i'm still in love with a boy
born in the hottest days of summer
with hair as wild as the winds of the north.

the boy with a heart of gold
and the soul of a small child.

the boy who could probably be a time traveller
in his next life,
just inches away from the galaxies
of his imagination.

that day in the shallow waters
when you waded in further,
you looked back
as if you knew my eyes were transfixed purely on you
(without a doubt)
and flashed your famous cheeky grin.
and as we continued to wade,
you told me to run
and i had but a split second
before your hands were gripping mine,
trying to wrestle me
and my mind went blank
and all i could see
was you,
my entire universe for just that moment
was made up of you
and i never want it to end.

time flows in a strange way when you're in the water.

love,
not a word to be thrown around
from the trauma of the past.

love,
is love watching behind the crack of a door
the people you look up to
screaming and crying in each other's faces,
with bruises on their arms
and a crooked smile
mixed with a drop of tension in the air
the next morning?

love,
is it being brought to a white room
with a stranger and a chair and a few toys
asking you questions
7 year olds shouldn't have to answer?

love,
is it having limited time with a parent?

love,
is it watching helplessly in almost slow motion
your father smack your mother across the back
with your school bag as
your leg decides to cramp up
and your grandparents scream?

love,
is it that boy that smiled brightly at you
every week and came out to your house
in the middle of the night
but then snatched your heart away
in broad daylight then scattered it into the sky?

love,
is it the other boy who professed his love,
only to jump to another
as soon as the wind changed direction?

love,
is it the boy who you laugh with everyday
and share a million memories with
and then watch him as he
fades into the background?

or is love
the word that rhymes with the dove,
a symbol of peace?
peace,
peace with myself perhaps.

i've had a bad week.

the violent fall out
mixed with the creeping knowledge
of a dreadful situation
spelled doom for me.

a field day for my emotions,
who were like children in a park,
running wild and
desperately chasing each other
or other things until one day,
they all fell down.

i was found,
curled up and limp on the hard wood floor.
tears were streaking down my cheeks,
feeling like acid rolling down my face.
tears filled with rage, frustration
and sadness feel like that don't they?

and as i watched and observed from the side lines,
i see your eyes,
and i know now
that the wait is over.

i
move
now.

i am in a room of my own.
a solitary confinement of
my own will, or
perhaps not?

there are a few doors
around this room.
the soft noise of mild chatter
emits from them.
yet,
i sit alone. in my room.

i am feeling
r e s t l e s s.

i open a door and i
see my friends round a table,
chit-chatting idly.
they laugh and welcome me
to the table.
today, i say a salutation
and shut the door behind me.

i do the same with the rest.

i walk back to the middle of the my room.

i start to c
                  r
                    y.

i fell in love with
the idea of you.

your dark, messy
unkempt hair.
your black eyes that
curve into
crescent moons
and are guarded behind glass.
your endearing laugh,
your unusual talents
and fearlessness.

but perhaps if i
peeled back the
layers of secrecy and humour,
your front,
i'd find a
vulnerable you,
a lost and afraid little child.
maybe that's why
i'll only fall for
the idea of you, and not you.

maybe i'm only in love with the
train rides and
inside jokes and
candid moments unseen by you but
ingrained forever in my mind.
those little quirks that are so you yet,
not.

and if you ever knew this,
you'd combust into a million pieces.
you'd fall into the deep abyss of
uncertainty, curiosity
and the world around you
would get even more crazy.

but i can't seem to let you go,
you're a burning field i'd want to lie in still.
right now,
you're the adrenaline in my body.
it's like you're pulling me into the depths
yet pulling me out
and i don't know who is stronger.

you type:
call me
and it almost always sounds like
you're choking
on the hauntings of the day.

my heart is racing,
heavy breathing
as i punch in your
number and i
still get startled when
it starts to ring.

but once you utter: hello,
everything falls apart
and time slows
and the world stops turning
for that split second.
for that one moment,
your shaky hello
tells me so much more
than you have ever said to me
when others are with us.

you become my everything.

but then when the call ends,
and you whisper a goodbye,
the thoughts start to fill me up again
and i start to miss you almost immediately.
in that one hour,
you have made me forget
all that was sad and wrong in my life.
when you go to sleep,
i just want to die.