like a cigarette, ignited and raised to your scornful lips
you made me your addiction
and i let you consume me

the most self-destructive thing i have ever done
wasn't the red slashes on my arms
or my bruised knuckles and broken walls,
it was the moment i made someone my happiness
and my beacon of light.

“Are you OK?” “Yeah.”
Not really, but you wouldn't understand

“How are you feeling?” “Great.”
Terrible but I can’t tell you because you’d ask why

“Where’d you get that cut?” “Rollerblading accident.”
That’s always the perfect excuse

“Is there anything you’d like to confess to?” “No.”
Yes

“Do you regret anything?” “Yeah, going ice skating.”
Being born.

“Have you felt sad lately?” “No, I’m really happy.”
I feel sad all the time

“Why were you crying?” “Just finished a sad book.”
You don’t want to know

“What book?” “Looking For Alaska.”
The book that told the story of my life

“Are you sure you’re OK?” “Definetly.”
*Definitely not

Today I almost lost you,
for real and forever.
Your sister called and said someone had put a gun at your head, that someone wanted to take you,
that someone had tried to hurt you.
I felt numb and instantly shred a tear.
Thank God you are fine.
Thank God they realized it wasn't you who they wanted.
Thank God you are alive.
In that moment I didn't care if you were mine or not, I just wanted you safe.
I'm so relieved you and I are still breathing the same air.
"Tell him I love him"
That's the first time you are going to hear those words from me and your sister is going to say them.
***** that "I quit to you" thing.
I can't quit loving you.
I don't care anymore if we end up together or not.
I just want to love you more.
I want to know wherever you are, you are ok.