a puff of smoke escaped his lips as he leaned against the balcony
the stars glowed and the city was loud with night goers
his hand stroked through his hair while the other hand tapped the cigarette on the edge of the stone anxiously

tap, tap ,tap

"you're going to die if you keep doing that."

her voice pierced through the night
turning around, he saw her standing at the large window, watching him pull the cig up to his mouth, and back down over the balcony

"that's the point, darling."

her puzzled expression tightened as she walked over to him and pulled the cigarette from his hand, dropping it off the balcony and watching it fall to the ground

"i'm not losing you"

the anxiety in her voice was obvious and her body clearly convulsed with panic
she leaned against his shoulder and kissed the side of his arm
gently, he pulled her long sleeve down and placed the pale skin in the yellow light, illuminating the red welts that stuck up

"you're going to die if you keep doing that"

repeating her words in a soft tone
he pulled her into his arms and caressed her hair
releasing her, he pulled out two cigarettes and a lighter

**"want to speed up the process together?"

Even the deepest blue couldn't make you feel as though it's all okay
Strangers arms grasping at your empty bones
Filling the gaps in your soul
Cars racing past the window on dark cold nights
Leaving you silent on grey balconies
The city is busy and you're alone
Smoking your cigarette
Hoping that chemicals will be better than crying
Blasting music and dancing in your skinniest little dress because at least the mirror loves you
Ripping up photos of forgotten memories
Memories that broke you and shattered your heart like a glass piggy bank
Wrapping lonely duvets around your  broken silhouette
Your body curls and your heart races and your senses spike because being alone is horrifying without someone by your side

I love you so -

*"dont lie"

the light seeped through the window and i lay awake with my head on your chest
i watched as the sun rose and cast shadows along the structure of your face
i'd run my fingers along the edge of your cheek bone
and listen as you mumbled sweet nothings in your sleep

sometimes i wondered what secrets you kept in the hallows of your skull
so i'd play with your hair and attempt to sneak my way into the life you'd locked away
sometimes i wondered if those secrets were the reason you became so cynical
and if those secrets were the reason you no longer talked to your father

the sun rose higher and played tricks on your arms
the arms you'd covered in purple and blue bruises
some days i wanted to reach into your skin and pull those blood vessels closed

eventually you'd wake and see me staring again
staring at your questionable eyes
blue, green, brown?
a combination of all three

and the sun would be high in the sky shinning through our window
creating mirages all over the lavender room that matched the spots on your skin
you'd smile and pull me close because your only reaction was to love
love someone else, but not yourself

You set fire to your yard
Because you said it was fun
And you placed razor blades in books you hated
Because you said it kept them away from you
You put tea bags in the coffee ***
Because you said it made better sadness than energy
And you poured your tears into a bath tub
Because you said it held them better than your eyes did
You pick the weeds instead of flowers
Because you said they were just as beautiful and deserved the appreciation
Instead of picking the petals, you braided the stems
Because you didn't want to lose hope that he loves you not
You would lay on the floor with a duvet around you
Because the bed made you sad
And you would dance in your underwear
Because little black dresses were too revealing
You did these things
Because you said they made you feel better

I want you to cradle my heart in your hands,
Gently, oh so gently,
But you only want to fumble with my *******.
Both are too precious
For your clumsy, greedy kneading.

Needing…Needing…
Bleeding…Bleeding…

You only ever wanted
The outside
You disregard
The love that lies within.

My mixed are words up
Rollercoaster party
Tracing paper vision
Deja vu songs.
I know I had a heartfelt conversation
But I can't remember who
And I can't remember what.
Not wise
Not wise
Stop speaking
All lies.
Bathroom banging on the door
Better get up off the floor
Paranoia hours away
Pour some more
And dance away.