Why do you Cause me so much pain
Why do I feel so drained

Why do you cause me so much angry energy
Will I ever be plenary

Why are you so mentally abusive
Is it because it causes me to be intrusive

Why do you blame me for all of the mishaps
Is it because you want to bust my kneecaps

When will you be satisfied
Will it be when I become fossilized

Why do you pretend to love me
Is it because I am off key

I have a longing to meet someone whom I've never met before
I will miss her
Even though i've never met her
Which is so confusing
Because I've grown so attached to her
Over video calls and text messages
Midnight confessions and our little fan girl obsessions
I miss her
Even though I have only known her months
I feel as though I have known her my whole life
Even though an ocean separates us
I feel as though she is right next to me
Even though we only speak through phone calls and texts
I feel like she is my best friend

Guns scatter in my head,
They leave acknowledging that there is nothing left,
No ability to move on,
No reason to keep going,
They'll tell me that the guns will **** me,
I love the guns in my head,
They poison my mind with lead and destroy my thoughts,
But they keep on leaving,
Why do my saviours leave when I need them the most,
I'm going to bed,
The guns, pencils, razors, lighters, paper, glass, metal and knives have been locked away,
Out of reach of my infected mind,
I know how to get them,
I locked them up myself,
I beg for the guns to come back and fill my head with their bullets,
As I scream from the thought of unlocking the things,
Where are the guns,
No where,
No one can save me now,
I get out of my bed,
Unlock all my drawers and make a stage worthy event,
I prop a camera and start recording how I'm going to **** my infection inside my head.

Speaking of broken hearts
and mended fenced in mem'ries  
I am painting skies
of tangerine, saffron
& an illuminated lilac hue
against the starkly contrasted crisp cornflower blue, stretching canvas that is
along with all the
other blindingly beautiful colors of a twilight sky

And those dripping cotton candy stratospheric clouds
Ice crystals freezing into supercooled
water droplets
Streaking the sky in cirrus whispers
..I hear them whisper, "hello"...

Blinding beauty
through unadulterated sunlight
I am fleeced like a lamb
watching in awe,
..in wonder
then stomping sounds
of coming thunder,

Finding depth and height
out  in the stratosphere
Blinded by the
After Light
or afterglow
affected by the amount of haze
I'm in a daze
...as I am reaching

High above the fading light
of a brilliant early fall sunset
I take a big breath
of that sumptuous air
and twirl my skirted legs
my painted toes
where I know
I am back
to solid ground

Appreciating the last time
I say sleep well
to you  my dear
summertimes sweet mem'ries
and the fun we had this year.

Cherie Nolan © 2016