i don't know how i felt this way,
i don't know why i feel this way,

but girl,
you're dull, somedays -
oh girl,
act out, somedays

waiting for something different, i pace up and down
temptation is so strong, somedays
these days,
only today

god,
i didn’t mean for it to be
so easy
i didn’t mean to die
quite like that
just wanna
cover you in
anything
just wanna
hold you in
darkness
just wanna
be the one
you know?

ah
*******

she's working for me

got her on the couch now
her head between my thighs

i swear don't move

i just shake
and shake
for you

*******

i love my job
only somedays
days like this

every bottle
takes me nearer
every drink
helps me breathe

give me confidence tonight,
tomorrow could lead
anywhere

god - take me away
i want your silent revolutionary care
i want to be held

by you tonight

the more I tried to fix things;
the more they’d shatter
- i kept running from something
away from myself

to let go would be to fall into submission,
retribution

to admit what i feel
would be too much -
vulnerability left behind
i’m not like her

now it’s quiet -
no heartbreak, drama or fights
the worlds spins silently
now she’s been left behind.

a number of times the bell tolls for who we are and what we became -
you're the placid glimpse into my future
I hold onto like an ink-less pen.
tell me you need me, if you have the heart to.

still, i wait - i pace.
needing to know the right way to look,
the right way to think.
a backstreet stranger tells me you're gone but i don't listen,
a flickering streetlight tells me I'm lonely
and a patter of rain beckons me inside
- but the sign of the lighthouse,
tells me you still could be mine.

dashing down the coastline,
like a bitter dog in the flickering damp.
drinking all I fathom to stay in grace.
not a single word could revive you now.
I stay silent.

i let the waves embrace me with a withering sadness, as on my knees, i fall into the sea.
the damp sand caresses my feet as they sink into sanctuary - I cower, praying to the moonlight you would come home.

If I had to give a reason for why I had to make her leave me – it was easy. For a start, I couldn’t leave her. It was impossible for me – yet to push her over the edge was the easiest thing in the world, to force her to hate me so much she would never come back. Now, the reason I wanted her to leave me was obtuse, narcissistic and insane – I blamed her. It was her fault I hadn’t made a movie yet, written a book, travelled the world. It must’ve been her fault cos it sure as hell wasn’t mine.

After a drink, my savoir and solace – it spiralled into my lap that way, into ease. I didn’t even have to try, for in a way the intoxicated infected brain tried to teach me what was right – what I meant and what I could never let go. The darkest corners of oblivion took over me.

It happened so much more quickly than I could ever imagine. She cut me straight like a knife, like I never could. Like all the years, all the days, all the affection meant nothing. It could never have been so easy for me and the rejection that dawned was something I was untouched by – until this moment. And it hurt like a razor skimming your ankle. Like a cut to the throat.

Luckily, sadness fuels something else in me. A desire I was chasing, a desire to be everything I had ever wanted.

I spent so long trying to break free yet all I’m left with is sadness, isolation and regret.

I want you back like nothing I’ve ever felt before.