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17
17
he tried to **** himself
wanted to take his own life
but when i look at him
i really can’t see why
his smile is the only thing
that can bring me peace
his laugh makes my ears ring
his voice convinces my tears to cease
he is the most beautiful thing,
that i have ever seen
if only he'd believe that
it'd help him make it to seventeen
mila splawska Jul 18
i imagine you kissing her
and i am filled with dread
i imagine you ******* her
and i wish i was dead
mila splawska Jul 17
and in those 23 seconds
i could not breath or think or speak
astounded with my inability to be
ok without you
i’m suspended in time
trying to change reality
you left me
and i have no more words for you
except to say
i imagined fashioning my pain into some sort of weapon
but only for those 23 seconds
and then i recalled that
i still love you
and i could never hurt you
oh but how i want to
:(
:(
i stand in awe
of my ability to break others
i have broken my every law
and left so many rubbles
i have begged, as you did me, stay
i myself have been broken
knawed at, eaten away
from a fairytale, you were woken
- by my frozen fingers
??
??
i cant give you what you need
since im too far away
please dont find it elsewhere, see
i will never sway
mila splawska Jun 17
a young girl sits
a sad look on her face
a broken heart under a charred chest
the air sits still around her
her frozen skin
she isn’t moving
silent voices urge her to move on
a single tear thaws her cheek
she opens her mouth to speak
no sound comes out
her eyes close
her face crumbles
she is about to breath her final breath
suddenly
something stirs inside of her
her heart begins to beat again
a steady breath comes back
she looks down
a hand is holding hers
a pair of deep brown eyes look up
she is alive
because anything is possible when there is love.
mila splawska Jul 28
all of the most beautiful people i know are
torn
scarred
and
tattered.
and though they wear their
shatters as
accessories,
most no longer
ashamed.
it kills me to think of
what they
must have
been through.
all those negotiations with the devil,
it kills me to think
what did they lose?
boy
mila splawska Jul 12
boy
you leave around mid morning
shoving money into your bag first
your mother sees you running
out the door, you’ve forgotten to quench your thirst  

so you buy an ice cold beer
even though it’s only eleven

you meet friends at the park
where music plays too loud
suddenly you’re covered in a cloud
of smoke, you hide behind your cigarettes
your friends place bets
on which girls who walk by are virgins
soon you see your girlfriend emerging
from the subway, she smiles
but her teeth are grey
already been smoking for three years

you waste the day away
smiling on the outside
but you can feel your soul decay
along with your lungs
another puff of smoke
cigarette number four
you would never ask for more

somehow, you’re fulfilled

- this is all you know, isn’t it?
needs thick editing
i know that you're broken
only i am broken too,
i wanted to wade through the shattered pieces with you
and you wanted that
but only
because you thought i'd be good at it
not because you wanted me
but i want(ed) you so much
mila splawska Jun 16
and all you’d tell me was that you loved me and that i better not let anyone tell me any different
and then suddenly your hands were cold, your expression dangerously indifferent
and when i finally tore your fingers from your palm
i saw the blood and the blade and a note labeled
at least now im
calm
your eyes are made of oceans
your heart is made of gold
you're going through the motions
but you carry far too much to hold
when rain falls from your clouds
showering down from your stormy eyes
you mustn't hide them in thick shrouds,
or pretend you have clear skies
you shouldn't ever be ashamed,
for they are just proof of your fight
- (i have my own raindrops too, i just don't allow them to be seen, amongst big crowds and loud, i hide them in my drink)
mila splawska Jun 13
the boy is sad, they said
i know, i answered:
“the world wants him dead”
“i’m fine,” he’ll yell when we banter
though he knows i know he’s lying
he grew up thinking that to matter
you couldn’t show anyone your crying
and so when he’s sad, he climbs a ladder
and never promises that he’ll climb back down
you’re outside and hot
and dreaming of a freezing shower
you get inside and you can’t remember
why
you wanted it so much just then
and now not at all
i wonder if that’s what i am to you
a cold shower
that you no longer crave
(just leave me, i'll be fine)
mila splawska Jul 16
it feels a little less like jealousy
and a lot more like defeat
i don’t why i thought
that you would choose me
the ecstasy i felt
when your hands ran over my bare skin
was the same as
the ecstasy i felt
when you accepted all my sins
(i think this is how it's supposed to be)
mila splawska Jul 12
i hate this feeling of losing something that i never had
- you were always hers, i should have known
looking back on it now, i was just so empty.
and everyone left me like that,
cold and empty.
i try to move on but it’s holding me back. i just can’t forget, i could barely wake up.
all i needed was love, some warmth and a hug. but nobody came and so there i was,
tortured within the mind i called my own.
all i really wanted was a way to get home.
but nobody called and nobody wondered so i started to fade.
the way the sun fades giving way to clouds and darkness.
the way the light fades and everything innocent fades with it.
mila splawska Jul 16
“she slept at his last night”
i can’t deal with the feeling
that fills even
my fingertips with pangs of pain  
fight or flight?

“oh ok”

i choose neither, there’s nothing i can do
“Friends?” I asked, looking over at him.
“Always,” he answered.
It’s been weeks since we’ve spoken.
He never checks in.
He barely looks at me.
I’ve forgotten what it feels like to talk to him.
He’s in love with a new girl.
I still want to cry every time I see him.
It hurts.
I miss him.
He doesn’t seem to miss me.
I’m angry.
It hurts.
“Friends?” I asked, looking over at him.
“Always,” he answered.
And right then, my heart broke.
mila splawska Jul 12
one day, you’re going to be sitting at your kitchen table, drinking your second morning coffee while sun streams in through the window. and on your third or fifth or maybe seventh sip, it’s going to hit you like a train. everything you’ve lost. all the memories we could’ve made.
if you want to, leave.
but don’t you dare call me at nine a.m. on my favorite day of the week, hyperventilating while you sob into your mug, to tell me how much you need me.
- don’t you dare. hear me?
it's all kind of starting to fall apart again
i built my brick walls and they're starting to crumble
i'm screaming for help but you only hear a mumble
it's all coming back again
the deep dark, the dead cold
i'm inside, in the warmth
but inside is where it's cold
do you still want to help me?
you said you really did
i tried to look for you but you went and hid
do you even know me? can you see my pain?
i think that you're blinded by the never-ending rain
the rain of my tears, the rain of your own
the rain from the sky, the lightning, the thunder
so i'll just say goodbye.
mila splawska Jul 12
i knew you did graffiti
i guess i didn’t know how much
that is until you left me
and there were marks all over my heart
my heart doesn't have to be aesthetically pleasing to you,
you have no idea what it's been through
some people find heaven in
a smell, a taste or a sound
i found heaven in
you,
my love
i can't explain how i feel
numb simply doesn't suffice
just watch me trip and reel
while the world re-rolls its dice
when can i go home?
or just back to bed?
i can no longer roam,
my demons need to be fed
i feel like a lot of people have similar feelings, but nobody seems to talk about them.
no need to worry about me, im feeling quite ok right now.
i wrote this a while ago,
just drawing from old emotion.
mila splawska Jul 12
i don’t know how to get rid of the sensation of your hand in mine.
how do you throw up the way someone made you feel?
i am physically ill at the thought of hurting you
- i was too scared to love you
mila splawska Jul 18
i want you
i need you
your messy cigarette- smelling hair
your aura, the way you just don’t care
the dark, thick clothes you wear
the drinks you down when you feel you belong nowhere

maybe it’s because i think i can save you?
even though i know i won’t ever be able to change you

you’re dangerous, a little lethal
and i am weak for you
my hands were not fit to hold your heart
- and for that, i will never be done saying sorry
i was your aesthetic, you wanted to wear me all around
you wore me out of the house, and later threw me on the ground
in your empty room, heated rapidly by the sun
and then you forgot about me, and now my soul is gone
evaporated into the musty air,
all because you didn't care
i wasn't always pretty, sometimes my colors would fade
i was your aesthetic, but that doesn't mean i was yours to manipulate
if i said i miss you
would you drop your life and just run back?
if i said i'd kiss you
passionately as if you hadn't hung me on a rack
if i said 'i'm sorry'
even though we all know it was your lack
of love to give
would you drop your life and just run back?
if my words could fix your pain,
i would write a novel long enough to fill an entire library
and speak until my voice just stopped
if my hugs could ease your sadness,
i would hug you until my arms were too weak (or you pushed me away)
if my love could make you smile,
i would love to the ends of the earth,
and if i knew how to help you,
i swear to god i would.
mila splawska Jul 12
how stupid i was to think it would be a privilege to get my heart broken by you
- all heartbreak tastes the same
(something like hate and remorse and emptiness)
i'll give you my heart, and my soul too
so at least when i go, not all will be blue,
you can pretend im still there,
and remember this, please,
i held on as long as i dared,
and i didn't do it for me.
i wrote this in a pretty dark place but im still here & breathing.
i love you all, don't give up.
they only stare and care when
my body is bare
the only thing that matters
is that in their mind, i'm theirs
what size bra do i wear?
when can they see me?
what do i sleep in?
will it cost them a fee?
i should own more lace
i'm driving them crazy
i'm such a tease,
why won't i just take it off?
just remove it, with ease
i refuse, they scoff
"stupid girl, i'm done with you"
(if only that were true)
it breaks my heart to see you,
with such a sad look on your face,
but at least you're being true,
and you're doing it with grace.
one day, you will be fine
and that's enough for me,
i'm throwing you a life-line
praying it doesn't get lost at sea
- (i hope it falls right into your hands)
mila splawska Jul 29
i run purely on coffee and thoughts of you
- i hope you know
mila splawska Jul 12
i want to tell her how you touched me
show her every patch of skin your hands graced
but you’ll just lie and say there was no ‘we’
and you have no idea my taste
but your lips were pressed against mine
and you acted as though you meant it
i should've read between the lines
i will never be missed
even though i think i must
i was once wanted
but it was shallow lust
- i was blissfully unaware of how little i mattered, you’ve already run back to her
mila splawska Jun 17
your mouth is just a canvas for your lies
your hands just vessels to commit your crimes
and i was just a waste of your time
mila splawska Jun 21
people always say they’ll love me no matter what and then they always leave
i know you’ll end up leaving too
but please assure me,
no matter what
i still need to hear those words
no matter how much it will later burn
lie to me,
you(‘ll) owe me that.
the worst feeling isn't sadness
the worst feeling is nothing
if you're sad at least you know that
you're still alive
that you're still human

the worst way to be is to not know how you are
to not be able to sort your thoughts
or put your finger on a specific mood

to feel utter nothingness

is true pain
pain without feeling
numb and on fire
all at once
what did i possibly find in myself that i yearned so deeply to change?
my eyes were bright and happy,
my smile nothing strange.
but from the depths of darkness,
came the monsters of my mind,
telling me that to be beautiful,
i had to ignore the signs
of brittle hair and an aching heart.

to be beautiful
i had to miss the mornings, days and nights
when hate wasn't setting me alight

i wonder if i could've stopped
the monsters of my mind?
i guess it's a little too late now,
for to them i have resigned.
you changed my life in no time
and i'll never be the same
i miss you more than i
care to share  
and i want you every day
you are the stars in the night sky
when the rest of the world is dark
i like you, i love you, i need you
you've really left your mark
(on this heart of mine)
mila splawska Jun 10
the people with the most pain
give the most love because
they know how much others need it
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