the spider in the corner
by the ceiling
but not on the ceiling
was expected
but the one that
crawled from beneath
my desk drawers
only to linger
just between the
hidey-hole below him
and the whole -
well, the whole ******* desk
really got me
and I hope he hides
because I'm excitable
a skyward dash
might just as well
be a death sentence
but more power to him
if I'm unaware

Okay, you want to live again
Same question as before:
What for?

I know you’re asking me

Of course I’m asking you -

You see I’m also asking me
Because I’ve answered this before

You’ve also given reason why you shouldn’t

Well, I wasn’t asking you
I’m asking me
And I’ve done a lot of things
I always thought I wouldn’t

But now getting back to me

Of course
It’s always about me

It is

I know
Sometimes I just get bored exploring
“What is wrong with me,” or
“What might make me want to live”

I think there must be some reason

I think there must be some reason

Even you?

Of course you would, but still I wonder

Yes, I wonder

So what for?

Much the problem with connection
If only tethered by affection
Or some pleasurable action -
If there is no obligation
Without pleasure or affection
Should I not just altogether
Discontinue interaction?

I have wondered

I have wondered

There’s continued interaction

And still
Much of it is pleasant
But this isn’t necessarily
Sufficient reason for existence

So you, ask

As if you would rightly know

To be, with reason
It might be said then
Is something beyond you

And beyond me

I think so too

But still
Some reason ought to do-
Regardless if it’s me or you
To think of it

I have to choose

So anything?

Not anything

Then anything that comes to mind?

There must be joy
That we can find in what we do
If I can say what ought to motivate us
You
Or me
Or I
Or somehow us together
Living to enjoy the being
Doing not to cement or gain
Or fight so often
Being for the light and wind
That make clouds, trees, and grass dynamic

For the wind again
For the flight it makes possible

Yes
Even birds could not be what we hope to see
Without unseen
Often unappreciated
Natural forces that peak our interest
Only because of some spectacle

And there is much spectacle

I needed to die - apparently
You keep telling me
You’re going to **** me
But I still take your calls
And invite you into my home
Expecting some drama
I’m just glad not to be caught off guard

“You trust that I’m not gonna **** you”
“Of course”
His arms cinched around my neck.
I really wanted to hold out as long as I could
But I couldn’t go more than a couple of seconds
Before my hand slapped frantically for release

-

He’s got his hands on my shoulders
I’m ******* in air
Which is normal
But I’m somehow ******* down air
Yeah, I know I said ******* in air before
Then ******* down
But however I’m *******
I went from tapping his arm to

- I don’t ******* know -

I just died
For a second at least
And he’s sorry
And I don’t know what for
I said that I trusted him
Sure
I was scared
For a second at least
But I didn’t feel anything anymore
Almost as soon as I started to
Worry that I wasn’t really okay

After all of that
All I can ask is,
"Can you crack my back?"

there’s a portion of my jaw
that’s been decaying for a while
but my dentist said it’s nothing
so I’m living in denial
of the costly surgery to come
if I can even swing it

I’m rotting
I’m rotten
counting on tools
that I sabotage daily
to harness an energy
I can’t generate,
so often,
too often -
I’m looking at the cost of a coffin
instead of getting prepped
for a day in the life

The washer and dryer mask the sound of Nana and me
Down the three or four steps to the garage
Of the Blackberne house
Her hands on my hands or more likely
Gripping my forearms
As dimples take over my chin
Voice shaking
As she dredges the grief of the day out of me

he collects unopened packs of playing cards
that sell him this experience of
hyperventilating with the hope of something invaluable
popping up in an unexpected pack of playthings

                                                               ­                     “They’re collectibles!”

the customer’s wringing his fingers
like he’s pulled the crank of some slot machine
promised to pay out big

                                                            ­                                      “THIS TIME!”

as he rips the packaging
to get at the meat of his purchase
card after card fanned before him
plainly shows his gamble

                                                               ­                                  “Didn’t pay off
                                                             ­                                     this go ‘round.
                                                         ­                           ***** to **** and all,”

he gets the thrill he paid for
but still walks away with less somehow

Better get to saying
While I’m able to say anything
I hope I’m saying something
That’s worth saying at all

All I’m trying to say is
I don’t think I’m gonna
Always have a mouth
I won’t always have a jaw
Or a tongue - for that matter

My esophagus is rotten
And my vocal folds are tattered
Bits of tissue flapping
Without issuing anything of interest
To those generally listening
To me
go on and on and on and on

There’s another minute wasted
I spent hours practicing to waste
Exactly in the way you’re wasting yours with me, now

By the time I finally make it to the end of
This mistakenly phrased sentiment
Regarding the nonsensical nature of language
You. might. hate. me.
I get the frustration
But all my time’s for wasting

It alleviates impatience
Saying one more saying
That they used to say
When we were just learning
How to say what we think

The aphorism applicable in any given situation
Has already been stated
So what’s with the expectation that
We be so **** creative?
After all - it’s ******* language

So to those that I’m communicating
Signifieds with signs
I beg that you bear with me
As I produce this diatribe

It’s not that everything must matter
That I utter, but I wonder
If it matters that I bothered to utter
Anything to someone other - than myself
But not this - ya know?