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there are other girls like me
with debilitating caffeine addictions
and an allergy to calories
to whom feeling “ok” is fiction
whose emotions come only in extremes
soon enough everyone will realize
that i am nothing special
then they’ll leave and fantasize
about loving somebody else
i saw you yesterday
you're beautiful as ever
i wanted to say
i would love you forever
(it would have been a lie)
i did not love you like you needed
it's debatable whether i loved you at all
but i still feel my skin crawl
when you tell me that
you stand with someone else

you've got a special place in my heart
- im not sure you want to be there
a little bit of love
mixed with
a little bit of lust
we were meant for
parking lot make outs
and 3am drives
i lost faith in men the day
my father hit my sister
(its just this once)
i told myself
(it’s not abuse, it’s just his upbringing)
i told myself

i lost faith in men the day
i got catcalled walking home from camp
at 13 years old in shorts and a sweatshirt
(it wasn’t to me)
i told myself
i knew it was

i lost faith in men the day
a friend i had known for
my entire life
and trusted
assaulted me in the back of his moms toyota
(he didn’t realize i didn’t want it)
i told myself
(he doesn’t understand the concept of consent)
i told myself

i lost faith in men
because how can you believe in something when
all it does is strip you of your youth, innocence and joy
how can you stay faithful
when the bible feeds you lies
5d · 73
and if you look hard enough at the photo
you can make out a rainbow in the corner
and in the end
i think that’s what we were
something nice that was
a little too obscured
(please don’t blame me, my dear)
7d · 772
some people find heaven in
a smell, a taste or a sound
i found heaven in
my love
Aug 13 · 261
mila splawska Aug 13
i cant give you what you need
since im too far away
please dont find it elsewhere, see
i will never sway
Aug 12 · 148
mila splawska Aug 12
i see myself in the mirror
and no matter how hard i try
i can not romanticize the terror
that floods my body
not good enough
not thin enough
not pretty enough
the voices scream
i smile
(somebody save me)
Aug 11 · 90
cold showers
mila splawska Aug 11
you’re outside and hot
and dreaming of a freezing shower
you get inside and you can’t remember
you wanted it so much just then
and now not at all
i wonder if that’s what i am to you
a cold shower
that you no longer crave
(just leave me, i'll be fine)
Aug 10 · 135
mila splawska Aug 10
the ecstasy i felt
when your hands ran over my bare skin
was the same as
the ecstasy i felt
when you accepted all my sins
(i think this is how it's supposed to be)
Aug 10 · 269
mila splawska Aug 10
he tried to **** himself
wanted to take his own life
but when i look at him
i really can’t see why
his smile is the only thing
that can bring me peace
his laugh makes my ears ring
his voice convinces my tears to cease
he is the most beautiful thing,
that i have ever seen
if only he'd believe that
it'd help him make it to seventeen
Aug 10 · 100
on this heart of mine
mila splawska Aug 10
you changed my life in no time
and i'll never be the same
i miss you more than i
care to share  
and i want you every day
you are the stars in the night sky
when the rest of the world is dark
i like you, i love you, i need you
you've really left your mark
(on this heart of mine)
Aug 10 · 127
mila splawska Aug 10
how many tears do i have to shed before i die of dehydration?
mila splawska Jul 29
i run purely on coffee and thoughts of you
- i hope you know
Jul 28 · 180
beautiful people
mila splawska Jul 28
all of the most beautiful people i know are
and though they wear their
shatters as
most no longer
it kills me to think of
what they
must have
been through.
all those negotiations with the devil,
it kills me to think
what did they lose?
mila splawska Jul 18
i imagine you kissing her
and i am filled with dread
i imagine you ******* her
and i wish i was dead
Jul 18 · 191
you changed
mila splawska Jul 18
you changed
i no longer know how to love you
Jul 18 · 172
the smell of you
mila splawska Jul 18
the smell of you lingers
but only for so long
i wish it’d stay forever

                                  it’s gone
Jul 18 · 217
i am weak for you
mila splawska Jul 18
i want you
i need you
your messy cigarette- smelling hair
your aura, the way you just don’t care
the dark, thick clothes you wear
the drinks you down when you feel you belong nowhere

maybe it’s because i think i can save you?
even though i know i won’t ever be able to change you

you’re dangerous, a little lethal
and i am weak for you
Jul 17 · 103
23 seconds
mila splawska Jul 17
and in those 23 seconds
i could not breath or think or speak
astounded with my inability to be
ok without you
i’m suspended in time
trying to change reality
you left me
and i have no more words for you
except to say
i imagined fashioning my pain into some sort of weapon
but only for those 23 seconds
and then i recalled that
i still love you
and i could never hurt you
oh but how i want to
Jul 16 · 45
mila splawska Jul 16
they gave me a sedative
begged me to “please calm down”
they should use a new method
you can’t cure me at the hospital in town
- heartbreak isn’t your typical illness
Jul 16 · 361
fight or flight
mila splawska Jul 16
“she slept at his last night”
i can’t deal with the feeling
that fills even
my fingertips with pangs of pain  
fight or flight?

“oh ok”

i choose neither, there’s nothing i can do
Jul 16 · 41
mila splawska Jul 16
it feels a little less like jealousy
and a lot more like defeat
i don’t why i thought
that you would choose me
Jul 15 · 47
mila splawska Jul 15
i was your summer fling
- you have always been my year-long love
Jul 13 · 29
the weather app lied
mila splawska Jul 13
i wanted to kiss you in the rain
it seems the best way to wash away pain
i checked the forecast, it said it would pour
we were supposed to meet at the park at half-past four
the sun shone all day
the weather app lied
- it’s not like you showed up anyway
Jul 13 · 33
mila splawska Jul 13
you taste the same as chocolate
something like guilt and sadness and ecstasy
i didn’t know i would be addicted the day we met
but oh the way you kiss me
melting into my mouth
like chocolate, my other poisonous shame
- which one will i choose?
comparing cheating and eating chocolate (i’m a recovered anorexic)
Jul 12 · 43
mila splawska Jul 12
you leave around mid morning
shoving money into your bag first
your mother sees you running
out the door, you’ve forgotten to quench your thirst  

so you buy an ice cold beer
even though it’s only eleven

you meet friends at the park
where music plays too loud
suddenly you’re covered in a cloud
of smoke, you hide behind your cigarettes
your friends place bets
on which girls who walk by are virgins
soon you see your girlfriend emerging
from the subway, she smiles
but her teeth are grey
already been smoking for three years

you waste the day away
smiling on the outside
but you can feel your soul decay
along with your lungs
another puff of smoke
cigarette number four
you would never ask for more

somehow, you’re fulfilled

- this is all you know, isn’t it?
needs thick editing
Jul 12 · 35
empty feeling
mila splawska Jul 12
i hate this feeling of losing something that i never had
- you were always hers, i should have known
Jul 12 · 50
rubix cube
mila splawska Jul 12
my heart is like a rubix cube
and you learned all the patterns
you have the power to break or build
- which one will you choose?
Jul 12 · 35
it all tastes the same
mila splawska Jul 12
how stupid i was to think it would be a privilege to get my heart broken by you
- all heartbreak tastes the same
(something like hate and remorse and emptiness)
Jul 12 · 503
mila splawska Jul 12
i knew you did graffiti
i guess i didn’t know how much
that is until you left me
and there were marks all over my heart
Jul 12 · 48
mila splawska Jul 12
i want to tell her how you touched me
show her every patch of skin your hands graced
but you’ll just lie and say there was no ‘we’
and you have no idea my taste
but your lips were pressed against mine
and you acted as though you meant it
i should've read between the lines
i will never be missed
even though i think i must
i was once wanted
but it was shallow lust
- i was blissfully unaware of how little i mattered, you’ve already run back to her
Jul 12 · 35
fuck you
mila splawska Jul 12
one day, you’re going to be sitting at your kitchen table, drinking your second morning coffee while sun streams in through the window. and on your third or fifth or maybe seventh sip, it’s going to hit you like a train. everything you’ve lost. all the memories we could’ve made.
if you want to, leave.
but don’t you dare call me at nine a.m. on my favorite day of the week, hyperventilating while you sob into your mug, to tell me how much you need me.
- don’t you dare. hear me?
Jul 12 · 294
precious metals
mila splawska Jul 12
you always said it was as though
gold dripped from
my lips
my eyes
were laced with silver
i guess you found
something more valuable than
precious metals
- i was not enough for you
mila splawska Jul 12
i don’t know how to get rid of the sensation of your hand in mine.
how do you throw up the way someone made you feel?
Jul 11 · 153
pt 1 cloying
mila splawska Jul 11
your fingers
          like straight sugar
                      felt good at first
                                but the taste lingers
                                         a little bit to long
                                                  you do not realize you
                                                         are doing something wrong
i fall so sick
       a little too sweet
             - i never said
you could touch me
Jul 8 · 124
i stand in awe
of my ability to break others
i have broken my every law
and left so many rubbles
i have begged, as you did me, stay
i myself have been broken
knawed at, eaten away
from a fairytale, you were woken
- by my frozen fingers
Jul 8 · 148
i am ill
i am physically ill at the thought of hurting you
- i was too scared to love you
Jul 8 · 62
i fucked up again
my hands were not fit to hold your heart
- and for that, i will never be done saying sorry
i told him my head was heavy
i couldn’t think, my legs shook
i told him i wasn’t ready
his lips on mine, i couldn’t look
his hands roamed under my shirt
he bit my lower lip, pain radiated
i was as meaningless as dirt
his hands on my thighs, his hunger still not satiated
he tried to slip his fingers into my pants
i pulled away, pushing him into the seat
and moving over i said “i can’t”
“why?” he asked, “i’m feeling the heat.”
i layed quietly, hands shaking still
he came over, climbing on top of me
“i’m going to leave,” i said, “i will”
“why?” he wondered, “just wait and see.”
i tried to sit up, but his weight was too much
he slipped his hand down again, this time over the fabric
i set my hands down as a crutch, tried to push myself up
my stomach turning, my whole body sick
i tried to fight it and yet i couldn’t
what if he decided he no longer liked me?
i wanted to leave but felt as though i shouldn’t
what if he yelled or hit me?
i was too afraid to go, for what if i lost his approval? why did i need it though? if all he wanted was removal?
of my pants and my shirt and maybe my soul too?
why not just throw that in there, to be sure i was through?
wrote  this   some.  time ago
Jun 21 · 50
sick and tired
mila splawska Jun 21
sick and tired of being the way you want me to be
sick and tired of being blonde and skinny
i'm sick and tired of being your apologetic little doll
i’m sick and ******* tired of being
wrote this a while ago
idek man
i’ll edit it to sound better but bear w me
Jun 21 · 107
no matter what
mila splawska Jun 21
people always say they’ll love me no matter what and then they always leave
i know you’ll end up leaving too
but please assure me,
no matter what
i still need to hear those words
no matter how much it will later burn
lie to me,
you(‘ll) owe me that.
Jun 17 · 120
no cap
mila splawska Jun 17
your mouth is just a canvas for your lies
your hands just vessels to commit your crimes
and i was just a waste of your time
Jun 17 · 34
a young girl sits
mila splawska Jun 17
a young girl sits
a sad look on her face
a broken heart under a charred chest
the air sits still around her
her frozen skin
she isn’t moving
silent voices urge her to move on
a single tear thaws her cheek
she opens her mouth to speak
no sound comes out
her eyes close
her face crumbles
she is about to breath her final breath
something stirs inside of her
her heart begins to beat again
a steady breath comes back
she looks down
a hand is holding hers
a pair of deep brown eyes look up
she is alive
because anything is possible when there is love.
Jun 17 · 129
the woman of riddles
mila splawska Jun 17
i’ll be ok
if i just stay here,
i can stop the tears
i won’t move, i won’t stand
please don’t offer me your hand
i cant take it right now
i am in the middle
of an important battle
with the woman of riddles  
i can hear her rattle
inside my maze of a mind
right now i am breathing  
but she isn’t always so kind
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