Back at it again
Playing games in my own head
My own worst enemy
I can't just leave me be
But the drugs ran out
And the dreams are back

The dreams are back again
And i can not get my life back
The only escape from life
Without death is sleep
And you've taken that away from me
I subscribe to the notion of taking care of me
Just not in this reality

I miss you Brandon my first death that really hit me
It'll be five years in October since you left me
Alone in a world were you had a plan had it all figured out
I didn't know what I wanted to do, yet god took me away from you
You had the future in your hand I remember you sitting with our teaching devising a plan
Working and doing school 4 years til grad
What college and what course now just a buried corpse
Didn't shed a tear at your burial, but every year after you memorial I cry thinking of what could be
You were doing good in college unlike me
Barely struggling to find a degree
I remember late September you took a break to come visit me
Smoking **** and watching TV you said you believed in me
I was failing a college, the one where you wanted to be
Working your *** off while I fail my random degree
Serving tables to make the loans appease, never needed either not for me
Incredibly blessed by my parents and your presence
All your effort and yet god took you away from me
Didn't know I had all this de-welled up in me, fiver years later i can write it to be free
Brandon R**n you were a treat I'm so glad we could meet become good friends until that semi took a piece of me
Finally meet your girlfriend can't believe we lost her
The two of you were meant to be I’m sure
Good men die too early
So I guess you were no different really
But surely you had more to give us here on earth
Losing you has been the worse

Think about you the whole month of October

curse birds and their ability to fly
a life always on the move

they look down from up high
and im not saying this to be rude

but i want constant motion
even just a little

its a relentless devotion
that's stupidly trivial

and i need constant motion
maybe more than a little

its my relentless devotion
that's positively quizzical

not one to stop
not one to have it figured out

noelle walks in

I joined my fathers fraternity
So I could gain some masculinity
Wanted to get more things in common
Instead of it being just men

Dead end is the sign above my head
Spending days high in bed
Dead end is my career
Success is my greatest fear
Dad end Dead end

I picked up guitar
So dad and I wouldn't be as far
Is it obvious I want to impress him
He taught me everything and then some

Dead end is the sign above my head
Spending days high in bed
Dead end is my career
Success is my greatest fear
Dad end Dead end

I'm sick of being watched
And I'm sick of getting sloshed
Every single day they just wanna drink and play
It takes my pain away, but **** dad is this the way

I joined my fathers fraternity
So i could gain some masculinity
Wanted to get more things in common
Instead of just being men

Dead end is the sign above my head
Spending days high in bed
Dead end is my career
Success is my greatest fear
Dead end Dead end

I picked up guitar
So dad and i wouldn't be as far
Is it obvious i want to impress him
He taught me everything and then some

Dead end is the sign above my head
Spending days high in bed
Dead end is my career
Success is my greatest fear
Dead end Dead end

I'm sick of being watched
And I'm sick of getting sloshed
Every single day they just wanna drink and play
It takes my pain away, but **** dad is this the way

I need a full body cast to amend my past
Keeps me from taking my own life
Suicide felt like the only way to make it right
It's been 2 years I still feel gone
23 should have never seen past 21
It's just a game, something I didn't want to play
Following through would have made everything okay
It wouldn't really have, I shouldn't have lied
It would leave behind a huge mess
And I would be dead still feeling regret
I need a full body cast to amend my past

no one cares what you do on your last day on earth
except everyone else left behind to carry the hurt

im not saying its a free pass to do evil
i only wish to do good onto people

so is passing away bittersweet?
happy for me and sad for thee?

or is that why we celebrate
we all knew along the way
that this was fate

each one is different
just a shade of memories

i cannot be insensitive
some are taken entirely to early

so does anyone truly care
what you do on your last day on earth?

embracing the next step of the cycle
as you enter a new birth

while everyone else is left
behind to carry the hurt

and im not saying its a free pass to do evil
i only want to do good unto people.

just something ive come to think on
as i drive through Kentucky feeling withdrawn

i just want one person to hold
i never give up and give over control

i cant stand to touch another unless its you
i dont want a hug from anyone but you

cause i cant stand the touch of anyone else
and when i hold you i feel full of myself

people fade so fast
i just want your face to last

i just want you to be my person
the only one i touch and open up to

please dont fade so fast
becoming a ghost of my past

I measure each year as it goes
by how much I can tell my grandmother
did I learn a lot
did I change
did I fall
she'll want to hear it all
this year's no different been a good one with a lot to tell
but my grandmother slipped and fell
now I got no one to share the stories of me and my love affairs
this year was a lot
learned a language
change locations
picked up a girl
I swear grandma this year's been a whirl
changed so much only getting better
coming home to tell you is the only thing that matters
I'll never truly change I'll always be your grandson

Sad and stubborn is a bad combination
I need some pain and medication
I feel to much, I'm too sensitive
My parents could they ever forgive
**** all my friends real, paid, or digital
Sometimes I feel too visible
But most of the time I'm miserable
Two things I'll always be unoriginal and unforgivable
My stupid hair is my only quality
Ill shave it all off just for the equality
My mind is cluttered
I always end up **** hurt
Shifting blame to myself
I need to learn to ask for help
But being sad and stubborn
Will surely make me suffer

born and raised in farmland indiana
lived there back when i believed in santa
later i moved to ohio
where i spent my teens going ******
finally dad moved us to big texas
where i would come to meet all my exes
after college ill move some place
far away from this disgrace
never had a problem with who i was
but i guess in texas they have different laws

they say
you cant say youre from indiana
you dont represent farmer americana
you cant say youre from ohio
thatd be like accepting a typo
well you definitely arent one of us
cause you dont like to talk on the bus
or in the grocery store
you think southern hospitality fun to ignore?
its hard to understand who i am
so i go back home to my fam
they talk to me they tell me
that every where has welcomed me
dont be discouraged, your one of us
even if you dont talk on the bus

so my texas friends and i keep traveling
searching for my answer, try unraveling
land in china and the people are so fine
they compliment my face and praise divine
they ask where im from in america
and blank goes my rentina
standing before my texas friends
my mind weighs the odds and ends
the logistics of where i belong
is this where i make my stand, sing my song
or alas just keep quiet and move along
say some answer and move on

no i thought i need this
a fight to be free of this
to understand my identity
i have to sacrifice a deep part of me
not going to compromise
no need to lie and disguise
the problems with my identity deep inside

im from indiana i say
immediately im meet with distaste
now suddenly in a different country, they want me?
saying ive been in texas for a while thats you now baby
but i dont understand
thats not where i stand or on brand
i just dont understand
im not just some texas ranch hand

i dont belong anywhere
i am my own ill clear the air
i just belong to me
was that so hard to believe?
i go home and they say im not from home
i go aboard like thatll be my new home

You called me at 2 a.m. to ask if I was in bed
you knew the answer but you went ahead
and asked about my day
and if I missed your face
I was stirred awake by your call
not answering what i felt like breaking the law
baby girl I'm sorry I hurt you
I didn't mean to do your wrong
it's just i haven't been seeing you too long
and I'm starting to lose focus
just spending the night together
just us we slip into conversation
and I don't need to worry about the dedication
needed to pay attention
wish you were in my city
girl come get your affection
it needs collecting

i dont have anything to write about
so instead ill dream something where i shout
get the anger needed to record
doing drugs like jordan belfort

drops my worries and cares
makes me feel like im getting somewhere
music is complicated and hard
just wanted to make some audio art

mixing little bit of art and math
dont forget to add in emotions to the bath
relaxed and sitting in now
music doesnt make me doubt

swimming through the bath
wanting to make art last
put the work aside from me
let it be judged freely

art gets what it wants
cant believe how bad i was once
lot of room to grow
cant wait to see my future shows

got a lot of work to do a head of me
first of all i got to finish this degree
then the grind for creative satisfaction
gotta say goodbye to the distractions

got to many vices currently
cant tell if they are destroying me
everyone i know who smokes
is reduced down to half the bloke

stronger without it weak with
a week with, and im not ******
i want to die in china of old age
rather than shot in this gun cage

its really hard to compare the two
two completely different people groups
doing the same thing as the other
but one gets entitled, hot, and bothered

theyll **** each other at the end of the story
and its the end of the story
and i dont know if i was talking about
america or china in their nuclear fallout

jordan, drugs, and, i
or my struggle with the artists eye
making music like a bath
the combination of art and math

thats it.
was it worth it.

trying to think how im already ****** up
its just been one jim bean shot, whats up?

its just im working non stop no retreat
thinking back some days ago when i got some sleep

oh yea i aint eat but the one meal 3 days prior
and my sleep schedule is out of work needs to be hired

cause i clocked 4 hours just 3 days ago
back when i was clutching a pillow feeling alone

so desperate for it to work
maybe ill put in the work

and work is all i know
working til i pass out on the floor

missing exactly what
i was up the night before

working for

I don’t know how to say
But I gotta be honest about the other day
Last night I had a hook up,
and I know I’ve been seeing you for a month now
So it’s probably about time you leave
It’s not a lie, it’s not you it’s me
Look I like you, but I got needs
And they hadn’t been getting met recently

Honestly, didn’t mean to be a mickey
Throw it all away cause I’m sickening
Disgust myself I need a new awakening
Cause I’m fake, and lie all the time
It’s the same thing every single night
I **** it all up every single time
Why?

But then again
We are just friends

ya i say im mediating
but what a stranger would say

as they walk passing bi
was they were reading a book or two

and i couldnt exactly see what or by who
some little green book and a coffee too

the stranger is right and i read on
its secrets ancient and i hope to sip on

tapping into knowledge only the old knew

ya i say im mediating
and well a whole lot of contemplating too

about what was said last night
sometimes i wish i didnt speak

maybe thats why im reading the greeks
to understand the abstracts in life

and all the in between moments
deconstructing the greater design

anyways thanks for mediating with me
old poets

So
Just
Like
That
You’ll drop me on everything
Well I’ve changed
And you’ll always stay the same

I changed too much
I’m not the same
I never change
Same **** name

But you still had to let me know
Drop me off, let me go
I’ll swear I’ll change
You’ll never know
You’ll never see the new me show

So
Just
Like
That
Things will change
You’ll complain
And I’ll go right back to me again

I changed too much
I’m not the same
I never change
Same **** name

You were always one to complain
Girl why cant you mellow out and stay
I can’t win with you around
So I'll leave without a sound
Cause

I changed too much
I’m not the same
I never change
Same **** name

HELLO
My 80 pages, 100+ poems have been self published and printed. If you want a FREE Copy email me at wxtrebor@gmail.com w a mailing address.

sleeping in til nine
put contacts in the wrong eye
outside getting rained in
listeing to micheal cera palin

different cold the wet and dark
the body and soul drift apart
coworker said "running late"
no need to worry, there is no hate

o how happy i am again
o so happy my friends
im doing just fine
on my daily grind

feeling out my insides
there's been a lot to realize
just trying to figure this soul out
acting like a **** fool, no doubt

always check the left
never been right i guess
born not normal in the right place
been left to find out, im a disgrace

all because my hands are southpaw
it's become my greatest flaw
not something i can change
not something i want to change

another day of taking my coffee
and making my breakfast

making sure to close the door softly
i sit down to reflect at long last

so much going on
am i ahead of behind
i dont know

picked up the pen to write
for the third time this week

thought it was all alright
but then i was unable to speak

sat alone for fifteen minutes
i wrote nothing down the entire time

clean up my mess walk inside diminished
it hurts when i cant read my mind

or eat my food
the breakfast was untouched

another thing i cant do
oh
what am i to do

lately i feel like my life is going by crazy fast
feels like im strapped to a semi heading to a crash
gaining speed rapidly driving towards the wall
this is where my life shatters and apart it falls

armando said well talk about this later
so i hid 3 days straight
thought i didnt need a mediator
so i didnt dictate

the problems i was hiding
staying scared in my hole
i always had a hard time inviting
was never good at crowd control

im scared cause im walking where ive never been before
everything is panicking on the inside
but im not heading for the door
the stride is brisk and we're both gasping for air

it's not a race we're in it together
now were sprinting like the hair
maybe it's for the better
you have legs for days or so you say
im keeing up but just bare
lay

the pace settles as i get runners high
finally hitting my stride
wondering where have you been all my life
walking together we'll never collide

It’s been a month now and my personality is busting at the seems
I’m falling apart and this is where I start to lose you I think
It’s so rob so very classic rob
Why can’t he stop
He can’t hold it together
I don’t think he’s getting better
She’s got super human eyes
She can see right through my guise
We have been hanging out having a fun time
But I don’t think she wants to be mine
And it happens every time
I’ll freak out and lose my mind
Have to say everything’s fine
Even though I’m dying on the inside
Hope my homies ain’t catch me crying
Cause I’d be lying if I told them everything was just alright

New classes with new projects got me thinking about jobs and future prospects
I never dreamt I'd get this far feels just like getting out to push a car
at first it's a slow start pushing hard with all my heart
now that we are rolling I feel in control
and that's been the scariest part
for me to take charge of my art
can't let meaning slip away
like a lost cat gone a stray
can't let meaning slip away
burn die or fade
the meaning must
stay the same

Stomach rumble
Inside shuffle
Hungry again
Calories for lend
Didn't I just eat
Why the constant repeat
Don't wanna stay alive
Kamikaze surprise

Stomach rumble
This time it's trouble
Gone to long
Foods not fond
Endless appetite
Just end my life
Consume me for once
Dishonest trust

Got notification, them ***** go straight to my phone
Didn't mean to bother you thought you wanted to be alone
I meant it when I said I wanted you in my life
But in between I met someone who’s been so nice
She's the better me and that's something I strive to be
Like calm down it's not about you now
With this new girl, and she don't make me doubt
******* and your twitter cry-outs and clout
I wasn't playing when I was saying
I think this new one is worth saving

need to be more present
feels like im always escaping
dont want to grow up resenting
the person in the making

paying attention to the second
dont you ever miss it
im always caught guessing
time to commit then

puppy love i dont know how to feel
digging up new emotions
i know now this is real
no longer broken

but schedule me in
ill be in the waiting room
i cant believe you let me in
usually im left to assume