My new years resolution was to be more vulnerable
But nobody told me how weak weakness makes you feel
Roads so shut off I don’t even know where this avenue belongs
I wanna get back on the sidewalk where things are easier
Where  the echoes of my footsteps feel safe
Where my shadow doesn’t chase me with regret

But I think about the sun on my back in that unfamiliar place,where i once strayed
The way the black asphalt made me feel in the heat
The excitement I felt passing signs that warn don’t enter
The burning, in my toes, the warmth, that made me feel alive
Even if it was just for the moment
On this black pavement I can run
Places that the sidewalks never took me
A life that I’ve never been able to experience
All roads aren’t dead
But most don’t deserve a home to be built on them
It was fun while it lasted, a confession I must admit

This aching feeling will subside
Vulnerability heals,
The sidewalk is always there for safety
Sometimes the pain of barefoot heels on unknown roads is how we grow
A resolution worth its pain

let me cry
Seriously I’m surprised it took me this long to explode, i know I’ve began to crack prior to this, but nothings ever shattered
For all the times ive had reasons to blame or an explanation to pin
But this one shackled me in my head and demanded isolation
-A friend I haven't seen in a while
Accompanied by a low frequency of feeling and high frequency of tears
Push away the people who love you in order to not feel like a burden
Make jokes about all the things that hurt you the most
Force yourself to be vulnerable so you can hate yourself in the morning
Cry until your eyes hurt
Avoid all human interaction until the last drum beats its quiet but powerful hum
Silence out the voices of reason
You're enveloped by whatever this is- the music will soon stop
I never liked this song anyway i want it to stop
I haven't written in a while and i wonder if this is because I'm becoming vulnerable again
Remember when i didnt rely on people and hated constant company
Remember when i didnt realize how much i needed it until i loved constant company
The thought of isolation surrounded by four walls and people i hate rooted from the only thing i am supposed to love-
Kills me
It silences me
And everything i know
Im buried in everything i hate
I become everything i despise
I see myself becoming everything i fear
I picture myself sinking into something i can never come back out of
I like to hope that there is a bigger picture
One that i cant see now
I like to hope that there is a bigger picture
That i am oblivious to its colors
I like to hope there is a bigger picture
Because i have no answer for these happenings
I have questions so many questions
But have always hated “why me”
I wonder until I bite my tongue so hard that it bleeds “why me”
I think about the amount of people who have seen me cry
And i wonder what they think
I think about how my feet become robots trained to run far from heart beats whenever i start to feel pain
these blocks of cement run fast-

I am not allowed to feel pain
Who is that and how do you comfort her
I am not allowed to feel pain
Who am i to talk about myself and expect anyone in the world to understand
I listen to the dials of my phone ring and think about what made up story i should tell you when you answer
i dont know about pain,
i can never introduce you to her

This is my call for help
The rings continue to echoe
This is my call for help
All i need is one word
This is my call for help
And i dont want concern
i just need your help
i dont want your pity
I dont need your help
And i dont expect understanding
I am asking you for
help.

Let the phone ring
pick it up on the last ring so my intrusive thoughts have enough time to throw a party
Answer
Please
all you need to say is hello

sometimes all i am asking for

is a voice to remind myself that i am alive
Let me cry

Seriously I’m surprised it took me this long to explode, i know I’ve began to crack prior to this, but nothings ever shattered
For all the times ive had reasons to blame or an explanation to pin
But this one shackled me in my head and demanded isolation
-A friend I haven't seen in a while
Accompanied by a low frequency of feeling and high frequency of tears
Push away the people who love you in order to not feel like a burden
Make jokes about all the things that hurt you the most
Force yourself to be vulnerable so you can hate yourself in the morning
Cry until your eyes hurt
Avoid all human interaction until the last drum beats its quiet but powerful hum
Silence out the voices of reason
You're enveloped by whatever this is- the music will soon stop
I never liked this song anyway i want it to stop
I haven't written in a while and i wonder if this is because I'm becoming vulnerable again
Remember when i didnt rely on people and hated constant company
Remember when i didnt realize how much i needed it until i loved constant company
The thought of isolation surrounded by four walls and people i hate rooted from the only thing i am supposed to love-
Kills me
It silences me
And everything i know
Im buried in everything i hate
I become everything i despise
I see myself becoming everything i fear
I picture myself sinking into something i can never come back out of
I like to hope that there is a bigger picture
One that i cant see now
I like to hope that there is a bigger picture
That i am oblivious to its colors
I like to hope there is a bigger picture
Because i have no answer for these happenings
I have questions so many questions
But have always hated “why me”
I wonder until I bite my tongue so hard that it bleeds “why me”
I think about the amount of people who have seen me cry
And i wonder what they think
I think about how my feet become robots trained to run far from heart beats whenever i start to feel pain
these blocks of cement run fast-

I am not allowed to feel pain
Who is that and how do you comfort her
I am not allowed to feel pain
Who am i to talk about myself and expect anyone in the world to understand
I listen to the dials of my phone ring and think about what made up story i should tell you when you answer
i dont know about pain,
i can never introduce you to her

This is my call for help
The rings continue to echoe
This is my call for help
All i need is one word
This is my call for help
And i dont want concern
i just need your help
i dont want your pity
I dont need your help
And i dont expect understanding
I am asking you for
help.

Let the phone ring
pick it up on the last ring so my intrusive thoughts have enough time to throw a party
Answer
Please
all you need to say is hello

sometimes all i am asking for

is a voice to remind myself that i am alive
Let me cry

Manuscript of an unbeating heart

I walk the same path everyday and pass an abandoned lot filled with dirt

I watch the yellow flowers grow each spring in the rubble of what once was a home to somebody

And i wonder how they continue to grow, how the petals continue to grow,  through the neglect

Untaken care of and beaten down, by earth itself, but fed by a soil that keeps its heart beating

Continuing to paint beautiful bright colors of yellow and green in a field of black. Surrounded by life unbeating, but pulsating louder than a battlefield of drums.

Get used to it

Thoughts so intrusive I wonder how thin of a line lies between regret and morality
There was a time when someone told me that its possible to get used to anything
That wounds heal, feelings fade, people are easy to replace
I find comfort in the elasticity of emotions but question just how comfortable i should be
My fingertips, coated in cherry red, dripping with blood,fresh with ******
No longer cause me to tremble from killing what once existed
My words shackled deep into the caves of confession no longer try to run away
The echo of your voice meant everything to me but this silence envelopes me like a warm blanket
Hands covered in the remaining decay of 18 years of life, are easily washed off
I think about how easily the rest of me could be stripped away
I welcome the thought with sincerity
My face is covered in everything but what is expected- tears
I wonder how long I’ll go to sleep feeling like this
Comfortable in a sunflower field of anguish
You told me I could get used to anything
But those were words I could never get used to

The sun shines a million miles high as I sit on its beams
I jump to the clouds and visit the moon
I play with Saturn’s rings
And wave to Uranus
I stray far from Earth and picture myself
Floating forever in the comfort of zero gravity oblivion
I never look down and skip my way to Mars
I hold my breath and imagine a life far away from mine

In the middle of my book, compressed is a portrait of you
My book shielding me from the image of you
Your notorious eyes, sinful lips, blowing a blunt to slow down the madness brewing in your eyes
Those same eyes that were my muse
They hold the same glimmer and sadness but have been replaced by the warmth of the sun
But It's October 7th and the sun is down
Im standing in the beach with the Waves drifting from my toes
Back in your room with yellow cigarette butts cluttering your floor
October night giving me chills to my bones
Warming myself up with a beer
The smell of whiskey weighing the air, masking the stench of the carcass laying on the bed
her perfume lingering on your sheets, keeping you company
And once again you're stuck in the cycle of lonely nights
with her perfume covering your decaying youth
And me reminiscing the color yellow

When it's easier to fall out of love than in
How am I supposed to believe this is a forever thing
When you claim you've been in love before
How do I know I'm just not another
When my words mean more to you than my actions
How can I guarantee the same conversation won't have you falling for another
Lust before love
One is expected not to last
The other
A forever thing
One that never makes it to forever
Not now not never not in the past

maybe it is a blessing to be unable to capture the essence of the stars and moon in a photograph
to never have its value be lost through the lights of a phone screen
walking home alone with the illuminated sky to keep me company
that
that is a prominent thing keeping me alive

where can i find maturity in a place where everyone is afraid of change

when the house stars to smell like stale beer and **** again
And I don't know who to call
I can't help but feel these walls cave in again
Back to feeling like I have no one at all

shes his favorite type of chaos

thaw my frozen heart
lets be alone together

make me crave the warmth of your skin
make me wish you were here

remind me that frozen is vulnerable
remind me that frozen shatters

i never want to break that easy
i never want to be cold again

She was an enigma
The same reason he hated her
Was the main source of his love

you will get bored of me

but ill get bored of myself first

You can't blame me for getting sick of your consistency
You became a platter I ate seven days a week
You were once my favorite dish
But soon enough
The thought of you made me sick
There was
No spice
no flavor
no texture
just pure and utter predictability

I'm not thinking about you on my vacation
And I thought I made that clear

We're all just kids
Who grew up way too fast
Hoping to get to the good days
Wishing the good days would last

In the spotlight
That is not me
Behind the scenes
No one will ever see
I like that writing offers me comfort
I may be a ****** poet and I'll accept my own criticism
But the pages of my journal are my canvas
One where my life is portrayed
Captured in high definition
Lacking photo shop or an edit
No one knows I like to write and that's the greatest comfort of it all
It's my own little secret
I am my own Dorian Gray locking my portrait and hiding it forever
My friends don't know I write and neither does my mother
My teachers don't know I write and neither does my brother
It's a safety net under a thin line between sanity and insanity threatening to part their ways-
With insanity inevitably winning the tug of war of course
The therapeutic scribbles add to the thickness
They offer a chance
The uncontrable brush strokes work hard against gravity
Behind the scenes I am working on a masterpiece

I've seen more beer cans on the ground of the backstreets of my town than kids playing outside
I hear the background music of apps like temple run more often than I hear book pages being flipped on a train
While hearing the explanation to why my friend is in a fight with her boyfriend key words like "opened my snapchat" "read my text" "ignored my dm" are brought up more than you can ever imagine
I stand up for millennials, I am a millennial but in light of the good we cannot ignore the bad
we have made technological advances that once were unfathomable
We have made scientific discoveries that were once unimaginable
We are the future
But we can not ignore how we might lead to our own downfall
We are the future
But do we want our kids to live in an even more intense version of this technological blur
This addiction, this technological addiction will lead to our own demise
The youth will never see another playground again because they can visit one in their screen for points
Children today are addicted to phones before they can even project their own sentences
Adults use it as an escape to quiet their kids for a little, "to distract them" "keep them occupied"
A few years later they ask them why they never leave their room, why they are glued to their laptop
You cannot punish the robot you created
You cannot revoke the escape key you once gave them
There is a problem in today's generation
And we need it to change
One day iWish to walk the streets of my town and see more children than empty bud lights

My boss called me an open book today
And I kind of took offense to it
But then I realized an author chooses what they want to publish
Authors write the chapters they want people to see
They choose how many pages are read
He may think I'm an open book but there are pages torn out
Pages that have been destroyed and will never be available for human consumption
He may think I'm an open book
And maybe I'll let him think I am
At least I realize that fiction books exist too

"Everytime I think I find the purpose to life they seem to change it. "

Heavy hearts and heavy minds
Become the initiation to your teenage years
Feel like **** all the time?
Welcome right in!
You're perfect for the teenage angst club!

Don't know how to feel ever ?
Sign your name right here!!

Ever stay in bed for hours dreading your reflection in the mirror or the daily role you have to play in life?
Sign here here and here !

How bout the constant beat of your humdrum life
Does it ever drive you crazy??
Us too!! thats the  Teenage Angst clubs most played song ! Even thought we abseloutely loaathe it
It seems like the pause button never seems to work

Ooooo! What about relationships?? Do you self destruct when any glimmer of good is introduced in your life??
Oh ! Perfect!
If you've answered yes to one or more of any of these questions
Please feel free to send your resume in! we accept any and all miserable teenagers on the verge of insanity
Our club thrivessss on deranged thought
We hope you can make it to our meeting next week!
-that is of course if you can make it out of bed
Xoxo we'd love to see you

She thought of you as Sunday morning
You thought of her as Friday night
You were her cup of coffee
She was your hangover delight
She wanted you every morning
You only ever wanted her at night
She wondered what she could do to make you see that
To clear your blurred vision of life
You never listened to a word she said
all you ever wanted to do was get to the bed
She exceeded your expectations
But you were too blind to see
She could've been your Sunday morning, your morning coffee and your favorite type of tune
She could've been your messy bed sheets, your comfiest pjs and your midday afternoon
She could've been that but you were too naive to notice
now she's spending Sunday morning with someone who treats her like java beans and omelets
While youre laying in a bed full of empty on Friday night

She falls in love with rejection
The lack of attention
She may need an intervention
But it cant be prevented
The mere mention
Of self descension
Wraps her mind in a new dimension
She falls for degradation
And cant help her fascination
She is stuck in a contravention
Which leads to sleep deprivation
He is not easy to fool
She thinks in admiration
She is in love with rejection and his never ending reprehension

Oh she was a people pleaser
She always got attention
But trust me it was always the best kind
She was a firefly in the darkest of nights
She spun heads and opened minds
When she spoke the whole place lent ears to listen
It didn't matter what she was saying
Her presence was pure interest
She was magnificent
She was a mystery that couldn't be solved
She was the girl that everybody wanted to be

I don't want to talk to anyone if it feels like an obligation
And everything seems like an obligation

I wish I could understand myself
How do I expect anyone to read my emotions
When I can't even understand my own, let alone feel them
I've been in situations where I know my heart is supposed to race or my eyes are supposed to glimmer
But there always seems to be some type of malfunction
Like I lack these human necessities
Like my emotions decided to go on break
I'm not talking lunch but more like a 52 week vacation

I've learned to never rely on anybody
Never for happiness
Never for help never for stability

I preach safety
But I no longer lock the door
I don't put on my seatbelt
Or look both ways
I don't double check things
Or worry about the dark
I walk the streets at midnight
With no sense of paranoia
Lacking the urge to look back
I don't mind if someone is following me


Because I have nothing to fear
These are all things I used to preach about
But no longer practice
Fear does not appeal to my senses
Nothing seems to anymore
I am numb like the tips of my thumbs upon return

Has a memory ever sent  chills of anxiousness down your spine
after your mind so considerately forced it  to replay a cringing vivid encounter of a horrific experience
The high definition play back never fails to send me shivering in my seat
I feel like my friends are always asking me if I'm cold

Have you ever been in love with the thought of someone
I just recently figured out that I was
if these signs flash red in your head  save yourself some time and break up with your mind
Here are some warnings that you are falling in love with a preconceived idea instead of the physical real deal
I can daydream for hours about what we can be together
Conversations come easy in my mind
he always seems to know what im thinking and i always laugh at his jokes
He's all i can think about and i wish for every second to be spent by his side
I wonder what he's doing at the moment and can't help but wonder if he's thinking about me too
We playfight and laugh for hours he tackles me onto the bed
We fall asleep watching our favorite movies and wake up to bagels and coffee
We talk about our favorite books and roam the streets of New York
We're the happiest couple in the city and it radiates for miles

My daydream is cut short by my doorbell
It's him at the door
I open it excited to feel again
I am greeted by your face but your smile doesn't make my heart race
You come in for a hug but it's nothing but an empty embrace
We grab snacks turn on a movie but it's not how I pictured it
Our conversations seem to be scripted
Every touch feels like an obligation
We fall asleep to avoid each others distance
We wake up to bagels and coffee
But my favorite book isn't the same as yours
Your favorite song comes on but it makes me cringe
The distance between us feels larger
And it projects through the busy streets of the city life
I realize that I'm not in love with you
I never have been
It's really not you
It's me
Really and my crazy distorted mind
The one that is too imaginative and wishful for me to tame
I need to cut this off
Us
Me
Most importantly
My exaggetory hopeless romantic mind