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Jun 2016 · 404
Script the Past
SpazticOrange Jun 2016
Script the past, script the past##

Scripting the past, yeah, I be scripting the past

Just a little more paper, just to make it all last.

Scripting the past I can't believe I'm not first,
There are messages and dangers I think I might just burst,
Into flames, into inferno, into the burning depths of hell,
Yeah I'm just scripting the past, but I can't seem to tell...

anymore if it's true, if it's fake and if it's made,
Secrets and lies all tools of the trade,
In currency and... staying current,
how do I stay relevant
when I'm scripting the past?

I'm tired and I'm wired,
To a system of history that cannot tell the story,
of a man that only has worry,
of a past he cannot shake, from a sleep he can't awake.

In his dreams he scripts the past,
in a space and time so vast,
he cannot wake he cannot take,
a glimpse of his soul,
so old, so old, so old...

As he

Scripts the past, Scripts the past
Aug 2015 · 309
Untitled
SpazticOrange Aug 2015
Hurts to love,
Tugs at the nerve,
tight as rope,
yet weaker than hope.

We can't all be lyricists,
to tunes we can't desist,
put your hand on my chest,
this isn't a test.

Take your time with me,
come dance with me,
I'll hold you tightly baby,
I'll treat you like a lady

Let me test the waters,
while I **** my jitters,
I'll drop a soulful beat,
and let's raise the heat...

Then we'll just dance the night away...
Jul 2015 · 321
Trapped in Me
SpazticOrange Jul 2015
Ever feel trapped In your own skin?
Like you can't begin to remember yourself?
Someone threw the blanket over your eyes,
Only you were born with it,
Covered all over in a tight grasp of humanness.

Sure you can scratch all you want,
But there's no escape.
You are you,
You've always been

Don't hurt yourself anymore,
Let your scars show, for once let them show you off!
You can stop living like you never cared...
Because when you cared enough to tell your self you didn't care you only cared so much more...
Of who you've become
Maybe of who you can be...

And you can be!
Anything and anyone,
But you've got to be you in being someone.
And they will love you
For the scratches and the claw marks,
As you tried to tear yourself free from your personal prison.
Wars end... And fingernails break... And hearts bleed...

You can be you now.
And I love you!
Jun 2015 · 1.0k
Empty
SpazticOrange Jun 2015
Empty,
Like an open can of tuna,
Oh, please, Miss-Fortuna,
to who did you leave my fortune.

I'm empty!
So empty!
Yea, I'm empty!
Jun 2015 · 395
Loving you
SpazticOrange Jun 2015
Loving you was hard.
You were an outcast; you loved what others wouldn't.
Even when you were small and I became real, you were hard to love.

You lit things on fire and you gave light to where there wasn't.
You had no light for me yet,
and you couldn't love me.

I watched you find company; you feel more than you should for others,
and so you fall.
Sometimes one of them picks you up, but you never saw me behind them.

You once gave your heart away, and I was happy for you.
Watching it slowly flattened to the grill and burnt to be undesirable...
that was hard.

Then one day, you found him.
He was perfect and I was jealous.
You gave him everything you had left; how I longed to be loved that way.

Remember when you lost family?
Now he's your family...
Where is my place in your heart?

Now you scream in the night while I stay awake watching you dream of a better life.
Your tears flow and you scream in my ear.
I scream back, but you gave me no voice.

I see the figures that stand around you inn the night when you sleep;
black and devoid of light, they watch you.
They reach out to you with rotting flesh;
the smell is so bad...

I scream for you to wake up to the light;
Your burdens are heavier than mine;
mine was only ever to love you.

Loving you was hard.
Maybe if I beat emotions in another's chest I wouldn't hurt so much.
I loved you so much!
I am you!
I've always been!
Why can't you love me?
Jun 2015 · 2.8k
When I Tease My Skin
SpazticOrange Jun 2015
It's always been an itch so deep within;
I had to scratch hard to reach "it".
I never really got to it though, not until recently.

I always only teased my skin, tasting it's texture;
      the folds, the falls and the risings,
      like great wars I fought with myself;
      there were times when I fell and times when I rose.

I never really wanted to test myself...

I enjoyed the rest it gave my soul when I scratched,
      I lied to myself that it was my way of perpetuating happiness.
      But I wasn't happy, was I?

So I tease my skin.
The sharper side of the blade was always more comforting.

No hand and no love could remind me of times when I didn't need to tease.

So I tease my skin, and I test my skin
and suddenly it splits!
And suddenly the blade tastes my blood;
      a new beginning of a friendship;
      blade and blood be one!
      blade for blood, and blood for pain.
Jan 2015 · 327
Meaning
SpazticOrange Jan 2015
I cannot begin to describe myself,
so I'll just leave you with two words,
unbecoming... whole...
Nov 2014 · 568
Contrasting Thought
SpazticOrange Nov 2014
Depth vs. Surface Tension.
Focused Understanding vs. Superficial Knowledge
Needs vs. Wants
Rewards vs. Obligations

Deep vs. Superficial
Trying vs. Being Forced
Calling vs. Showing Off
Trouble vs. Tragedy

Dark vs. Light
Solutions vs. Confusion
Certainty vs. Ambiguity
Interesting vs. Entertaining

Colder vs. Warmer
Experimentation vs. Repetition
Philosophy vs. Facts
Science vs. Fiction

Humid vs. Dry
Humility vs. Ego
Control vs. Lashing
Transcending vs. Forgettable

Unknown vs. Familiar
Sparking vs. Unimaginative
Constant vs. Frail
Executor vs. Executed
Do share your opinions on this one. I would kindly appreciate it.

This one goes out to people who dive into the depths of thought in contrast to those who spend time scouring the surfaces of knowledge. Places begin. Destinations end.
Nov 2014 · 359
Roses
SpazticOrange Nov 2014
There's always going to be that one time in my life, when I'll give you a rose,
Maybe it's because I love you.
Maybe it's because I want to say, "Enough fighting, let's settle and be gay".
Or maybe, i'm just messing with your head…
Maybe all I want to do is remind you of all the ****** up things you've done to me.
And that all I want in return is that tear in your eye that says, "I'm sorry... will you let me go?"

Roses are red… Violets are blue,
But roses are still red...

You were my rose you know?
An ******* rose, that dripped with the blood that gushes from the life of my soul,
and that little spark of sustenance I used to hold on to, a thoroughbred love between just you and me…
So much that I have had the little smile on your face and the twinkle of rays that catch in your eye, scarred deep in the tinkling colours of the cones in my retinas.

But I stand here today, a new man.
Oh a new man indeed. Do I really need to explain myself?
From all the possible ****** means that, perversely, everyone seems to use to stereotype a man.
Do I really need to tell you that all I want in a relationship is the infatuating love of a guy or girl deep in my life?
That I crave so much more than just the mere lanky tale of ***…
Oh no, I stand here a new man… with a new rose.
For this rose, I give to only the one that I learn about… The one that I learn has learned to love me.
Maybe this time, I'm ready to give a rose, for the right reasons…

Oh of roses… One of God's putrid allegory for a painful or even happy love…
Gloriously crimson upon the lips on which I dream of kissing at night but a tad bit a trope of ebony black on evil and twisted souls… And to think the psyche of all that is flawless would be seen in the one I dream of…

Red roses in life? I still prefer the lemons that life brings me...
Written, 9th October, 2009
Nov 2014 · 473
Thine Unbeknownst
SpazticOrange Nov 2014
Come hither;
come hither wherest I'm hiding.
Shadows blind the cloudy sight,
I'm here only in the darkest light.

Look too the night,
I'm holding on so tight;
never hold me, never touch me,
I'm here, I despair...
Looming from the graves,
thine evil-hearted knaves.

I'll sing on to thee,
all the songs of winter nights.
Hear me, find me,
thou art my only light.
Nov 2014 · 569
Just as -ock
SpazticOrange Nov 2014
Your sins are written in caps lock,
at heaven's door, before you knock,
recall you had all the time on the clock.
Nov 2014 · 523
Poor Me
SpazticOrange Nov 2014
In came the waves, they washed me away;
they're supposed to wash me clean,
instead I'm now and island far from the land we once shared and named friendship.

The very water that's supposed to cleanse,
it now gives way for lines across an underwater minefield,
demarcations of achievements to be in your good books;
1 metre, 2 metres, 3 metres, 4 metres...
I keep going at it, but I've bruised myself at first,
then I began losing a toe-nail, and then a toe, and then one single ankle.
I'm down to the last of my functioning limbs to fight for your needing me to be something important again.

But the waves have come.
You fought it once and I wasn't an island for once.
And I suddenly found peace in the waters.
But now the waters flood the earth again,
and I'm going under.

I'm that insignificant an island after all.
Poor me.
SpazticOrange Aug 2014
Smile at you till you ask me what's up,
then I'll tell you the truth about something stupid I did.

Make silly faces so you'd smile back,
so I can always remember you that way;
for when you're sad, I'd know when to stop making silly faces,
and you're happy again.

Stare at you for no apparent reason,
because that's all I can see myself doing for the rest of my life.

Tuck your hair behind your ear,
because your face leaves me with moments so breathtaking,
that you'd reach out to lift my jaw and close my mouth.

Run the back of my fingers down your cheek,
for it's warmth reminds me of my human nature.

Take your hand in mine,
to wrap my fingers around yours;
you'll know I'll hold you if you fall.

My arms around your shoulder,
for my safe-keeping and so you'd just be closer to me.

My arms around your waste,
so I could pull you in as close as I want you to be.

Kissing you gently on your forehead,
so you know you can trust me,
and let me just be there for you.

Kissing your lips,
but not before running mine along the length of yours first,
only because you deserve to know my passions are in the right place.

Blowing gently into your ears as you sleep on my tummy,
so you'd wake up with glassy eyes,
only to make funny noises and grumble,
in that cute way you always do.

Playing with your hair,
because at any moment I could pull at it,
and start a tickle-fight!!

Laying right there next to you,
as you nervously decide what's going to happen;
just before you decide to kiss me deeply.

Holding you tightly above me in bed,
as our bodies meet and our breaths get heavy,
because that's who we are,
in our reckless and imperfect human nature.

My being only within yours,
only for a time when I can be your everything,
for the days when I promised you only me,
and when I promised that I'm only yours,
and when we promised to death we hold each others hands.

My soul wrapped in yours,
my blood mixed in yours,
of what we shared, I do to you;
as I give to you a fruit that will grow.

But that's what I see myself doing to you. Will you do onto me as I would? Would you be there in every moment?
Jul 2014 · 689
Written for someone.
SpazticOrange Jul 2014
With a pretty face and a pretty smile,
You're probably one I haven't laid eyes on in a while.
With your bags all packed and tickets all set,
You're probably one I'm not ever gonna get.

With confidence and a sheer pang of anxiety,
I wish you a fine time with your coming journey.
But a person like you, so strange to me, so new to me,
could do so well with company like me.

How strange is it, that you're on my mind often?
I guess I'll never know when you'd return.
Roses will fade and chocolates will go raw,
take a piece of my heart as you stand I keep standing in awe.

So here's my poem, with love for a stranger;
saying this probably incites your confusion.
But you're leaving so soon to lands far away,
and all I'm thinking about,
is how I'd regret it if I didn't kiss you today.
I wrote this some time ago, but I cannot, for the love of my soul, remember who it was for!
Jul 2014 · 220
Please?
SpazticOrange Jul 2014
If it isn't too much pain, can you open up your wounds again just to see me break my life into bits of nothingness once more?
Jun 2014 · 766
I just met you...
SpazticOrange Jun 2014
It starts with the gentle rubbing of lips,
it suddenly gets too hot,
exhale; you moan just a little bit too...
inhale; you remember you need life...
exhale; it's a rhythm... you suddenly remember!

Within the second, I'm drawing you in by the edge of your skin.
God I love how soft your lips are.
deep into my mouth, me deep inside you;
you will not protest my moves; you just die in my arms.

Inhale... exhale... inhale...
So slowly and yet so intense
My breath now in your lungs,
as I feed you life, you're giving me what me need;
an escape, baby... an escape.
You crave it to, don't lie... I know you remember the rhythm...
Exhale... inhale... exhale

My teeth will do the work now...
I'll bite your lips till your fingers want to tear my skin.
Mmmm, that pain, NO! That fragrance, that perfume you're wearing;
leave it all over me for a few more days.

I can taste you now;
you're nothing but the simple perfection I need.
I want to be just that; hold me... I'm pulling you closer.
Let me be nothing but cling-wrap,
preserving you in the cold and breaking void.

I feel the creases in your lips, the folds, the scars;
I feel the missed moments, the forgotten words,
the misinterpreted lies and the minuscule truths you cried;
they never listened... I'm listening.

Let me mark your neck my territory,
let me hold your nourishing *****,
let me crave the tenderness of your skin,
Mmm... the smell your body makes,
as it sweats in my arms as I'm giving you my body.

Love me... Love me... Love me...
I want you to love me...
Let me want you to love me...
I need you to love me...

I love you... I love you so much...
Do you feel it in the breaths I give you?
I will drip in blood and life for you...
I love you stranger.

I don't know your name and I love you.
When we're done with this, I'll ask you what your name is.
We'll be friends then,
but first... Let me need you to love me.
SpazticOrange Jun 2014
I'm not okay right now.
You're going away for a time,
and I'm in desperate need of your comforting presence.
Brother, reach out and hold my arm,
pull me back into the light.

Brother,
the room is dark.
The lights went out; someone cut the power.
I think I did. I think I wanted it to be dark.
And now I need the light but I can't find the wires I cut;
how do you fix things in the dark?

Bring me a candle?
Warm my shaking body with a fire.
The electric company can't get my calls;
they're busy with pushing papers and counting bills.

I want light again.
I want that weird smile on my face again.
I need you so much right now,
and I know you're happy at home.

But I can't seem to deal with this darkness.
Brother, bring me that candle?
Please do bring me that candle.
I need nothing more than just the light again.
May 2014 · 644
Twibble Twabble
SpazticOrange May 2014
I'm giving up on the strange letters,
strange songs, strange melodies, strange figures...
They dance on staves of straight lines,
but nothing is ever straight about them;
confusing meanings and hidden ideas...

There were times when it all made sense,
but these days, criminal artists and foregoing musicians;
they slander my oaths and my beliefs.

Why should I stand and watch,
why should I take in the drama and the sad scourges.
There used to be times when it rocked my world.
Now all I hear is the sound of noise,
crazy fringes of reality;
mostly darker than rainy afternoons; blacker than night.

Song birds and whistling poultry...
ringing strings of pianos and dulcet tones of violins,
all tapering into one large ocean of discordant ideas,
the terrible kind, not the good and reputable kind.

I forgive the world for it's sins,
but I can never let go of how it's changed.
Amen
May 2014 · 535
Dimitte Peccatum
SpazticOrange May 2014
Draw the shades if you'll **** a woman,
Mask the truth if you only tell lies,
Within it all, let your heart not be swollen,
hurt them all if you if they sever the ties!

Don't forget the mistaken days,
they don't bring happiness but dramatic sorrows,
Pick your poisons correctly; pick the right disguise,
Never depend on joys that come with tomorrows.

The healer will come in all his splendour,
He will cleanse and he will forgive,
You cannot carry shadows through those doors,
You cannot take from the living with nothing to give.

Burn your pages; the books you wrote,
Tear the veils that blind your innocence.
When in shame you cannot loath,
in truth, your life, cannot then have sense.

So light the end and puff on the stick,
Lighten your heart and forget the past.
He will come again through thin and thick,
and all will be seen in the falling dust.

Fragrance can lift and it can ruin you deep,
until you choose your deadly return,
at the gates of judgement, you'd have to leap,
lest you be nothing; spoiled so rotten!
Forgive sin.
Apr 2014 · 240
Watch it!
SpazticOrange Apr 2014
I'm going to tell you once,
And I'll probably say it twice.
But I catch you doing that dance,
I'm going to hit you right in the face!
Apr 2014 · 331
My heavy meaning
SpazticOrange Apr 2014
If I was paper,
I'd be the pages of your book.
I'd tell the tales of you joys,
and the tears of your woes.
I'll crumple at the sight of a pen writing your sins,
and I'll burn to ashes from anger at your enemies.
I'll wrinkle with age as I grow with you,
and I'll eventually fade as time bid's us farewell.

For in a game of love and passion,
I'll probably never win your heart,
for all you have is one so pure and so deserving,
yet I'm not anywhere near worth the trouble.

And as I love with the strands of what's left of me;
the little pieces tearing away at the slightest wisp of wind;
I'll always hold the ink that spells your life for as long as I can,
until time tells me I'm no longer even worth existing...

So I'll lay down,
as if I was paper.
I would have been the pages of your book,
I would have told the tales of your joys.
and the tears of your woes.
But I can't crumple anymore,
and I can't burn to ashes.
I'm so much more of nothing to wrinkle,
and I can't fade away...

I'm me, in my flesh and in my being;
Man from the image of God himself.
I am weak and I am in pain.
I love you but I can't take anymore of the pain of not knowing you do too.
And in passion as it dies, it's all going to just mean nothing...
As if we never were who we are...
and that's what scares me the most.

So I'll sit in my bed, hidden in covers,
and I'll cry silent tears.
I'll imagine us holding hands and running around the fields screaming out names and curses.
I'll imagine us sitting at the bar drinking poison and throwing our lives way,
I'll imagine us taking off hats to each other at our weddings and with envious eyes wishing silently we had swapped wives.
I'll imagine us finally singing songs at our children's birthdays like fools.
I'll imagine the missing tears when we hear of our achievements as we celebrate,
I'll imagine the broken hearts when we find out one of us is going to be gone so soon,
I'll imagine the pain we'd have to hold at the loss of company when we go,
and I'll imagine the lonely nights when we wished we told each other how much we cared.
and as I close my eyes one last time then, I'll dream of the times we laughed and said and did stupid things.

And at the close, I'll remember that I still loved you... Even in what we lost or what we gained, I'll always know I loved you... This I promise with my heart.
Scribbled on the 3rd of November, 2012
Apr 2014 · 259
Lie Down
SpazticOrange Apr 2014
Life it was that be,
Then no more it be;
Nothing more to be.
What calls it, then?

Not the stars in the sky, no.
Not even the fathers of their father’s fathers, no.
Not even the broken dreams of dreams, no.
It be the God of Abraham and Isaac.
It be the God of Moses and Elijah.
It be the God of the most high, it be.

I tell you it be,
because you not choose to revel in it?
No! It be because you not choose to see.
And it now be the calling of God.
So, no more to worry.
Ah, no more to sin.
It now be the calling of God;
Yes! It be.

Fall down now!
and into the sleep of the dead,
and into the sleep of the living.
Choose no more to worry, no.
Choose to fall down, yes.

Go to the fallen ones now.
It is in time, the end;
Lie down, lie down;
It is the end.Lie down now,
Lie down in peace….
Written on August 9th, 2006
Apr 2014 · 604
A Cry in Hate
SpazticOrange Apr 2014
*******, losers and ******* and dramatic *******,
My cry goes out for your souls,
you putrid, damaged and undeserving slaves,
I despise your cold resolve.

You can take my life and drown it out,
you can pay it forward in dimes and diamonds,
but you wont make your game seen!
You're losers in your own way.

Drag it out and dip me in the ocean of your cancer.
I can't be touched. You died with my dire need to console your lame excuse to live.
Touch me, try me, you cant be me!
Stay away from my shape and being.
You don't deserve my company.
Take your bridges and drown in your own hurt.

I hate your living guts, my children will cry curses at your worthy name.
Try the taste of a blade as it soaks in your saliva and eventually your blood.
That's your trial in purgatory when you cease to exist and no one remembers you but the stone your names are scraped into with the nails that will be your ending!
Written on November the 17th, 2013.
Apr 2014 · 495
Lies, my foe? Lies?
SpazticOrange Apr 2014
Smoke never ceased to shadow,
Lies! Putrid lies he told me!
My bones break,
from all the unnecessary treasures I carried,
And my body bends so low;
before his feet.

And to you!

The magic carpet I was;
seems in my tapestry THEY were,
making me strong,
while stepped on by you!
So many more lies to tell, dearest foe;
the gift of Antioch, not yours to bestow!

Magic isn't my friend,
why else not may I be rich.
Men are granted to me in my need,
Women to serve among my heeds.

I'm not afraid finally to be my shield,
your weak and mangy lies,
I will not see!
Be you my weakest dragon;
I'll slay you,
and I'll end you!
You can never be again my bind!

So fare thee well little hatchling,
It'll be eons before your wings, you spread!
Forget us all,
We never were of this world anyway.

From your gifts, us Angels,
die to your self now,
learn to grow in the low-bearing love.
And then live, live again!
Live to be free.
Live to love and loved!
Read in heavy drama. To be dramatised in a tone of agony, disdain and washing-of-hands.
Apr 2014 · 354
Goodbye, brother.
SpazticOrange Apr 2014
Forgive me, little brother,
I have failed you.

I have tried to be the fiery love,
and passionate memory of your time spent here,
in this God-forsaken place.
And in your father's eyes,
I have failed.

You are the best friend I prayed for,
and now you depart with a piece of my life.
I will greet you as a stranger,
and I will seem like a funny and desperate fan
of your amazing talents.

I will miss you and I will cherish you,
with every tear I cry today,
I will remember to always wait for you.
In your troubles, I hope you'll run back to me.
I want to be able to say, "Hello, again. I've missed you so!"

Be as far as you must, dear friend,
be as broken and forsaken as you must,
but I will hurt everyday till you return.
And if you don't,
well, God only knows if at all I belong with him,
and if I do, we will once again greet each other in a better place.
In defending my brother, I have estranged him and hurt him so much more than I can imagine. I wish we were okay, but we're not. It's my birthday today and he won't even say anything to me. I cannot fall asleep not knowing if we're going to be okay.
Apr 2014 · 432
To my dearest future wife
SpazticOrange Apr 2014
Dear (insert name here),

The days I spent alone were the ones that brought me closer to you.
In those days I found that my heart longed for your presence,
and it took it's beats to serve for your living.
In many ways I wanted to never be alone forever,
and you gave me your fingers to wrap mine around.

I can't remember how long it took for me to let you in,
but I remember how hard it was,
for the shattered state you found me in,
was from leaving my heart on a sleeve for another;
those days were painful,
these days I smile again.

I wan't to say that everything I've ever done over the last few years,
from the day you ran head first into my heart,
I did only for you to feel like I was your everything.
But you kept reminding me,
that you had loved me even more when I was nothing.
And now that I am something whole again,
I want nothing more than for you to follow me,
to follow me into everything that we can be as one.

My dearest love,
in times when I want to let go of my beliefs,
I know you will be there to make me see my world,
and remind me of who I really am.
And in those days of nothingness,
when we lie next to each other,
I will breath life into your world,
as you have in the days when mine crumbled.

I can say I will love you forever,
but I won't because you already know.
So I will say that I can carry you in my soul forever,
even when death comes in it's own fashionable way,
I will carry you in me forever.

You will be nothing less than a seed I planted,
as if I were a child, in hopes that it would grow into a huge tree;
like my life with you,
I pray we will be family,
I pray we will be one in God's name.

I love you (insert name here),
and with your hand in mine,
I will always be one step above life in many ways,
and I want you to be above it all in so many ways more.
Apr 2014 · 296
Is it over?
SpazticOrange Apr 2014
I remember myself vaguely;
days when I would just laugh so much,
with the gusto of a snort and the wail of my pitches.
Everything made me smile.

I can't smile right now.
Mar 2014 · 1.7k
Taxi Cab
SpazticOrange Mar 2014
Taxi cab, I hail only you,
take my soul on a wondrous ride.
Come forth, save me from rain and dew,
take me to a place I can hide.

Taxi cab, come be near me,
I'll need you to take me to an end,
My journey will end at anywhere I can be,
I only ask that you be here for the lend.

Taxi cab, I have no one,
can I share your company with a seeker?
I'll pay the due, if money, they have none,
just my stories I need to share with another.

Taxi cab, don't leave me be,
You have to be the thing I need,
may tomorrow come and I'll finally see,
That I need to love and to do the deed.

Taxi cab, you're always a friend,
not something easy to forget,
You never sway no matter the trend,
and when I need that ride, I know you're there to get.
Mar 2014 · 279
Loss (Haiku)
SpazticOrange Mar 2014
Inspiration is scarce,
How can this really be?
Am I dead?
Mar 2014 · 735
Alone
SpazticOrange Mar 2014
I cannot pretend that I'm not alone;
I cannot find it in me to say I'm happy,
I cannot lie in bed and feel wholesome again,
I cannot endure for just another day.

I cannot be here and there all the time,
I cannot be one and many all the same,
I cannot be true to me and to everyone,
I cannot be me and I cannot be you.

So I'm alone in my skin tonight,
I'll wrap myself tight and I'll dry my own tears,
Don't weep for my loss, I can do it myself,
I think I'll just be here for a little while more.

I'm lost in my dreams I cannot be sane,
I am not right in my head; where is my heart anyway?
When there's finally a breeze, I'll make her my friend,
so don't stay for a while, just go, I'll be fine.

And as much as that's a lie, I cannot pretend to be fine,
I cannot sit here and think I'm surrounded by friends.
And as much as my shoulder can shrug off troubles,
I think I'm dying a little inside.
Mar 2014 · 383
I Can Be Alone.
SpazticOrange Mar 2014
Brother tells me I'm not okay being alone.
I depend too much on my relationships.
I hear him loud and clear.

But as I listen I drown in the terror of the truth.
What am I? Who am I? Am I accepted or am I rejected?
Am I a flaw or am I perfection?
I know my name but I don't know it calls at me;
I know it calls at a person, but how can it be me?

I know I am okay, I know that I am on my feet in life.
I know the tenderness in my chest says I'm still alive.
But with every step uphill, it feels like I'm closer to a dive.

No reprieve in my own distant imagination.
Just big words and forgotten tones,
colours with no meaning,
music with no direction,
roads with no goals.

See I am alone. I'm okay, but I'm alone.
Jan 2014 · 698
Seeds of a Beginning
SpazticOrange Jan 2014
Ever try seeding a field in the mornings of a drought,
when water cannot be gracious; never giving hunger a thought.
As a groin pulses in rhythmic gestures to seed another,
fruit of one’s ****, lost in pastures, mindless forever.
no love, not more than a point of beckoning gasps,
you wasted the last of your memories,
dark… unprecedented… unwanted.

In the wake of a black day,
all you can think of wanting say;
it would mean nothing, not even worth noting.
your soul unbecoming, so mangily rotting,
can no longer be forgiving, neither even forgetting.

Take your time sweet summer bird,
keep speaking till you are heard.
Don’t let toddlers and bees speak louder than you,
you may mean more to those you never knew.

Don’t let clouds shadow your esteem;
stay from drowning in the lying reflections of a stream,
they waver and change, never teaching… never professing.
That’s how you’ll learn to never lie to those who are teaching.
You will be forever a master of your becoming.
Jan 2014 · 805
Things about you
SpazticOrange Jan 2014
It's something about the way you smile,
your lips just dancing away at one side of your face.

It's really just that weird thing you do with your lips;
when you raise an eyebrow up at me.

It's something about the winks you give,
the weird way you have to click your tongue when you do it.

And, Oh-My-God! It's that weird and stupid,
running-your-hands-through-your-hair thing...

Oh, and it's also that way your body lines are so perfect,
the way anything you wear seems like it could just slip off.

It's the way you bulge in all the right places,
there's a couple in particular I want to run my lips all over!

It's this peculiar thing you do with you heart,
like when you give it to someone and no one else can have it.

That really sweet thing you do when you say we're okay,
but really in truth, I can feel you letting me go.

That unexpected thing you do with your mind,
when you let it take over your heart in all decisions about me.

That painful thing you do with your presence,
when you can't grace me with it any more.

That unnecessary thing you do with your life,
when you throw it all away for someone who will never be yours.

That really, really hurtful thing you do with your words,
when all you say is a lie about our friendship.

That scary thing you do with your being,
when you threaten to just leave me all alone.

And that menacing thing you do with your concern,
when you make me start to doubt my love for you.
Jan 2014 · 828
Things Change
SpazticOrange Jan 2014
Things change.

Flowers will blossom from buds,
thieving children with grow to be good friends.

Crying babies learn to grow strong,
clingy mothers will let their kids grow.

Cooties will eventually be a myth,
******* will lead to ***.

Trial and error will enforce the weak-minded,
troubles will eventually become giggles.

Friends will become strangers,
family will eventually die.

Best friends will lie to you,
your fingernails, once bitten, will grow.

Noobs will be experts,
experts can be beaten.

Mainstream aficionados will be hipsters,
hipsters... are truly original.

Things will be replicated,
replications will always change.

Nothing is the same forever,
no one can detest the human mind.

Humans will cease to exist,
but there will be a cause for remembering.

We are who we are,
and things will change.
Jan 2014 · 477
Man and Child
SpazticOrange Jan 2014
The feeble tenderness of a father,
sinless in his love, debt-ful in his becomings.

Nothing short of the wonders of a child,
Never batting an eye, never blinking away from the grasping hands,
nor the warm cuddles in the middle of any stranger afternoon.

Drained in the lowest of societies moral views,
drunk in the sullen sorrow that speaks of his choices,
none can judge the begrudging love of a man for his child,
for his tip-toeing daughter;
for his dirt-rolling son.

Tell the sinners they sin, tell the crooks they crook the worst.
Make the judges about their failures,
and the peers of the world,
their Devil's due.

No mercy for a man in love,
no mercy for the minutes of safety,
no mercy for the forgotten names of the dead,
no more for the missing pieces of a puzzle,
only a child can see in a father.
Jan 2014 · 911
Trouble
SpazticOrange Jan 2014
Trouble, Trouble, you're here again;
here again to cause me pain.
To drive in my heart the worthy shame;
To make me loose in every game.

Trouble, Trouble, you don't have a name;
like an unwanted child that was born lame.
Shall I be tempted to jump through a pane,
or shall I just check the map and pick another lane.

Trouble, Trouble, you're skinny like a cane;
skinny enough to be my bane,
Don't lead me on a path of disdain.
Just stay the **** away, I mean that simply and plain!
Jan 2014 · 1.1k
Lights
SpazticOrange Jan 2014
Put out the lights,
tell the sun to hide away.
Put the fires to ashes,
douse the lights and send sparkles astray.

I can't hide in the bright lights;
they share my sins with the world.
I can't be among the worthy,
I can't face their comforting looks,
and their loving acceptance.

Hide me, my love, hide me good.
Hide my wounds, hide my sorrow like a mask.
Keep me a smiling figure as the world should see me;
But promise me you'll look away when the tears flow,
still stay and promise me I'll have your shoulder to lay on,
and your sleeves to dry my eyes on,
and your scent to fool my nose into comforting my mind.

I don't want the magic of your embrace to end.
I want to see spells and chants flow from your mouth,
as fight demons and devils that make me cry;
I cry into pillows already wet from the tears of last night;
they were meant to hold the heads of the weary;
not to sponge the flowing rivers or living denial.

Whisper lies into my ears so I can live another day,
the dust of a fired shot or the taste of the smooth sharpness of the blade,
they tempt me so.

Take away all of my indecisive pride,
and drown them in the pits of love;
I can't swim, neither can my flaws.
Drown them good,
they can't live under the **** that covers what isn't land on earth.
Jan 2014 · 2.9k
What I Want
SpazticOrange Jan 2014
I want to look into your brown eyes forever,
I want to kiss you with my gaze,
and see you with my lips.

I want to write canticles for you,
I want to sing worthy titles to you,
and write symphonies we can dance to.

I want to curl in and burst,
I want to burn and to hurt,
and you to be the only cause of it all.

I want a fire in you that no one else can have,
I want your thumping emotions directed at me,
and your aggression to throw me off balance.

I want your riches and your mercy,
I want your failures and your grace,
and all of your forgiving grudges to be my drive.

I want your heart in my hand,
I want your blood on my body,
and all of your soul entwined with my weakening one.

I want you smiles and your smell,
I want your laughs and your dry styles,
and especially the meaningful lies you tell.

I want to love you and to crave you,
I want to be everything and nothing in your eyes,
and I want you to be a part of everything I can be.

I want to pamper you in bed,
I want to lay your head on my shoulder,
and breathe in the breaths that leave you.

I want you to whisper truths in my ears as we sleep,
I want you to kiss me in my lowest and make me your everything,
and to show me I am not alone.

I want your lesser curves against my ambitious ones,
I want your warmth against my longing skin,
and especially your menacing fire within me.

I want to be treated more than just the local jester,
I want to be the king who holds on to his choice forever,
and to be the king of your heart for just a lifetime.

I want to be intentional and loving,
I want to never let go of you,
and most of all...
I really just want you to see that this is all I really ever wanted.
Dec 2013 · 913
Written for You
SpazticOrange Dec 2013
I cannot contain my innocence,
I am guilty with the loss of my sense.
I apologise for not even trying to be better,
my flaws make me anything but greater.
And in all of the wretched and shallow promises,
I do nothing but work with my devices;
tears, pain... physical pain.

Who am I to try to be someone special,
I dont belong among the celestial.
I cannot and I wont bend low,
for graces aren't mine to bestow.
How else can't I control my emotion,
my heart, really, just my mind's distraction.

I can stay now and be your brother and I'll always choose just to be that.
Nothing more nothing less, all my hurt I'll keep in that hat;
a constant mask, a facade and a charade,
a purulent form of my hiding place
and only in hopes to bridge the distance.

Forgive me, embrace me in a hug.
You're like family, a picture worthy of printing on a mug.
I love you and I know I hurt you,
but allow me to once again be true.

You have your mercy, I'll hold on to my grace,
you stay ahead and I'll keep my pace.
Maybe when I find myself again in your disappointment.
I'll have a chance at my atonement.
Dec 2013 · 4.7k
What it means to be me...
SpazticOrange Dec 2013
I am original. I am the real deal.

Nothing about me is a piece of a puzzle belonging to someone else. I do not replicate and I do not show-off. What I am is genuine and I cannot be compared to anyone.

I do not strive to be someone else, nor do I buy into materialism that justifies my inclination to a persona.

What I do allows me to stand out and always be remembered. I cannot but allow myself to be anything but me.

My greatest sin lies in the temptations of jealousy and the frailty of my mind. My greatest flaw is my flair for emotion and drama. My biggest downfall is nothing but my expectations of others.

My real criticism comes only from true friends, the liars and the frugal in emotion are my enemies... They want me more than they need me as a friend.

My being screams at insults, but my meaning comes from deep in my heart.

They earn attention; I garner admiration.
Little are my fans, but they are my family stitched with iron in a stone-clad bond.
Close are my family; my enemies, my friends.
I am but an intelligent being with a fullness of everything I have.

With God as my witness, I am His creation. And in His image, like his work, I am original in mine.

My actions burn the jealous. My choices hurt the haters. My excellence in my passions set me in the sights of my enemies.
I am anything and everything but a relative polymerisation of random organic compounds. I am not plastic.

I am an artist! One with true feel, and they know it.
Nov 2013 · 2.9k
Gunshot to the Head
SpazticOrange Nov 2013
Twisted, protruding and mangled; my heart.
Life seems levitated upon my resting place,
right there at your feet.
Can I be allowed a phone call to my shattered body;
do please reassure my flesh that I still exist.

Numbness only to secure abstinence;
easier said than done, only the strong prevail.
Rubber grips and a metal frame and the smell of burnt sulphur and carbon;
the tool that drove life right out of my left temple.
I am right handed; with my own hand, my own absence of leave.
I want to live, I want to die again another time;
just not as I am now;
unfulfilled.

Through torture and pain, I am a fighter.
I am dramatically a complainer,
tools such as questions and expectations, my unbecoming.
Feather light as I float,
my expectations, again, my reason I am not me...

Dont bring me back, cry for me;
hold me hard, rock my body in your arms,
stay, don't just leave.
I have no one, no empty spaces to fill;
to fill like a cup with the chagrin of my decisions.
Let me stay, just hold me;
even more for it's the last time.

My end. Thorough yet empty.

— The End —