It was a black dress
and a $12 glass of white wine
that I later beamed to pay for

Sitting at the bar
alone
I got to see you first
I saw you without me
I could not wait
to change that

Tell me
let me tell you
pizza and salad
a conversation
that needed nothing
lingered in moments
and made me love you

Tiramisu and coffee
I should have kissed you
in the stairwell
of that restaurant
basement

“Come home with me?”
“ok.”
the train station
“I can’t.”

“Can I hug you?”
you asked
don’t leave
you left.

a flight back home
away from you
and that hug
and that hope
It was a black dress
a $12 glass of wine
a night
one night
that I was yours
Such short and simple words to hide a long enduring pain
born out of romanticizing
handing your heart
to a perfect stranger

trust me
they’re never perfect

What a gift to be half crazy.
High functioning,
they like to say.
How flattering to be told
I hide it well.

“It seems you are quite bright.”
Why thank you doctor dear.
I’ll revel in your
in your homage
while I drink.

How ‘bout this,
write me a list,
sane people of the world.
A definition
of who exactly
deserves your help.

Internal wounds,
please breach the surface.
Don’t make me dig for you.
I’ll never find
the proof I need
to show I’m worthy.

Have you ever self-destructed?
Said **** it to the world.
Left logic
locked away
until tomorrow.

Have you ever given up?
Thrown a tantrum
about your life.
Left gratitude
to grovel
at the door.

Have you ever realized later,
how blinding self-hate is?
How easily it tricks you
into believing,

you’re not worth
the love you’re given,
you have no love to give.
No wonder
you stay in bed
to ease the pain.

But trust me
I’ve laid in darkness,
wallowing in despair,
tried to warm,
my freezing heart
with heaps of blankets.

But I’ve learned
time and again,
when I emerge
from shifting shadows,
life is waiting
ever patient
as I learn,

how to see myself through eyes
with compassion
for healing wounds,
trusting
my beating heart
says I’m enough.

First
my neckbones decayed
from lack of use
but I didn’t mind
if my head could lay
blissfully in your lap
forever

Then
you melted away
leaving my mind
to rot in mud
squishy
like the texture
of dependence

Now
I will grow new bones
in a garden long neglected
teeming with life
just waiting for light
once buried
out of fear
I might **** it

Overtime
I will bloom
with a new sense of self
aware
of my prolific potential
with head held high
by homegrown bones
I will never let die again

Something inside
wears a devilish smirk,
mocking my healthy living.

It’s seen this cycle
many times before,
but life’s not that forgiving.

Smiling because
it knows my truth
whispering in my ear,

your pleasure lies
in pain my friend,
this act is insincere.

Get up early,
eat an apple,
run a mile or two.

Unless you wipe
me off your heart
self-worth will not accrue.

You don’t believe,
not yet I know,
from here it’s plain to see.

Because I am doubt,
the thing that shouts,
you’re destined for misery.

Then, out of nowhere,
I sat up in the dark
and started to sing
soft notes unnamed
giving and taking
just enough air
to reverberate
my heart
and muster
my soul
until silently singing
I headed for the door.

I wish people revolved around me
like the moon around the Earth
so that I might plan
for the tides.
Instead,
people swarm
wielding an erratic force
tugging in all directions
shifting my focus
in and out
pulling my confidence
back and forth
forcing reality
to ebb and flow
as if the gravity
of my sanity
were not enough
to hold it solidly
in place.

Reality should be the mountains
not the sea.
Tell me,
how do I freeze the oceans
without killing all the life?