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Bad decisions but fun times
So does that really make it a crime?
I'm ambling but I think it is okay
I just am done getting used day after day

When mean vibes attack
You feel like you have to fight back
It is too late to fight the problem
So I took it out on another him

They are not all the same
Thus they are not all to blame
Bad decisions but were the times really fun?
No, not when you hurt someone
It starts at my toes
And crawls up to my heels
It lingers
As a warning
And then slowly climbs the rest of my body
Inch by inch
Until a shiver engulfs me
Into a cold but comforting hug

Brisk night air
A river rushing in the distance
Beauty in the darkness
Open
Inviting
Absolutely whole.
bean hollow
Bean hollow
Thank you thee
For all the fantastic memories
From post fairy store dates
to when I grew up and had adventures
At your front doorstep
Thanks bean hollow
For the times that we shared
Not only with Tomás
But for my other friends and yeah
I appreciate you
And love everything too
the first day
a small ache in the left corner of my heart
It goes away
suddenly a smell, a picture, a song
triggers emotions in me
regrets, everything that went wrong
It has captured that tiny breathe of air
what were happy memories infest me with sadness
my heart writhes in despair

the Past torments me every day
It attempts to eat me alive from the inside out
starting at the heart
finishing with the mind
that's what happens when you follow your mind and not your heart
i'm consumed. It screams at me
DID YOU CHOOSE CORRECTLY?
i whisper "i don't know"
the ever prevalent thoughts of a girl who moved across the country to go to school a thousand miles away from friends and family
A silver lining for your entire life
A cocoon sheltered from burdens
Routine, happiness, health
No worries at all - wealth

And what if they told you
This bubble will never pop
Unless broken by the entrapped

Do you live as is
Confined, but fine
Or choose a different path

Stay in forever
Work, play, marry love

Run away
Travel, impact, change  

Do I break out
Shout

Am I free?
Do I want to be?

I feel trapped right now
There is something calm about watching the stars
Each light quivers, as if to whisper directly to the heart
"It's okay" it says "I am here for you"
And at that moment everything seems right
With each inhale the world feels more interconnected than ever
Followed by an exhale that releases infinite gratitude for the moment
For at some point we all are a miniature entity
Heavy on the ground, enveloped by the stars
It used to be I had someone
All hours of the night
And now I'm wanting to talk and talk
But there is no one in sight
And I wish you didn't hate me
And I wish we were still friends
And I hate that you were right
That when you end it, it really ends
Now the clock is close to two
And usually I would just call you
But
I
Cannot
The calm makes me feel chaos and the chaos makes me calm
all was well at home though my mind was a hazy day
yet here, a place known for traffic and disarray
Is the place where anxious thoughts do not sneak in
is the mayhem mitigating my anxiety and fears
or are they just late to the show
will they hide for the first week but continue to fester and grow
until
meltdown
or will i finally be able to look in the mirror
be truly happy with what i see
be truly okay with me.
india
Cigarette smoke lingers in her mouth as she reaches for a glass of red wine

Sweat beads fall down Her faded sari as She forms countless chapathi

she lounges
She works
experiences and observations
My feet are barefoot in the Hindu temple dating back to the 15th century.

My feet are barefoot in the Catholic chapel adorned with bright neon Christmas lights.

My feet are barefoot on the lush green lawn at ISI.

My feet are barefoot on the roof as they enjoy practicing yoga to the evening sunset.

When I get to my room and I take my shoes off, my feet are barefoot once again.
Home is where You are
So i can never go home again
it's the breathe being slowly drawn out of me
it's the tears choking my face with sadness
nothing will ever be the same
because Home is where You are
and i can never go home again
Can you live your truth?
How envious I am of those
Who are transparent
And content
Who can just be.

Heavy clouds churn in my head
All of my truths form together
I can’t handle it
I can’t accept it

I hate who I am
I'm sad because a whole school year has gone by
and i still miss you

I'm sad because this summer will never be the same
it never could have been the same
as last

I'm sad because I want to make this right but there is nothing  I can do
helplessness at it's finest

I'm not just sad because, I was sad when I left, sad during, and sad now

Sadness is a tough feeling
it creeps up on you at random times of the day
and attacks
I think why it's tough
Is because my memories with you are more than vivid enough
It's like last summer was yesterday
And then I remember moving and I remember college and it becomes so far away
I look at the bucket list and it all seems fake
The picnics, arepas, bean hollow,strip PKs.. even our time in the Michigan lakes

I hang with other people and am truly having so much fun
It's just that there is something gnawing at my heart telling me I'm missing someone

Time passed and I thought I missed the idea of you
But now I'm beginning to realize what is really true
That maybe it's not the idea it's the you that i  miss maybe the other people that have walked into my life don't cut it not because they aren't like you but because they aren't you

And I wish instead of writing poems I could write raps
So maybe there would be an end to the song instead of an unending prose that has and will go on so long
And so I stay
6 million miles away
from you at all times
just trying to make rhymes
just watching the time go.. bye

the secrets youve told me
ive taken them to my grave
my closet is empty
forever and always

its a combination of songs
Without the rhythm they are words: true and meaningful
With the rhythm, they are again songs
songs I listen to
screaming in my head
incessantly
forever



or maybe just for tonight
When I see you
My heart explodes
A shot of serotonin
Pure happiness

And just like that
One small hiccup
And a different type of bomb lights
Fighting begins

I am suddenly lesser than you
Small
Empty
Not Enough

It came quickly but now it’s over
We are cheerful, happy

But then it happens again
And again
And yet again

****.
My own two thumbs
Though I reach high
They ground me
They are mine

Two little hearts
On the tips of my fingers
Forever in the spotlight
Forever feeling

Eager to grab hold
Quick to recoil
In love
In fear

Two little thumbs
Alone they are small
But together they feel the world
But together they are me
Everywhere I go my body aches
Of regret
Of sadness
Of what could have been
The sun glares upon the windows of my childhood home
Milkshakes, dumb jokes, high school love shared there

Four years in my new home
A college love
Memories that I cannot remember but cannot forget
Hiking, skiing, adventuring

Then distraction
My life is picture perfect
i am so happy
millions of friends
supportive family
life is too too too good
And then it repeats

I did this all to myself
I do this to myself every time
Why can’t I let myself be
I push myself so much so that I can never be content

I don’t want to feel this way anymore
Ow
Ow
does this make you feel better?
is it helping you cope?
why are you doing this to me?
is it because you've lost all hope?

are you trying to erase the memories?
do you wish they never were true?
why are you making me hurt so much?
do you think I don't miss you?
I Do.
Quiet envelopes all sound
A place once lively
Full of light
Now dark
Empty

Not in a bad way
The dark can be calming
Inviting
A light breeze
Happy trees
Smiling at grateful gazers

What was empty
Is an emptiness that can be filled in a second
But lingers on for months
Like the cool breeze on a spring night
Warming but chilling

And while gazing up
Up at the blossoms, up through the trees
Worry - empathy - a sense of calm
The lookers whisper on below
Eventually
All
Will
Reach
Balance
In the midst of this crisis can we just be. Can we enjoy what we used to enjoy and find new things to be grateful for? Can we be forever present? Forever in this mindset? Can we love each other and support each other? Yes. We can.
Drifting through realities
Am I present in all or none
How do I experience my current truth
Fully, as just one?

It’s an art
So I’ll try to start
To accept myself as a whole entity
To live and be

And regardless
Your reality
Is different than mine.
Sorry is not enough
It never will be
I ruined it all
I only thought for me

Not for you
And its true
But there is no going back
No more luck
****

I still love you
Im trying not too
There is nothing I can do
To again be with you

I did not get in
To Michigan
**** it not being meant to be
**** me .

help

Still loving you
and watching the days pass through

my life
But I am not present anymore
I am upset
Not telling why
Valentines Day
But my heart wants to die

It's karma
It's well deserved
I'm glad it hurts
My feelings are finally heard

I can feel again
home again
the home I once ran away from
trying, yearning for one night free
of You invading my thoughts, embodying my dreams
but running is not a remedy
because home is the keeper of memories

the car, Your hand in my hand
romantic as hell

my bed, Your goofy smile
casting a spell

home for minutes, hours or days
I now realize these memories will never fade
this is not a sad poem
I want that to be clear
because I am finally able to cherish these memories
that I have made with You here
Still enjoying life's gifts as they provide me with countless
Experiences so I can get to know the person I am becoming
And then I am finally at peace, a settling calm
That lingers in my heart. it is a mixture of joy and a content confusion,
That feeling when nothing can be better but nothing can be worse
Like when there are no expectations
Everything just is
.
Forlorn puppies hunt through the trash in search of food
Incessant honking pounds my eardrums
Putrid hints of smoke and diesel followed by the overwhelming stench of rotting trash scorches my nostrils
Uncontrollable spice followed by sour lassi irritate my tastebuds
Dirt rests in the barrier between my feet and the floor

Bejeweled saris radiate from neon lights
Quiet mantras echo off the walls of the yoga studio
Aroma of fresh baked dosa weaves up and down streets
The wetness of one pomegranate kernel refreshes my mouth
Slippery canary yellow kheer oozes out of my fingertips

I want to leave but also to stay
I fear uncertainty
But I fear certainty too
The unknown is a deep abyss
Each step leads to darkness
The known is a cyclical way to exist
Stuck, never achieving more or less

I fear being trapped
But I fear I already am
Early risers begin their morning commute in the cool fresh air
As I jog and listen to the soft silence of Bangalore
Packs of dogs argue and shout at each other at night
During the day they bask in the warmth by an open door

Red brick and greenery adorn the dream school
The walls speak the chatter of foreign female tongues
I’m confident that even when we leave
These girls will leave no song left unsung

Group dinners, all 17 of us packed inside
Laughter, jokes and great food to eat
Paneer, gobi, mango lassi for dessert
Relaxing, sometimes weird, conversations with Jaspreet

Constant noise, horns, chanting and drums
That once were so prominent have now faded away
The longer you are here, the less you notice
Until in the background these sounds will forever stay

I lay back in the auto, the brilliant stars stare into my soul
The cool breeze of Hampi whistles through my ears
Where would I be right now, without India?
Without my wonderful, supportive peers?

And just then my eyes struggle back tears
Because despite my many problems and my many fears
I will remember this trip for years and years

And for that I am so grateful,
Because of that, I will truly treasure these moments.
Another broken heart
Time - happiness - then butterflies
Repaired
Time - arguments - not enough
Torn again

A cycle
I look within
Please make this all stop

But soon I realize
The heart is broken by the body it resides
My heart hurts
And there's nothing I can do about it
And I want to forget
But I'll never forget
And I want to pretend it never happened
And I want the throbbing in my heart to go away
But it will never go away
And it's because I scar so easily
I'm sorry
at first it’s a crawl
ever so slightly moving
a small but calculated movement
then a sudden Leap
as a cat Leaps on a bird
a poor, unsuspecting bird
looking for twigs
for her nest
is the Leap inevitable
sometimes i think so
but other times i still try to outsmart that **** cat
I hate my body
I can run a marathon
I can lift weights
I can climb
I can hike
I am strong
I hate my body

I will never look like Her
She has no rolls
She fits into everything
She is confident
She is hot
She is perfection
I will never look like Her

Will I hate my body forever
The body that loves me
The body that sacrifices for me
Does it know I hate it
I’m sorry if it knows

I don’t know how to love myself
I never have
And I don’t feel like learning.
Skiing today
Eggs and bacon for breakfast
Abuelas Christmas leggings on my legs
Jon bellion coming on shuffle
skip
Pictures of you on Instagram
My birthday without you
Heart still hurts
I messed up
*help
How I miss you so
your support, love and how happy
you made me

Why did I make you go
I ****** up
maybe

And all i can do
is listen to the voicemail
over and over
that very voicemail
the one that you left me
filled with so much love
that
one
day
Drunk tonight
Intoxicated tomorrow
Is it because my days are filled with sorrow?

Trapped in a whirlwind
I cannot even explain
It is like no one even knows my name

I want to feel wanted
But not that fake ****
In that amazing way that makes you feel lit

Not that one-night-stand wanted
Actually wanted, actually loved
I'm done until I am not done

It's a circular game
Life.
a ****** up cycle of positive and negative feelings
Canceling eachother out

What is this
How is this
i want to feel wanted again

i am drunk tonight
i'll be drunk tomorrow
i'm content but I am not
do i even deserve to feel sorrow?
i used the word lit
nestled in my heart
i haven’t seen her in a long time
years
hidden there
relaxed and cozy or chained up?
for over three years my feelings were dull
now they are back , she is back

she is convincing me he is gone
its one week i tell her
it’s normal. no big deal
to her though,
now that she is free
now that she can tell me how to feel
this week is a forever

i think i ache not because of one week apart from the person i love
but because she’s finally out
and is using this to feel

i am too happy for her
i shut her in for too long
so for this one week
she wants me to feel
that ill never be full
wishing for wholeness
i
write
   to
    feel
     better
I want that new dress
I want those shoes
I want that body
I want to be liked
I want to love him
I want him to love me
Why?

I am being extreme
Even for me
To say that things, feelings, people, love does not matter
To say look at the bigger picture
That is not how humans work.

but it is hard when the people I meet here are not allowed to want
they do not have any possessions to flaunt
even their love is prearranged
and when they want, their life still remains unchanged

How do you stop the cycle of wanting and begin the cycle of accepting
I am not sure I will ever be able to do it.
****
Before tears there are words
Before words there are thoughts
Before thoughts there are feelings.
I can stop the tears
But only with the words
and you will never read this
and that is the point
well isn't it?

Poems to the Invisible Man
Stopping the Tears
Producing the words

— The End —