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 Dec 2018 joan
I suppose if the arts had any real power
Michaelangelo's David could have healed my brother
Rimbaud could have saved Hiroshima
Monet could have painted the world in shades of peace
Desiderata could have protected me
But this is the real world
And where poetry once grew comes the art of fabrication
Dali's obras are no longer enough to make me forget
Moonlight Sonata never warned me of this hurt
The waltz never healed a broken family

I suppose if the arts had any real power
Beethoven wouldn't have gone deaf
Van Gogh would have been happy
Hemingway would have loved better
And Ginsberg wouldn't have been afraid to love

Yet here they all are
When the only light I see is on hundred year old canvas
When the only solace I have is a dead man's words
When the only thing that keeps my heart thundering
Is the promise of a Boticelli ending in Picasso figures
All colors, beauty, light and metaphors
The promise of a Renaissance gleaming in the ashes of prose

This is the real world
I suppose if the arts had any real power
It would heal more than just my heart
It would build me a new Garden of Eden
And I'd pave a way to nirvana
So the world could join hands
And start anew

But it's saved me for now
That is enough.
 Nov 2018 joan
i have a really hard time with change
sometimes i cannot get out of bed
sometimes i cannot stop moving
sometimes my heart feels like a stopwatch
sometimes i beg my heart to stop
i cry a lot
most times i do not know why
sometimes my brain forgets it needs sleep
i stay up all night to ponder the productive things i could be doing
sometimes i sleep for days on end
my body has stopped feeling hungry
there are days where i completely forget to eat
there are days when food is my only comfort
i am very sad
i am very nervous
i am going to be okay
please do not worry, grandma
i am sorry i cannot feel normal
i am sorry sometimes it is too hard to fake happy
 Nov 2018 joan
Bathroom tiles
 Nov 2018 joan
The tiles of my bathroom floor make friends with my demons as i sit there and cry wanting to die. i look at myself and all i can see is a broken down reflection of what used to be so whole. So i sit on the floor clutching myself as i break down to pieces i will never find.
She was so broken that she couldn't piece herself together anymore
 Nov 2018 joan
take me to the ocean. i miss her. i haven't touched her waves in so long. i want to feel the cold water on my skin. i want to touch the whole world. i am a storm. i can relate to the rage. the moments of calm. the overwhelming pain. i can feel it. the agony. take me to the ocean. i miss her. take me. take me to the ones with coniferous trees on the beach. the grey mist. the empty beaches. the cold breeze. take me there. just take me away from here. and when i die. cremate me. and spread my ashes along the waves.
 Nov 2018 joan
my soul is drawn to yours and nothing will change that.
 Nov 2018 joan
you know how to make such a bad day into something so much better.
*      ·   
   ✦                      . ˚   
                                                          ✦      · .
  ·     . .   *    *  . * .         ·
·           ·✷ *              +     ·   ⊹  . ˚  ˚    ˚     * . who will mourn the world ˚
+   ·  when there is nothing left?+                ˚
+   ·        *   ✺ ˚ ⊹           ✵      ˚ +    . .          ˚    ✷ ·  .   .       · *      ⊹   . ⋆ ˚
*       *      ·   
   ✦                      . ˚
·           ·✷ *                  +     · ✵           ✫    * .      * .  .
I felt like space
so so alone
 Nov 2018 joan
Eleanor Rigby
Your smile is a million suns
The galaxy never knows night
When you're happy.

-- Eleanor
 Nov 2018 joan
Pablo Neruda
I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.
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