair in the kitchen
waiting for me to cook you something nice, I had promised after all
and it's been too long that you've been missing.
Watching you in the living room reading your Tolkien books but they have outlasted you
for you are not there
and they sit untouched on the tall bookshelves,
I look at Mr Bliss sometimes
until it makes me upset and I swiftly put it back with the others.
Lonely guitars now sit
with no one to play them
won't you return to play Along the Watchtower
and I promise I'll sing along this time.
Can you please answer my questions about magic?
Magic you are to me.
I look at pictures of you and us until my eyes cannot continue the flood
there was too much love
and not enough time
I cannot help but be reminded of you
there are so many memories
of what we went through.
Countless attempts  to bargain with God
for you to come back
but he will not agree
it's too late
my broken heart will have to be.

Today a thousand tears I cried
because you are not here by my side
although I have tried to dismiss as many memories as I could
today proved difficult
because it is your birthday
and it is hard to forget giving you a birthday card
and I cannot remember the last time I said 'Dad'
it is so odd to say aloud
and I wonder if you can hear.
I hope I grow up to be just like you the child inside of me screams so loud
because you really were the magic of it all
and I couldn't see your light
as much as it shines so powerfully now
the fondest memories if I allow myself to remember
and I wish we had written together
Do you remember making me sing while you played guitar
House of the Rising Sun
I wish we could go back
I will try to remember
and I love you Dad,
Happy birthday to you.

If only I could wish you happy birthday today
If only you were here in the present day
now all my poems surround your departure
the saddest day when I lost my father

I came here a lot when dad was ill
and it really made me feel -
like I just couldn't breath
suffocating in silence
with nothing to
appease -
the pain
the loss of love
it is so insane.

It's not a unilateral decision
when you decide to leave earth
it really affected everyone
but I know you would argue
you didn't have a say
and maybe I am just looking for someone to blame
because the aching heart
is an unreasonable thing
Oh and what a double entendre,
a funny thing.

Your equivocal life
I didn't seek to know enough
now we all sit around your boxes of stuff
your books of Tolkien stand proudly in their place
life's journey
what a race
but you
you finished too early
and now You are gone
my dear
so many tears
and I will play the saddest of songs.