You whisper to me,
"How would you describe us, baby?"
I take a long look at you, eyes filled with desire,
and I say
"You are simply honey,
the one that's raw,
the one that warms your lips and tickles your tongue,
the one whose taste you'll remember, but still long to taste it again 20 years later.
You're the honey that I don't want to, and neither I can, remove from my lips."
You're stuck in between my teeth, love,
sweet and irresistable,
that's what you are.
There's no other honey in the world like you, you know?
Even those dark eyes of yours
resemble a dark colored honey.
They sparkle and dance while you're gazing at mine
and I can't help but smile.
"But, long story short,
this is the way I would describe us:
You? You are the most delicious honey that has ever touched my skin.
And I? I'm just **** allergic."

last night i found out that you still hold a cigarette between your lips and i just want to smack your stupid face for not quitting,
but what hurts me even more is that you didn't offer me yours and i have been thinking of buying one pack myself and drowning myself in pity and coughed smoke/

what i hate to admit is that you look even more beautiful with a cigarette between your fingers but i refuse to go back to my old self, to the old me who loved the boy with no heart, with smoke in his lungs instead of air, the boy with charming smile, because he wasn't even real, it was a person my mind had created in hopes he would become even more beautiful than he already was/

but at least i hope you had fun on new years and i'm thankful that some girl's lips weren't pressed against yours at midnight, but i don't love you anymore, so i don't know why i even care/

but even with smoke in his mouth, i knew i wanted to kiss him and savor his taste, which i only had presumptions of-
maybe his tongue was a mixture of mint and hurricane or strawberries and sun kissed rose pedals or maybe chocolate and rain but i felt dizzy and out of place when the realization hit me that i will never find out how his lips tasted and felt against mine/

my father warned me about
boys with black, dead hearts
but he hadn't even realized
that his deranged daughter
had become a girl with that same
kind of heart and she was scouting
for boys with nice ones, so she could
break them to pieces
and stomp on them.

but every time she tried,
she was the one who ended up
with a damaged, scratched heart
and she loathed herself for that,
the way she let herself feel even
the slightest bit of pain again.

but she coaxed herself that if she felt,
she was still human and she hasn't turned
into a emotionless, cold blooded monster,
yet.

i.
i met a boy with light brown eyes
and a nice smile, with glitter in his hair
and no blood on his hands, and
he reminded me of the rain and
sun at the same time.

  *ii.
he sometimes looked at me but it
wasn't with the same passionte eyes
i viewed him and i was certain he wasn't
longing for me to kiss his neck and graze
my teeth on the thin skin of his collarbone.

   iii.
he fascinated me in ways i couldn't even explain,
his mind was the ocean i wanted to dive in and explore,
but i found myself unable to swim in the deep water,
and i couldn't find a way out on the surface, i felt myself
drowning and his arms, which didn't even reach out for me,
couldn't save me.

    iv.*
i was buried by his laugh and drugged on his smile
but i couldn't wish for a more lovelier death.

i'm sick and cold and shaking and coughing the venom that is you and you have poisoned my blood and my heart isn't beating the same anymore and you are so painfully beautiful it hurts//

i loved him more than anything and i missed his smile like the flowers miss the rain but there were stroms and lightning and i couldn't stop crying over him but he was just shining and i always wondered where he went with his friends and if he had started smoking cigarettes or if he ever got drunk and tried to call me but remembered he didn't have my number, though i'm sure i haven't crossed his mind this year//

the snow seems warmer without you and you should know by now that i hate warmth and i always preferred the cold, maybe that's why i always loved you, you were colder than the ice i slipped on and fell and i fell for you and i still have no clue why i compare you to the weather//

i've been slashing blood for him even though he doesn't care but maybe i should show him my wrists and he would run away but i‘d tell him it's all him, he did this with his pity laugh that reminded me of bitter coffee and black chocolate but he would still leave, boys with deadly smiles and clear minds and rough hands who play tennis in the rain always leave and they always ruin girls with nice hearts and sparkling eyes and flushed cheeks and freezing lips who love to chase them//

maybe it's sort of pathetic how you were my very first thought in 2015
and how i couldn't watch you smile as the clock struck twelve but i guess i'm just never good enough for your presence
i hate how you're cold and i always burn and you could freeze me with your eyes if you‘d ever look at me but i'm only firing flames and you don't seem to notice and you're clueless to my sadness or just want to be
and you don't look at me anymore
you never smile and i never smile and i guess the world is a sad place and the stars don't shine and my heart doesn't sing and my lungs dont breathe without your smile
the sound of your name is my favourite melody and your voice is my favourite tune and you're the song i can't stop listening
and i noticed how your friend mentioned your name and then searched for a reaction in my eyes, he would stop for a second and scan my face for a change of the sound of your name and i feared they might see you behind my eyes because it's all i ever see,
he told me tales of how you missed your bus and chased it and i could just imagine your flushed cheeks, i guess you're used to this weather and he asked me about you and i just smiled and denied but it was all a lie since i still love you but to be honest i never actually stopped no matter how much i tell myself i did
you were my first dream of 2015 and i fear you're gonna stay just that when i want you in reality and i know these two weeks are gonna be hell without you but maybe hell is exactly what i need since you're my heaven, the heaven i don't even deserve and the moon is hidden behind the clouds and it feels like you're hidden behind time
i hope time doesn't erase you from my heart no matter how much i hate you,
maybe you'll never understand that you are the sun with a soul of a winter and i'm just a storm with a loud thunder.

my dad started smoking again,
but that's okay,
now we can share a cigarette
as he tells me about life being hard
and i tell him about how nobody loves me,
but then he will throw the cigarette on the ground
and hug me so tight, i'll actually
believe his lies.

i.
there's something melancholy,
something tragically beautiful
about loving someone who doesn't love you

ii.
there is a certain sadness
of bleeding for someone who
wouldn't even shed a tear for you

iii.**
and there is a certain romance
to reaching out and falling to the floor
and falling for you and crying silent storms
of unexpected kisses and warm hugs.

I wanna get really drunk and tell you all the things I'm too afraid to tell you sober,
and I want you to call me drunk and whisper my name and tell me that you've been in love with me all along but we both know how stubborn i am and how proud you are and we both know that you deleted my phone number a long time ago and you're not planning on calling it any time soon but that's okay,
I'm okay.
I'm fine without you, no matter how much my heart burns and my head aches of your absence and how I find relief in my own puddle of tears, mixed with blood, bled only for you.
You were my sunshine when i wanted rain, and my star when I wanted clouds and I guess I was just the skip of your heartbeat, and just a mere breath taken away,
I still think about kissing you all the time, but it seems to hurt much more now as my hopes turned to cigarette butts and you being mine turned to dust.
I guess you were just the fog polluting the air, and I found it hard to breathe around you, you were the summer rain nobody wanted but I liked summer rains, they washed all my pain away, while the sun was still shining.
Maybe I was just the dirt on your shoes, you cleaned me over and over again, making me disappear and I always came back on rainy days where you accidentally step into a puddle of mud and I'm once again stuck on your shoes.
The frickle of sparkle in your eyes has me thinking and everytime I look myself in the mirror and focus on my dull eyes, all I see is you.
I wonder what kind of thoughts cross your mind every time you lay your eyes on me, and it's so wrong of me to be satisfied with the smile of pity on your face everytime you see me.
And i keep rereading all the sad poems I ever wrote you and it made me realize how much I was in love with you and how that unrequited love is slowly dying and fading away, the wind taking all the dust and broken pieces you left of me and making them sink into the sea.
Maybe this is your way of showing your power, the control you have over me, to brag to your friends about the pathetic girl who is in love with you and sees you through different eyes and finds you eternally fascinating.
And as i look through the window pane of my dad's car while we‘re driving through town, i see you in my own reflection and I see you on the sidewalk holding some other's girl hand and I see you in the moon and all the stars and rushing cars and I can't help it but you're my every thought, you have possesed me and I don't think I'm gonna survive this storm and I'm not even sure that I want to.
You're the fire and flame and I'm just a melted candle under your stare.

i lost you, and with that,
                  i lost myself.


                             **i just gotta accept the fact that
                             the girl who is gonna leave her
                             taste on your tongue realizes
                             how lucky she is going to be
                             to just touch your lips and
                             make you laugh.

you were the liquor i couldn't afford
and the cigarettes i didn't smoke.
you were the thoughts i couldn't
make up into words and
the covered bruise on my neck.
you were everything and nothing to me,
at the same time,
if that's even possible-
because you were the universe,
with galaxies in your eyes and
i wasn't even a star, babe.

**** you left my lips
black and cold and
unwanted and drunk and
unable to kiss another
teenage boy without still
tasting you on the tip of
my tongue.

and i'm scared because if
somebody says your name accidentaly
out loud, i swear i'm gonna
explode in screams and storms
and cry myself to death, 'cause
even the sound of your name out of other
person's lips, sounds so beautifully
devine to me, and my skin is sensitive
and still untouched, ready to be burned
by your flaming fingertips,
but what if you never want me to burn?

I hope I stop writing
poems about you when-
you're never gonna read them,
they are a reflection of my thoughts,
my mirror on a paper,
my unexplained feelings towards you,
and so, if you do ever stop
being the inspiration behind my poems
I will stop missing you,
longing for your touch and love,
and oh, how I hope
I‘ll stop losing myself in the
gleam in your eyes.

today I realized that
you haven't left my heart completely,
there is still so much more of
you in there,
I realized love was blind and
not even a thousands poems
will matter to you,
I realized I filled myself
with lies I didn't even believe,
I filled myself with hatred,
I realized I still give a ****
about you, I still think of you
when the night settles,
and no matter how many
playlists I make you and
no matter how many songs
will be written about you,
you will never look at me
the way I look at you,
and I'm sorry it took me
this long to realize
that I'm not worth your time,
no matter how many times
I see you in my eyes,
I realized we will never fit,
we don't match, no matter
how many times I try to
capture your attention
with my cherry lips and
emerald eyes.

it‘s funny you know,

how i need other people to forget about you,

but then they leave and i'm left alone with my thoughts, once again,

and all my thoughts are about you,

so, i guess you could say it‘s just the
two of us, darling.

when you put your lips
on mine,
that feeling is something
indescribable,
delicate.

and i though i would
get used to that magical feeling.

but as soon as i experienced it,
you were gone,
forever.

and i never tasted your lips again,
or saw your face again,
or heard your voice again.
you were completely gone.

*and i was not prepared for it.

i'm sorry,
i'm just really sorry
for chasing you
and holding your hand
when you turn away
and for hugging you
from behind when
you don't even want me.

*i'm sorry//

but she brought the rain
and clouds and storm
and thunder.

and all he brought was
the sun, and it outshined
her completely.

after all, everyone liked
the sun and
no one liked the rain.

then again,
maybe i‘m just insane
for thinking
you can look
at me with the
same eyes I look
at you.

and that tuesday night,
i didn't expect much,
i thought it would all
go down in falmes,
but it turned out
to go up in the sky,
and as i felt your eyes
on me, i looked up
and smiled at the stars
for having you next to me,
where you are supposed to be
and to be so fortunate,
so privileged to have your eyes
on me, so lucky to have
met your eyes and seen your smile,
because it is the most beautiful
thing i have ever seen, baby.