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133 · Jul 8
i stand in awe
of my ability to break others
i have broken my every law
and left so many rubbles
i have begged, as you did me, stay
i myself have been broken
knawed at, eaten away
from a fairytale, you were woken
- by my frozen fingers
mila splawska Aug 23
there are other girls like me
with debilitating caffeine addictions
and an allergy to calories
to whom feeling “ok” is fiction
whose emotions come only in extremes
soon enough everyone will realize
that i am nothing special
then they’ll leave and fantasize
about loving somebody else
122 · Sep 3
high school
i. and isn’t kinda sad that, we base our self worth on a letter in a black book and we wake up every day to walk to the same place and we wake up every day to act the same way
ii. and we don’t know what to do anymore because even when we try our best it’s like we took a guess because everything is wrong and the only thing we can do is rely on the same songs that seem to get us through it even though we feel like we’re about to lose it
iii. and at this point we’re just scraping the bottom of the barrel and at this point we’re  just happy if we make it through the day without ‘knocking’ over a candle to burn our skin a little because our mental health is so brittle.
iv. and i know the square root of 961 but not the root or reason of this blood that’s flowing from my wrists
v. i can’t be trusted with any of this
122 · Jun 6
i was your aesthetic
i was your aesthetic, you wanted to wear me all around
you wore me out of the house, and later threw me on the ground
in your empty room, heated rapidly by the sun
and then you forgot about me, and now my soul is gone
evaporated into the musty air,
all because you didn't care
i wasn't always pretty, sometimes my colors would fade
i was your aesthetic, but that doesn't mean i was yours to manipulate
122 · Aug 21
“men aren’t evil”
mila splawska Aug 21
i lost faith in men the day
my father hit my sister
(its just this once)
i told myself
(it’s not abuse, it’s just his upbringing)
i told myself

i lost faith in men the day
i got catcalled walking home from camp
at 13 years old in shorts and a sweatshirt
(it wasn’t to me)
i told myself
i knew it was

i lost faith in men the day
a friend i had known for
my entire life
and trusted
assaulted me in the back of his moms toyota
(he didn’t realize i didn’t want it)
i told myself
(he doesn’t understand the concept of consent)
i told myself

i lost faith in men
because how can you believe in something when
all it does is strip you of your youth, innocence and joy
how can you stay faithful
when the bible feeds you lies
118 · Aug 26
come over when
mila splawska Aug 26
come over when you’re sober
or drunk
or sad as ****
come over when you need me
so i can give you love.
116 · Jul 8
i fucked up again
my hands were not fit to hold your heart
- and for that, i will never be done saying sorry
115 · Jul 13
the weather app lied
mila splawska Jul 13
i wanted to kiss you in the rain
it seems the best way to wash away pain
i checked the forecast, it said it would pour
we were supposed to meet at the park at half-past four
the sun shone all day
you didn’t show up anyway
the weather app lied
113 · 5d
you thought you could say yes or no
it wouldn’t really matter
but i am frailer than you know
if only you would notice the tatters
on my skin and even in my eyes
unfair, unkept, unkind
are the demons that hide deep within
as i grow frail, they grow strong
i don’t think i can fight them for long
(as winter approaches) branches break, ice cracks,
and i am growing frail
it is all due to your lack
of love.
(there’s no one left to keep me warm)
112 · Aug 27
soft girl :)
mila splawska Aug 27
her eyes are like emeralds
but they often fill with pools of tears
she’ll tell you she’s never trembled
but she’s been through a lot this past year
her smile is extremely bright
it lights up her face a lot
but behind it demons hide
she’s fine and then, she’s not
her demons scream “not good enough”
and she tries to fight them off
but this battle is far too tough
and her heart is far too soft
good thing that she is strong enough
to stand her ground anyways
she’ll fight the demons all with love
and leave the battleground unscathed
i. drifting slowly, falling faster.
ii. drifting away from you and falling in love with someone new.
iii. utter catastrophe.
iv. i’m broken and that’s why i break.
108 · Jun 2
“Friends?” I asked, looking over at him.
“Always,” he answered.
It’s been weeks since we’ve spoken.
He never checks in.
He barely looks at me.
I’ve forgotten what it feels like to talk to him.
He’s in love with a new girl.
I still want to cry every time I see him.
It hurts.
I miss him.
He doesn’t seem to miss me.
I’m angry.
It hurts.
“Friends?” I asked, looking over at him.
“Always,” he answered.
And right then, my heart broke.
mila splawska Aug 31
i. we tell our parents we're ok, and sometimes we are.

ii. but some days we eat anxiety for breakfast instead of oatmeal and depression for lunch instead of pizza and sleep for dinner instead of pasta.

iii. some days we smile and some days we laugh and some days we mean it and some days we don't.

iv. the occupational hazards of being a teen in 2019 are exhaustion and feelings that you don't know how to deal with or explain and cuts that cover your entire body and never ending pain and a sense that you'll never be the same as you were at 12 and 13. and everyone chalks it up to you being a teen. and maybe that's true or maybe it's not but that really doesn't help you enough. and just because your mother ignores the sobbing that she hears coming from your bathroom at half past four, doesn't mean she doesn't love you. id reckon she does care but she's being a little unfair but it's only because she's a little too scared to come to terms with the fact that her family isnt perfect and the sunflowers growing in your front yard aren't enough to prove it, especially to everyone who sees you in class or in the halls, washed out and just wishing the time would pass.

v. wishing the time would pass just a little faster.
102 · Jul 12
mila splawska Jul 12
i want to tell her how you touched me
show her every patch of skin your hands graced
but you’ll just lie and say there was no ‘we’
and you have no idea my taste
but your lips were pressed against mine
and you acted as though you meant it
i should've read between the lines
i will never be missed
even though i think i must
i was once wanted
but it was shallow lust
- i was blissfully unaware of how little i mattered, you’ve already run back to her
mila splawska Sep 26
i know you want the pain to end
but this is not the way
piercing your skin and starving
won’t make it go away
i haven’t yet discovered
the exact way to wither down
the pain that keeps you smothered
while your family floats around
staring at you, you look fine
at least from what they see
just because they don’t see you dying
doesn’t mean that you are free
free, i said, that’s not the right word
i know you want to be free, as free as a bird
but the chains that keep you tied down
also keep you down on earth.
what did i possibly find in myself that i yearned so deeply to change?
my eyes were bright and happy,
my smile nothing strange.
but from the depths of darkness,
came the monsters of my mind,
telling me that to be beautiful,
i had to ignore the signs
of brittle hair and an aching heart.

to be beautiful
i had to miss the mornings, days and nights
when hate wasn't setting me alight

i wonder if i could've stopped
the monsters of my mind?
i guess it's a little too late now,
for to them i have resigned.
94 · Aug 29
storage room
mila splawska Aug 29
and when we were in the storage room
of the chain coffee shop where we both worked
and he slipped his hand underneath my skirt
instead of finding smooth supple skin that should’ve coated my thighs
his fingertips touched at least a hundred raised scars and yet
he didn’t think twice
he didn’t avert his soft brown eyes
93 · Jun 2
it wasn't for me
i'll give you my heart, and my soul too
so at least when i go, not all will be blue,
you can pretend im still there,
and remember this, please,
i held on as long as i dared,
and i didn't do it for me.
i wrote this in a pretty dark place but im still here & breathing.
i love you all, don't give up.
there is a storm raging on in my head,
i can breathe and cry, but all i see is red,
i do hate to say this, but i wish i was dead
there, it's only the truth and it's finally been said,
you can yell all you want to, but one thing won't change:
i am breathing while crying, and all i see is red
- there is a storm raging on in my head
keep fighting, you'll get through it
emotions are so fluid, don't act impulsively when you're feeling low
be safe, my heart goes out to you
91 · Jun 2
numb and on fire
the worst feeling isn't sadness
the worst feeling is nothing
if you're sad at least you know that
you're still alive
that you're still human

the worst way to be is to not know how you are
to not be able to sort your thoughts
or put your finger on a specific mood

to feel utter nothingness

is true pain
pain without feeling
numb and on fire
all at once
89 · Jun 2
i know that you're broken
only i am broken too,
i wanted to wade through the shattered pieces with you
and you wanted that
but only
because you thought i'd be good at it
not because you wanted me
but i want(ed) you so much
88 · Jun 2
it's all kind of starting to fall apart again
i built my brick walls and they're starting to crumble
i'm screaming for help but you only hear a mumble
it's all coming back again
the deep dark, the dead cold
i'm inside, in the warmth
but inside is where it's cold
do you still want to help me?
you said you really did
i tried to look for you but you went and hid
do you even know me? can you see my pain?
i think that you're blinded by the never-ending rain
the rain of my tears, the rain of your own
the rain from the sky, the lightning, the thunder
so i'll just say goodbye.
mila splawska Aug 26
if walls could talk they’d tell you
how i change every day
how everything will seem blue
and other days just gray
these walls would tell a story
about the things they’ve seen me do
they’d tell you how i deal with
the world outside my room
they’d hum to you a love song
that i sometimes sing
but then when things go wrong
theyd whisper “she makes her skin sting”
if walls could talk they’d tell you
i’m changing every day
and just because i promise you
that everything’s ok
does not mean that my walls would have the same to say
i. and kissing you didn’t fix any of it but it did make me forget even if it was for just a second. i am so glad that i met someone who touches me like no one has before and when you put your hand in mine i’d ask for nothing more.

ii. we are both broken beyond repair and i don’t expect to fix or be fixed but we can just hold each other here in this forgetful bliss.

iii. in this ever ending kiss.

iv. i cannot get enough of you
79 · Aug 29
a four part story (tw)
mila splawska Aug 29
i. the first time i saw you it was across a crowded room and you were covered in a shroud of thick smoke. not from your own lips but from the lips of those around you. not that you didn’t do drugs, i just didn’t know at the time. and i looked at you and you must have seen something in me, something interesting or maybe a little broken. and you walked over and greeted me and smiled, only i could see stale pain behind your irises. you acted like a god almost, the way you talked and moved. almost like a god, i thought. we talked a little and you put your hand on my shoulder. i wanted to know everything about you.

ii. the second time i saw you the pain in your eyes was fresh and your ****** expression made it apparent. i sat down next to you outside in the school courtyard and i placed my hand down next to yours. you whispered to me about the travels you’d weathered, and how many times you’d almost died. i pretended to believe in wasn't by your own hand, i knew it was. i'd heard the whispers. i saw that behind your facade of strength, intelligence and self-assuredness, you were more broken than i. you placed your hand on top of mine and held it to your heart. i blessed whoever kept it beating.

iii. the third time i saw you, you were still and quiet and cold and looked as though you might cry. your eyes were glazed over and your expression was stiff and, oh right i forgot to mention, you were in a casket and i was in all black.  

iv. my blessing carried no weight and i thought gods couldn't die. i realized a little too late that you were just a boy and i was just naive and you didn't just die, you shattered me too.
79 · Jun 6
you used to be my shade
protecting me from harmful rays
you used to hold me tightly
when the wind blew more than lightly
you taught me how to lay
and do nothing but beg you to stay
your words were pretty, but always shallow
you used to be my shade
and now you are my shadow
i. if i cover my eyes in make-up: black, thick and turned up at the ends, will that make you love me? or should i brush my unruly hair and make myself light and sparkly?

ii. do you want the truth about the streams of black that course through my veins? or should i tell you all about my good deeds, and make myself look awfully sane?

iii. will the forests of thought that produce carbon monoxide because they're so deadly be appealing? or should i plant some regular trees and wash the blood off of my ceilings?

iv. cloak me in colors and masks and clothes and buffers to cover, who i really am from the world before i get in trouble.

v. nobody will want me once they see what really unravels in the depths of my psyche.

vi. some days i doubt that i am human. can you still love me?
mila splawska Aug 29
when you told me i was holy
id laugh and look at you
smiling still you’d hold me
i waited for you to fill
with the dread that always hits them
when they finally realize
that they can’t love a girl who
only wants to die
not just to leave this earth
but to leave the most sinful way of course
and this girl who thought she could go
without any remorse
and now she has to worry
(day and night, night and day)
about the boy who thinks she’s holy

when you told me i was holy
i’d laugh and look at you
“how can you still love me,
when you know what i’m going to do?”
76 · Sep 16
ghost girl
mila splawska Sep 16
i. i look in the mirror and see a ghost of a girl

ii. i’m smiling while dying and darling this ones for you

iii. i am stuck in a perpetual cycle of never enough
i’d blame society or my parents, but i’m at fault just this once

iv. whenever i’m getting better i cut a few valleys
because who would i be if i wasn’t unhappy?

v. the trouble all starts when you no longer know
what you would do without your lack of hope
kind of sad isn’t it? that the one thing that i need
is to know that i can ruin everything
75 · Aug 31
oil spill
mila splawska Aug 31
today i woke up early
and before i could take a single breath
i felt something come over me
it moved a bit like death.

at first it was slow
but it wouldn’t stay still
this poison tainting my soul
then started to fill
the chambers of my heart with blackness
that then snuck out through the valves,
right into my lungs and bloodstream
i knew there was no way out
it thickened as it spread through me
quickened as it went
why wasn't my body built
with smoke alarms and vents?

i think i know how to explain how
it feels to want to die
it starts slowly in a certain place
but before you know it, it's come alive
it's bubbling and racing
running like a river through your blood
and then it finally reaches
your poor, sick and tired lungs
the suffocation isn't pretty
especially when it's a slow attack
and it surely isn't pleasant
to feel your lungs fill with black.
74 · Sep 6
i. the first time we spoke you beat me to every word and had so many intelligent thoughts that i could barely process it. you seemed to have it all i thought: math, english, physics. slowly though i realized that behind all of that, something else was on your mind. it reminded me of myself, of darker, more trying times.

ii. the first time that i touched your skin, it seemed unblemished and untouched by any other devil like me. nobody had yet tattooed you with their misery, or so i believed. i thought i'd be the first to taint you and felt a sense of pride, that i had found the last un- ruined soul and got to keep it as mine.

iii. you invited me into your home and i walked in curious to see where you lived and thought and ate and maybe where you worried. i wasn't prepared to see that you were just as broken as me. scattered on the floor of your room, were shattered cds and razor blades. you tried to hide them, i think maybe you'd forgotten to before i had rang the bell, but i told you i understood your pain and begged you not to lie and say you fell. (i showed you my scars and assured you that yours would one day fade.)

iv. terror overcame me a little as i finally accepted that since you were in the same position as i, i couldn't stay here with you and keep letting you take on fragments of my pain because it was too much for you and i had been so vain, so proud of you, my new possession. (what if my actions lead to your funeral procession?) and i had been so selfish to think that just because you wore a smile and acted careless that it didn't weigh on you when i told you of my hellish little world that fear had built upon my spine.

v. i have destroyed you. i can't believe i ever thought i deserved you to be mine.
don’t get in my car
i will crash it
it’s not that i don’t know how to drive but
the signs get awfully confusing especially with these tears in my eyes and
sometimes i’ll mess up the turns or
drive off the road
i don’t know how to love you right because
i’ve never been loved right before so
get ready for a bumpy ride
i don’t follow traffic laws
especially when it comes to love
don’t get in my car
i will crash it
don’t give me your heart
i will crush it
73 · Sep 15
we are too young
mila splawska Sep 15
we are too young to be this sad, and yet we are
we are too young to be this hopeless, and yet we are
we are too young to feel this worthless, and yet we do
i can't think of anything that is good about
growing up this fast and yet
i want to say that
we are too young to be this in love, and yet we are
im not sure if that's a good thing.
71 · Jun 2
if i said...
if i said i miss you
would you drop your life and just run back?
if i said i'd kiss you
passionately as if you hadn't hung me on a rack
if i said 'i'm sorry'
even though we all know it was your lack
of love to give
would you drop your life and just run back?
i. you’re drifting away but that’s alright because i am melting anyway.

ii. you say you want to know the ups and downs of how i feel but, there’s too much to tell and no way to heal so maybe you should just go now because i don’t want to hold you down.

iii. please spread your wings and remember to fly. you are an angel but i’m not the sky. you deserve better and brighter, something more heavenly and a little bit lighter.

iv. eventually you’ll realize that i’m not enough for you. it’d be better if you could do it earlier, so i can fall in love anew.

v. only to be broken again.

vi. my breaking is not beautiful but it is transformative. i am no longer the same girl as i was when the first one left. maybe i got better after he went.

vii. if you are angel then i am the ground, and i will now fall away.
68 · Aug 28
maybe i’m ok
mila splawska Aug 28
i’m not in a rush to grow up
i’m in a rush to feel different than i feel now
i know they aren’t the same thing
but taking hits and shots
it’s the closest i can get to feeling
like maybe i’m ok
68 · Aug 29
im not laughing
mila splawska Aug 29
we met and everything seemed to make sense.
we met and we clicked and we smiled.
we talked and got to know each other.
you offered me your warmth and stability.
you offered me your sense of humor.
you made me believe you felt like i did.
and then the next day you took it all away.
long phrases to walk into my heart, and none to break it.
you won’t speak to me, or look at me, you probably can’t even bring yourself to think about me.
you decided that i was not important.
but you didn’t tell me about your decision or warn me that you were going to make it.
you just left.
suddenly, like warmth leaves the air when the sun goes down.
it’s kind of funny that somebody who i meant nothing too, meant so much to me.
it’s kind of funny that you shattered me without trying.
it’s kind of funny that you shattered me at all.
and yet,
im not laughing.
mila splawska Sep 10
in high school, us kids are both the educator and the student
with the amount of homework we have, we essentially teach ourselves
and the most important lesson we learn, by ourselves (between the bells)
is how to be ok
(fast forward to) junior year everyone is pining for a spot in AP psych because
maybe then we can learn why
some days we want to die
and other days we're fine
and why that friend we all loved
killed herself slowly over time
so that nobody would notice
pills instead of food and cuts instead of jewelry
and eventually, she cut a little too deeply
and threw back an
extra pill or two and everything all at once
was too much for her poor little body and
as she faded and her skin turned blue
you finally understood that
if you're ever going to be ok then you'll have to study hard
only this time the test is your life,
and i just hope you made a thorough study guide.
64 · Jul 12
rubix cube
mila splawska Jul 12
my heart is like a rubix cube
and you learned all the patterns
you have the power to break or build
- which one will you choose?
mila splawska Sep 13
we all want to save each other
but first we need to save ourselves
how are you going to explain to your mother
that jake's mental health was more important than yours?
how are you going to explain to your sister
that you stayed up all night crying
because you needed to help melissa?
what are you going to say when you're dying?
"oh wait, someone check in with alissa?"
63 · Jul 13
mila splawska Jul 13
you taste the same as chocolate
something like guilt and sadness and ecstasy
i didn’t know i would be addicted the day we met
but oh the way you kiss me
melting into my mouth
like chocolate, my other poisonous shame
- which one will i choose?
comparing cheating and eating chocolate (i’m a recovered anorexic)
63 · Jul 15
mila splawska Jul 15
i was your summer fling
- you have always been my year-long love
61 · Jul 12
mila splawska Jul 12
you leave around mid morning
shoving money into your bag first
your mother sees you running
out the door, you’ve forgotten to quench your thirst  

so you buy an ice cold beer
even though it’s only eleven

you meet friends at the park
where music plays too loud
suddenly you’re covered in a cloud
of smoke, you hide behind your cigarettes
your friends place bets
on which girls who walk by are virgins
soon you see your girlfriend emerging
from the subway, she smiles
but her teeth are grey
already been smoking for three years

you waste the day away
smiling on the outside
but you can feel your soul decay
along with your lungs
another puff of smoke
cigarette number four
you would never ask for more

somehow, you’re fulfilled

- this is all you know, isn’t it?
needs thick editing
60 · Aug 27
i have put you through
mila splawska Aug 27
i don’t know how to say i’m sorry
more than i already have
but i do know that it affects my body
when i think of all the bad
(that i have put you through)
my lungs will seize and quake
my eyes will fill with pools of blue
my ears will ring and crackle
when i think of what i’ve done to you
my pulse will surely quicken
my vision will waver and blur
i just hope you still love me
but i don’t think that’s how this works :(
mila splawska Aug 31
i will burn this house to the ground
because mother is the one who says sorry
who is always soapy and sudsy
while father sits and talks
or watches, but barely ever walks
and momma always tries to make it better
while papa runs around ruffling feathers
and she’ll apologize for all his selfish lies and
the way he yells and screams when things aren’t just right
and this house is ******* suffocating
or maybe i forgot to breathe but
i always thought it better when
i didn’t have to see
the quiet injustice that goes on
inside these hallowed halls
i used to call it home but
now it’s just some walls
i’m better off outside, thank you
so if you need me, that’s where i’ll be found
i will burn this house
right down into the ground
57 · Sep 10
mila splawska Sep 10
i. my bed is still the same bed
my room the same four walls
i am hit with a sheet of dread
as i sit waiting for your call
ii. a call i know is not coming
you chose to go, chose to fall
you chose to go and leave me running
through every word i ever scrawled
on the notes i used to write to you
when we were deep in love
scolding myself, begging, sobbing
is there anything i could've done?
iii. you jumped from a window way up high
and i am helpless, hopeless, hapless
nothing to do
but sit here and cry
and wait and wonder
and beg you to stay even though
you already chose to go
iv. a quick, clandestine escape.
you thought you didn't matter didn't you?
i should've told you before but now
i look to the skies and remind you
that you are beautiful
v. and i know deep down,
that it was not a choice.
57 · Jul 16
mila splawska Jul 16
they gave me a sedative
begged me to “please calm down”
they should use a new method
you can’t cure me at the hospital in town
- heartbreak isn’t your typical illness
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