Send me letters soaked in futile reassurances
Check the box saying yes, I love you, but
I don't think I can
Send me your condolences, sever my
fingers from your wrists
If you must
Release myself from you,
release yourself from me
A relentless cycle of tortured romance-
we wither together

-cj

Mum likes to shove concepts
down my throat and Dad lets her
They tell me to smile about it
And make everyone else want it
It can take a while to see through cobwebs

-cj

Now everything is then: the black and white and scuffly soundtrack of it all, showcased between the rich curtains
The smiles, are they real? And all these people, do they feel? They dance and drink and their dreams are in their very hands
Still, the sad violin reality cascades on the scene, wrecking the chandelier beauty of it, leaving a single glass behind, with only a few drops left

-cj

It was just a phase
Only the succubus scale taunting hour by hour
With the porcelain throne to kneel to,
My god to worship on the floor
Only a deterioration of beauty, the desire for bones, satisfied mirrors, emptiness
No true happy moment, just strange pleasure from the purge
Temptations were the deadly pattern, and I was the self-made victim
Yes, it was a phase, but it was not only a time out out a year out of my life
It was me, running around outside of this building, trying to get in
Or maybe I was inside of a box
Trying to get o u t

-cj

You haven't stolen my heart
You've stuck a sewing needle in it
And run away

-c.j.

Voids to fill, lines to occupy, a boat to construct, people to please
And then there's more
Me
I have to be me
I said I was confused and they said they understood
I said I wanted to be alone and they tried to soothe me
I said I wanted them to leave and they came closer
I said no and they said yes
I said something else but it was in between my sheets and the window woke me

-cj

When something isn't right
it's all wrong
A ruthless rubik's cube effect
and the fear manifests itself
in waves
Those culprits that mount
and eventually subside
But some of it
never goes with the rest
It gets under your skin
and ultimately
your body will defy you
The hysteria batters you
from the inside out
And it's all to blame on
that one wrong thing

-cj

Who would have known
A simple staircase climb, requesting you, shivering in wait
Then the rehearsed truth wills itself out
Now we are here, in the other's presence, a different kind of music
A wish, perhaps, or a hunch
From one minute, all gutsy and free, to the next
When we see the clock and mutter some hopeful somethings
It was October eighteenth, I remember; eleven days later I turned seventeen
And then a bit after I glimpsed an 11:11 (and smiled)
(We speak and we smiled)

-cj

is that the strange strung-out end?
that is the precise one, the one you'll rend
snip at the hips, you snip from the east coast
it's all spent

you decide, so decide tonight
you crack the code, so crack it in sunlight
this part is ceasing, I'm subject to expirations
stand under your streetlight and configure me

in comes the snow, in comes the avalanche
if we're supposed to go, we're supposed to go happier
but it hurts and surges and pushes the thorn inside
we don't stray from what we always do, we don't stray
we did before, and tasted the sweet foray
1219, you are in my brain

-c.j.

Beauty changed that spring
No diamonds, no pretty ring
Skeletal symmetry and a weird disposition of who I am now-
Is she someone I knew yesterday?

-cj

Obnoxiously optimistic and
anticipating a firework or two
And all I had to do was flutter my eyelids
to get a peek, to exchange for strength each littler thing that said, "I am weak"

-cj

A question mark is our eternal punctuation
Under our initials added up to an undeterminable sum
Green lights were once desirable
But that red was much too fast
Fiction, we're surrounded by fiction
And books are so loud
But we are quiet
And we are real

-c.j.

She is bad, sleeping with the enemy one night, the friend, the next
Never to feel the nausea of eating too willingly, secretly
Beauty is a sin
Luckily her whispers are covered by the sheets of the witnesses
Moaning and cared for, the mirror is a mere extra character

-cj

Twenty-six is unlucky
A number not to **** with
Gargantuan disfortune lurks
around every corner
Thanks for the consideration,
for the crystal ball theories and
lists of omens
I learn all this by doing, you
thoughtless con

-cj

The sound of rain and the gaps between home and tomorrow
I don't feel like myself, I say
Yes, no, prettier than the get-go
May the twenty-seventh
The best day of your life

-cj

I don't want to be like anybody else
I'd rather sleep in between the wall
and the bookshelf
Conformity is dead to me

-cj

Fumbling through the darkened lights
The room knows you so well, the secrets
whispered into the walls
The books don't hold grudges
Not for too long, at least
Unlike you they don't want to be
anyone's ghost

-cj

Waking up, ******* love
Giving up all I once held out for
Breaking down, crying out
Lasting long for the short route

-cj

Tug my sweater down, pinch the skin
that peeks, and I feel the bones beneath
that design me with edges
No roundness nor circles nor pi
A linear loveliness creates
straight shadows
I wonder if you are partial to me?

-cj

i'm willing to bend the rules
melt the plastic standard
'cause i never was good at
living anyway

-cj

hide, bury, mask
the covers a cloak for the skin
reach out to clutch the inverted silhouette
no sounds to send through the space
columns in the shallows, an absence of light

-cj

so you wanna play good cop, bad cop
I've got all you wanna know
thanks for the time out of your day spent on me
it means alot
retrace my steps just to satisfy you
claiming my innocence
but whatever I do
I end up being accused

-c.j.

I the inevitable longing for touch,
  the presence,  the skin
  the voice of the one
  who had to leave
  despite the logic and honesty
  and dedication to what is best
  these embers cannot be extinguished,
  no matter how hard you try
  to smother them

II inside the confining walls of the car,
    the engine running, heart pounding, and
    lips eager for a match in motion
    pretending that this won't affect
    anything, it won't carry over to
    tomorrow, to next week, till the
    next month

III chemicals in synchronisation with
     desires, but matter defies you, and
     you keep trying though it makes
     you feel utterly hopeless

IV wanting that againagainagain
     retrospect,
     alleyways,
     speeding down that common street

V abandon these worries of breaking
   and just delve into your true desire
   headfirst
   we stand in the woods alone-
   you tell me it cannot happen,
   my eyes beg you to change your mind
   each trying to make the other see our
   theory when all we both need is love

-cj

Whatever floods the veins, the poet said, excuses the faint and the young

-cj

Good morning, young one
Take a look in the mirror
to see if you're the same
as yesterday
Unsure, unkempt, unwilling
With blanks in your eyes
Except when you gaze up
toward the skies

-cj

that summer I set fire to the books I had read before
I felt hungry and filled my body with meat and sugar and anything else good
that summer I slipped my old journals into a box, which now collects dust
I make my own memories now, they do not make me

that summer the hunger showed me so many things, I could not begin to explain them
I ate and slept and walked and read new books, and saw new people
that summer I met my love
I make my own travels now, and they complete me

-c.j.

wrap yourself closely to me
pull your past identity
reminiscence we're anxious to quit
we'll coast effortlessly
I swear I'll keep my eyes on what's ahead
it's an hourglass spent
both terminals are beginning to lapse
we've exchanged so much
it's resistance that's supplied us courage
we're not figurative
we're not carbon copies
no coin to mesmerise or evoke memory
sweating, acting
it seems peculiar
wrap ourselves closely again

-c.j.

"the roots of love come tumbling down" when the winter exits and spring takes over, melting the snow and whispering to the sproutlings
transforming the ice into a river, the cold into warmth, the deadness into newness

no intelligence decides the weather- if clouds thicken, rain abounds, if impressions ****** the soil to the worms
a single thorn mutilates our trust, staining any emblems worn that winter day, but
the crumbling love outside rests tonight

-c.j.

"The next time we wander near I want you to collapse."

Is she blind or simply blindfolded?
Remove the cloth from her searching eyes and move in to lightly press your lips to her forehead before the day is gone and love rumours to be dead

-cj

there's a portable television showing a map
of the world with concerned voices behind it
reporters tell us to take it as it comes
and that every exit is now blocked
there's reason to run and there's reason to fear
as the news blares in pixels and decibels
and we bite our lips when we realise that
to run is human but to fear is divine
so until further notice we hide inside
pretending no bravery so our god will
save us in our weakest, most human moment
God watches the news too, don't you know

-c.j.

Searching for the forty-ninth state
Seven times seven, known for its parallel
Except she couldn't be more crooked
At first, prejudices tainted most thoughts
But then those white tulips in the backseat
are more than evidence, they are answers
Escape the labyrinth? but how?
Straight and fast-the notes in the margin
They still search, but their consciences have quieted
Escape the labyrinth? here is how:
Through and through

-c.j.

your algebra is senseless, you know- we learned so long ago to carry the zero
maybe as the numbers add up, days, squares on a calendar, you're only thinking how it will be when she goes

what a blue monday it was, hearts trapped in a hurricane
scribbled scattered formulas flashing in your head, her eyes reminding you of the innocent laying on your bed
notes are in a windstorm, and in the calm middle, you hear her say
even the prettiest equations couldn't solve us

-c.j.

perhaps I'm just alice walking sideways & upsides downsides through this rabbit hole
not a downfall, a ****** to the core of the earth
but an upfall (make me bright, I can see colour & roses) to the dimension
where the creatures have
stainless steel hearts
nobody ever hurts
unless the queen begs to differ
when her corset is revealed to be
suffocating her wicked waist
the jabberwocky seeks vengeance & a chance to breathe fire
"off with her head," is the threat from the enemy
but an escape is in sight
a little locked door
chesire smiles' a menacing grin
a crescent moon in the black night
it doesn't matter where you go if you don't know where you're going
a cake platter with "eat me" on a card in front
home? what is that?
tweedledee & tweedledum
mad hattee, tea, dormouse
and an unbirthday anthem sung
lacking gravity or worldly law
along the dining table for the quirks
and fablesome creatures of wonderland

-cj

Bravery was the theme of the night
And we drove the streets like we owned the very air
We divided as we went too fast, much too fast
Go in for the ****, don't shy away, and other mantras
Repeatedly featured in lights in my head
Reveling in the dregs of the days after
It was time to prove something to myself,
To you, and to them
No costume nor mask accompanied my disguise
Only a door and some seventeen-year-old fear
Prevented any wild occurrences
It's the thirty-first, devil's luscious holiday
But for me, it's the rehearsal for kinesthetic romance
(Humour me on this all hallow's eve)

-cj

It's liberating, really
That subject suffocates me
You understand with tainted certainty
Enlightening hunger for what, we don't know

-cj

Intimidated? Don't be, we're all mad here, it's manifest through the tree's tattoo
Camera slung around the neck, stealing angles to devise a plan of beauty, of green and blue and all happiness

-cj

how the writing thins because another day heaps promptings onto her overthinking head, harrowing laments and fantastic stories
she gets some time alone, quiet, where ideas amplify or where dreams turn boundless

-c.j.

she's got you high on these dreams
cigarettes that you seek out and steal
even if she's across the universe

met through a stolen dance on the edge of seventeen
there were no coattails but she was rapt
she thought you were mr. darcy
I could never figure it out
heaven knows your self-esteem is
never going to get as high as you can

-c.j.

Exposing a little more skin than usual
just to feel that slight AC breeze
It's neither summer nor winter
nor autumn nor spring
And the cold is caught in each cell
and the heat refuses to come out
of its hiding place

-cj

They'd get anything they wanted because they were beautiful
Their eyes didn't play ***** tricks, nor
did their soft hands cast spells
The imperfect symmetry and colours of their shades and suns somehow became their advocates, and hurried the process

-cj

Is every door locked, no matter the size of the keyhole nor squeaky hinges acting as a
sans-bells alarm?
Cracks meet agelines, define its
exhausted time

-cj

Adding up the rhymes and reasons
Something about the air reminds
of softer seasons
All in all the lines might betray
or stray and exit with a bow
It is all worth it, anyhow

-cj

how white lies linger in every room-
that sacrificial valentine, bleeding red
until white was gone completely
to restart the heart requires
something electric:
love

Dance to your heart's delight, divide hate from your true love, if you think you have one
Tell her you desperately feel her within you
(How we aim to bring souls to truth when we ignore it ourselves)

-cj

Being confused is a big part of this adolescent thing
Knowing something is different from
believing it
Each word that forms in our minds and
escapes our mouths are the faults and
stars we were born to claim like our
last name

-cj

Thanks for putting me in this place,
I'm holding myself up between the walls
as the water rises
It's up to my waist
I'm up to here with your lack of effort
Yeah, I'm motioning to my head
Toss me a buoy, would you?
At least give me an explanation
I'm sick of being wrung-out,
searching for a reason
Just tell me why or what
or something about this,
you uncracked enigma

-cj

her name was anastasia and she was born under a dark star
the royal family fled from the fire, but for her it was too late
princess of russia, whose fate was so bad, girls everywhere
still claim to be her, take her identity
(how can this be? mine is empty)

-c.j.

My lungs are a birdcage
I am sorry, little sparrow
Who incarcerated you, to begin with?
It was me?
But yes, now I remember
It was the only way to keep the winged beauty inside and try to protect from the vultures who wander around here
I am sorry, dear
Only a lifetime left to stare out from between my ribs

-cj

Singing required lungs,
but true singing forced every thought into the art of feeling

-cj

So last night was a full moon
and tonight is a full moon
You know what that means?

The moon is an insomniac?

No, it means it is a blue moon

Are you trying to inspire me?

Inspire you to do what?

I don't know, list all the hues of blue
and paint our lunar friend?

-c.j.