yes ... a major writers' block*


With a vengeance
I hit the key board
breaking it into shards...

the As, Ws and Bs
spill all over trying to
seek succor in my verse
if only to protect their
bleeding backs
and injured selves.

Tearing my heart apart
I look for a canvas
to sooth their
tormented nerves...


...only to find
a void so deep that...

it fills every crack...

Butterfly carcasses
trampled on soft spring time mattress
Clipped wings flutter


in black skies... oozing
with silent screams.Muffled a
tear drop blends


with another acid rain
splashed on a shrieking terrain.


------------------------------------------------------­-------------------

Strangely this evening
I am reminded of another dusk
when some winters ago
from the freezing skies
plopped a single raindrop
Bearing the scent of
Your springs
autumns
and deceased summers.


I thought I was immune to seasons
Yet I celebrate
Draw colorful patterns on wet earth
And fly kites on embracing skies.

Sometimes..
My alive-ness surprises even me…

25th December 1999:My elder one Pradyumna  entered into this world.That was the day I was born …I call him my first Christmas gift and tell him I found him in a stocking (of course he no longer believes it )

Pradyu…I love you …and to all the readers out here…”Wish you all a Merry and joyous Christmas ..and great fun filled days ahead ”*



As those ***** cries
Pierced the late afternoon chill
I was born…


I was unsure
… hesitant..
Always needed to be reassured
I was growing up fine


I crawled
Stumbled
Fell…


With your
Drooling
Dribbling smile
You gently lifted me up
And guided me
To my first steps


I had nightmares…
You nestled me in your
Warm pink breaths
Till I would nod off
No longer afraid


Now I can safely say
I have learnt to walk
(with my head held high)
I no longer wake up
With nightmares.

But all the same
I need to be reassured…
...I am doing just fine…


So…
… come …just hug me…

Now...I could float like...
that playful cloud
over your blue skyway
teasing your senses
with promises of
a sporadic shower
... feeling complete and wholesome
in this brimming femininity.

Or I could be that
capricious breeze
that dries away the
last drop of sweat
on your tired brow
with her moody...
fleeting touch ...yet...
...feeling assured in her passing quirks...

But here I am ...
a tiny spark
in your eye
curling your lips
into an occasional smile

Let me dwell there
this instant...
...and... till all the space
shrouding my mystery
fades into ...
...A HAZY OBLIVION....

(And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
Kahlil Gibran)

--------------------------------------------------------­-------------------------------

I am the unlived dream
waiting to gather wings
and fly across your soils.


I am also the unborn thirst
seeking to seep deep
into your roots.


I am your footsteps
treading softly
in my muse.


I am that thick smoke spiraling
towards heaven’s gates.
When your pyre was quietly lit


I am also the grey ash
languishing on this wasted Earth.



I am
A COMPLETE YOU
and…..
AN EMPTY ME…

Sometimes epiphany comes at unexpected places*


Her spirits take off on
ecstacy's
unprecedented flight
as each sensuous
raindrop kisses...
...her parted lips.


The sleepy puddles
on the wet alley
beckon her playful feet
to tickle the ripples
on their dormant...still surface.




Hugging the wet sky,
she whispers into
the wild wind's ear:
I love him not...*



...and With that... once more she
becomes the rain's own child
embracing the earth with
a ferocity hitherto unknown...

She was always the darkness's angel.
Pale moonlight envied her ivory skin.
Wild Zephyr delighted in playing with her untamed locks.
Today's the night- she thought
with a child like glee
hugging the stars

Pleasure mingling with ecstasy
she watched it
her pet scorpion
climbing... coursing
the smooth terrains
of her undulated skin
with the dazzled sheen
of a black pearl


With every breath
an anticipating eternity
...her moment finally arrived
as her pet stung her once...
...then twice as she had taught him to...
...on places that bled the most-HER HEART.


...then rushing to HIM-
-lurking in sins' dark shadows...
she locked her lips
tightly with his...


...till the
venom shrouding
...her soul faded...
...leaving her LIBERATED...

My tenses –
PRESENT
PAST
…future…
Creep into my soul in unison
...and in a voice
dripping with PASSIVE eternity
Scream
C
O
N
T
I
N
U
O
U
S

Momentarily deafened
I give up on GRAMMAR…

And gather the strewn words

Maybe…

I would need them to fill the gaps...
... in my verse brimming with INFINITIVES...

She taught him to love …and when he learnt how to…she found true love in the arms of another.
This is a verse from his perspective…*


The raindrops taste salty
Ah !so salty like
the many seas lashing
her gaze…her kiss…her touch

I SING FOR MY SHORES LOST
WERE THOSE WAVES EVER MINE?

This Sawan –in perennial chaos
bearing the fragrance of her un-tamed locks
tumbled on an unquiet heart once
during seamless flaming dusks…

I SING FOR THOSE SCENTS LOST
WHERE HAS MY ETERNITY GONE ?

This damp evening however…
the ragas echoing her laugh
blow like tiny whirlwinds
filling every crevice of HIS INFINITYs

I SING FOR MY NOTES LOST
I THOUGHT THE SKIES WERE FOREVER MINE

IN VAIN DO I WAIT AGAIN
FOR THOSE WAVES…THOSE SKIES…

KNOWING YES…
KNOWING…

Any soul that drank the nectar of your passion was lifted.
From that water of life he is in a state of elation.
Death came, smelled me, and sensed your fragrance instead.
From then on, death lost all hope of me.

Rumi*


I wake to a dawn
where your silence whispers
sweet nothings in my ear.

Let me embrace this stillness
for this solitude is me...
It is you
It is us...
It is our dreams having
endless conversations
in a language known
only to hearts in love.

Until the morning light
kisses your doorstep
let me carry
your sigh's fragment
for I know, that is me...
that is you
and all our hues...
painted on eternity's canvas.

So come let us sip that elixir
from the cup of life...

...and rise in love.

Yes let us...

Sometimes...
History gets written
on lazy weekend afternoons
with mounting passions
dripping sweat
and throbbing pulses.



The first sight of you
and confusion set in


Was it the sight of raindrops
glistening on your naked back
or the sunrays deflecting
from your bare skin...


I didn't want to find out
I cared not
for all of a sudden
I found my palms sweating


aching to feel your
all consuming wet embrace



Was I blushing furiously ?
Could you read my thoughts ?


Was the ferocity of my thoughts so obvious?
Suddenly I no longer cared...

I wanted you to know
I wanted my brazenness to
spill over your naked soul
I wanted my desires
to embrace your
sensuous breaths.

Such chemistry as this
could only be mutual...

My steps no longer hesitant
I rushed to you
my eager fingers
caressing your bare back


I could feel my pleasure
as I mounted you


Then with a sinking heart
I suddenly realized...
this was an affair not meant to be

I would never be able to
taste ecstasy's unparalleled heights

This was it...
I could feel my frustration

as it hit me all
of a sudden those
...frenzied heights
could never be mine...


I would have to
hire a chauffeur at the earliest...

and watch with dismayed heart
...as a new affair unfolds
before my very eyes !!!




( Oh !God !When would I ever learn to drive ???)

Mounting her white steed,
sword held aloft
donning the
dazzled armor
she rides
to the labyrinth
of ****** destruction
leaving a
wounded trail behind


deflecting
poisoned arrows
... brandishing
her blazing sword
she humbles
all her foes...


...but one...


...the single drop...
in her eye...


..before whom she...
...bows in defeat.

Welcome to this world
my world...
where dreams co exist
on the same level
as illusions
and mirages

Welcome to this world
where your feet
tread transitory sands
where...
smiles are nothing
but fistfuls of oblivion sands


Want an armful of rainbow hues?
Just chase that mirage
down the vaccum's undisturbed path
and embrace it to your hollowed heart


Welcome to this world...
...my world...
built on the foundations
of illusive dreams
where gleaming mirages
are nothing but smiles...


...your smiles...

At times like these
I miss you the most
not with the pretentious serenity
of the night
but with the open ferocity of the sea.

I miss the salt in your
sweat mingling with
mine in the slow
melting surrender
of two soulless bodies
or two bodiless souls


I miss exploring
those geographical spaces
connecting me to your beyondness
under the familiar but
comforting garb of the mundane
(I just hate calling it history now)


But tell me
do you miss me?
Do you miss me
basking in the
obscurity of your shadows ?
do you miss the
salt in my tears…

for I suddenly remembered

I forgot even
How to cry ….

Ah ! My Beloved
this logic pure and undiluted
does it have to cross paths ?
with my insanity
time and again…

Can it not memorize
the grammar of my imperfections?
embrace the lucidity
of my madness…

Can it not hear
the chaos howling
across my silences?


…Somewhere on the Eastern sky
Sawan lashes out all her frenzy
and I in mute agony
conclude this verse
chiseled with just

MY IMPERFECTIONS...

For Hemu on our twelfth anniversary....

------------------------------------------------­--------------------------------------

Aye! My beloved!
If only I could become
that raga playing on your lips
striking a symphony in
the heartland of my seamless nostalgia.

Or maybe…
I could become a tiny drop
in the flood that engulfs my senses
every time you gaze at my dreamscape
where me and only me is the queen
reigning your mind,body and soul…

So come ….lets float
on breezes where I become
every moment kissing your life
and you become every inch
embracing my space.

In this starlit canopy…
Make me your complete You..
as you become
a wholesome Me…

You caught me unguarded...

Unseen-
you crept slowly into my silences

Untold-
you filled every crack in my solitude

That's when I realized-
my silences not just speak...
they dream
and the voids in my solitude
overflow with just one thought...

...if only...

or maybe

...only if...

Thief…
eternally raiding my soul
you PLAGIARIZED my dreams
ad verbatim
leaving me to
navigate these
dreamless turbulent seas
on my own


In vain…
did I try
to un-learn
and un-dream
realizing only too late

It was in your thievery
that I glowed
like the sweat drop on


…Venus’s brow…

Your last note

lay pressed between

the yellow pages in my heart

to mingle with the

scent of red roses

and crusted tears…


Greedily I wait

for another one

my eternal Valentine

I love you


(For Hemu who got admitted in the hospital on 12thFebruary 2008 ,and after battling with a deadly tumor left us on 18th March 2008)

In this freezing winter chill

Once more I implore my quill
To trace those paths in my silences
Where your words lingered
(albeit for a little while)

Strangely though the ink chooses…

..To follow those lines
In my solitude
Where your touch lingered…
(Was it just an eternity ago?)


Strange are the destinations
Chosen by ink and the quill…

Stranger are the tales
Woven by destiny

Closing the lid softly…
…I can only conclude …

Traitor
collect these
impoverished energy vibes
vibrating in your
endless orbits
of your
hollowed spring time woods


While I…
in these freezing
December dusks
gather fragments
from my shadows
(expanding or shortening
I am past caring )


Come Summer
and I will trample
those verbs
which you penned
with your malignant ink
on my vulnerable soils


But I just wonder…

Can the shimmering Sun
really dry the solitary tear
resting on the skin
of the denuded Autumn tree…?

You whispered darkness
In my ear
In quick urging tones
And swore me to secrecy.


I craved for lights..


No…
…Not the gaudy ocher lamps
Flickering on the walls
Of Your spring,
Sawan
Or hail


…But the
Hesitant greys
That lurk somewhere
In …
twilights
Deceptively eternalized by you
Yet…
…untouched by me

You swore me to secrecy…
You always did
Now you know

Why I never did... obey

Save me
Yes !Save me
from this silence's
incessant lament

Today...
I Leave her to
trace her own path
along meandering streams
that defy logic


I hand her a  pebble or two
to hurl on stagnant ponds
that reek with
rage un-screamed...un-heard

and when she's done...maybe...
I would hug her to my *****

And together we'd write a
nocturne or two


on soft Westward wind..

AaAH !!!In this ecstatic fusion of
sighs,whispers and breaths
raising to wild decibels
in the aura surrounding US...

lover...
do you fail to just
see how my eyes well up
the instant
your gaze morphs
into that one touch


so what...
if your eyes fail to
see the invisible tear
in my heart as
...I trace those lines
in my silences where your
kiss lingered just a moment ago


How I wish
it was your soul
which lingered there instead...


*in all its vulnerable wholesomeness

Crushed Crayons
Strewn pastel shades
Origami boats
Report Cards
Algebra
Geometry
Detentions
D+
D+
Hoots
Shrieking
Mocking

­*********

MAMA – YOU CRYING ?
No-just a little chalk dust…
MAMA – WHERE IS DADDY ?
Close your eyes
Place your hand
On your heart
There’s Daddy …
MAMA – YOU CRYING ?
No- just a little star dust …

MAMA – WHATS THAT ….?
Twinkle..
Twinkle…

Step out of my dreams
If only
To catch a fragment of my broken self
Always lost in endless thoughts of you.


Step out of my dreams
If only
To hold a thread of my tattered soul
Stubbornly clinging on to you.


Step out of my dreams
If only
To hear a rustle of my tuneless sigh
Singing mirthless songs of you .

Step out of my dreams
If only
To steal the dew drop on my palm
Preserved exclusively for you.

Step out of my dreams
If only
To awaken my solitary self
Once again dreaming ceaselessly of you.

Poets have no countries . Except the wild taste of memory ; the tapestry of pain.
…………….

The wind howls at my window as I grapple with strange destiny. This road leads
me back to the winter we have left far behind.

Pritish Nandy *




In this all pervading dusk
as Sawan lashes out
unabated
frenzied
Unstoppable
beloved,
I am reminded
of moments….


….when  you were
My fire , wind and ocean
And me the pliant Earth
Being molded
By your light…darkness
And twilights.


Now I am just
Helpless rain drop
Lost somewhere
In nameless storms
Dreaming maybe one day…


I would drizzle
Across your soils
Until then
Let  me adorn
My silences…

With perennial nostalgia

Some countless summers ago…
I was your blushing bride
you were my verdant flame
Our laughter would echo the walls
melting like
hot molten paraffin
drip by drip every
noon night and day

One evening…
after a sudden cloud burst
just like our impromptu love making
I delightedly
followed a trail of ants
on the floor.


There along the window frame
I saw a long tail
(probably a resident of neighboring monkeyhood)

Only on coming closer
Did I see
It was not our friendly neighbor
But a king Cobra
suspended upside- down


I shrieked and shrieked
Till you pulled me back
Into your embrace once again


Yes it was the summer
When I was unfamiliar
With death’s strange dialect

Somehow I don’t fear snakes anymore…
But I still carry the smell of you everywhere

…citrus mingling with wet earth…

Tara is a little girl…she does pinwheels and cartwheels on crowded  traffic signals and yeah …she has a small baby monkey who helps her…*


Tara
Little Tara
Tonight I leave my
Pen to sniff
hunger ghosts
Rumbling in your belly…


Yes..
sniff from
Miles and miles apart
From your own
Ragged world
Of pin wheels
And cartwheels
Emaciated monkey babes


Ah ! In this hollow
Poetic world
Is it only rhythm
I seek …

Even as cold winds
Enter those  gaps
Expanding forever
In your innocent
malnourished psyche…


Tara..
little Tara
tell me ..
how to give
a closure
to this verse…


Do I ask
You how
Your new year
Had been

Or..

Do I
Fish that
Rusted coin
From the bottom
Of my purse and
Toss it on
To your eager
Waiting palm


Tara..
Little Tara
Tell me


Helpless as I am  
Shrouded
In my opulent hypocracy
…

As you are

…shivering
In your humble poverty

and so it goes ....*

No my dear son
Today no longer will I
imprison you in my dreams
but let you find your wings
and your own private skies...

But once in a while
let me gloat over your "A"s
and mull if its a steth
you will pick
or a robot
you will make


No my dear son
no longer will I
crush you with my hopes
but let you blow
your own young bubbles
in expanding varied shades


But once in a while
or maybe for a day
or two let me
lecture you
on the wise management
of your time.



No my dear son
No longer will I
****** my ambitions on you
But let you hit goals
on your muddy foot ball ground


But once in a while
when you are curled up with Archies
let me brood
if only for a little while
if its Ruskin Bond
you should be reading instead


Or maybe...

just let me offer you
a slice of my dreams
a pinch of my hope
and a very tiny speck
of my ambition

After all...


I too need to breathe.

At the onset of the last spring
I was just a sun-kissed word
lost somewhere in the
mighty woods of
clove mace and pepper

you came like
a dark cloud
with promises
of an early monsoon shower

Alas! I never knew clouds also deceive


Now I just scratch
my wounds’ surface
with words

and make paper boats thereafter
with crumpled sheets

Does that make you cry ?

A tiny raindrop
her wet wings fluttering
...braving deafening thunder
dazzled streaks of lightening...

...her dreams at the mercy
of a larger cosmic plan
plops on my naked palm
blends with the tear drop
resting there
waiting me to grasp it all...
the illusion ...the real
and the truth

emerging ... fading...and re-emerging
with the shadows...


...shrouded in a scented dusk.

burning
in the
cocoon
spun
with
your
smoldering gaze

I
become
a verdant
...flame...
...aching...
to melt
in your
sizzling arms

seeking
succour
in your
wild
heartbeat

shrieking
out
my name

in this
odyssey
which
has just begun


*Heal me not!!!

Timeless

Framed within
its deceitful frame
time stood still
undecided... between...

...freezing
these tear drops
flowing within its
raged hollow corridors

or...
... melting that frozen rage
into countless tears.



The defunct hands
stood still...


...a mute testimony...
...to Kala's timeless dilemma..

Kala - time

Love is an endless mystery,
for it has nothing else to explain it.

Rabindranath Tagore.

--------------------------------------------------------­----------------------------
I sleep on a bed made
with tears .
I hug the pillow stuffed
with thorns .


Yet I open
doors to
another dawn…
my senses
seeking
your touch
your scent
your feel
and strangely…..


I begin to breathe.

reading book with the same title by Stephenie Meyer ...*

There you stood in
the pouring downpour
each raindrop dressed
in the scent of
your damp feral being


I gaze long and hard
at those hands
how beautiful they looked!
maybe they were those
of a sculptors
having sculpted
a thousand deaths before
with sheer perfection


Every time
lightening struck
the night would morph from
gray to black to ocher
just like…
those eyes
of yours (?)


those strides promised ecstasy
as they advanced towards me


only when the fangs
dug deep into my fevered flesh
could I Smell blood for the first time
crunchy…salty and peppery


I never wanted the rain to end

A for Alcoholic
she mutters noiselessly
to her cherub feigning sleep
in his night mare infested crib.

B for Brute
which her Knight
morphs into every night
inflicting invisible
whiplashes on
her now rusted dreams


C for the curse
which befell on
their marital vows
the day he first touched
the stinking bottle


D for Death
she sreams to the silent night
which comes neither to her
nor HIM...