our strings tugged and tangled with each other until one day i cut it.

i burnt the bridge
but i still desperately want to call out to you

im sorry i got your name involved
im sorry i just wanted some attention
im sorry im sorry im sorry
i regret everything i did and didn’t do with you
i feel so ***** and filthy and i want to pick at my skin until you’re out of my hair, out of my mouth, out of my mind
oh god i miss you so much
i still want to talk about what we used to and laugh like we used to and cry like we used to
you’re the only one that would help if i got like this but now you have someone and i burnt the bridge
i set it on fire and i ran away as far as i could but sometimes i come back and am tempted to rebuild it
but every time, it crumbles.

i had written my last goodbyes a while ago, hidden in my phone. a page of sentimental memories and apologies all ready to be sent when i was gone.
it was a split second decision, if i hadn't had been curious i probably wouldn't have done it. i walked into the bathroom, headphones on, lanyard in hand.

HOW TO TIE A NOOSE
1. your hands shouldnt be shaking. ask a friend for help.
2. you should be able to read this page. dry your eyes.
3. you should have a rope. an id lanyard won't work.

i tried for 30 minutes, shakily trying to tie a noose with my lanyard, hiding from strangers walking in and trying so desperately to just...
stop.

spoiler alert: it didn't work. i wasn't even close. i tried to choke myself with my own two hands, but it didn't work either. i ended up walking out of the bathroom cold and alone and terrified.

another spoiler: if you ask for help, you will receive it. i texted my friend asking him if he could tie it for me and he ended up talking me out of it.

the last spoiler: one day it ends. you won't suffer, you won't feel the pain that seems to eat up at your insides and banish you of all good feeling. one day, you'll be drinking a cup of orange juice and laughing with your friends and smiling up at the sun again and everything will feel okay.

im free!
i can finally breathe again i can finally look myself in the mirror again and firmly say that i want to be alive
ive broken the shackles you unknowingly tied around my ankles ive tossed out my old memories of you and i
im free!
i can finally focus on those who care about me, those who make me  happy
i don’t stay up at night, hysterically sobbing over you anymore i don’t even bother looking you in the eye anymore because i couldn’t care less.
im free! im free im free im free

its weird. i never thought id miss it.

the feeling of your lips on mine, the feeling of skin against skin against the cold concrete floor

i never thought id miss the sound of your voice calling out to me or the way your eyes never failed to meet mine

id never thought id miss the dirtiness of it all, the hidden marks you left on my skin and the half turned smiles we shared

i knew i would think about our conversations late into the night, our shared geekiness for the same things

but i never thought id miss it.

best friends with benefits. it was only meant to be temporary but i wanted it to last forever. best friends with benefits. almost yours but not quite. best friends with benefits. i never knew where the benefits ended and where self indulgence began.

i begged the universe to make me like you
I prayed for someone out there to make me interesting, to make me covered in tiny nicks and filled with cloudy thoughts
i just didnt realize it burned this much.

i only want you
i only want your attention i only want your love !!!!
im selfish i know
thereʻs other people coming to me
saying they care, trying to charm me
but i just want you
but you seem to want everyone but.