so long did i ignore
the red flags,
i avoided hearing the music
for what it was.

perhaps,
when you’re deafened by love,
you cant hear the dismal chords.
i couldn’t hear the mismatched notes
over the melody.

through broken-down vibrato,
i learned to love your song.
i listened to you on repeat,
until i memorized its entirety.

when i would listen enough,
i could hear the imperfections.
i heard your words,
i grew to hate the music.

what is your love like?

does it smell like cigarettes,
and feel like home?
would your hands fit in mine
perfectly?

does it look like a sunset,
and sound like my favorite song?
is your voice gentle
when you tell me
“i
         love
                         you”
?

my love is intense,
i suffocate.
are
            you
ready?

will you leave me
when i become too much?

my love is rotting bodies,
together,
just trying to stay alive.

will you leave
when i become
too much?

it has been seven months since my ****.
it has been seven months since my ****.

every day, it gets worse.
every day and those after, i am once again told,
“it’s your fault”
i know, every day,
that they are not wrong.

it has been seven months since my ****.
it has been seven months since my ****.

every day and those after,
i lose myself,
more and more.
i’m rotting and
disgusting.
i am lost
and i am scared.

it has been seven months since my ****.
it has been seven months since my ****.

every day and those after,
i am reminded.
“he felt more anxiety than you ever will,”
she says,
“they left him waiting, thinking his life was over,
for an entire weekend.”
a weekend? ha, amature.
i’ve been knowing.
my life is over, and has been
for seven months.
he got off free,
i got a life sentence.

it has been seven months since my ****.
it has been seven months since my ****.

be careful- don’t forget!!
he is not a ******,
you are not a victim.
he’s just a boy,
in the moment.
you know how they are.

it has been seven months since my ****.
it has been seven months since my ****.

maybe i’m just lying.
what if i’m wrong?
and i’m just
a product of what has already happened to me?
since it is my fault,
since i still don’t know how to take accountability,
maybe it’s not even real.

it has been seven months since my ****.
it has been seven months since my ****.

in church, they talk about ****** purity.
am i going to hell for this?

it has been seven months since my ****.
it has been seven months since my ****.

his hands are still all over me.
all
over
me.
i tried to scrub it all away,
the flesh came off my body.
he still found a way
to write his name
on
my bones.

it has been seven months since my ****.
it has been seven months since my ****.

i can’t look in the mirror anymore.
it’s never me.
every time i look,
it’s always someone new.
a grotesque figure.
i can’t stand to see myself.

it has been seven months since my ****.
it has been seven months since my ****.

my face often becomes numb.
i throw my hands under boiling water and still feel
nothing.

seven months.
that’s
212 days,
5088 hours.
i don’t know who i am
anymore.