It’s only natural
When you cut out impurities that
A bit of you comes too

When you cut a splinter
From your palm
Using a pocket knife
You cut across the top
Of where you see the splinter’s shadow
And pick it
With the tip of the knife

Now
Ideally
That’ll pry the splinter loose
One shot
Maybe a bit of blood
No tears

But if it’s a stubborn ******
You could pick and pick
And pry up chunks of skin

The blood gets going
And the splinter digs in deeper
Just because you won’t let up
And it’s a whole ordeal

But you’re determined
Not to let it get the best of you

I want to cry
Suddenly
Sitting at the computer
When I should be
Hosting the party
But the people I wanted
Aren’t here
And the people that are
I mostly love
But the sadness
Is built in at this point

All my **** got repossessed
By an aardvark in a leather vest
That he swears is only vinyl
But won’t tell me where to buy my own

He says if I can go six months
With no late payments
On my credit card statements
He’ll let the name slip

I’ve got to get my **** together
Or this cruelty-free vegan sleeveless pleather
Statement piece might slip away from me

So, these days, I’m
Dedicated to paying
This debt I’ve accumulated
Despite the social detriment
Withdrawal and depressive episodes
All in the name of
Improving my credit score

Until when?
The day comes up
That I’ve paid for the stuff
That I bought without paying for
I’m practically stable
By now

The aardvark from the IRS
Reappears as my remaining debt and interest
Dwindles into a less pressing account
For the withholding public servant
Who’s about to grant me access
To the privileged information
I’ve been craving for months

It was an Etsy shop
And they’re all sold out

Drugs are ******* great man
Do another line
Or take a hit
Or take a sip of something
There’s enough available to us
That’s legal - or not
That freaking out is overkill

To those availing themselves
Of chewables or smokeables
Or pills or anything prescribed
By labcoat-wearing, overeducated
Pharmaceutical-reps
Masquerading as the answer
That you found yourself
By diving into forums on the web
Your doctor both agrees with
And now disavows

They can’t allow
This kind of undermining
Of the underpinning
Of their industry
And of what’s keeping people healthy

Even only as a byproduct
Of confirmation bias
They cannot acknowledge
If we want to be respected
In this new environment

In which our personal experience
Is more true than the objective
Information taught to more than like
One million doctors

How often I
Get into cars with drunk people driving
I shouldn’t be surprised by
The people who have faith
In other questionable ****
Jesus may be just as inevitable
As the wreckage to come
Just not today
Never today
Still - y’know, statistically
I put my faith in just as
Logically indefensible ****

Them again
Hooting and hollering
On the block
I can’t believe
I’m bothered by
Their confidence
It’s like they’re
Mocking me
Just for trying to exist
And they’re calling me a *****
Maybe I’m a *****

But I don’t like being in public
I don’t like being in public
Unless I’m making money
Or I’m spending money

I’m in the company of new folks
Or else folk if that’s appropriate

The singular and plural still perplex me

But approaching them is
Easier to do than I expected
Easier at least
Than trying to relate to the smiles
Fixed at regular intervals that
Span the distance between us

I pass them all by
Oh so happy to see them
With a nod for a greeting
Before seating myself
With the self-proclaimed degens
A few glasses of wine behind
But accepted and liked
Even seen by
Strangers whose faces
Show something that’s just as much mine
As it is beyond me

We’re all introduced
And decide we enjoy
One another - at least
With the alcohol, so

We migrate toward the only vent
That isn't in the only restroom
Of the venue of the thing
Eventually reciprocating contact information
Before drinking all together
At some other bar
Some place
We’re not so worried about
Sharing or hiding ourselves
And promising we’ll meet again soon
Fingers crossed

Chasing any dragon
Propels us forward
Ever forward
Stop?
We couldn’t handle it
Stop?
We’re gonna **** ourselves
Stop?
You keep away from
Any dragon I admire
I will chase that beauty
Indignant that you would rob me
Of anything beautiful
Even far off promises
I mostly imagined
Tell me that I am loved
I am good
Beautiful in my own right
But oblige me this chase
When so many others
Confuse and frustrate me
Pushing me to favor manual
Chemical replacement
When days (weeks/months) spent
Righting the balance
Is suddenly wayward
If I’m choosing the chemicals
No one catches dragons in the manual

I love that Jewish ****
I know it’s better than whatever ****
That you’ve been gettin’
It’s Israeli and it’s rarely being used *****?
Just look at you *****
You spent an hour in the shower
Feeling useless
Until you had the realization
That the water’s lubrication’s
Even worse than when you use spit

You know, I’m all about the Benjamins
But I’m chilling on the Abrahams

That’s a little too hasidic
For a person who’s obsessively
Collecting all the circumcised
Erections in this city

‘Cause he’s orthodox, get it?

my heart is unreliable
my temperament
suddenly unpredictable
I am sad
and angry
so lost and alone
in a recognizable
but unpitiable way
it is too universal
it can happen
if we all must suffer
the same
then we all have to cope
right?
and we can’t be the first ones
to hurt like we do
and we aren’t likely
to come up with something
completely new
at least we knew
some common knowledge
just common for us
or whatever, whichever us
is the right us for you
and if also for me
wonderful to hear

We haven’t conquered anything
And that’s okay
It’s frustrating demanding something
Other people don't exactly like
When you and them - or they
Enjoy what they can get
From all the work
You ought to
All be doing
But it seems you’re doing
On your own
They really have a handle on
What you can’t get your head around
But it still feels like
It’s just you that’s doing
What’s important

But what are you doing?

in the longest days of summer
the sun could be up ‘til ten o’clock
PM of course
the night begins then
the street lamps every block or two
when those come on
we’re expected home
that’s nighttime
so the sun’s going down around ten
that’s PM again
and it rises around five
AM if it matters
so there’s barely seven hours of dark
to call night and
that puts midnight
Around one-thirty
AM, ya know
so while midnight is twelve
again AM, yeah
twelve AM
it’s not really midnight
well, it is
because midnight is accepted
to be twelve
AM, I know, but
I want to be clear
so if nighttime is
measured in darkness
at least where I am
and particularly
at this point in the year
twelve
AM again
just isn’t the median - how?
at least not of darkness
so midnight
the whole concept
just doesn’t make sense

the spider in the corner
by the ceiling
but not on the ceiling
was expected
but the one that
crawled from beneath
my desk drawers
only to linger
just between the
hidey-hole below him
and the whole -
well, the whole ******* desk
really got me
and I hope he hides
because I'm excitable
a skyward dash
might just as well
be a death sentence
but more power to him
if I'm unaware

Okay, you want to live again
Same question as before:
What for?

I know you’re asking me

Of course I’m asking you -

You see I’m also asking me
Because I’ve answered this before

You’ve also given reason why you shouldn’t

Well, I wasn’t asking you
I’m asking me
And I’ve done a lot of things
I always thought I wouldn’t

But now getting back to me

Of course
It’s always about me

It is

I know
Sometimes I just get bored exploring
“What is wrong with me,” or
“What might make me want to live”

I think there must be some reason

I think there must be some reason

Even you?

Of course you would, but still I wonder

Yes, I wonder

So what for?

Much the problem with connection
If only tethered by affection
Or some pleasurable action -
If there is no obligation
Without pleasure or affection
Should I not just altogether
Discontinue interaction?

I have wondered

I have wondered

There’s continued interaction

And still
Much of it is pleasant
But this isn’t necessarily
Sufficient reason for existence

So you, ask

As if you would rightly know

To be, with reason
It might be said then
Is something beyond you

And beyond me

I think so too

But still
Some reason ought to do-
Regardless if it’s me or you
To think of it

I have to choose

So anything?

Not anything

Then anything that comes to mind?

There must be joy
That we can find in what we do
If I can say what ought to motivate us
You
Or me
Or I
Or somehow us together
Living to enjoy the being
Doing not to cement or gain
Or fight so often
Being for the light and wind
That make clouds, trees, and grass dynamic

For the wind again
For the flight it makes possible

Yes
Even birds could not be what we hope to see
Without unseen
Often unappreciated
Natural forces that peak our interest
Only because of some spectacle

And there is much spectacle

I needed to die - apparently
You keep telling me
You’re going to **** me
But I still take your calls
And invite you into my home
Expecting some drama
I’m just glad not to be caught off guard

“You trust that I’m not gonna **** you”
“Of course”
His arms cinched around my neck.
I really wanted to hold out as long as I could
But I couldn’t go more than a couple of seconds
Before my hand slapped frantically for release

-

He’s got his hands on my shoulders
I’m ******* in air
Which is normal
But I’m somehow ******* down air
Yeah, I know I said ******* in air before
Then ******* down
But however I’m *******
I went from tapping his arm to

- I don’t ******* know -

I just died
For a second at least
And he’s sorry
And I don’t know what for
I said that I trusted him
Sure
I was scared
For a second at least
But I didn’t feel anything anymore
Almost as soon as I started to
Worry that I wasn’t really okay

After all of that
All I can ask is,
"Can you crack my back?"

there’s a portion of my jaw
that’s been decaying for a while
but my dentist said it’s nothing
so I’m living in denial
of the costly surgery to come
if I can even swing it

I’m rotting
I’m rotten
counting on tools
that I sabotage daily
to harness an energy
I can’t generate,
so often,
too often -
I’m looking at the cost of a coffin
instead of getting prepped
for a day in the life

The washer and dryer mask the sound of Nana and me
Down the three or four steps to the garage
Of the Blackberne house
Her hands on my hands or more likely
Gripping my forearms
As dimples take over my chin
Voice shaking
As she dredges the grief of the day out of me

he collects unopened packs of playing cards
that sell him this experience of
hyperventilating with the hope of something invaluable
popping up in an unexpected pack of playthings

                                                               ­                     “They’re collectibles!”

the customer’s wringing his fingers
like he’s pulled the crank of some slot machine
promised to pay out big

                                                            ­                                      “THIS TIME!”

as he rips the packaging
to get at the meat of his purchase
card after card fanned before him
plainly shows his gamble

                                                               ­                                  “Didn’t pay off
                                                             ­                                     this go ‘round.
                                                         ­                           ***** to **** and all,”

he gets the thrill he paid for
but still walks away with less somehow

Better get to saying
While I’m able to say anything
I hope I’m saying something
That’s worth saying at all

All I’m trying to say is
I don’t think I’m gonna
Always have a mouth
I won’t always have a jaw
Or a tongue - for that matter

My esophagus is rotten
And my vocal folds are tattered
Bits of tissue flapping
Without issuing anything of interest
To those generally listening
To me
go on and on and on and on

There’s another minute wasted
I spent hours practicing to waste
Exactly in the way you’re wasting yours with me, now

By the time I finally make it to the end of
This mistakenly phrased sentiment
Regarding the nonsensical nature of language
You. might. hate. me.
I get the frustration
But all my time’s for wasting

It alleviates impatience
Saying one more saying
That they used to say
When we were just learning
How to say what we think

The aphorism applicable in any given situation
Has already been stated
So what’s with the expectation that
We be so **** creative?
After all - it’s ******* language

So to those that I’m communicating
Signifieds with signs
I beg that you bear with me
As I produce this diatribe

It’s not that everything must matter
That I utter, but I wonder
If it matters that I bothered to utter
Anything to someone other - than myself
But not this - ya know?

the sun is up
and I hate it
return me to the deep blue
of about 5:00 AM
seven is bright enough
I see why some people
would work in this light
but it’s more light
too much light - the
sun in my eyes looking
into the same sky
that offered a universe
hours ago
it offers a bright blue
and light
that illuminates
what is before us, but
the universe is lost to us
daylight forces our perspective
suddenly bickering
and industry
waking dreams
populate our waking moments
and what is before us
takes precedence over
likely dead stars
too far off for you
to have known
far off friends
we lost so long ago
before the sun
usurped them
yes
far off friends
already dead
but somehow preferable
to whatever this
blinding light
and unbearable heat of
the day bothers to offer

Human and insect
Beware:
Unwarranted touch is
Not species specific
Do not
******* touch me
As some kind of surprise

Spiders in earshot
Arachnids might just as well
Be ******* insects
Your critter legs can
Creepy-crawl all over but
Don’t ******* touch me
Don’t fixate hundreds of eyes on
Me, *****, you don’t know who you’re ******* with

For you to take any piece of me
Feels like a loss
So your life for my toe is winning
But not

*******
Not a problem
**** wit
And you’re gone

You actively procrastinate
Most everything you do these days
You really can’t put this off
To live instead of
Dying - as the one ambition you achieve
Why -
Should this be the one project
You actually complete?
Ambition ought to carry us toward something
Sure -
We could carry ourselves toward death
But we say that as nothing
To aim to achieve to be nothing
Enticing
Of course - to bereave ourselves of ourselves
Once and for all
And forego the work
Though we chose it
And choose it again
Choose it again

We've got a long way to go to knowing one another
And after every second something has changed
Whether the people you cared for are who you’re still there for, or not
My faith in you comes from who you are with me

I’ll spend my time with you indefinitely
I want to go back through all the things
That I tell people I love
And when I share them with you
You might know me better
At least a little bit more than before
At least a little bit more than before

I’m not secure in how I say who I am so
Your judgment of my character’s important to me
We’ll watch some television made for children of our generation
Despite our dedication, we’re only as mature as our shows
I love you and these, so here you go
I love you and these, so here you go

I’m so enamored with your passion for living, it’s like I
Didn’t know what living was before you explained
But now I’ve got a couple hobbies
Thank you for the suggestion
You probably could take some credit
But you're not here to claim
Anything
Any part of who I am today

I get to say which part of you stays up inside of my head
I get to say which part of you stays up inside of my head
I get to say which part of you stays up inside of my head
And what I share with my friends

I’ll spend my time with you indefinitely
I want to go back through all the things
That I tell people I love
And when I share them with you
You might know me better
At least a little bit more than before
At least a little bit more than before

Heather has this bluebird
loves her so much
mostly since she’s always feeding her
not even sure the bird’s female
just what Heather thinks

after biking around Portland
seeing so many dead squirrels
and bluebirds
being eaten by crows mostly
and maggots

it is nice to see a bird
excited to be around people
that wants attention
that wants walnuts mostly
but squawks happily around us

happy as I am to see this bird
I can’t help but think of
the birds I’ve seen as roadkill

so as Heather scatters walnuts
I see it in the courtyard:
a dead bluebird
the bluebird has been picked open
its bones bare
maggots feasting on its carcass

from its body comes another
just the same
but living
it hops over to the walnuts
scattered in the courtyard
and squawks its appreciation

I love the arch that's in your toes
That tension in your metatarsals
Makes me want to jump your bones
Before we even make it home

After dancing in the dirt
Spending hours kicking dust clouds
You’ve got your shoes off in the van
You’re either filthy or you’re tan
I want to crack your little toes

I want to
crack crack crack crack gasp
In the back of the van
With Hannah Hammertoes
I want to give her release
I think I’ll start with her feet
I don't want there to be tension anymore

Your skin is melting onto mine
We're making puddles on the bench seat
You could have shifted to the side
Instead of pressing up against me

You look ahead and then behind
Not much to see but other cars now
I know there’s other people here
But will they really think it’s weird
If they can see me crack your toes?

I want to
crack crack crack crack gasp
In the back of the van
With Hannah Hammertoes
I want to give her release
I think I’ll start with her feet
I don't want there to be tension anymore

I pressed my head against your chest
To listen to the compression

                                           Papillary muscles
                                           Beating at irregular tempos

                                                         ­                  Papillary muscles
                                                         ­                  Beating at irregular tempos

I pressed my head against your chest
Your heart beat out a confession

                                           Keeping up with you is
                                           Both exciting and exhausting

                                                     ­                   Keeping up with you is
                                                              ­          Both exciting and exhausting

                                                     ­                                                              Hey!

                                           But I don’t want to
                                           Slow things down

                                                           ­                                     As if you could


Arrhythmia
When things just don’t line up

                                           Now the blood’s begun to rush
                                           But you’re unavailable

What’s coming next for us

   Can’t being friends                                                   Being friends can’t        

                                           Be enough

                                                         ­                                       Well it has to be

five o'clock on Sunday night
we down two bottles of pink ******* wine - classy
Jesus Christ applauds our dedication to his
"this do in remembrance of me" mentality

after four ******* hours of straight communion
we are one with the universe
praying only for security in something
“don't judge me,” she says “don't judge me,”
we've reached that point

we found ecstasy in dizziness - in daydreams
sure enough, we found there was
some kind of magic quality
inherent in these substances
that we were guaranteed to abuse

but it seems we must have been
the worst of marksmen
because I know we matched each other
shot for shot that night
and never once made contact
**** that

we went from being worshiped to ignored -
untouchable
like the ******* gimps of the Hindu caste system
**** Karma
what did we do to be so low?
it didn't make good sense
so we just kept drinking
because that's the only thing that did

I remember nothing of consequence
This is by design
Leave things like memory
To people with an interest in
Nostalgia, regression, or revenge

My witness will not be their resource

I remember nothing of consequence
This is by design
My pain and yours ought also to be forgotten
Leave things like memory
To those prepared to wallow in misery

I prefer the promise of a brighter future

I remember nothing of consequence
I do not hurt
I cannot hurt
I have not -

Well, I do not know

I remember nothing of consequence
Will tomorrow be brighter?
Than what?
How am I to know?

We were
People of another caliber
Not so
Concerned with things like college algebra
Still we
Had to pass our finals so we’d
Meet up
For about an hour to study
But when I got to your place
It was the look on your face
The only question I got to
Was

Where should I put
My hands on you
Where should I put
My hands on you

We went
Out to grab a cup of coffee
And we
Talked about our thoughts on philosophy
I was
Partial to more modern theory
But you
Still seemed to be hung up on Socrates
But as you waved your arms around
Your point was proven and I found
I ought to ask you what to do
So

Where should I put
My hands on you
Where should I put
My hands on you

Instead of ******* her I ****** my hand
While the time she said I’m cute
Played on a loop in my head
I didn’t think it’d be appropriate
If I just started groping her
It’s more like I forgot how to ask
Do you want -
To do it!
We're not romantically involved
I hardly know her at all
Are things too casual for casual ***?

I’m not sure if I can do it for real
Like I can do in my head
So I’ll just stay there instead
Where we’ll experience some pleasurable
Moments at my leisure
Is it possible she could remember
Things I pretend?

I’m just saying
If she’s in front of you
Then you should try making moves
On her
Instead of yourself
You’ve got a lot more
Going for you
Than you might think
So you’ve gotta
Do what you can
Not to feel this anxiety

And go
Just go
Go and put yourself out there

Whenever I need to
Take a number two
(That’s a poo)
You can bet your rear
That I go in fear of
Something near enough to
Sink its fangs into my ***
Toilet snakes!
They’re hiding in the drains
They’re coming for my bottom
I can’t get them off my brain
It’s bad enough that **** is shaped
Exactly like a snake
A ***** ***** cylinder
That could be filled with venom
Or with what I ate
For dinner yesterday
It’s finally digested
Now it looks that way
scream
It’s a snake!
scream
It’s a snake!
You’ve got to flush that **** away

The sun wants to eat us all
The sun wants to eat us all
It would have happened quite some time ago
If the Earth wasn't quite so small
The sun wants to eat us all

It paralyzed my love, as
She stepped in view of the sun
I ran to save her, but I fell myself
Is my spirit strong enough
Is my spirit strong enough

I panicked at the thought that
You might lose your light
I was aware that my body was there but
Yours wasn't by my side
Yours wasn't by my side

So I pushed my arms
And legs to the limit
I was traveling at light speed
But couldn't do anything to
Bridge the galactical gap between us
I couldn't keep up with you
It’s like you travel at lightspeed too

We flickered off and on with the
Enormity and heat of the sun
Then her outline flared as the fire and air
Overcame everything she was and
We were muddled up in the sun

It was a fiery faceless sea
But there’s a part of you I recognized as me
That made incineration feel like ecstasy
You did away with my egoic truth
I was content to think I’d be consumed
                  
Until out of the miasma as two beams of light
We sped through outer space to what we left behind (as us)
Instead of the intensity of being one
We chose the selves we couldn't stand to lose
Not to the fear of our impending doom

Don’t lose yourself to the way that
You think that they want you
I keep being people that are unlike
The ones that were once me
And I’m not made that happy
By things, fun, or people
In a couple rotations
I’ve lost myself
And become something new
To become something new again

When they come back around
And you know they’ll come around
Will they see me standing there
Or will I be on the move
There’s a circle to run in
But I can’t just keep running
When the way gets familiar
And I stop looking cool
I have to change
That’s okay. That’s okay I guess
I’m reborn in new action
I’ll just do something else

You have to live with it
Whatever you do
Well that’s life for you
You have to handle it
You’re being destroyed
By the things you choose to
Make decisions for you
But it’s not who you are
No, you don’t have to be
What you’re doing today

I  just can’t stay still
And I can’t keep pace
Just to spiral
I have to change

Knockaround shoes in the middle of winter
There’s holes in the toes of my Vans
And the heels of my socks - soaked through
From the puddles I couldn’t avoid
On the way to play a gig at your place
In your basement, it’s only you and your dog

You pick up your bass and play
For an hour out of tune
I could just leave, but I’ll smoke and drink
This coffee from the guy you’re doing
This coconut creamer is sweet enough
That neither of us bothers with
The stevia, agave, or flattery
Typical when men and women
Are as close as we’ve been getting to getting it on
Without getting it on

I tasted just a little bit of *****
as I drank another cider
after ******* in the mint in the front of my house
now, given, I was smoking a spliff
and coughing my *** off
but ******* it tasted mostly of the
three-star chicken Pad Kee Mao
I ate some hours earlier and just barely
of my peanut m&m dessert

Do you feel the strength?
In your birdlike chest and your bloated stomach?
The urge to glut yourself on beer and vittles.

Chips and guacamole.
*******. This is delicious.

But what should we do - Eat
Or should we abstain in
The middle of the night?

I’ve had a few beers since
The couple margaritas,
But I have no chance stopping
‘Til the shows have ended.

There’s more I need to know.

I watched an episode and a half before
remembering my laundry in the washer
needed changing over
but the dryer hadn’t finished with the
bathroom rugs
despite having finished its cycle so
I turned the dial around to the dot and
twisted the **** to the right
prompting the rickety dryer to tumble
the dampness from the still-damp rugs
if possible
while my clothing sat off to the side
in a pile to soak and
I hope not but
possibly mildewed

Saturday mornings growing up
my mother made me clean the bathroom

. windex . bleach
. scrub brush . rags
. mop . bucket . broom . dustpan
. lots of paper towels

she insisted I clean the bathroom
every Saturday morning
before I did anything else
with absolutely no chance of an allowance
she paid me plenty she said

. shelter . food . clothing
. television . internet . video games
. books . some sort of education

not to mention

. life

“do it because you love me”

so waking up Saturday
meant cleaning the bathroom

it meant my hands reeked of chemicals
while my friends enjoyed games I couldn't join
it meant I missed the best of all
the cartoons everyone else watched
it meant I didn’t feel like loving my mother

for years I begrudgingly

. scrubbed . wiped . cleaned

that bathroom
until it sparkled - until it shined
like the top of the Chrysler building

. sink . mirror
. toilet . tub
. floor

all of it spotless
love you mom

then in college
there's this woman that I'm living with
this woman that provides me with

. shelter . food . clothing
. television . internet . etc.

and she makes me feel alive
so I clean her bathroom
and when she asks me, “why?”
all I can think to say is

“I did it because I love you”

and it feels like that's the truth

In Autumn when the leaves thin:
The way along the sidewalk is
Easier to navigate. I barely duck
Or change direction
Where I’m used to hitting my head.

There is a self
that is my self
but not just mine
it is us all
and in that all
I will meet you

I hope someday
to be the trees
I saw just out the window

they'd grown together
twisted fondly
trunk caressing trunk
branches tangled in each other
making it impossible
to know which branch
came from which tree

I knew there were two
separate trees
but they were one

they were dependent
on the same resources
their food and water
came from the
same ground
they were rooted
in the same foundation
each needed the other
to stay standing
so they supported each other

and while they weren't
the largest
or even the most beautiful
trees around
they were strong enough
to serve their purpose

and it was obvious
that they would be there
at least a little while longer

to think that love
could be made and
that we could make it
we two being
what we are
hopeless romantics
worshipping an ideal
we've been the
gods of all along

too long
have we settled to take
whatever came our way
too long
have we waited
in silence
hoping that
"destiny"
would run its course
when "destiny"
was in our hands
from the very beginning

they say
the world is ours
for the taking
but anyone
can take the world
it's a ripe piece of fruit
dangling over
the public side
of a fence
all we'd have to do
is stand on tiptoe
and wrap one hand around it
but what would we do
with the world?
take a bite
and leave it to
a swarming anthill?
no
the world
is not for us
to have

we are not
consumers
after all
we are
creators
and while our
resources
are limited
you being everything
that's mine
and I being all that's yours
we manage
to make
what others
cannot
find

you can do that whenever you want to
and you probably will
if just to prove you can

activities you love are still worth loving
and you realize that
your appreciation of
ice cream and literature
while shared with her
is uniquely yours

separate from her and your love for her

here in this city
again, we have potential
my neighbor and friend

walking home at something like one o’clock
this man has his belongings
spread across the width of the sidewalk
spilling over into the grass on either side
he’s standing right in the middle of the **** pile

so I get to him as I inevitably would
thankfully protected from conversation
by audio-technica
I sidestep him and his specialty garbage
smiling broadly at inaudible snarling
and shouting I blissfully ignore
for several blocks
until this car’s lights flash
as it passes me on Fremont

a blue smudge floats about my right eye
I blink and the smudge begins again only clearer
again quickly
again again
blink blink
wink
is that a knife?

a spiral of increasingly recognizable knives
swirls about my eye
pivoting with my left
I swing my right foot clockwise
to turn around and pause
my right heel against the pavement
with my toes pointed up

I carefully adjust my headphones
as I gaze intently toward a figure in the distance
he doesn’t feel so distant

nope

I take a couple steps backward
not breaking my gaze
then turn abruptly forward
hastening my pace
I don’t need to run
he’s not that close
just walking quickly, maybe briskly
should be enough to make it home
I don’t know
he won’t follow me
not all the way at least

inside me are organs
inside my cells are organelles
inside me are organelles
they are mine
they are me

they are composed of atoms
they are composed of protons, neutrons, electrons
protons are mine
they are me
neutrons are mine
they are me
electrons are mine
they too are me
electrons and mitochondria and kidneys
are me
I am me

bone comprises skeleton
marrow comprises bone
bone and skeleton are me
marrow too is me
I feel this in my self
I feel this in my bones
bone feels this in my marrow
bone and I share marrow

are streetlamps heaven or hell?
I walked beneath dozens tonight and each held
maybe hundreds of moths. assorted insects
found the light they sought after and died
from the intensity of its glow.
is it heaven they found or hell?
it consumed them. it was everything they could hope for,
and it consumed them. brilliant lights burning
above them gave them hope of a better place.
are they in a better place?
I can't help but wonder. they don't look happy,
but nothing looks happy
when it's trapped in a cage,
burning up bit by bit.

oh darling
it is you who cries too often
and leaves nothing inside herself
it is you who purges
sweat
and blood
and *****
to the gods of self and society
sweat and blood and *****
to void and nothingness

grinning insanity of grief
cries to know and chooses not to
it is pain that you know
and pain that won’t release you

do not forget the heat of what fills your *******
your arms
your genitals
your sweat is burning
your blood is burning
***** burning
it is hell inside

empty your hell to me my love
empty your hot and heavy
loaded words and baggage
neverending flow of **** and ****
neverendingneverending
you are full of fire
and the molten gods of self-sacrifice
refuse to relinquish you
to holy happiness

empty your hell to me my love
I will cool your brow
with lips and hands and water
I will wash you in my love
I will know you with new love
I will fill you with
this serenity
that you can
empty
into
me

cool the fires of fear
and pain and loss and betrayal
with new fires of passion
that are exuberant acts of ecstasy
we are human after all
- only human
and holy holy holy to each other

this is what we are
beings filled with fire
molten images craved
even worshipped
created by gods
to serve as successors
we must stitch ourselves together
and quench this hell with heaven
a reclamation of scars
and scar tissues
we may build our own city
entirely of gold

she calls it
the BIG V
a ****** name
tasteless
but accurate
it is
BIG
very
B
I
G
stretched out
used
sold for such
a low price
*****
*******
*****
****
****** deviant
not exactly
a role
model
not some
saint
by any means.
I've seen it.
perhaps I will
never have
***
if other women
look like that
vaginas
like gaping holes
holes so large
it makes your
*****
seem superfluous
a thin branch
against a muggy
night sky
"did you bring
protection?"
she asks
I can only imagine
why she should
ask me that
am I in danger?
what monsters lurk
in that
bottomless cavern?
I want no part
in this expedition
I do not want to go
spelunking

press your hand in mine
tight enough to feel you there
loose enough to breathe