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stas Jan 2019
I've been sporting and eating healthy food.
Because this time, I'm really trying to feel good.
But every minor setback feels like I'm being stabbed in my heart.
My soul, heart and body are covered in blood.
And I keep saying to myself that I am enough.
So why am I still this ****** up?
Is it because I was raised with no real love?
Or is my brain not well functioning anymore because I used too much drugs?
How does all this pain come from one broken heart?
Just give me some love.
Then maybe, I can give you some trust.
Maybe you can love me back to life.
I don't care what other people are saying, you make me feel really nice.
Maybe you could help me get rid of my knifes.
If I could only say this in real life.
Then maybe, I wouldn't have carfed "HELP" into my skin.
Then maybe, I wouldn't have wondered where you've been.
Then maybe, I would've let you in.
stas Jan 2019
beauty, in all shapes and sizes.
So why does everyone get labeled?
A brand, so people rocognize us.
Don't make the price too high,
don't make the price too low,
or they don't want to buy us.
We are all different, we are all unique.
So come out of your shell and take a peek.
We can all find what we seek.
If we could only help eachother.
It doesn't matter if you're a stranger or my brother.
We don't have to be rude to one another.
And it's okay to have a secret lover.
Stop shaming each other.
Just show a little love to one another.
stas Jul 2018
"Dig the knife a little deeper"
the voices screamed,
so deeper and deeper I went.

As the knife dug in
my body screamed,
but the voices silenced it.

my skin begged and begged for more,
just one more cut in my fleshy skin.

The rush,
the kick,
has just set in.

But I am no longer myself.
The demons have taken over,
and I am inappropriately happy.
not alone
stas Jun 2018
I used to think
"why don't people like me?"
I thought I was
smart but not too smart
calm but never boring
excited but not annoying
pretty but not jealous making
caring but not obsessed

because aren't we all the hero in our own perspective?
because why would you do something if you dont think its good?
because if we wouldn't, we couldn't live with ourselves

like in ghostbusters
the Mayer probably things he is doing the right thing
the ghostbusters destroy the town and just scare people
but the moviemaker makes it look like he is the bad guy
we all wanted him to just shut up
and he was just trying to do the right thing

so it really is all about perspective
if I had a boyfriend he wasn't allowed to flirt with other girls
but if a girls boyfriends flirts with me
I laugh, I bring her into the conversation, but I don't walk away

so when you think you are doing the right thing
look at yourself
matterfact step outside your body and look at yourself
watch how you are playing yourself
its all about perspective
stas Jun 2018
If my room was on fire
I don't think I would run
If my room was on fire
I don't think I would be afraid

If my room was on fire
I would be watering my plants so they wouldn't dry out
I would paint the flames on my desk
I would sit on my bed and get hypnotised by the flames

My room is on ******* fire
and all I can do is enjoy the heat
stas Jun 2018
Lets be honest now
aren't you afraid of love?

Because its one of my biggest fears
Afraid that I won't be enough

Somebody broke my heart
because it was too complicated
All around me I see all these people in love
and I swear I ******* hate it

I don't just mean relationships
I mean, aren't you afraid to lose your dad?
love makes you weak
            it makes you vulnerable
                      it makes you sad
so why do we want it that bad?

we would ****
just to get a little bit
a little bit of love
is it really worth dreaming of?

if it is
than I don't want it

because when im hurt
they hurt with me
and I don't want them to hurt
I just want to be free

so I got to let go
because when no one cares anymore
I can finally loose controle
stas Jun 2018
I was so broken
the cracks in my heart went so deep
deeper than the ocean
all I did was sleep

I wanted to sleep my pain away
sometimes I still want to
but I don't
because im trying to better my life,
keep my **** organised,
stay away from my knifes

but last weekend I was alone
not lonely, but alone
I was connecting to my body again
nobody was there to judge the things that I did
I was laying in the grass
looking at the trees
meditating, streching, praying, painting
all the things I like to do but I'm scared to
scared that people judge me doing them

but in that moment
after the weekend reconnecting with myself
I finally felt happy
my cracks were filling up with joy
I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop smiling

that moment
that short moment
I will never forget
I finally felt hope again
I hope that if you read this and you are almost out of hope, things do get better! I didn't believe it first but that short moment gave me so much hope. I know you can feel it too!
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